Adoption in a TTC World

As I contemplate adoption and what that would look for my family, I continue to "worry" over one thing. Well, there are obviously lots of things to worry over, but there's one reoccurring thing regarding this blog. It seems to me that there's an unspoken idea in the TTC community that adoption is "giving up". I don't think anyone intentionally thinks this (maybe I'm wrong), but there's an undertone. Comments following failed cycles tend to remind the blogger that IUI and IVF takes time… "there's always next time, so don't give up. Keep trying and it will work, eventually."  Again, it's not blatant. I don't think it's even intentional, but we (I'm including myself here) often put forth this idea that adoption is in some way settling or giving up, that we should keep trying to conceive until the last nail is in the coffin.

The more I think about it, the more I don't think it's really this community specifically, it's everyone. There's just this general perception that for an infertile couple, adoption is second best. I've had lots of comments from friends and family in the last few weeks. Things like, "I wish we could give you the money for IVF so you can have another shot at your own kid." or "I think IVF will work if you keep at it. I mean, you're both so young." The more I look and think and listen, the more I recognize this ideology: adoption is often the second choice, so adoption is giving up. I've really had to take a step back and look at myself. Do I feel that way? Is that how I feel about adoption? Will I look at my adopted son or daughter and think "second best"? If there is one thing I'm learning about adoption, it's that it requires you to answer some really hard questions.

I've decided with full confidence that I can love a child that is not of my blood as if he/she was. So in that sense, adoption doesn't feel like giving up at all. Any option that ends with my arms filled rather than perpetually empty seems like a win to me. However, I do wonder if I might still long for a pregnancy even after we've adopted. It has long been a desire of mine to be pregnant, not just to have children. I recognize that I probably have a really glorified image of pregnancy, but I would still like to experience it. I also understand that infertility has probably robbed me of any ability to fully enjoy a pregnancy, as I'd worry until the bitter end. But again, I would still like to experience it. I feel like a successful pregnancy and birth would be very healing for me after all of this mess. It would allow me to love like my body again. Thus, while I wouldn't describe adoption as settling, it does obviously lack the ability to fulfill this particular dream.

But we're kind of getting off topic here... back to that worry. I worry how adoption would affect this blog. I don't want to lose these relationships. I can't tell you how much you all mean to me. Tears literally (and I do mean literally) come to my eyes when I think of all of you. I have no idea where I would be if it wasn't for the outpouring of love and support that I've received here over the years. And I don't for one second feel as if anyone would intentionally cut me off for pursuing adoption rather than IVF, goodness no, you are better people than that. But there's a noticeable trend in which like finds like. DOR ladies tend to have a lot of DOR blogs in their blog roll. Donor egg tends to congregate with donor egg. Even CCRM patients find other CCRM patients. I've never really gravitated towards one situation over the other. Maybe that's simply because I've never had a diagnosis. Selecting blogs to follow for me usually corresponds to one of the following A- compelling story, B- really good writer, C- blogger pursues me… and I'll be honest and say, I tend to gravitate towards names, photos, and clean design (aka, no curlz font). I know, I'm hard to please, my point is just, I've never set out to find "X" type of blog. But I'm sure that if we pursue adoption, I will seek out more adoption bloggers. I will want their advice and their support. But I would feel absolutely crushed if I became an outsider to those actively trying to conceive. I would still cherish the comments of those trying to conceive, and I hope that mine would be welcome to any of you as well. This space is important to me. Your friendships are invaluable to me. But I can't help but wonder if some people might be disappointed in my choice, if they might think I was giving up too soon.

I really loved how Mel put it in her post leading up to NIAW. She describes us pretty well when she writes,

I would argue that we’re not really the booting sort. We’re more of the cold freeze or the ignore or the not listening sort. I own that. You need to own it too. I’m not saying we do it on purpose, but we do it inadvertently, and the effect of this is for people to feel excluded. We have adoptive parents who not only have to convince outsiders to use positive adoption language, but they need to convince insiders too.

I am certainly guilty of the above from time to time. But I'll also add that I think all of this is a give and take in the blog world… if you announce you're adopting and then close up shop, of course that feels incomplete and unfinished to everyone you leave behind. A similar situation seems to occur with new moms. They wrestle with the space, and often stop blogging all together or start a new blog. So yes, those still trying to conceive can't freeze out the women who choose adoption just like neither can freeze out new moms.

Mel goes onto explain how and why she coined the term ALI (adoption loss infertility). She writes,

I specifically made it enormous and general so it would include everyone on the blogroll… Every single person on that blogroll has their foot in one of the three rings in this venn diagram, and some stand in all three circles… That definition — coining the term “ALI community” — was meant to remove everything that makes our individual diagnoses and situations unique and differentiating and instead bring us all together as a single entity working toward mutual support and understanding so it can extend to the outer world.

I don't think people really get it when I try to explain this space to them. Until you've experienced it, until you've witnessed it, you can't understand the power and the beauty of a community like this. I don't ever want to leave. You people are beautiful to me and this place is special. That alone makes it worth fighting for. So no matter which direction we decide to go from here, I'm committing to do my part. I'm reaching out past my comfort zone; I'm choosing inclusivity at every opportunity. I'm agreeing that if you've got (or had) even one toe in any of those three circles, then you belong, and nothing will change that. Won't you join me in supporting those who have resolved whether via adoption or ART? Won't you join me in supporting all of the various family building opportunities and reaffirming that every choice is valid?

Friends, I don't know what the future holds for my family. We might decide to adopt, bring home a child and later return for those precious embryos in Florida, only to find success in the final transfer. Conversely, we might go for the FET next, fail, move forwards with IVF at CCRM, bring home a baby, and then decide to add to our family via international adoption. If I had to guess, I still believe that we will pursue adoption and biological children at some point. In what order that will take place, I can't really say. I guess my point is that no matter how we build our family, no matter if we bring home three babies, one baby, or no babies, I am infertile at heart. These years have affected me down to my soul. Infertility is etched so deeply into who I am now, I simply wouldn't know who I am without you. When  I think of myself, I think of myself as a Christ follower, a wife, an infertile… I think of myself as part of a whole, a part of this community. And absolutely nothing about our next steps will change that.