The comments I've received since we announced our decision to adopt have been nothing but positive. I don't know why, but I was really expecting some push back. I've been so pleased and encouraged by the excitement and enthusiasm from all of our friends. In fact, I'd say that our friends here in Athens have been WAY more excited about the adoption than IVF last winter. All I can say is thank you all times a billion for supporting us and thank you for never, ever, not once asking "why don't you guys adopt?" even if you thought it 10 billion times along the way. The decision to pursue fertility treatments, or adopt, or live child free, or pray and wait, or whatever, it's all intensely personal. Sam and I had to make this decision in our own time when we felt ready, so thank you all for respecting us and our feelings during this journey.
One comment that I've received in various forms from multiple people is this: "I'm so glad this journey is coming to an end for you guys!" The comment doesn't bother me, but it's really got me thinking. And again, all of this is immensely personal, so what I think and feel about this is most certainly not universal. Other APs (adoptive parents) and PAPs (prospective adoptive parents) who are parenting after infertility may feel completely different. For me, adoption doesn't feel like the end of the journey. I've wrestled with that thought for the last few weeks. Should it? Why doesn't it? Does it mean I'm not invested in adoption as much as I thought? Eventually, I've come to this conclusion: Infertility has affected me in many ways, and the inability to start our family and become parents is only ONE of those ways. There are a lot of other areas besides parenthood that infertility has affected, other areas in which I feel robbed and beaten. So for me, adoption only "solves" part of the problem or "ends" part of our journey.
Here's an example: Infertility has also prevented me from (thus far) carrying a child. And for me, that's always been a really big part of the pain. I've always imagined myself pregnant. Before I had any clue about infertility, I imagined myself as a stay at home mom with a whole basketball team in the making. I literally wanted to be the stereotype of barefoot and pregnant. I looked at maternity photo shoots and dreamed of how radiant I would look, how beautiful my bump would be, how perfect everything would be. I've dreamed of feeling my son or daughter kick and twist and dance inside of my womb for years. It is a longing deep in my heart. I have cried more tears over the potential loss of that dream than the potential loss of a genetic connection to my child ten million times over. I can hear some of you thinking, "pregnancy's not all it's cracked up to be". I get that. I fully recognize that I have a rose-colored glasses view of pregnancy and child birth. I know that for many women it sucks. I know you feel anything but radiant, anything but beautiful, and anything but perfect. I know that often times pregnancy makes you feel miserably sick, bloated, exhausted, fat, cranky, ugly and any number of other things. I'm not living under a rock: I know it's not all sunshine and roses. Good grief, for some of you pregnancy is dangerous. I know that has to be terrifying. Believe me, even if I ignore every complaint from every girl on Facebook, I've read enough from my infertile sisters to know that even after wanting it SO bad for SO long, it's not always the dream we hoped for. And I also know this: infertility and miscarriage has robbed my of ever truly enjoying pregnancy. I will be an anxious, sleepless mess as I count down the days until the due date. But, I still believe that in the midst of the anxiety, feeling that first nudge, that kick to tell me my baby is alive and growing, will be worth any stress, anxiety, or worry. I get that pregnancy is not what I imagined, now what I dream of, but here's the thing: I still want it. I want it really, really bad. And adoption doesn't solve that "problem" for me.
I've been told by countless people that my attitude and opinion of pregnancy and child birth will probably change once I've got my baby in my arms... that the other stuff simply won't matter as much after that. Maybe that will be true. I certainly hope so, but somehow, I doubt it. Don't get me wrong. I will be THRILLED to have my son or daughter. We will love him/her like any other child. We will finally be parents and it will be AWESOME. But every adoption begins with loss (I'm learning that more and more every day). Our son or daughter will have lost the only person he/she has ever known. The baby will be placed in my arms, a stranger's arms, and that baby will know loss. I will know loss too, and so will Sam. We will have gained much through adoption, but we will have lost out on those first 9 months of our child's life. We will have lost out on the doctor's appointments, the ultrasound photos, lounging in bed watching my belly jump, talking to our baby, etc. I sort of feel that I'm in a "wait and see" stage. I don't know how I'll feel about a future pregnancy and my infertility struggles after welcoming our son or daughter home. Maybe everyone will be right, maybe I won't care one bit about the other stuff. It's certainly possible. What I will gain far surpasses what I'll have lost. But maybe I'll still have that desire deep, deep down in my heart that aches for all that I have lost.
Infertility has also given me a slightly defeatist complex. I won't say this is a trait of all infertile women, not by a long shot. For some, infertility makes them feel strong, empowered, confident. I am definitely the opposite. I feel weak and broken and defeated when I think of myself in terms of infertility. I've given everything I've got and then some, but I have not beaten infertility, at least not yet. Some APs who are parenting after infertility may feel differently. They may feel like they did beat infertility, like their adoption conquered the disease. But for me, when I think about overcoming infertility; when I think about healing from this battle, I think of labor and delivery... that is the moment I will have won. Can I live without beating infertility? Definitely. There is still A LOT of happiness available to us without winning this war. If I didn't think we could live a full, happy life without conquering our infertility, we wouldn't be pursuing adoption. We aren't going into adoption from a defeated stand point. We have much to gain, and if we never feel as if we've overcome infertility, we'll learn to deal with it and be happy with the family we've been blessed to create.
Don't get me wrong, we are ECSTATIC about the potential to become parents. Parenthood has felt so far and hard for so long. The idea that I might actually sing my child lullabies or rock my baby to sleep, or read my toddler a bed time story... it's almost more than my mind has the potential to process. I've spent so much time trying not to think about those things, it feels foreign (and premature) to even imagine that kind of happiness. But adoption doesn't feel like the end of this journey, at least not for me. Adoption allows us to start our family, and that is HUGE, mind blowing, monumental, bigger than life, but not the end. I still feel inextricably connected to the infertility and TTC community. We're certainly not trying to conceive right now, but I can't imagine never trying again. Infertility is still a HUGE part of my life, and I don't foresee that changing. Yes, lots of things will change if I become a parent through adoption. I'm sure how, and when, and why we move towards additional TTC options will change. It won't just be about us and our desires any longer, it'll be about our family and what is best for our child. But ultimately, I don't see this as an end to my journey. Maybe it is, and I just can't see it, but for now, I'm saying this journey continues on. I'm not done with infertility, and I can guarantee it's not done with me.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Where We Stand
Thank you all for the love and support following our adoption announcement! I have literally been BLOWN AWAY by the generosity of others. People I have never met have already donated... how cool is that?!?! People have donated that we haven't seen in years, like from Sam's PT school days or from when I was in undergrad, literally years. The ugly cry was a permanent feature on my face Friday as the donations started to pour in... this is such a humbling process. But maybe we all need that every now in then... to be taken to our knees with thankfulness and reminded to stay down rather than stand back up. I really, really like to stand up. Some might call it stubbornness (I've been called far worse), but I try to view this trait in a more uplifting light. I call it tenacity and perseverance and self-reliance. But ultimately, I just don't like asking for help, so yes, this is humbling indeed.
I've been getting a lot of questions and comments since we announced the adoption. Most of them, I don't have answers for. I laugh because well, "we are adopting" sounds insane to me. "We are adopting" sounds a lot like "we are pregnant"... it sounds like something is happening. I think I'd naturally say "we are adopting" once we've been matched with a birth mother and we have a timeline... that scenario feels a lot more real. What I wanted to say was "we are planning to adopt," but that makes for a really lame banner. I imagine adoption for an infertile couple is pretty different, I mean yes, it's the same process, but I imagine if we were adopting in the way we originally planned with three to five kids at home, this would all feel SO different. I imagine there would be a lot of confidence, a lot of hope. People who haven't struggled with infertility often say "if" I get pregnant, while the rest of the world says "when we get pregnant" without much thought. Interestingly enough, I find the old habit remains: I don't say "when we bring our baby home" and "we are adopting" but rather "if " and "might be".
The prospect of adoption (see, I did it again) has certainly given us hope. It's a feeling I haven't felt since IVF, and I might even have a little bit more hope than I did at the beginning of the IVF cycle, but I definitely don't feel certain. That's a foreign concept that I can no longer hold onto. I mean, we are CERTAIN that we are pursuing adoption, don't get me wrong. Adoption is our top priority right now and we are fully committed to this process. The uncertainty comes from years and years of watching everything I've tried crumble to ash in my hands. I'm praying that our adoption is a smooth journey, but honestly, I won't be surprised if it's fraught with hardship. I say all of that to explain I'm trying not to allow myself to think too far down the road. I'm naturally a dreamer and a planner. Nothing made me happier than to make a five year plan when I was growing up. But now, a five week plan seems next to impossible, so I probably don't have too many answers to your questions, but I'll try.
A lot of people have been asking "is it a boy or girl?"... this catches me off guard every time. I don't know if she's asking from a "you get to choose, right?" type of perspective or if she thinks we actually have a child matched to us. My response is a blank stare while I try to read the situation and wonder if I've led anyone astray. Let me be really clear, we have not been matched with a child, we have not been chosen by a birth mother, in fact, we haven't even presented ourselves to any birth mothers yet. So we have no clue if our future child will be a boy or girl. Yes, we technically could pick a gender to pursue, but we honestly DO NOT CARE. Sure once upon a time, I had my dreams of three girls and two boys and I knew exactly what order they'd come it... but those days are long gone. Boy or girl, we will be ECSTATIC! And specifying a gender can often add additional costs and time. So, again, we don't know if we will be adopting a boy or a girl... but rest assured, we'll let you know as soon as humanly possible.
A second really common question is "when can we bring he/she home?" Again, my mind kicks into overdrive... did I unintentionally lead her to believe the baby is already born? Or does she think we know the due date? Or is she asking how long after the birth before can we come home? It can be a complex question, especially since it could mean so many different things. I'll try to answer as much of this as I can:
I've been getting a lot of questions and comments since we announced the adoption. Most of them, I don't have answers for. I laugh because well, "we are adopting" sounds insane to me. "We are adopting" sounds a lot like "we are pregnant"... it sounds like something is happening. I think I'd naturally say "we are adopting" once we've been matched with a birth mother and we have a timeline... that scenario feels a lot more real. What I wanted to say was "we are planning to adopt," but that makes for a really lame banner. I imagine adoption for an infertile couple is pretty different, I mean yes, it's the same process, but I imagine if we were adopting in the way we originally planned with three to five kids at home, this would all feel SO different. I imagine there would be a lot of confidence, a lot of hope. People who haven't struggled with infertility often say "if" I get pregnant, while the rest of the world says "when we get pregnant" without much thought. Interestingly enough, I find the old habit remains: I don't say "when we bring our baby home" and "we are adopting" but rather "if " and "might be".
The prospect of adoption (see, I did it again) has certainly given us hope. It's a feeling I haven't felt since IVF, and I might even have a little bit more hope than I did at the beginning of the IVF cycle, but I definitely don't feel certain. That's a foreign concept that I can no longer hold onto. I mean, we are CERTAIN that we are pursuing adoption, don't get me wrong. Adoption is our top priority right now and we are fully committed to this process. The uncertainty comes from years and years of watching everything I've tried crumble to ash in my hands. I'm praying that our adoption is a smooth journey, but honestly, I won't be surprised if it's fraught with hardship. I say all of that to explain I'm trying not to allow myself to think too far down the road. I'm naturally a dreamer and a planner. Nothing made me happier than to make a five year plan when I was growing up. But now, a five week plan seems next to impossible, so I probably don't have too many answers to your questions, but I'll try.
A lot of people have been asking "is it a boy or girl?"... this catches me off guard every time. I don't know if she's asking from a "you get to choose, right?" type of perspective or if she thinks we actually have a child matched to us. My response is a blank stare while I try to read the situation and wonder if I've led anyone astray. Let me be really clear, we have not been matched with a child, we have not been chosen by a birth mother, in fact, we haven't even presented ourselves to any birth mothers yet. So we have no clue if our future child will be a boy or girl. Yes, we technically could pick a gender to pursue, but we honestly DO NOT CARE. Sure once upon a time, I had my dreams of three girls and two boys and I knew exactly what order they'd come it... but those days are long gone. Boy or girl, we will be ECSTATIC! And specifying a gender can often add additional costs and time. So, again, we don't know if we will be adopting a boy or a girl... but rest assured, we'll let you know as soon as humanly possible.
A second really common question is "when can we bring he/she home?" Again, my mind kicks into overdrive... did I unintentionally lead her to believe the baby is already born? Or does she think we know the due date? Or is she asking how long after the birth before can we come home? It can be a complex question, especially since it could mean so many different things. I'll try to answer as much of this as I can:
- When is the due date? Again, your guess is as good as mine. :)
- How long will the adoption take? The simplest answer is that our organization lists 2-12 months as the standard timeline. At this point, we are hoping to bring our baby home within a year. We've been told this is a very realistic expectation, but in all honesty, even 12 months seems mind boggling to me. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that idea... I can hardly imagine ever bringing a baby home at this stage in the game, 12 months seems like the blink of an eye. We've also been told that the process could take as little as 2 months... umm, be still my heart. I've put 9 months in my head (I guess because that's the standard "get ready for baby time") but I'm holding onto that extremely loosely knowing that everything could change in a moment.
- When can we bring our baby homes? That all depends on the state our birth mother lives in. If it's Georgia, we can come home once the baby is released from the hospital to wait out the 10 days. If it's another state, we'll be required to stay in that state until we've met the requirements of the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. So, we could be in Kansas or Texas or Virginia or wherever for 1-2 weeks while all of the paperwork for both states is processed.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Operation: Bring Home Baby Greavu
So this little blog is HOPPING... four posts in five days, I amaze even myself some times. In case you've missed the news, let me catch you up really quickly: We're ADOPTING and we need help. I promise not to let the blog become a continuous onslaught of fundraising, but as many of our friends and family keep up with us here, I wanted to provide the details of our fundraising on the blog.
So lets start with the numbers... gosh I wish I had those for you. It's a little bit unique, but the route that we've chosen to go for our adoption doesn't have fixed numbers. I can tell you that it will most likely be between $30,000 and $35,000. Believe me, I know that that is a lot of money. It's more than I make in a year. But we're trusting that with the help of our friends and family, we can make this adoption a reality.
We've got plans to do traditional things like yard sales and a jewelry trunk shoes. I've got a whole room in my house currently devoted to stuff we want to sell on craigslist. We've also got a couple of grants that we are preparing to apply for. And hopefully there will be some other fun, creative opportunities to raise some money, but the bulk of our fundraising is going to be through donations. Cue the puzzle fundraiser.
What is a puzzle fundraiser? Well, it's about the cutest idea ever. We've designed a puzzle specifically for our adoption. Each piece signifies a donation of $25. The cool thing about the puzzle isn't that the donator gets a puzzle piece, but rather that the name of the person (or persons) donating goes on the back of the puzzle piece (or pieces). When the puzzle is completed, the front will be a beautiful reminder of our love for our child, and the back will be an incredible testament to the love and support of our friends and family. We intend to frame the completed puzzle in between two pieces of glass and hang it in the nursery (OMG, I can't believe I'm even writing about a nursery!). When our child is older, we'll be able to show him/her just how much he/she was loved and prayed for before we'd ever even met.
How does it work? It's pretty simple. You send us a check which we will deposit directly into our adoption savings account. Or, if checks are too old school for you (because who has time to write checks these days?) you can donate via this link. A quick, secure digital swipe of your card or payment from your paypal account will send a payment directly into our adoption savings account. From there, we count out your pieces ($25 = 1 piece, $50 = 2 pieces, and so on) write your name(s) on the back. It's that easy.
Who can donate? ANYONE. I wish I could tell you that the first puzzle piece is up for grabs, but that honor has actually gone to my great-grandfather: Lloyd T. Mundy. My mom found a bond that my grandfather had purchased for me shortly before he died. The time is not up on the bond, but after looking up the giant return on his investment (a whopping $7), we've decided to forgo the interest and take the money. I'm not exactly sure why my grandfather went the bond route, but I'm pretty sure he'd be pleased to know where we put the money. The first eight puzzle pieces will have his name on the back. But you can have puzzle piece number NINE... woo hoo!
So that's about it. But please stay tuned for further information on other opportunities to help bring home Baby Greavu.
So lets start with the numbers... gosh I wish I had those for you. It's a little bit unique, but the route that we've chosen to go for our adoption doesn't have fixed numbers. I can tell you that it will most likely be between $30,000 and $35,000. Believe me, I know that that is a lot of money. It's more than I make in a year. But we're trusting that with the help of our friends and family, we can make this adoption a reality.
We've got plans to do traditional things like yard sales and a jewelry trunk shoes. I've got a whole room in my house currently devoted to stuff we want to sell on craigslist. We've also got a couple of grants that we are preparing to apply for. And hopefully there will be some other fun, creative opportunities to raise some money, but the bulk of our fundraising is going to be through donations. Cue the puzzle fundraiser.
What is a puzzle fundraiser? Well, it's about the cutest idea ever. We've designed a puzzle specifically for our adoption. Each piece signifies a donation of $25. The cool thing about the puzzle isn't that the donator gets a puzzle piece, but rather that the name of the person (or persons) donating goes on the back of the puzzle piece (or pieces). When the puzzle is completed, the front will be a beautiful reminder of our love for our child, and the back will be an incredible testament to the love and support of our friends and family. We intend to frame the completed puzzle in between two pieces of glass and hang it in the nursery (OMG, I can't believe I'm even writing about a nursery!). When our child is older, we'll be able to show him/her just how much he/she was loved and prayed for before we'd ever even met.
How does it work? It's pretty simple. You send us a check which we will deposit directly into our adoption savings account. Or, if checks are too old school for you (because who has time to write checks these days?) you can donate via this link. A quick, secure digital swipe of your card or payment from your paypal account will send a payment directly into our adoption savings account. From there, we count out your pieces ($25 = 1 piece, $50 = 2 pieces, and so on) write your name(s) on the back. It's that easy.
Who can donate? ANYONE. I wish I could tell you that the first puzzle piece is up for grabs, but that honor has actually gone to my great-grandfather: Lloyd T. Mundy. My mom found a bond that my grandfather had purchased for me shortly before he died. The time is not up on the bond, but after looking up the giant return on his investment (a whopping $7), we've decided to forgo the interest and take the money. I'm not exactly sure why my grandfather went the bond route, but I'm pretty sure he'd be pleased to know where we put the money. The first eight puzzle pieces will have his name on the back. But you can have puzzle piece number NINE... woo hoo!
So that's about it. But please stay tuned for further information on other opportunities to help bring home Baby Greavu.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
The Leap
The truth of the matter is this: my broken reproductive system has not been the largest bump in the road towards building a family. The real pothole for us has been money. In 28 months, we've completed only six cycles of treatment (4 IUIs, 1 IVF, 1 FET). Six cycles... it's not a lot. I have friends who have completed six fresh IVF cycles in less time than that. But for us, money (or the lack of) has created long pauses in the process as every step along the way has seemed insurmountable. And the costs we have covered so far, though large, is still only a fraction of the cost of our adoption. Over the years, anytime one of us brought up adoption, I would quickly become overwhelmed by the dollar signs and string of zeros and shelve the thought once more.
When Sam and I first heard that fertility treatments were recommended for us, it was May 2012. Sam was entering his final semester of classroom hours before his clinical rotations began. I was working full time, carrying our health insurance, and paying as many bills as I possibly could with my tiny, little paycheck. We were getting by, but we were in no way prepared to spend $1,500 on ONE chance at pregnancy. It was mind boggling: "I'm sorry, you want us to pay how much to take a few pills and shove some washed sperm inside me?" I couldn't fathom how we could come up with that kind of cash. At the time, with an unexplained infertility diagnosis, an IUI gave us about a 20% chance of success... we were shocked and overwhelmed by the numbers. We would need to pay approximately $1,500 for ONE SHOT at conception and the odds would only be the same as a normal fertile couple our age.
It was overwhelming and incredibly difficult to come up with the funds, but we did it... three times because we knew the other option was truly HUGE. Imagine our dismay when November 2012 rolled around... we were still living with my mom, with no income, and a bank account that had been decimated by three back to back IUI cycles... and we were still not pregnant. We then had an exceptionally special conversation with our Reproductive Endocrinologist where really fun things like IVF were discussed at the low-low price tag of $15,000. $1,500 had seemed like an impossible feat just a few months ago... $15,000 might as well have been 15 million to us. We couldn't imagine a time when we would have that sort of money. For us, we slammed straight into a brick wall after those three IUIs. Where many couples proceed straight onto IVF, we were forced to stop and wait for fourteen months.
When Sam and I first heard that fertility treatments were recommended for us, it was May 2012. Sam was entering his final semester of classroom hours before his clinical rotations began. I was working full time, carrying our health insurance, and paying as many bills as I possibly could with my tiny, little paycheck. We were getting by, but we were in no way prepared to spend $1,500 on ONE chance at pregnancy. It was mind boggling: "I'm sorry, you want us to pay how much to take a few pills and shove some washed sperm inside me?" I couldn't fathom how we could come up with that kind of cash. At the time, with an unexplained infertility diagnosis, an IUI gave us about a 20% chance of success... we were shocked and overwhelmed by the numbers. We would need to pay approximately $1,500 for ONE SHOT at conception and the odds would only be the same as a normal fertile couple our age.
It was overwhelming and incredibly difficult to come up with the funds, but we did it... three times because we knew the other option was truly HUGE. Imagine our dismay when November 2012 rolled around... we were still living with my mom, with no income, and a bank account that had been decimated by three back to back IUI cycles... and we were still not pregnant. We then had an exceptionally special conversation with our Reproductive Endocrinologist where really fun things like IVF were discussed at the low-low price tag of $15,000. $1,500 had seemed like an impossible feat just a few months ago... $15,000 might as well have been 15 million to us. We couldn't imagine a time when we would have that sort of money. For us, we slammed straight into a brick wall after those three IUIs. Where many couples proceed straight onto IVF, we were forced to stop and wait for fourteen months.
At every step along the way, we have discussed adoption, but the price tag has always seemed impossible. If IUIs proved daunting at $1,500 a piece, how could we ever afford an adoption? If it took us 14 months to pay for IVF, how long would it take to fund an adoption? Fertility treatments, though incredibly expensive, have proven the faster and cheaper route for us to build our family at every intersection along this road, so we have continuously chosen that route. For the longest time, I believed that adoption was the final chapter to our family building story, not only because that is what I have seen modeled, but also because I assumed (and hoped) that adoption would be easier financially in a different season of life. And that is probably true... in five years we will have gone from $160,000 in student loan debt to less than $75,000, even if we only make minimum payments until then. There is no doubt that life will look vastly different when we can stop paying $1,700 a month in student loans. We certainly hope to return to adoption again in several years to add to our family, but we also don't want our current financial situation to limit our potential for a family right now.
My head has feared adoption for the numbers. My pride has kept me from asking for help throughout our family building journey. I admittedly have issues accepting gifts (even though gifts are my love language) and I hate feeling like I owe people. But countless friends have reminded me that our faith has the most potential to grow when we leap and trust that God will provide. It is our inability to complete the task on our own that allows the Lord the room to show up in a mighty way. So that's exactly what we're doing... we're leaping and asking the Lord to provide.
The truth is we absolutely cannot fund this adoption on our own... not in the time frame we've been given. We can certainly contribute, and we intend to do so on a monthly basis just like we did with IVF, but we can't do this alone. So we are squashing our pride, saying our prayers, and leaping with eyes wide open asking for assistance to bring home Baby Greavu.
If you would like to support Operation: Bring Home Baby Greavu, please look for tomorrow's post on donation opportunities and other ways you can help.
If you would like to support Operation: Bring Home Baby Greavu, please look for tomorrow's post on donation opportunities and other ways you can help.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
The Decision
Thank you all SO much for the outpouring of love yesterday. My Facebook, email, and phone were blowing up all day with all of your love and excitement. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! In case you missed the announcement, let me catch you up to speed: the Greavus are adopting!
Specifically, we are pursuing domestic infant adoption. I'm sure some of you are thinking "wha? huh? when did this happen?", others are fist pumping and thinking "thank God! It's about time!", and some of you might even be thinking "nooooooo". I get that... all of it. So let me back up and tell you how we got here.
Waaaaaayyyy back before we started IVF, we made a plan. The plan was to do one fresh IVF cycle, then complete all frozen embryo trasnfers available, then when all embryo transfers had been attempted, move forward with adoption. But we all know that the best laid plans turn to dust... and then it rains and they turn to mud. It shouldn't be too shocking that we didn't really move on in the way we originally expected. Following our failed FET in March, Sam and I discussed all of our options. Shockingly, we were not on the same page (heh heh). I knew that we needed to take some time before we made any further decisions... none of these choices are things you want to regret or do without agreeing as a couple.
It wasn't long after that that I began to do some research (I know you're shocked). I started reading some books. I started reaching out to adoptive parents as I wanted to know a few things about the process and which agencies were good. Interestingly enough within a day of reaching out to two fellow bloggers they both told me that they had done things a little differently, but that they LOVED how everything worked out and that they highly recommended THE SAME GROUP. So interesting. What are the odds that two couples that don't know each other both used the same group and had the same response? Probably pretty decent if they were talking about one of the big agencies like Bethany, but this place is tiny. I'm not a big one to look at signs... I used to be but it never turned out the way I imagined. I'd think the "signs" meant one thing and then things turned out completely different. However, this really felt like one of those times when I just couldn't ignore this "coincidence".
I decided to contact the organization and request some paperwork. The lady who answered the phone ended up talking to me and answering all of my various questions for over half an hour... a very different response from any of the agencies I contacted. I still felt slightly hesitant about it so I requested some additional paperwork. Unfortunately, the packet of paperwork didn't have any additional information that the lady hadn't shared, but Sam and I still felt pretty good about the situation. Further confirmation came that this was a good, reputable, ethical place when I learned that my pastor and his wife successfully adopted through this same group six years ago. What are the odds that I would know three people to use the same organization when they help a very limited number of families each year? The benefits are certainly the timeline (more on this later) and the guidance through the process. For me adoption feels very foreign... I feel like I understand infertility treatments. I know what the science means for the most part and I understand the timeline, the process, the chances of success. Infertility treatments, believe it or not, have become comfortable for me. In the midst of the chaos of shots and pills and appointments there is a sense of comfort and predictability. But adoption is a WHOLE new world. I feel immensely unprepared and uninformed despite all of my research. I feel like I did way back in the Clomid days... like the decision between starting the medicine on CD 3 vs CD 4 was SO HUGE... how could I ever decide? Having someone guide us and support us through the process sounds like a great option and a huge relief for my anxiety.
We decided that we really liked the idea of domestic adoption, particularly with this organization, but we were in the MIDDLE of buying a home. So we decided to sit on it for a while and continue to think through and pray about our options. At this point our decision was between domestic adoption or another round of IVF at a top clinic. We both ultimately decided that adoption is the best fit for us in this current season of life. I've mentioned before that adoption was always a part of our plan. Way back when we believed we'd be like every other young couple, we planned to have between two and five children (depends on which of us you asked) and then adopt one or two children internationally. Obviously, our plan looks vastly different now than it did five years ago. We thought we'd complete our family with adoption, but now we're choosing to start our family with adoption.
Some of you may be wondering if we are done with infertility treatments. It's a really fair question. And the answer is that I really don't know, but if I had to answer today, I'd say no. My guess is that we will probably pursue another round of treatment in the future. Whether that will be with my own eggs, donor eggs, or donor embryos I really couldn't say. And no matter what, we will be returning for our frozen embryos in Florida. I hope to be able to return for them by January 2016 (to escape another freezer payment).
Some of you may also be wondering why we've chosen domestic when the "original" plan was for international. Essentially, it's twofold. For one, I just really want a baby. Not a six month old. Not a toddler. Not a child. I want a teeny, tiny, little baby, and that just doesn't happen with international adoptions. The second reason is that this is our first child (i.e. we have NO parenting experience). Some first time parents may feel equipped to bring a toddler or young child from another county into their home, but I do not. I feel like I will be in over my head with any infant (as I'm sure most first time parents feel). I do not feel even remotely prepared to take on the additional issues such as language barriers, attachment issues, health situations, etc that often come with an international adoption. Please don't hear what I'm not saying. We are for international adoption. And it is my hope that in the next few years we can add to our family through international adoption, but it simply doesn't feel like the right fit in our current season of life.
So there you have it. I promise, despite the fact that this probably feels slightly out of left field, we have been researching and praying about this for months. We've waited to make the announcement until we were debt (ahem, credit card debt) free again and we had been accepted by our organization. Now that both have happened, we're ready to shout it from the rooftops! More to come soon about this process and our next steps.
 |
| Another shot... because I just really love my little banner |
Specifically, we are pursuing domestic infant adoption. I'm sure some of you are thinking "wha? huh? when did this happen?", others are fist pumping and thinking "thank God! It's about time!", and some of you might even be thinking "nooooooo". I get that... all of it. So let me back up and tell you how we got here.
Waaaaaayyyy back before we started IVF, we made a plan. The plan was to do one fresh IVF cycle, then complete all frozen embryo trasnfers available, then when all embryo transfers had been attempted, move forward with adoption. But we all know that the best laid plans turn to dust... and then it rains and they turn to mud. It shouldn't be too shocking that we didn't really move on in the way we originally expected. Following our failed FET in March, Sam and I discussed all of our options. Shockingly, we were not on the same page (heh heh). I knew that we needed to take some time before we made any further decisions... none of these choices are things you want to regret or do without agreeing as a couple.
It wasn't long after that that I began to do some research (I know you're shocked). I started reading some books. I started reaching out to adoptive parents as I wanted to know a few things about the process and which agencies were good. Interestingly enough within a day of reaching out to two fellow bloggers they both told me that they had done things a little differently, but that they LOVED how everything worked out and that they highly recommended THE SAME GROUP. So interesting. What are the odds that two couples that don't know each other both used the same group and had the same response? Probably pretty decent if they were talking about one of the big agencies like Bethany, but this place is tiny. I'm not a big one to look at signs... I used to be but it never turned out the way I imagined. I'd think the "signs" meant one thing and then things turned out completely different. However, this really felt like one of those times when I just couldn't ignore this "coincidence".
I decided to contact the organization and request some paperwork. The lady who answered the phone ended up talking to me and answering all of my various questions for over half an hour... a very different response from any of the agencies I contacted. I still felt slightly hesitant about it so I requested some additional paperwork. Unfortunately, the packet of paperwork didn't have any additional information that the lady hadn't shared, but Sam and I still felt pretty good about the situation. Further confirmation came that this was a good, reputable, ethical place when I learned that my pastor and his wife successfully adopted through this same group six years ago. What are the odds that I would know three people to use the same organization when they help a very limited number of families each year? The benefits are certainly the timeline (more on this later) and the guidance through the process. For me adoption feels very foreign... I feel like I understand infertility treatments. I know what the science means for the most part and I understand the timeline, the process, the chances of success. Infertility treatments, believe it or not, have become comfortable for me. In the midst of the chaos of shots and pills and appointments there is a sense of comfort and predictability. But adoption is a WHOLE new world. I feel immensely unprepared and uninformed despite all of my research. I feel like I did way back in the Clomid days... like the decision between starting the medicine on CD 3 vs CD 4 was SO HUGE... how could I ever decide? Having someone guide us and support us through the process sounds like a great option and a huge relief for my anxiety.
We decided that we really liked the idea of domestic adoption, particularly with this organization, but we were in the MIDDLE of buying a home. So we decided to sit on it for a while and continue to think through and pray about our options. At this point our decision was between domestic adoption or another round of IVF at a top clinic. We both ultimately decided that adoption is the best fit for us in this current season of life. I've mentioned before that adoption was always a part of our plan. Way back when we believed we'd be like every other young couple, we planned to have between two and five children (depends on which of us you asked) and then adopt one or two children internationally. Obviously, our plan looks vastly different now than it did five years ago. We thought we'd complete our family with adoption, but now we're choosing to start our family with adoption.
Some of you may be wondering if we are done with infertility treatments. It's a really fair question. And the answer is that I really don't know, but if I had to answer today, I'd say no. My guess is that we will probably pursue another round of treatment in the future. Whether that will be with my own eggs, donor eggs, or donor embryos I really couldn't say. And no matter what, we will be returning for our frozen embryos in Florida. I hope to be able to return for them by January 2016 (to escape another freezer payment).
Some of you may also be wondering why we've chosen domestic when the "original" plan was for international. Essentially, it's twofold. For one, I just really want a baby. Not a six month old. Not a toddler. Not a child. I want a teeny, tiny, little baby, and that just doesn't happen with international adoptions. The second reason is that this is our first child (i.e. we have NO parenting experience). Some first time parents may feel equipped to bring a toddler or young child from another county into their home, but I do not. I feel like I will be in over my head with any infant (as I'm sure most first time parents feel). I do not feel even remotely prepared to take on the additional issues such as language barriers, attachment issues, health situations, etc that often come with an international adoption. Please don't hear what I'm not saying. We are for international adoption. And it is my hope that in the next few years we can add to our family through international adoption, but it simply doesn't feel like the right fit in our current season of life.
So there you have it. I promise, despite the fact that this probably feels slightly out of left field, we have been researching and praying about this for months. We've waited to make the announcement until we were debt (ahem, credit card debt) free again and we had been accepted by our organization. Now that both have happened, we're ready to shout it from the rooftops! More to come soon about this process and our next steps.
Monday, September 15, 2014
BIG News
So there have been some mutterings around these parts... secrets, next steps, big news, and the like. You have all handled these ambiguous statements like champs. Far, far better than I ever do when the roles are reversed. But I have good news: your wait is over, your patience is rewarded, the news is revealed:
In case you can't read my beautiful sign (white letters = bad choice. my bad), how about a close up:
Still no? Okay, how about this:
In case you can't read my beautiful sign (white letters = bad choice. my bad), how about a close up:
 |
| Photos by Emily Whitehead Hayes… check her our at www.ejanephotography.com |
Still no? Okay, how about this:
We Are Adopting!!!
Check back tomorrow for more information… I'm pretty sure I'll have a lot to say on this little piece of news.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Drops in the Bucket
This post has been sitting in my drafts for almost a year... seriously. I never got around to finishing it like I wanted and then it just sat sad and forgotten and grew dusty. But dusty blog posts are about as good as it gets around here these days. Kidding... except not really. Actually, I drug this old thing out because my friend Amie was discussing IVF and the price tag and it reminded me of this old thing. I decided to dust it off and post it in case anyone else out there is debating between saving for treatment, emptying out your savings, or swiping the credit card. I'll say what I said to her: absolutely zero guilt with whatever decision you make. IVF is EXPENSIVE and Sam and I are proof that it doesn't always work... you've got to find the solution for your family in your season of life that you can life with no matter the outcome of the procedure.
So after my Debt Free (sort of) post and the announcement that we're expecting to paying for IVF 100% out of pocket AND out of savings, I got several messages from people wondering how we did it. As I stated before, I am not the person you want to ask for money advice. We fail, and fail, and fail in terms of our finances. It is literally by God's grace that we were able to do this. It's kind of one of those "the stars aligned" type of deals. However, I do want to share what worked for us in case it helps someone else. Many couples pay for fertility treatments through various methods: parents, donors, grants, but for many the options are to save or take out a loan. Here's how we came to our decision and what we did about it:
First of all, let me just say that I'm honestly not emphasizing saving for IVF over taking out a loan. The saving thing sort of just happened. And by that I mean, we VERY intentionally saved, but we also never felt like a loan was an option until we were already close to the number we needed. Why? Well, we were first told to pursue IVF in November 2012 after three failed IUI cycles. The cost was quoted to us at $13,200 for one cycle (plus meds of course), but we were told our best bet was a refund program coming in at over $30,000. At the time, I was jobless and Sam was in physical therapy school... I really never thought too seriously about the potential to receive a medical loan. It seemed super unlikely, so I didn't look into it. Who would give two unemployed twenty somethings with zero assets a loan for 15-30K? What I was tempted to do was max out Sam's school loans (shh, don't tell the government), but he was so adverse to the idea that it led to the longest, ugliest fight of our marriage. I mean BIG people... I'm sort of surprised me moved past that one. With time, I forgot about loans... it wasn't worth it to continuously think about it and wish for it if we weren't going to do it. So again, we came to the decision to save not because we think a loan is a terrible idea, but because of our circumstances. If we had had the ability to take out the loan in December of 2012 AND if we'd both been on the same page, I'm pretty sure I'd have gone for it. So yeah, if you're leaning towards a loan or swiping the credit card, you're in good company here.
Another point to make is this: there are no shortcuts here. Saving takes time. It took us about fourteen months from the time we heard "IVF is next" until we were ready. Now, less than half of that time was spent actively saving for IVF, first we were unemployed and then we were paying off debt, but my point is just saving is a longer road, no matter what (unless of course you have wealthy in-laws or a heck of a savings account at your disposal). There were times when I felt so worried over the delay I was fighting off panic attacks and there were other times when I felt confident in our plan. It just takes time. Patience is a virtue, right? But if you've been told you are running out of time, I'd honestly recommend the loan. In fact, even Dave Ramsey, "Mr. No Debt, Ever," would. He said so here and here and here. So if I'm ever in this situation again (which we probably will be), at say 35 years old, I'm taking Dave's advice and getting the loan.
With that said, here's what we did.
- First, we transferred a portion ($2,500) of Sam's mutual fund into a CD so that we couldn't touch it. This was a starting place. I still didn't have a job, Sam was still in school, but it allowed me to feel like we had started. It wasn't necessarily the wisest financial decision, but it helped my anxiety while we waited to really get started. You've got to be able to live with yourself.
- Secondly, we got jobs (hopefully, you would be starting from this place). Once we both had jobs, we began to pay off our credit card debt. It made zero sense to me to save for one thing, while paying 10-18% interest on another. I'm proud of the decision, but I second guessed myself A LOT. If we'd held onto the debt, we could have saved the same amount significantly faster.
- Third thing was a budget. We are bad at budgets. You know those people who love them? Who track every dollar? We are not those people. We broke the budget monthly. But guilt is a powerful motivator and we needed something to keep us on track. If last month sucked, we could move on the 1st of each month... start fresh.
An example: clothes. Even Dave Ramsey is an advocate of buying clothes. I figure if it's on Dave's list, it can be on mine too. Except when we created out budget, it was with NECESSITIES in mind. Are clothes a necessity? Yes, most certainly. But are new clothes a necessity in this season of life? Our answer was no. We had enough clothes to last six months or more, so there was absolutely no clothing budget. That is, until my husband ripped belt loops off his pants leaving giant holes... suddenly pants were more of a necessity. I waited for a sale, used coupons, and got the best deal I could, but as there was not a "clothes budget" it came out of the IVF fund.
Another important thing to note. We already knew before we signed a lease on our apartment that we were gearing up to live well below our means. It is always easier to make one decision that saves a big chunk of money, rather than a hundred small decisions. In my opinion, the single most significant thing we did was choose to rent a cheap place. Dave Ramsey recommends that you spend 25% or less of your monthly income on your rent or mortgage. Well we spent, 6.6% of our gross income and just under 10% of our bring home salary on housing. If we had been in a situation where we could not lower our rent or mortgage payment, it would have been very difficult to save as quickly as we did. The housing was a huge monthly savings for us and it has taught me that I never want to be house poor. Margin is always good.
And lastly, if budgeting, saving, or getting out of debt is difficult for you, I highly recommend an app (assuming you haven't ditched your smart phone in your saving frenzy). We used MINT... a free app (because $2 apps are not in the budget) that allows you to see exactly how much you have to spend at any given moment in a particular area. This was HUGE for us. It removes the "I didn't know" from the conversation (err argument). Our out to eat budget was forty dollars a month. So if we wanted to run to Dairy Queen for a blizzard, we checked the app. If $39.60 was staring us in the face on the 8th day of the month (which happened all too often), well then we had our answer. Forty cents does not pay for a blizzard. If we chose to go get the blizzard anyway, it was with the knowledge that we were blowing the budget, and even more importantly, that the extra three dollars was three dollars that was intended for IVF... ice cream starts to lose its appeal. With an app, there is no excuse; you can always know EXACTLY where you stand. And it removes a lot of math and data entry from my life. Praise the Lord.
So that's essentially it. I'm not a money guru by any stretch of the imagination, but with a lot of mistakes, we were able to pay for IVF out of pocket with zero insurance coverage! And we learned a lot in the process. Sam and I are far more money conscious now than we ever were before. I am pro a debt-free life 97% of the time... clothes, food, furniture, pets... those things don't belong on credit cards in my opinion. But that 3% of the time... well that includes air conditioning units, because let's get real, I was not about to live through a Georgia summer without AC.... and so we have been using all of the knowledge we gained last year and doing the hard work all over again to get out of debt (again) and pay off all of the unforeseen moving and new home expenses. That 3% also includes fertility disasters. No one grows up intending to need $30,000 to start a family, so don't blame yourself if you don't have the funds lying around. But do recognize that you are the master of your finances if you choose (either you're the master of your finances, or they'll be the master of you). One way or another, you're going to pay for it, either before the treatment or after, so either way, I encourage you to find places you can trim the fat. Save up faster, or pay it off earlier... you'll be glad you did. Some days, most days in fact, it will feel like you're hard work is only drops in a bucket, but persistence pays off. Your bucket will overflow eventually.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)