Commitment-Phobe

I never thought of myself as someone who fears commitment. I wouldn't say I rush to make a decision; I've always been a "look before you leap" type of person, but I'm not afraid to commit. I was 95% sure that Sam was my guy within the first 6 months of dating. I'm thoughtful about big decisions; I'm a big fan of pro-con lists; I like color coded spread sheets, but typically once the data leans a certain way, I can securely state, "this is my decision" and I move forward. The Great Clinic Debate of 2013 has proven me otherwise: I am a Commitment-Phobe.

Yesterday's appointment went well. Nothing astounding, nothing terrifying, just a good solid appointment. He did commend me for exploring my options and stated that more people should do that. And he also scored some points by commenting on how knowledgeable I was and how well prepared I was (at which point I smile and think, I wish you could meet my friend Emily over at Eat Love Procreate. She'd knock your socks off!). I didn't love his rationale behind which embryos to freeze and which to discard, but he was open to my interpretation and willing to do as I asked. He recommended a different protocol than the other doctors, but was honest with me that his reasoning has less to do with me and more to do with what he is confident he does well. I can respect that. Like I said, overall, a good consult. I feel confident that he is an intelligent doctor who knows what he's doing.

So here's the thing: within about two hours of being in Jacksonville, I started to get a really good feeling. I can't really explain it, but for the first time I felt like I could breathe and talk about IVF at the same time. It felt doable. I immediately shrugged these feelings off as euphoria over a mini vacation... who wouldn't feel great at the prospect of beach, pool, and shopping. I told myself to focus on the facts. But the feeling just stayed. I felt good. I went to the consultation yesterday, and was unconsciously thinking "you've got to beat FIRM". I literally had to make myself stop half way through the appointment to refocus because I was comparing everything he said to the Jacksonville clinic.

On my way home (two hour drive) I spent some time thinking through what it is specifically that I like about FIRM. I came up with three things: doctor-patient interaction, cost, stress level. Almost all  clinics I've been to utilize the doctors rather than nurses or ultrasound technicians for monitoring appointments, but FIRM seemed the closest to my experience with ACRM. I would see MY doctor at every appointment, I'd have a few minutes to voice my concerns directly to HIM not a doctor or a nurse, but to MY person. This is huge to me. I have never been so frantic as when I couldn't get in touch with my doctor at RBA... seeing my doctor every few days eliminates a lot of this worry. The cost is huge for us! We currently have $4,400 in the savings account. That's not too far away from $7,300 but it's a drop in the bucket to $14,700. We could potentially pay for IVF and meds in January 100% out of pocket and I love that. And lastly, I never would have dreamed that traveling away for IVF would make things less stressful, but the more I think about it, the more I'm confident that being away from work, away from Atlanta traffic, away from regular responsibilities would alleviate a lot of stress. IVF will be stressful enough, why make it more so, right?

It may seem like I've talked myself straight into a decision, but I just can't seem to pull the trigger. Sam is fully on board (hallelujah). He loves the price. There is no real reason why I can't commit to FIRM except this nagging voice in my head, "but what if?". I had almost gotten there last night... Sam and I were both good with it, and then I stopped to look at the numbers. I wrote it all out on a napkin... I'll spare you all the napkin.

The Great Clinic Debate of 2013 (ordered by fresh cycle success)
        [IVF pregnancy rate-frozen rate-cost]

• Emory-   65.7%     30%    $12,800
• PREG-   56.4%     39%     $9,500
• FIRM-    54.2%      28%    $7,300
• ACRM-  49.6%      42%    $13,200
• SMFI*-  47.8%     50%     $6,975
• RBA-     40.7%     50%     $14,700

* Servy-Massey was barely off the ground in 2011, they only did 6 frozen embryo transfers

After looking at the numbers, I was worried again. The fresh rate seems solid to me... it's not the best in the country, but it is better than average. It's the frozen success rate that gives me the willies. It is the LOWEST of all the clinics we're considering. If I'm being 100% honest with you guys, it makes me feel like a bad parent to subject my (yet uncreated) embryos to such conditions. I tried to explain it to Sam last night, these protective feelings, this sense of burden I have for these lives and I obviously did a great job because he looked at me like I had a third eye. I'm trying to comfort myself with the fact that lesser quality embryos are less likely to succeed, but that Dr. Duffy regularly freezes grade C (which I like)... but maybe this explains the less than stellar success rates?!?!? Maybe it's not something FIRM is doing wrong, but just a different view on what is freeze worthy?!?!

I could talk about this for days and still be in the same place. I still have an appointment scheduled with Emory, but we're thinking about cancelling. Emory is pretty close to the other Atlanta prices... now granted they have success rates to back it up, but Sam's not loving the cost. I'm 80% in agreement, and I desperately need the hours of paid leave, but I haven't dialed because "what if?".

I am a self-professed Commitment-Phobe and I don't know what to do about it. Anybody have any insight? Which clinic would you choose?

Sunshine State

Whoa… I need a weekend to recuperate from my weekend. I'm exhausted. But the good news is, I think it was worth it. Let me back up:

If you've been following along on the blog for the last six months or so, you've probably discovered a few things about me like: A- we're doing IVF, B- we don't know where, and C- I'm indecisive. It's been a pretty happening place for the Greavus on the TTC front lately… there's been a lot of deep thinking, creating pro-con lists, crunching numbers, and planning. All of which has gotten us exactly no where. In the midst of my confusion and frustration on where to go for IVF, I created a list of all the better than average clinics in the country. Initially, I was incredibly overwhelmed and frustrated. The good clinics seemed to be so far away. I was stuck with mediocrity at a high price. I threw a pity party for a few days and whined about my inability to live in Massachusetts to get IVF for free or travel to Colorado for the best chances of success. Eventually, I got over myself and decided to visit a few more clinics based on my IVF wish list (and my husband's distance limit and price cap). I decided to visit FIRM in Jacksonville, Florida; PREG in Greenville, South Carolina; and Emory in Atlanta, Georgia. I decided that these three clinics, along with the other three I've already been to in the last year (RBA, ACRM and SMFI), would give me the best glimpse at what the southeast has to offer.

Friday, I had my consultation with FIRM in Jacksonville, Florida. Sam couldn't get off work, so my mom was kind enough to take the day and travel the six hours down with me. My weekend essentially started on Thursday night after the college girls in the community group I lead left about 10 o'clock. I then stuffed a bunch of items in a bag and headed to my mom's house. My appointment was at 1:15 on Friday, so we planned to leave with plenty of time, which equated to the crack of dawn. It made the most sense to drive home that night. I got in bed about midnight, or approximately two hours after my bed time (yep, I'm old before my time). Friday morning I was up at 5:30 and ready to hit the road. It was a very good thing we left when we did because, holy moly, the day was filled with "whoops".

Whoops in order:

1. Mom left her phone… go back home
2. Tractor trailer accident on I-75... go around
3. Missed the turn on the alternate route to avoid traffic... go further around
4. We thought IHOP would be quick... thought wrong
5. Missed the exit for I-10... 7.1 miles before the next exit to turn around
6. Got lost in the parking deck... waste time circling, trying to find the up ramp
7. Got lost in the hospital... race around getting on and off elevators
8. Mom lost her car keys... return to hotel room
9. Mom lost the room key... return to front desk

So yea, needless to say, the day was longggggg. In addition to the above fun, we also ran into a legitimate swarm of some kind of bug. I've been down to Tifton, Georgia before, so I get that there are lots of bugs, but this was kind of unreal. This was in infestation of bugs (mating) in the middle of the day. A bug apocalypse. It was unreal.

Windshield after about ten minutes into the plague of mating insects

The front bumper of mom's car upon arriving in Florida. She was pleased.

Luckily, despite ALL of the insanity, we managed to make it to the appointment sort of on time. I say sort of because we were most definitely late, but the doctor was later, so I say we get a pass. The appointment went pretty well. I liked the doctor: he seemed very knowledgeable and very up to date on research. I would see a doctor for every monitoring appointment and could potentially see him for every appointment if I was willing to go to a different office in Jacksonville each day (they have three offices in Jacksonville). Overall, I was fairly pleased with the visit... not in love, but satisfied.

After the appointment we went back to the parking deck, got lost again, and eventually made it the eight miles or so to our hotel: Hotel Indigo. I've never stayed in a Hotel Indigo before, but from what I've heard, they are very modern in design. Add in that Floridians apparently like appalling color combinations (orange and blue?!?!?) and well, I should have been expecting this. The lobby was tastefully done if you could look past seventeen bright, bold colors in one room. Thank goodness, the room was a more mellow. Overall it was a great little hotel. I would definitely stay here again. It was in a little eat/live/play type of village with a large pond outside... very safe, very peaceful, very convenient.

Standard double room: beds were AMAZING... or I was so tired I could
have slept on a rock. Either way, best night of sleep in a while!

After settling into the room, we grabbed a cup of frozen yogurt from a little place down the street, checked out the pool, and decided to wander over to a "small shopping area" just down the street. Holy freak out. I have NEVER seen a shopping mall like the St. John's Town Center. We have outdoor malls in Georgia, but I've never seen anything this massive. Name a store... it was there. Cole Haan, Dillards, Pottery Barn, Louis Vuitton, West Elm, Tiffany, Lucky, Lush, Antropologie, Michael Kors... oh and there is another phase opening soon. What is missing?!?!? Anyway, we walked what felt like ten miles and only saw about a quarter of the place. By this time we were starving so we grabbed dinner at P.F. Changs, a slice of cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory, and fudge to take home from Kilwin's... they were all within ten feet of eachother. It was too hard to decide.

All in all it was a great trip. I had fun with my momma, which is always great, but ultimately it was a really good decision to go down and visit. I'll be the first to admit that I am incredibly scared to travel alone. Before the trip, if we'd chosen FIRM, I planned to stay in the hotel room except for appointments unless absolutely necessary. My one and only other visit to Jacksonville was during a Georgia/Florida game, and well, I was afraid for my life, so I wasn't looking at FIRM as a real fun option. After going down, navigating the roads, seeing the different hotel options, I could TOTALLY do this. I would not be afraid to go out by myself, take a walk, grab dinner, etc. The only real issue would be giving myself injections... but I'm not worrying about that yet. My mom has graciously offered to come stay with me if I choose FIRM for a few days, and Sam might be able to come down towards the end for a day or so... in the middle, I'd just make it work.

So yea, good trip. Long trip as we drove back home Saturday morning, and then I drove back to Athens, but good. I'm glad I didn't opt of the phone consultation. Seeing Jacksonville, where I'd stay, where I'd buy groceries, where the doctor's office is definitely made me feel a lot more comfortable. FIRM is a legitimate option right now, and I couldn't be more surprised.

I have another consultation today in Greenville, South Carolina. I'm driving myself, so that's awful, but it will be good practice. If we choose this clinic, the plan would be to stay in Athens and drive in each day for monitoring. This clinic is a little more expensive, but has a little better success rates too. I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Two Words

Two years ago today, I read one of the two single most significant words of my life. I read "Pregnant" off of a Clearblue Easy Digital pregnancy test on a Friday afternoon. I just couldn't wait for the morning; the box of tests was calling to me, whispering sweet words of hope. I say that it was one of two words because the second most significant word came the next morning: "not pregnant" (that's two words, but whatever). On Friday, September 9, 2011, my whole world changed. The trajectory of my future took a sharp turn on that day. It was the exact path I'd been hoping for…. And then we veered off course. I was fully aware of my pregnancy without fear for all of fifteen hours. And then everything fell apart.

Miscarriage is a really hard thing to explain to someone who has never experienced it. I seem like the least authoritative person to discuss this as I a- knew about my pregnancy for 2.4 seconds, and b-sometimes doubt if I was even pregnant. But at the time, I fully believed I was pregnant and fully believed that my child was slipping away, one flush of the toilet at a time. To say it changed me, would be an understatement. It continues to change me today, two years later. It has changed my faith, my marriage, the way I perceive myself, my relationships with my family and friends. It has literally changed everything.

Miscarriage is not unique within the infertility and loss community. We carry more than our fair share of the losses. Interestingly enough, I did not count myself as a member of the community at the time. In fact, I was assured that this loss had nothing to do with infertility. This was only our fourth month of trying after all. This was not a sign of things to come, this was not reason to worry. It was simply an early loss, most likely due to some chromosomal issue. I heard "it's nature taking its course" and "it's your body protecting itself" so many times... I wanted to scream. Even then, even when everyone assured me that I would get pregnant again, that this was just an unfortunate circumstance, that we'd get another chance, even then, miscarriage hurt; hurt like hell.

I know that people outside of the infertility community wonder why in the world I'm still talking about this pregnancy two years after the fact. Lots of people have miscarriages, but they don't let it define them. I get that. Totally get it. But here's the thing: when you combine miscarriage and infertility, it changes things. I imagine I would still think back and wonder "what if"; I'd wonder how our lives would look different; I'd still want that child even if infertility never became a part of our story. But if our doctor had been right, if we'd gone on to conceive again five months later, I'd have a nine month old right now, and everything would be different. I'd still miss that child, but I'd have this child right in front of me, and I wouldn't trade, so I'd say "God's plan is perfect". I would agree with others that miscarriage sucks something terrible, but my scars would be healing, my fears would be relieved, my pain would be mitigated by the crawling, teething, happy little toddler before me.

You see, it's one thing to miscarry, but it's another thing entirely to lose what may be your only chance. Because that's what it feels like. To the women who wait years, not months, to conceive, that loss is magnified more that you can imagine. They've waited 2, 3, maybe 5 years or more for this chance. To have it stolen, to watch your child leave your body, to feel your baby break free from your womb after all that time... words can't describe it. All children are precious, but that child, that child was extra precious. It wasn't conceived in a hot tub, or after a night of over indulgence, or in a moment of love and passion between the sheets. That child was conceived in stirrups, or a petri dish, or from hours of painstakingly timed intercourse. That child cost tears, and pain, and stress, and thousands of dollars. That child was fought for. The child is not more valuable than the one more easily conceived, no, that's not what I'm saying. But to that mom and dad a miscarriage is not only a loss of that child (and that's bad enough) it's the loss of time, of  energy, of money, of hope. You see, it took Jack and Sue five years to see those two pink lines, and the truth is, they don't have another five years to wait. So Sue and Jack not only mourn the loss of the baby they conceived but also the hope they had placed in that baby. Now they must start over with no guarantee. Sure, there's a one in a bazillion chance that they'll get lucky again next month, but there is a greater chance that they might not get lucky again at all.

Miscarriage is terrible; it hurts like hell; it rips a hole in your chest that you can't seem to fill, but add in infertility, and you've got another level of pain and loss entirely. So yes, I cling to that pregnancy, that single word on that test like a life raft at sea in the middle of a storm because it's been two years and I haven't seen that word or heard it since then. All too often, that baby, that life seems like it was my one shot. So I continue to mourn not only that precious soul, but also the fulfillment of my dreams, the family we could have been, and the me I was before I ever read "not pregnant" that Saturday morning in September.

Decorating on a Dime

I mentioned a while ago that I was crafting. It's not something that I regularly do, because lets be honest, the more fashionable it becomes to craft, the pricier it all becomes. Sure, if I had greater resources, I might accomplish more of my Pinterest dreams, but well, there are more important things most days. However, we recently moved into a super small duplex in Athens. It's not cute. It has zero charm and lots of flaws, so I decided to try to hide some of it's less desirable traits with some inexpensive craft projects. Obviously, I found all of these on Pinterest. If there is another way of finding crafts (I'm sure there is... but I can't remember. What did we do before Pinterest, again? The Martha Stewart show?) it is far too difficult. And I actually didn't even go looking for any of these. Almost all of these finds have been sitting on my board for years just waiting. So without further ado, I present to you the finished pieces.

Item 1: Shipping Pallett Wall Decor

I'm big on efficiency. It would not be efficient, but rather a giant waste of time for me to type up a how-to when I followed the instructions off of someone else's blog. I will however explain the interesting issues that I discovered in this process. First of all, my pallet looked nothing like this. It was FREE, so that was awesome, but aesthetically, it wasn't a great design. So I took it apart. Yes it took time. Yes it probably would have "worked" just fine had I left it, but my purpose wasn't just for it to "work" but rather to look cool while being functional. So I took out all of the nails, sanded the boards (no one wants splinters during the staining process), and stained them. We're on a strict budget, and as you'll see, we purchased stain for another project, so I decided to utilize the same stain. However, with the super cheap wood, the stain absorbs crazy fast, so we diluted it with mineral spirits. That seemed to work really well. However, just a word of advice, use the no/low odor stuff, otherwise your house will stink for DAYS! Once it had been stained and a coat of polyurethane had been added, we put it back together in a more attractive manor. I say we, I mean Sam. I want him to feel involved, you know?

So here it is:

Item 2: Shipping Pallet + Mason Jars= Bathroom Storage Solution

Again, I'm totally not typing up a how-to. You can read all about it. The only real difference here is that I did not have a perfectly sized pallet thing from IKEA, so my sweet husband cut a full size pallet down.. The rest is the same. It definitely solves our bathroom problems. Our bathroom has a sink with VERY little counter space and NO drawer space. So this little guy is great for things we use every day like toothbrushes, Q-tips, cottonballs, etc. It would be great to hold make-up brushes too, but I've been relegated to a different room to get ready in the morning as our bathroom is too small for us to both stand in at the same time. The only expenses were the mason jars, and the pipe fitting thingies. We used the same stain again, and as I mentioned before the pallet was FREE!

What do you think?

Item 3: Wall Art

This, I'll shamefully admit, is a copy of some girl's etsy product. I will say that I didn't realize it was a work of art someone was selling until after I'd already recreated it... oops! It was also a relatively inexpensive project (unlike her paintings). As  I was an art student once upon a time, I've got way too many blank canvases and tubes of paint lying around, so I put them to good use. I did run out of white paint, and my black was as dry as a rock, so there was minimal expense there. Bummer.

Take a look:

Item 4: Cage for the Demon Dog

A little back story: When we bought Sterling, I had some rose-colored glasses on for sure. We crate trained him, and he actually learned to sleep very peacefully in his crate after seveeral months. Sleep being the operative word. Leave him in it during waking hours, and he goes BONKERS!!! The wire crate had lost the fight by the time he was ten months old. For weeks I came home to him with wires pointed in at him all over the cage. It was basically a death trap. Needless to say, we bought him a new crate. But it's HUGE and really loud, so we didn't put it in our bedroom. We wondered, as he's SUCH a good sleeper, if he might sleep on his bed in the corner. That lasted for about a week. He went to sleep sweetly, but about 1AM he would come to MY side of the bed and nose me with his FREEZING cold nose asking, "mom, can we snuggle?". And thus began the "Sterling, on your bed." then "mom, can we snuggle?" war for the next five hours. So we hauled back out the old wire crate and he has slept in it ever since. But ughhhhh.... it's so UGLY!!! It has holes in it. It's rusty. You can see his ratty, shredded bed. I was not loving the idea of having that in our bedroom for the rest of his life. And then I found this lady, Ana White, via Pinterest. She makes the coolest things… but one was AWESOME. Her dog crate is stylish and functional. So after much begging, my husband set out to make one. Now obviously ours has to be a little larger all around… actually much taller, but we used the initial design. I think it turned out really well! It will look even better once it's painted!

Item 5: Cereal Box Monogram

Monograms are all the rage… is that a Southern thing? Do people out west or up north monogram kid's backpacks and lunch boxes? Do they slap monograms on their front door wreath or welcome mat? Anyway, I saw this and thought it was pretty cool. And it was FREE (except for the spray paint).  I learned that I am quite possible the worst at paper mache; even Sam was better at it than me! I made it significantly harder on myself than is necessary by choosing the lowercase "g"… all those curls and the weak midpoint joint made for a more frustrating project than I anticipated, but I'm semi-pleased with the final result.

Item 6: Shoebox Decor

This one was another budget friendly choice… the only cost was scrapbooking paper and I made sure I bought clearance and sale items. Again, super simple. No real explanation needed. I changed it up and used shoe boxes rather than wood as it is A-free and B- requires zero effort. The only hiccough I ran into was selecting extra large shoeboxes (I'm surrounded by big feet). It becomes a headache to piece the paper together to cover if the box is too big. If I had it do over, I'd purchase all of the paper at one time; paper seems to change with the seasons, and as I'm the slowest crafter ever, I spanned the seasons. It looks a little disjointed to me, I'd like some more cohesion, but ultimately it serves it's purpose by filling a horribly ugly wall.

Ta Da-

Item 7: Table & Chairs 

This I stole from my good friend Lesley Anne. We've wanted a table with matching chairs for a while… plus a set that was ours, not borrowed from several different sources. I figured if I didn't find something super cheap that I liked, we'd find something ugly and refinish it like the Fenton's. Well, believe it or not, the cheapest set we found was JUST like the Fenton's, so now we are breakfast table twins! I'll be honest and say that we did not use all of the products Lesley Anne and her husband Kyle did. We took several shortcuts, and our table and chairs certainly suffered for it, but they turned out fairly nice, just don't look too closely!

Item 8: Coffee Table

This is actually ALL Sam. I found two ideas for potential, cheap coffee tables, here and here, but he didn't love either. He found this design and completed it himself over the Labor Day weekend. Go Sam! The table cost us a whopping $65, and yes, we used the same stain. Glad we found a color we liked! I stained the table different colors by applying multiple coats to some boards and wiping the stain off super quickly to the others.

So there you have it, slowly but surely, we'll make this house half a house a home! And the good news is that I like everything enough to implement it in some way into our next place.

It took a major kick in the pants by way of the realization that I was about to have a house full of non-family members on a regular basis in my home to get motivated enough to finish these projects. Crafting always sounds WAY more fun than it is... 800 trips to Michaels later and we are all done!

Bittersweet

Despite the truth in Erika's post about the very un-fall weather, Starbucks has favored me with one of my favorite drinks yet again. So even though the forecast calls for 88 degrees and blaring sunshine today, I'm indulging in my very first Pumpkin Spice Latte of the year.

 

 

 

Yep, this Pumpkin Spice Latte has my name all over it!

But the truth is, I don't freak out over PSLs the way I use to. Their lovely, spicey flavor is kind of tainted now... sort of bittersweet. You see it was on this Friday in September one hundred and four weeks ago that I saw my very first (and only) positive pregnancy test... and we all know how that turned out.

What in the world does a Pumpkin Spice Latte have to do with a pregnancy test and an eventual miscarriage? Absolutely nothing. I'm sure of that now. Starbucks did not kill my baby. But in the days post miscarriage, I was looking for any reason, any explanation as to why this was happening to me. I hadn't been drinking coffee as I had read to cut caffeine when trying to get pregnant, so I did. But I couldn't pass up this particular latte on my way into work one day, and boom... two days later, a positive pregnancy test turned negative. I thought of LOTS of things that I might have done wrong during that time; drinking coffee was just one of them. And like I said, I'm fully confident now that this had nothing to do with the miscarriage... I'm infertile after all.

Despite the knowledge, Pumpkin Spice Lattes have become irreversibly connected to my miscarriage. I can't drink one without a flood of memories washing back through me. In fact, last year, I was afraid to drink them, afraid of the pain and emotions that would resurface. But now, two years later, 99% of the time, I go throughout my days without thinking about my loss. It certainly changed me, and I never thought I'd get to a place where I didn't think about it everyday, but the truth is I don't. But the truth is also that the memories are sharp, clear, and just below the surface ready to replay at a moment's notice. So in a way, these warm, pungent beverages have become a sort of tradition, a way of remembering, a way of mourning. So I'll just sit here with my Pumpkin Spice Latte and sip it quietly and remember and wonder what might have been.

Overwhelmed

I'm stuck. I'm unable to make a decision. Unable to plan our next steps. I want nothing more than to have a plan. I want nothing more than to move forward. I want progress. I'm assuming you want the same things from me because you're oh so very tired of listening to me weigh the options. "Pick already, " I hear you scream! Don't worry; I'm screaming it at myself. I really thought Monday's appointments would make things easier, but if anything, I feel less resolved than ever.

I wish I could move forward with confidence. I wish I could say this is the clinic for me, commit, and be done with it. We will never know how much money we need until we commit to a clinic. We will never have a plan for achieving/earning/raising/borrowing this giant sum of money until we know how much we need. This is the pivotal decision that everything hinges on, and I can't seem to make the decision. The decision to eliminate. The decision to explore. The decision to commit. I can't make any of them.

I thought making a wish list might help… a "these are the five things I want out of my IVF clinic/doctor/experience" type list. So I did it; I made a list:

1. high success rates- if we're only doing one fresh cycle, I want to know we're giving it our very best shot
2. reasonable cost- I started to say low cost, but decided I really meant reasonable. I've decided reasonable means this: clinics with national average success rates get to charge national average fees, below has to charge below, above can charge above. Therefore, CCRM gets to charge an arm and a leg, but The Center for Reproductive Health in Nashville does not (15%! really?)
3. patient-doctor contact- I know this about myself: I will be a FREAKING basket case if I never talk to my doctor. The more opportunity to see my doctor leading up to the biggest, most expensive moment ever, the better, in my opinion.
4. location- obviously convenience of clinic lowers stress and seriously helps out the husband as he cannot get off of work very easily
5. embryo success- everyone has assured me that I'll have gobs of embryos. If by some miracle this is true,  I want to know that I'm giving these precious babies the best possible chance at life... the more I think on it, I'm wondering if this isn't THE most important criteria of all

I thought this list would help me decide, help me eliminate, help me make the best decision, help me do SOMETHING. Unfortunately, I'm simply more confused now than ever. So I decided to do what I always do... more research. I started reading articles about how to pick the right clinic, about the top clinics and what they have in common, about choosing doctors, etc. The theme seemed to be that while statistics often don't tell the whole story, we should take statistics seriously. In Georgia, the data available from SART places all of the clinics pretty close together... approximately a 10% spread just at or below the national average. Thus, I always assumed that this was true of the ENTIRE country. I started hearing crazy talk about CCRM and their wild rates as I had more and more friends go there, but I assumed they were the exception; everywhere else must be like Georgia. So I literally looked up EVERY. SINGLE. CLINIC listed on SART. You guys, not all IVF clinics were created equal! If you life in or west of Colorado, omg, the success is overwhelming. And the northeast... Rocking! However, if you live in the southeast, well bad news for you, but you'll be lucky if you have ONE clinic that beats the national average in your state. And poor mid-westerners. I'm so sorry, but your chances are slim. Like crazy slim. I found SO MANY clinics with less than 20% chances of success... that's like paying for IVF with the same chances most places give for IUI... huh?!? But on the flip side, there were TONS of clinics with great success rates... pages in fact... I filled SIX pages with clinics that met my criteria (above national average success and more than 100 total cycles in a year).

Six pages of clinics that do more than 100 cycles a
year and have at or better than 42% odds of success

All of this research really made me mad. As if infertility isn't unfair enough. As if needing IVF to solve infertility isn't unfair enough. As if having no insurance coverage for infertility treatments isn't unfair enough, I basically live in the armpit of infertility treatment centers. I already unloaded on Suzanne (she gets it, if I'm in one armpit, she's in the other), so thank her for taking the brunt of my angst, but you guys, this is just frustrating.  Georgia only has two clinics (based on the most current data) that fits my criteria, California has twenty-one, Colorado has three (of the best), Texas has eleven. I think I'm starting to understand Resolve's infertility scorecard a bit more... but I don't think 44 out of 51 really captures the difference between Georgia and Massachusetts (number 1). That's just ranking the states, but really if Massachusetts gets a 100, Georgia gets a 12 (in my opinion). So frustrating.

I just don't know where to go from here. IVF is already THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING EVER, so we really don't have the money to look at traveling to Pennsylvania, or California for treatment. But I feel like I'm settling by staying in Georgia, I feel like I'm saying my future maybe baby isn't worth it. And the Lord knows I would go to the moon and back for my child, no distance, no cost would be too high, but this doesn't feel the same... should it?

I'm just feeling really discouraged. I can't comprehend how everyone else chooses a clinic so easily. This feels MONUMENTAL. I suddenly feel the weight of IVF, the pure gravity of such a decision, the immense responsibility I have for these lives that we will attempt to create. I feel the pressure to get this decision right, not simply because we want to be successful, or because it's a lot of money, but because these doctors, these clinics will literally hold our children in their hands. And so I'm stuck, unable to decide, to choose, to move, to veto. In a word, I'm overwhelmed.

Anybody want to choose for me?

Ruffled Feathers

First of all, let me take a moment to say thank you! Y'all are so sweet to care about our appointments. Thanks for the love and the prayers yesterday... even Sam was feeling the love, so THANKS!

Unfortunately, yesterday was kind of a frustrating day. Don't get me wrong, at this point, I'm a firm believer that all information is good information... it may not be what I want to hear, but it's good information to have. However, with that said, yesterday was a lot of what I didn't want to hear. You may remember that we decided to go in with a BUNCH of questions to our two consultations. Our first consult was with Dr. Massey at Servy Massey Fertility Institute. This appointment, overall, went better than I expected, but I didn't go in with very high hopes. Dr. Massey was really nice. He answered ALL of my questions very thoroughly. He did call me "subfertile" rather than infertile, so I kind of wanted to punch him in the face, (my new biggest pet peeve!) but he meant it as a "thumbs-up" kind of thing, not a "are you two sure you know what you're doing?" kind of thing, so I resisted. He also called me "needy" and "high maintenance" and had a good chuckle with Sam over that, but I'm the first to admit this, so I let that slide. Particularly because in reference to question number six, "What will my level of contact be with the office? Will I have a direct way to speak with someone?", he simply rattled off his personal cell phone number. This scored him some MEGA points! He did try to convince me that I didn't want to freeze sub-par embryos, but when I pushed, he said he'd allow me to freeze whatever I wanted. The biggest thing that I liked about him and the office was that I would see him; I would have direct interaction with him at each monitoring appointment, and of course the cost savings is pretty huge. The greatest deterrents were:

1. location-both the main office (it took right at 2 hours to get to the appointment, even at 10am) AND the retrieval and transfer office (Augusta) require a good bit of travel
2. frozen embryos- there is an additional charge to freeze more than 8 embryos, and the FET success rates are moderate

In between our morning and afternoon appointments, we had time to swing by IKEA and to have a yummy lunch at Vini Vidi Vici. It's one of Sam's favorite restaurants, but it's in Atlanta and kind of pricey, so we never go. Sam had his favorite pasta and I had a yummy panini. In the midst of the business people of Atlanta discussing uber important things like real estate purchases and business mergers, we discussed my uterus and things like that. Good times.

The appointment at RBA was kind of blah. I don't really know what I was hoping for, maybe an offer for free IVF?!? Essentially, he didn't have a reason why IUI #4 failed, but when pushed, he said that at this point, he assumes we have either an egg quality issue or an embryo quality issue. Sad face times a million. He's hopeful that it could still be a fertilization problem (that ICSI would solve), but he doesn't really think that's it. I asked about the falling success rates and he suggested that it was probably due to the number of DOR patients they have been seeing in the last few years. He suggested that RBA is one of the top clinics and that women turn to them when they either fail at other clinics or when they are turned away by other clinics. This was one of those moments when my feathers kind of got ruffled. In my opinion (and in my experience) CCRM is the ULTIMATE collector of these types of patients. In fact, I currently have three blog friends who are cycling there and one more who intends to if her current cycle fails (fingers crossed). My point is this: CCRM takes them all, the non-existent AMH, the rejected, the repeat fails, and yet, they have a 65% success rate. I don't think a few additional DOR patients really explains a 10% decrease in success rates. In my opinion, CCRM has the right to charge $13,080 for IVF for 65% success rates, but RBA doesn't have the right to charge $13,500 for 34% success rates... see where I'm coming from? Needless to say, his reasoning kind of ruffled my feathers. However, he made a really strong case for them in regards to future children. In his opinion, going through RBA is like securing a sibling. He's pretty darn confident that we will have success and that we will have frozen embryos. The question then becomes who do I entrust with these embryos? He argued that they have one of the most sophisticated labs and freezing techniques, and they have the stats to back it up. They do significantly more FETs that most clinics and have a 50% success rate for each transfer. This is pretty huge to me.
That along with the convenience of the Gwinnett office are the two biggest perks. The things I don't love are:

1. cost (obviously)
2. contact with the clinic- it's apparently completely plausible that I could complete my ENTIRE IVF cycle and never see Dr. Slayden. He doesn't do monitoring appointments and transfer and retrieval will be by whoever is on call. I find this odd, and immensely frustrating.

I really hoped that after yesterday's two appointments I would be coming here to yell you guys our plan. Unfortunately, I'm not. Shocking, I know. The Greavu's are nothing if not thorough (err, slow) at making decisions. The good news is that we left both appointments on the same page (miracle), so we won't have to wrestle for the right to decide (I'd obviously win).  If you've hung with us this long, thanks, I promise some day we'll decide on something and actually move forward. Until then...