Daunting Tasks

Tonight I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and sad. I'm sad because I want to hold my child in my arms. I want to bury my nose in his sweet skin, breathe in her baby fresh scent, snuggle him close to my heart, kiss her tiny toes. My heart is aching. It's Christmas time again and there is no new stocking hung by the fire. I had been doing pretty well for a while, feeling confident that someday, someway I would get my blessing, but today I just feel like that day will never get here. I think the turn in my mood is probably hormonal (it's almost ovulation time), plus some holiday influences. And the sudden rash of babies being born and pregnancy announcements on Facebook isn't helping I'm sure.

The plan as of now for us is to pursue IVF as soon as we have the funds together (hopefully sometime in 2013). We are also looking seriously into adoption as well. We plan to move ahead on both fronts, possibly even simultaneously. We need to do a lot more research. Which is where the daunting part comes in. Both IVF and adoption feel impossible right now. They feel so incredibly far away. They feel like solutions for the wealthy. They feel like mountains to climb, and not just Blood Mountain high, but Mount Everest high. It feels like getting to the moon would be easier than IVF and adoption.

IVF currently seems the easiest of the two, but certainly still daunting. The price tag is huge, practically insurmountable at this point. The statistics leave a lot to be desired too. We are looking at $15,000ish for a 40-50% chance of bringing home a baby. The terrifying thing in that sentence for me isn't the money, the money is only terrifying in that I don't have it. But I figure many Americans spend $15,000 on a car, and a child seems infinitely more worth it than a Ford Fiesta. No the pee my pants stat in that sentence is that the likelihood is that I will NOT bring a baby home. Just writing that makes me want to puke.

For all of you in the process of IVF or getting ready to start, ignore me. I'm in a funk. It's worth it… go for it, and may you ALL be the exception, may you bring home your baby THIS ROUND. I pray your dreams come true.

Adoption seems IM-FREAKING-POSSIBLE. Impossible that we could ever raise, earn, collect $30,000. Impossible that my heart won't EXPLODE before the child would be ours. There has to be a reason for all the red tape, restrictions, monetary requirements, etc. but right now, it seems RIDICULOUS. There are MILLIONS of children in orphanages across the world waiting for someone to rescue them, waiting for someone to bring them home. I am not a murderer, or a rapist, or a pedophile. I can provide a good, loving, structured life for a child. I can give them so much more than an orphanage. So why, why, why does it take 2+ years and thousands and thousands of dollars to save a life?

I know that if either or both of these is on the path that the Lord has planned for us, then He will see us through to the other side. I know that IVF is possible, that it does work, that every day women deliver miracle babies due to the science of IVF. I also know that adoption is possible, that the horror stories are not the norm, that every day orphans are made sons and daughters. And no matter what, I know that it will all be worth it, but right now, the path laid before me is too daunting to comprehend.