Where We Sit

My mind is a swirly mess of deep thoughts these days. Between preparing to close on our first home, researching adoption, researching CCRM, and discussing our remaining four embryos, it all just feels like a mess of BIG stuff. One day I think I'm on top of it, and the next it just feels overwhelming again. Today is one of the latter days.

As far as the house goes, believe it or not, I think this might work out. If I'm still supposed to be terrified of it all falling through, I guess I just don't know any better. Our offer has been accepted by the seller, we've submitted all of the loan paperwork, the house appraised for a sufficient amount... it just feels like the boxes have been checked. But, we don't close for another three weeks, which feels like forever... I'm guessing there is still stuff to be done that I don't know about yet. But you guys, the house is so cute! I can't wait to post photos. It has an adorable little backyard with a great space for entertaining. The yard is currently in need of a little TLC, but worst case scenario, I'll just pay Erika to come lovingly sing to my brown grass. Buying a home is a complicated process with a lot of steps that I'd never heard of, but I'm just hoping that we've dotted enough Is and crossed enough Ts that it's not all going to fall apart now.

As far as adoption goes, we're still researching. We're still talking to adoptive parents. I'm still reading. But truth be told, we're feeling pretty good about adoption. I'm still not sure that I'd say we've been called to adopt, but maybe it's enough that we simply want to adopt. We've got a couple of meetings scheduled in the next several weeks with a few adoption agencies and adoption professionals to ask all of our (8 million) questions. We think we know who we want to go with, but I of course need to do a little due diligence to make sure.  You may remember that I have commitment issues when it comes to stuff like this. We're getting there though, and I know that, because my biggest issues swirl around ethical concerns (knowing we're working with an ethical agency) rather than attachment concerns (worrying about loving an adopted child).

As far as CCRM goes, oh man, I don't know. I'd love to go to CCRM and have all our dreams come true*. I'd love to cycle one more time, and finally get to experience a pregnancy. But I'm just not sure I can do it. Do I want to? Yes. Should I? I don't know. The money is a HUGE deal... CCRM would be $30,000 easy... more likely $35,000ish after all is said and done. That's for one more IVF cycle. That doesn't include the costs accrued if the first transfer fails... assuming that we have embryos to freeze, it would be several thousand more dollars for each attempt at a transfer. Are children worth that price tag? Absolutely. Is the chance of better eggs yielding better embryos ending in a successful pregnancy worth that? I don't know. I guess it would come down to what that chance is... 90% definitely, 70% maybe, 50% ummm, 30% probably not, 10% definitely not. Julia brought up some great points a few weeks ago. She said the success of CCRM is in their lab, and their Comprehensive Chromosome Screening (CCS) increases their success rates. Something like 80% of women using their own eggs do CCS at CCRM. After the testing, CCRM only transfers genetically normal embryos, which means that in at least 80% of the transfers, CCRM transfers genetically normal embryos... no wonder they have such good success rates. I say all of this not to detract in any way from the quality or caliber of CCRM, but rather to suggest that without knowing the success rates of the 20% or so who don't do CCS, we really don't know what our odds might be without the tests… maybe it would be 40% rather than 77%.  If Sam and I are unwilling to do CCS testing (which is still debatable, but seems unlikely) then I'm not sure that CCRM can help us any more than FIRM or RBA or any other clinic.  BUT, I definitely still need to talk with a doctor there and get some questions answered before we decide to close the IVF door forever.

And as to our four remaining embryos in Florida, well, things are just confusing. I had a phone consult with Dr. Duffy to discuss our next steps today. Sam and I discussed it before the consult and decided that we're really only interested in pursuing an FET as a next step if we can transfer all four. Dr. Duffy didn't think it was a terrible idea since it's still debatable whether we even have four embryos (that 3 cell is questionable). However, he highly recommended the Endometrial Function Test that he mentioned last time before moving ahead. He still feels like we have a significant chance with our remaining embryos and his words were, "I wouldn't want you to waste them all on a transfer without knowing the quality of your uterus." Ughhhhhh. Can I just admit that I don't want to drag this out any longer? The EFT requires a mock cycle and a biopsy... after it's all said and done, I'm guessing it would be an additional $1,000. But I feel awful about even considering the transfer without the test if he thinks it's that big of a deal. I certainly don't want to risk our embryos in an environment that they can't survive in. But if I'm being abundantly honest, I just don't have much hope for the embryos we have left... healthy uterus or other wise. The EFT feels like simply prolonging the inevitable to me, but Dr. Duffy seems to disagree. I'm not sure what would happen if I pressed the issue, but I got the feeling today that he'd refuse to transfer all four embryos if we don't do the EFT. And I really can't see transferring two more embryos again... not 3 cell and 6 cell grade 3 embryos.

So that's where we sit... in a jumbled mess of BIG decisions. I have no idea where we should go from here. When people ask how I'm doing, I reply "fine," but that's code for tired. Next month marks three years of trying to conceive and I am exhausted. I feel physically broken and mentally confused, but ultimately I'm just tired. I know that there are a ton of couples who have been at this so much longer than we have... five, six, seven years. The thought of three more years like this is more than my mind can handle. I was not made for the marathon... endurance has never been my thing. But onward we will go because what else can we do? And though I don't feel confident in this moment, I do feel confident that we will resolve this, we will research and wrestle until we feel confident. The big mess will eventually whittle down into a recognizable something and we will move forward from here. I may not know where we're headed exactly, but I'm sure that we are on a journey somewhere.

*By looking into CCRM, I'm not suggesting that an adopted child would be second best or that we wouldn't feel as if our dreams came true through adoption. IVF at CCRM is simply an option, and one that would allow us to experience a pregnancy. We're researching options, but that doesn't mean that we aren't excited about the idea of adoption.