Two Months Too Fast

Somehow another month has passed and my sweet baby is two months old! I'm both mesmerized and terrified at how quickly the days go by. I missed a third of the first month, and half of it was in the hospital, so maybe that explains it, but this month was better in my opinion. I feel like he knows me, like maybe I'm more than just the person with the bottle.

Nicknames: it kind of depends on his temperament at the time. Little Butt and Stinky Butt (thanks Alimentum) are good standbys and Sir Cries-a-lot has gotten a good bit of use. 

Stats: 8lbs 12oz and 21 inches

To me, we've had a good growth in a month... about two inches and two and a quarter pounds. But we're still not on the standard growth chart and we're under the 25th percentile for gestational age on the preemie chart. I'm not really worried, but the pediatrician wants us to bump up the calorie content. We're now fortifying him to 22 calories per ounce. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if it's helping as he isn't finishing his bottles as much now. I guess we'll see though... he's got a weight check in three weeks to see how we're doing. 

Eating: He's still eating about three ounces every three hours. We had almost transitioned to four ounces, but he slowed down in the last week. He's doing about 8 bottles a day. Typically one or two are four ounces, and one or two are two ounces (typically late night/early morning). We've decided to transition to Similac Sensitive from Silimac Alimentum as no one is convinced that he actually has a milk allergy. It's day two of all Sensitive and things are going pretty well. If it takes a turn, we'll obviously switch back, but my wallet really appreciates half price formula.

Sleeping: He's sleeping pretty good at night, staying with the three hour feed schedule that he's created for himself. Every now and then he skips a feed (the 11pm) and makes it until 1-2am... it's obviously glorious when it happens, but I can't seem to control it or replicate it. His daytime sleep schedule is thinning out. He'd optimally be awake for about an hour to an hour and a half (that's the sweet spot) but he's been waking up a good bit during the day.  Lots of little cat naps of 15-30 minutes now rather than large chunks of napping.

Likes: he's still a really big fan of baths. It's pretty much the only time he enjoys skin to skin, but he also enjoys floating on his back and kicking his little feet. He's developed a love affair with ceiling fans. Someone should have mentioned that babies like ceiling fans before I took his out of his room. Oh well... his room is pretty. That's most important, right? 

Dislikes: He still hates hiccups. Bless his heart. He's also not a fan of tummy troubles. He's on Zantac for reflux, which he also hates. I mean I think he likes not having acidic formula come up his throat, but he is NOT a fan of the medicine. It supposedly tastes awful. He's also on prescription drops for stomach discomfort, because tummy troubles suck.

Looking forward to: I think we've seen our first real smile, but I'm definitely looking forward to that becoming more regular and predictable.

Not looking forward to: I'm on my last week of maternity leave. While my bank account will appreciate my return, my heart is understandably sad. My intention was always to stay home, especially after infertility hit. These days are precious and I may never get to experience these newborn days again, but the reality of our financial situation says that if we hope to have another child at some time, I need to continue working. The good news is that I actually really like my job. The career move was a good one early this year as returning to a job I really enjoy is I'm sure infinitely easier than the alternative. And they've been really good to me! They took a HUGE risk by hiring me and it kind of backfired on them... three weeks on the job and I was gone. But even in light of that, they offered me two more weeks than I was originally expecting. I'm sure it won't be as bad as I'm expecting. My job keeps me busy, so the day will go quickly. But I admittedly feel guilty about sending him off to daycare. And I worry about him bonding with day care workers over me. Not sure if that's a normal fear or a special adoption attachment fear, but it's there. So yeah, not looking forward to giving this sweet baby up for 9 hours a day.

It was a really wonderful month. My only complaint is that it went too fast. Little Man is so incredible (even when he's screaming bloody murder in my ear for half an hour). He is such a precious addition to our family and we know that we are truly blessed to call him ours. 

Dear Sister, You Are Not Alone

So it's the eleventh hour, but I just felt like I needed to get something together for National Infertility Awareness Week. It certainly won't be award winning, but infertility is just as significant in my life this year as last… it's time to represent.

This year's theme is fabulous… You Are Not Alone. Perfect. Because that's exactly what infertility makes you feel: alone. How do I know? Because I wrote this, and this before I ever found this community. I was 26 years old, dealing with the aftermath of my first miscarriage and a potential diagnosis of infertility and I felt SO ALONE. I distinctly remember feeling like no one in the entire world could possibly understand. I remember thinking I was likely the only twenty something dealing with this crap as everyone around me was getting pregnant WITHOUT TRYING. That season was filled with more pregnancy announcements than I'd like to count of people who "forgot to take the pill at Jill's wedding" or "just skipped the condom one time." And here I was, charting my basal body temperature every morning and pretending like I could fool my husband into thinking I suddenly wanted sex morning, noon, and night. The word alone doesn't even encompass what I was feeling.

But then something amazing began to happen. Because of this teeny, tiny little blog, with approximately three followers at the time, I began to learn that I wasn't alone. I began to discover, ever so slowly, the blogging community. On the recommendation of a friend, I discovered Erika's blog. I remember thinking that it must be impossible that another girl could have had these same thoughts… add in that she was also in her twenties and lived in Georgia, and well, I could hardly believe it. Her blog led me to other blogs, which led to other blogs. I was suddenly no longer alone. Soon I was emailing Caroline, discovering Aubrey, finding Kimberly. I went from all alone to surrounded by other girls. We all had different stories, different diagnoses, different treatment goals, but we were the same in more ways than we were different. We were the same in all the ways that mattered to my broken and beaten heart.

And the more I blogged, the more I met other women. Within just a few months, I'd found lifelong friends. Women would find something in a post worth reaching out and they'd email me. Sometimes it was just a quick correspondence, and sometimes a friendship blossomed. I just finished an email to my friend Kara who I "met" in October 2012. My precious friend Annie and I text regularly with one another. It's amazing what has blossomed from, "Hi, my name is _____, and I'm infertile too." In the midst of isolation and despair, friendship and hope blossomed as I learned that I was anything but alone.

My circumstances never really changed. If anything, they simply got worse. I went from thinking I might possibly need intrauterine insemination to achieve a pregnancy to realizing I'd likely need in vitro fertilization just to conceive. My circumstances have become more and more bleak, but my outlook has improved over the years. The reason is simple. I am not alone. I am surrounded by beautiful, strong, courageous women who I consider it an honor to walk with through this journey. Everything is better when you have a friend by your side. My fear that I was alone proved a thousand percent untrue. I have been blessed with beautiful friendships simply because at one time or another, we all thought we were alone.

So I guess that's my hope. If you find yourself dealing with a miscarriage you never saw coming, or you're thinking about getting blood work to see if there's an answer to why you haven't gotten pregnant, or if you've been suffering in silence for years, quietly hiding your trips to the doctor as you pursue treatment for infertility, know that you, dear sister, are absolutely not alone. Far from it.

Wonderful Weekends

SOOO! The last couple of weekends have been amazing! Now some may say that I'm currently living one giant weekend as I'm not going into work. They would be WRONG! Can I get an "Amen" from the stay at home moms? Totally a difference. But the last two weekends were definitely what weekends were made for. 

Last Friday was our 5th anniversary. Obviously we couldn't do much, but I'm pleased to say that we did celebrate. We're five for five on our commitment to celebrate our anniversary each year. This year we decided that each of us could use some time to relax, so Sam went to play a round of golf and I got a massage and a facial. Golf is Sam's happy place... He LOVES it, but it's like the most expensive hobby ever, so he rarely gets to play. I LOVE massages, but that's definitely a luxury thing for me... my last one was for our second anniversary, three years ago. While we were out for the day, Sam's mom kept Little Man for us. That afternoon we picked him up and went over to my mom's. She kindly offered to watch him for the night, so we went out to dinner at Bonefish and then spent the night at Chateau Elan. Chateau Elan is literally across the street from my mom's subdivision, so we were approximately three minutes away. It was nice to be close enough that I could relax, but separate enough that we could enjoy each other and celebrate five years together. It wasn't the most glamorous anniversary, but I'm really proud that we found a way to keep our promise for another year. I don't have any photos though, so you'll have to just trust me that it happened. 

On Saturday, the day after our anniversary my mom hosted a baby shower for us. It was really wonderful! She worked really hard on decorations, and the house was BEAUTIFUL! It was a really special day for our family and family friends to come meet Garrison and shower our family with love. 

Mom thoroughly enjoyed making a gazillion tissue paper flowers

The beautiful spread

Our one any only interest flop… Mom's goal were those tulle balloons you see
everywhere. FYI… they don't float. Like at all. So some gold spray paint to the rescue.

Sam had present duty for approximately one gift before he vacated the seat of honor

Happy little Greavu family

Mom was really wise (and awesome) and used items that I wanted
for his nursery for the shower decorations. This little
elephant will now take up residence in the nursery.

Sunday was Easter and Garrison's first time at church. We decided to take him to Waumba Land (preschool) as a packed auditorium and a screaming baby sounds awful. 

When you can't hunt Easter eggs, Easter is kind of a snooze.

He got the royal treatment complete with VIP stickers, an "Athens, I love You" onesie, and a sticker to celebrate his first time in Waumba Land. 

I wanted one of him awake, but first days at church are exhausting.

I think I was a good bit more excited about his first day in Waumba, as he pretty much snoozed. For me, this was a very long awaited day. I've served in the preschool ministry since August of 2012. I've watched hundreds of pregnant bellies and baby carriers walk past my door every Sunday for years. But even more, every Sunday for years, I've checked myself in only to have the parent pickup sticker print. Sunday after Sunday, I've simply thrown that part away, but no longer. 

I'll be needing that parent pickup sticker now!

It was a really incredible weekend. One filled with long awaited dreams come true, redemption, and lots of celebrations! It was also pretty crazy to think that this time next year we'll have a one year old to celebrate Easter with. Still surreal to think that this is my life. 

Yesterday my sweet friends here in Athens through me a second baby shower. These ladies have been some of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders over the last few years. In a lot of ways, Garrison is the fruits of their labor as they have spent countless hours in prayer for our family. It was so special to get to celebrate with them and introduce him to the answer to their prayers.

Beautiful (and delicious) cupcakes by my friend, Laura.
Notice that she wrote a bazillion nicknames for Garrison.

The beautiful spread of food. My friend, Danielle, has
THE BEST house. Seriously. Add that she and her husband are
great cooks, and well, they could sell tickets to be friends with them.

Some of the beautiful decorations that the girls came up with…
don't be jealous, my friend Kristin is a ridiculously
popular interior designer.

The remaining Athenian members of my original small group…
love these girls to pieces!

Current small group (minus one). So thankful for each of these ladies!

These weekends have been so special! I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to have a baby shower… kind of a always the bridesmaid, never the bride, type of deal. But now I've had TWO and they were both so special! And while it makes for a rough first few weeks, it's pretty awesome to have your baby with you at the baby shower. We're so, so thankful for the outpouring of love and gifts we've received since bringing Garrison home. He's going to be one well dressed  and well read little dude. 

When I Said I Do

Five years. That's what we're celebrating today! Five years of marriage. 

This anniversary admittedly kind of snuck up on me. I haven't really spent the past few days leading up to this anniversary reminiscing or looking back through old wedding photos. I think I've got a pretty good excuse though, right?

Last night as a held Little Butt I read back through my old posts on past anniversaries. There is definitely a theme in the last few... for better or for worse. When I said I do, I had no idea what "for worse" really meant. How could I? I was 24 years old… I felt old, but gosh, I was just a baby. We had no clue that our vows would be tested by fire so soon. No one saw infertility coming. No one could have predicated the bomb that would soon drop right in the midst of our marriage. We were barely 16 months in when our first tragedy struck. Since that moment, I think we've seen our fair share of the for worse part those vows talk about. 

On one anniversary, I wrote the following, "but the really cool part about marriage: you've got somebody to walk through the 'for worse' with. And when the 'for better' comes, that person understands better than anyone else how much you have to celebrate!" I stand by that today. The last year was filled with much of the same. While it wasn't necessarily our darkest days because we didn't lose any pregnancies or embryos, there will still some really hard, dark days. A lot of fear. A lot of doubt. A lot of worry. We've recently turned a pretty big corner, obviously. We've crossed over and we are certainly in our "for better" days right now. It is fantastic to walk through these days with my husband, not only because I love him, but because he has intimately known and faced the "for worse" days with me. He knows just how much better these good days actually are. For better is a whole not sweeter when you're seen for worse.

Although I feel like we're basking in the the sun's warm glows these days, I know that there will be dark days ahead. I'm not naive enough to think we've experienced the last of our for worse. There will be more hard days. We will get sick, we will experience financial stress, we will lose a loved one. It's inevitable… a part of any marriage. Even just in terms of family building, we will shed more tears. Of that, I am sure. If there's one thing the last few years has taught me, it's that we will survive. We've been through a lot and we're still here. For better or for worse… we've lived it all. 

Five years isn't really that long, but I think it's long enough to be proud of. I'm proud that five years later, I would still chose him. Despite all of it, everything we've been through, I'd still chose him, and I hope he'd say the same because life is simply better when we're together. I can honestly say, "I have found the one whom my soul loves" and I am looking forward to the next five years (and more) with him… for better or for worse.

Babe, when I said "I do" I had no idea what our future held, but I'd say it again today with just as much assurance as I did back then. It is my joy and privilege to walk through life with you. Happy Anniversary!

Introducing...

Well friends, it's over, or at least the thirty days that is. Unfortunately, there's still quite a bit left to do for the adoption... we're basically at the point most adoptive families are when they leave the hospital. Our situation was just delayed. But the good news (for us) is that both birth parents have agreed, either by signing or abstaining, to relinquish parental rights. Sooooo, the moment you've all been waiting for, introducing Garrison Carter

Meeting the little man for the first time.

He's already a month old, so we need to get caught up in a hurry, but I didn't want you to miss out on his early days of sweetness. 

Getting scrubbed in for the first time. We had no idea what to expect and
three minutes of scrubbing was excruciating slow.

Getting our gown/smock/cover things on. After day two I was a pro and could get
in one of those bad boys in under a minute.

Lifting back the isolette cover and seeing him… cue some serious ugly cry!

Hi sweet baby!

So how about a one month update because that's all the photos I have of his first few days. The NICU staff were serious about phones/cameras/laptops etc, and we got special permission this one time for someone to take photos. I'm not sure if I'll do monthly updates regularly, but it seems like an organized way to move from day 11 to five weeks rather quickly. 

Name: Garrison Carter

Hi there!

Nicknames: I hate real nicknames, like Sam for Samuel or Ben for Benjamin... I didn't even know Garrison had a shortened version when I chose the name (his name is another story entirely), but rest assured I will NEVER call him by that nickname. The nicknames we use are Bubba (this was what my favorite nurse called him and it kind of stuck with me, but she said it very sweetly, almost like Buh-puh), Buddy (our name for him when he had no name) and more recently: Little Butt, Chunker, Little Man.

Who you calling handsome?

Stats: 6.6 lbs and 19 inches.

I don't have anything official as his appointment with the pediatrician isn't until tomorrow, but last week, when he was actually one month old, I used the very accurate weigh us and subtract me method and he came in at a whopping 6.6 lbs. Slow your roll dude or we can't call you Little Butt any longer. He'd also grown two inches to 19 inches, which explains his eviction from premie clothes last week. I'm just hoping he reaches a plateau here for a while. A- I need to build up arm strength for carrying him in the car seat (uhhh, is that a gestational thing? Does carrying a baby in your uterus make you strong because gah, I can't imagine when he weighs twenty pounds. I'm going to need a pulley system.) and B- I have cute newborn clothes... can we like wear them more than once, please? He's currently able to rock Carter's brand newborn size. All other brands seem to be 6 months ahead (I'm looking at you Gerber) so umm, that's confusing. But also kind of nice as I'll still be able to dress him in "newborn" four to five pounds from now. We haven't ventured over to cloth diapers yet as I don't have a full stock and he's supposed to be eight pounds. We did upgrade to the newborn size in disposable diapers on Monday, mostly because we ran out of premies, but he doesn't seem to mind the extra room. 

Being a month old us tough

Likes: Food. Homeboy can eat. Which is shocking as the NICU days were plagued with nurses trying to help me feed him and eventually just finishing bottles for me. I would have sworn this would be our biggest issue, but Little Man LOVES to eat. He's been on four different formulas in his short life plus breastmilk and he's a fan of it ALL! He's currently enjoying the top shelf Alimentum as it appears Little Man has refined tastes (aka, dairy allergies). It supposedly tastes awful, and I believe it as it smells terrible, but he doesn't seem to mind a bit. He's taking about 3 oz every 3 hours these days. 

Gimme the good stuff, ma!

He's also a really big fan of baths. He enjoys baths in the sink, but he LOVES getting in the big bath with mommy. He loves to float on his back and snuggle on my chest. 

His first bath out of the hospital in the bathroom sink.
(Hotel staff LOVED us… oh, yes, we'll need 10 towels for
just the two of us, hmm, yes that's right.

Dislikes: Hiccoughs (or hiccups, whichever). Which who can blame him? I was plagued by hiccoughs growing up and hated them, so I can really sympathize. He gets hiccoughs after almost every meal, which is kind of out of control if you ask me. I've tried to tell him about some of my tried and true remedies, but he hasn't mastered the 'hold your breath and swallow three times' trick that I keep telling him about. We did discover gripe water recently which helps about 75% of the time… better than nothing.

No more hiccups!

Reflux. Again, I can't really fault him for this one. I've had heartburn all of two times in my life, both of which were caused by an antibiotic I was taking for fertility treatments. Both times I was pretty sure I was dying of a heart attack, so I can only imagine how awful it is to have this problem plague you all the time.

Wahhhhhhhhh

He's also hates to be cold. Like HATES it. While he loves to take baths, that whole, get out and get dried off part is miserable. He's found a new octave for screaming for that special occasion. Which also means he hates to be naked, just in general. You can imagine how interesting his newborn photo shoot was.

I think he has a flair for the dramatic… just like his mama.

Undecided about: Pacifiers. Some times he loves that paci so much it looks like he's going to devour it. (Nom nom, gimme.) Other times, he scrunches his little forehead, squishes his little nose and spits that thing out like I'm trying to poison him.

Providing a bit of comfort as we snuggle.

Sterling/Everest. I don't know if he's really undecided so much as just he hasn't noticed them yet. Which is pretty funny as both of them are superglued to me throughout the day. I think it's safe to say that they both missed me a good bit while I was in Florida and that both are now feeling a good bit of jealousy. Sterling is often right up next to me, sometimes half way in my lap. Everest often attempts to join us in the rocking chair at night. Thus far though, he pays them no mind.

Post bottle family snuggle time.

Looking forward to: EVERYTHING. Every. Single. Thing. But if you make me choose just one thing,  I'd have to say baby showers. I've got a couple of showers coming up over the next few weeks and I'm really excited because A- a baby shower, for ME?!?! Get out of here! and B- I get to show off my baby to my friends and family!

Hi mom! I'm a month old already! Don't blink!

This month has obviously been pretty special and over the top awesome for the Greavus. Little Man got to get rid of his isolette, feeding tube, and various sensors, which I'm sure he's thankful for. He also became a multi-state traveler, which seems like a pretty big achievement for the first three weeks of life. He also has the honor of making us the happiest people alive, which also seems like a pretty big deal for someone so young.

Deep thinking during his one month photos.

I think we're all still a little shocked. Our life definitely just got twisted upside down in the best way possible. We're still feeling all the feels and trying to figure out where and what those emotions are, but I can definitely say this: we're just SO thankful. It didn't have to turn out this way. Adoptions fail or fall through all the time. There were absolutely no guarantees when we started the adoption process last September and still none when we said yes to this case a few weeks ago. We're one super duper blessed little family of THREE!

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed is the best word I can use to describe myself right now. I like to assume that most new moms would find this to be true within the first three weeks of meeting their son or daughter. And I am most assuredly overwhelmed by all the normal, new mom things. The fears. The sense of duty. The physical responsibility. The spiritual responsibility. Add in the absurd amount of laundry and the sheer number of bottles to clean and the early days of motherhood are just overwhelming.

In light of our circumstances upon meeting and gaining our son, there is an entire additional level of overwhelming feelings... some that I'm just now beginning to feel. The days leading up to the first day we met our son were some of the highest highs and lowest lows. The closest I can compare it to in the infertility world would be if your beta was negative but then a week later, you took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. When I got the news about our little man, I was still very much mourning what could have been with birth mom D. It was honestly hard to even think about putting myself back out there so soon. My heart was hurting and I don't think I had the capacity to feel both the loss and the excitement at the same moment. I sort of just went numb. And I was certainly overwhelmed by the speed and urgency of the situation. So many plans to make and boxes to check that my mind couldn't even really process what was happening. 

And then we arrived. I signed a zillion papers without reading them so that I could hurry up and meet this precious baby. And suddenly we were there and he was there. And it was obviously overwhelming, as I imagine it is anytime someone hands you a tiny baby and says "congratulations." But our meeting had even more layers. In many ways I was in disbelief. Congratulations to me? When I met my little guy I was in a room of 7-8 other babies, several nurses, a number of other parents, and the agency representative. It was anything but intimate. I was so very overwhelmed by the surrealness of meeting this teeny little guy that might one day call me mom, while at the same time the recognition that this might not be forever as the birth father could come forward at any time. Add in the seriousness of the situation... a tiny little four pound baby hooked up to so many wires and monitors. I was afraid to touch him, afraid to hurt him, afraid to break something or set off an alarm. Those NICU days were overwhelming on so many levels. I was dealing with so many different nurses, many with different opinions and different rules. Some I loved and some made me cry. I worried about the first days, those first ten days when I wasn't there, when no one was there. I worried about his development and the effects those first ten days might have down the line. I worried about our ability to bond, particularly in light of little to no skin to skin contact and the very few minutes of each day I was even allowed to hold him.

In many ways I was catapulted into motherhood. I had no time to sit in awe, no time to prepare my heart or mind, no time to anticipate. We hit the ground running. When I wasn't at the hospital I was researching things the nurses mentioned, or calling daycares, or preparing the hotel room for his discharge from the hospital. And then he was free to go and I had a two week old baby to care for. I was overwhelmed by his needs leaving again no time to just be. To think. To rest. To let it all settle. 

And now I sit here just a few days away from the end of our thirty day wait with the birth father and I am once again overwhelmed. It's hard to grasp that my almost four year journey to start a family has ended. My family is here; my child is here. I am overwhelmed by the truth that the Lord's ways are so far and distant from my own, as I couldn't have dreamed this story up if I tried. And yet the Lord has begun the task of healing and softening. I am simultaneously overwhelmed by the journey it took to get here, how long and wide that trench really was, and at the same time I'm overwhelmed by the reality that not everyone has crawled out of the trench. Despite the fact that my season of redemption has begun, others that I love dearly are still waiting. I'm overwhelmed with thankfulness and a nice helping of guilt that I am here when others are still living in fear and doubt and sadness. I'm overwhelmed by the thought that we are free from the NICU, while others still wait or mourn those rooms. I'm overwhelmed that I hold a healthy baby in my arms when others pray over sick and dying children. I felt so deserving of a baby before meeting my son, like infertility had robbed me of a right, yet as I sit here rocking him to sleep, I can't help but wonder if I'm deserving of this grace and blessing in my life. He is a gift. 

Most of all, I am overwhelmed with the reality that the journey truly begins here. In so many ways it has felt like the destination was to get here, to get to the point that there was a baby in my arms, but as I hold this little boy, I'm overwhelmed with the truth that this is his beginning, our beginning together. A former professor from college shared the following with me a few weeks ago. She said, "The birth is over in a flash. The real serious part of parenting comes when you realize you are responsible for that little human and you take him home and realize you’ve got the next 18 year to take care of him and mold him and keep him safe." That my friends is both awe-inspiring and overwhelming… in a good way.

Fear and Guilt

Well first of all I feel like I've got to get a few things out of the way. First, thank you all for the love and support as we welcome home our son in the most unexpected way. It's been two full weeks since we met, and everyday just gets better. I know for many of you reading this your heart still hurts. Your arms ache for a son or daughter of your own. Believe me friends, I still remember, so thank you for your love, encouraging words, and sweet gifts in a time where you yourself are not rejoicing. We continue to feel so loved. Secondly, as the last few weeks have been an absolute whirlwind, I'm sure some of you are confused... Since when does Amanda have a son? Don't worry, I think those same things everyday. You can get caught up on the story here and here.

You guys, mom guilt is real. I hadn't even met my son when I first felt guilty. The Friday night that we told the agency we were coming down for him, was a restless night. Sam was out of town trying to be responsible and focus on the continuing education course that his employer had already purchased. Anytime Sam's gone, my sleep suffers, but this night I had quite a bit to think about. I finally went to sleep only to wake up feeling miserably guilty and devastated that my son wouldn't be breastfed. This is in no way a statement for or against breastfeeding. I actually didn't realize I felt so strongly about breastfeeding until that moment. I had done a lot of research and intended to induce lactation if I had four or more weeks notice, but I knew (or at least I thought I knew) that sometimes breastfeeding is just not an option in adoption. And truthfully, a large part of my desire to breastfeed was for bonding and attachment. But that night I woke up and just felt so insanely guilty that I couldn't breastfeed this precious little boy. 

I still feel guilty about it. Just about every healthcare professional has recommended breastmilk for my little guy for one reason or another. Thankfully my cousin had a baby just a few days after he was born and she has donated some, but I still feel guilty that I, his mom, has to rely on someone else to provide for him. Honestly, it's probably a pride thing more than anything else. I've slowly come to see that this is just one of 10,000 things that I will probably feel guilty for over the next 20 or so years. 

Another thing that I'm coming to terms with is that motherhood is full of fears, or at least my experience is. There's obviously the very real possibility that the birth father could still come forward, and if I think on it too long, that fear is crippling. In true ignorance is bliss fashion, I generally don't think about it. But there are plenty of other fears that I do think about. I think most new moms worry if their babies are breathing. I'm no different. In fact, coming out of the NICU may be worse. In the NICU I had a monitor to tell me his heart rate, breathing rate, and oxygen levels. I literally sat for hours watching the green, yellow, and blue lines. Some times those lines were really scary. Alarms would go off. Nurses would come check on him. Now we're off the monitors and there's nothing to tell me if his heart rate is too high, or, more likely, if his oxygen levels are dangerously low. 

In addition to normal new mom fears like "is he breathing," "is he eating enough," or "is he in pain," I keep having reoccurring nightmares where he dies in some awful way. When we were in the hotel, I dreamed the hotel caught on fire and we were trapped inside. The firemen couldn't get to our window so they screamed that I should toss him. You can imagine what happened, I'm sure. I also regularly have images flash through my head of tripping, dropping him, falling on him, etc. I've watched his little head bust open on the concrete in my mind so many times.

In the midst of my self doubt, guilt, and fears, I'm learning a lot, not the least of which is one handed typing. I'm also learning to love and trust in whole new ways. A sweet friend shared this with me, and I'm finding it to be a great reminder every day. She said, "God loves and cares for him even more than you and Sam do and will take care of him." Thankful that that is true. The Lord promises that he knew my little guy long before I even knew he existed, and He has loved him well.

That's all that I can type with two fingers today, except that I'll add this: my dear, sweet friend A found out last Thursday that her fifth transfer failed. She is now out of frozen embryos, which is completely heartbreaking! She is also preparing to switch clinics which is incredibly overwhelming! Do me a favor and stop by her blog and give her some love and support. She's a one in a million and I'm rooting for her until she brings her baby home!