In the Blink of an Eye

Things can change fast in the adoption world, really, really, really fast. I left you last time with the news that we were not chosen by the expectant mother. A LOT has changed since then! So let's just get to it as I'm too tired to draw this out and add any suspense.

I'm currently in Jacksonville, Florida with my son… yep, you read that right. My SON! How the heck did this happen? That's what you're thinking, right? Don't worry me too. I've lived it and I still don't fully understand how all of this happened. The last seven days have been filled with the most surreal moments of my life. Friday, February 27th was the day we found our we weren't chosen. That was admittedly a very low day. I was crushed for a lot of reasons, and really just emotionally spent. It had been a week since I'd heard we were one of two couples, a week of praying, preparing, worrying, losing sleep… such highs to such lows. After that Friday, I was just kind of numb. Every case that I received from our consultant just seemed so hopeless and pointless (and expensive). I was pretty down. And then on Thursday, March 5th, I got a series of emails from two different case workers with the same agency as before: could Sam and I make arrangements to call them that day? No additional details, but I knew something was up. I immediately started calling and texting Sam, but it can be very difficult to get in touch with Sam at work if he's really busy with patients. We finally made arrangements to call late that afternoon.

The phone call was the beginning of the surreal. There was a baby. Already born. He was in the NICU. There was legal risk with the birth father. The birth mother had already signed, so the agency was making the placement. I'm not going to go into too many details about his birth, or the first couple of days of life… that story is his own. Basically he was born early, exactly how early, we're not sure, but the doctors suspect about 34-35 weeks. He was 5 lbs 5 oz at birth, but quickly dropped. Within 24 hours he dropped to 3 lbs 13 oz… cue a one way ticket to the NICU. At first things looked pretty rough… potentially a month long stay in the hospital. For better or for worse, the agency decided to wait to make placement so that the couple could take on less legal risk with the birth father. In Florida, a birth father has 30 days to come forward after being served. This birth father wasn't served until after the birth, which means any couple coming forward would have to be willing to take on that risk. The agency felt it was in the best interest of the adoptive parents to let the NICU stay and the period of legal risk run out, or close to it, before making a match. But the little man did far better than expected and by that Thursday, just a little over a week after he was born, he was moved into the NICU Step Down, basically NICU-lite. He was up a full pound and continuing to do better than expected. The agency suddenly needed a family in place, and they called us. In light of the medical issues and legal risk, they recommended that we take at least 24 hours to speak with a pediatrician about the medical concerns and to think on the legal risk. We agreed to do as requested.

On Friday, exactly one week after hearing that we were not selected, we both began to make plans at work, to tell our families, contact a pediatrician… it was a heck of a scramble. Particularly for me. You may remember that I recently started a new job just THREE weeks ago. Ha! When I got the call about the interview for the position, I blurted out "I'm in the process of adopting… I just need you to know that upfront!" I told them it could be two days, two weeks, or two years, but I'm not so sure they thought I was being serious on that first part. They have been amazing though, and I'm really, really thankful for everyone at the office. So Friday evening, after getting as many questions answered as possible and praying for a whole bunch of wisdom and discernment, we decided to leap. We said yes and began to make arrangements to come meet our son. We arrived on Sunday, signed placement agreements, and then finally, finally, finally met the one we've been praying for.

So yeah, I'm a mom! It feels SO surreal to say that, and I think a huge part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thirty days is a loooong time when you're talking about your future as a family. In a lot of ways, I feel like a temporary mom, a placeholder so that he has someone other than nurses to care for him. I'm not guarding my heart in anyway… I'm all in, because what the hell, like it's going to hurt one fraction less if I somehow don't fall head over heels for this little guy. But despite being all in, I still feel weird saying I'm a mom. It will all feel a lot more real once those thirty days are up.

I imagine you're wondering if there's going to be a photo at the end of this post… you're already starting to scroll. Let me stop you; there isn't. We've kept the adoption fairly quiet for the last few days as we assessed the situation with the birth father. We've finally come to the conclusion that no matter what happens, this is just a part of our story, and no matter what, we want our friends and family to know. Things seem to be going well for us, but it could change any minute. In light of that, we've decided not to post his photo on social media our of respect for the birth family. If the birth father does come forward, I would feel absolutely terrible about positing pictures of his son all over the place for the world to see, and it's not something that I can really ever take back. Once it's out there, it's a done deal. I will tell you that he's freaking adorable! He's obviously tiny, still not at birth weight yet, but we're almost there. Believe me, I'm dying to share his picture with y'all. Until then, I'll give you his name: Garrison Carter.

I have sooooo much more to say, about the adoption process, about the NICU, about my first days as a mom, about the affects infertility has had and is having on my confidence. For now, I'm exhausted, which is great because I'm not even the one feeding him all night… there's a whole crew of nurses to do that. Know that I'm feeling ALL THE FEELS right about now, and one of those is absolutely thankfulness for all of you, for supporting me, encouraging me, and loving on me through all of this. More to come, I promise.