Pieces of Eight

Another month has flown by. Garrison is now 8 months (and seven days…oops) old. The days are seriously flying by. I know I'll blink and Thanksgiving will be gone and Christmas will be just days away. Moments later, my teeny, tiny baby will be turning one. It's been that kind of a year. I'm trying so hard to enjoy it all and soak it all in. Unfortunately, a lot of days I feel like a plate spinner…you know those people who spin multiple plates on pointy sticks for fun? That's what I imagine I look like, except a lot less graceful. So before I drop all the plates or enough days pass and he's nine months old, let's get this update together.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubba, Bubs

This is all the smile you're going to get mom...shoot fast.

Stats: I don't have an official height, but I did take him in for a weight check. He weighs 15 lbs 14.7 oz. I measured his height at home, and unfortunately it doesn't look like he's grown in height at all. Still about 25.5 inches. I'm telling myself that means a big growth spurt is coming. One thing I am not used to is dealing with short legs and arms. That has never been my issue. At 5'8, I've always been right at the line where I need tall pants even in flats, but my real problem has always been the length of sleeves. Sleeves are never long enough…so frustrating. And then I met my 6'9 husband who needs 36" inseams and wears size 14 wide shoes and my frustrations no longer seemed all that valid. Needless to say, we order a lot of clothes online in this family. I never dreamed we'd have a kid who needs his pants rolled up 2-3 times. New territory for us for sure. He's still wearing size 3-6 or 6 month clothes and size two diapers.

He loves his chirpy chicken.

Eating: We're still offering 5 ounces about every three hours, but he will eat well one bottle and then not the next, or eat everything in sight one day and then be completely uninterested the next day. He's eating about 20-26 ounces a day between the seven bottles we offer. I unfortunately did not get very brave or adventurous this month with baby led weaning. He's still eating avocados, pears, and occasionally bananas. We added sweet potatoes this month and he does like those a lot. He's eating two "meals" a day, but only 2-4 slices at each meal. He's just not a big eater. I hope to be more adventurous this month so that by nine or ten months he can eat a bit more of what we actually eat. That will make meal time a tad less stressful for all of us.

Naked baby enjoying some sweet potatoes.

Sleeping: Sleep continues to be the same…he's a pretty phenomenal sleeper at night and a super crappy sleeper during the day. Daycare typically tells me if he naps for more than thirty minutes like it's some kind of celebration. Some days he continues to wake up at 5:30 in the morning. There doesn't seem to be a reason, but it's pretty consistent: if he's going to wake up, it's going to be between 5 and 5:30 in the morning.

Those lips! Also note the cat sleeping on his butt.

Likes: Garrison's current obsession is standing. He learned to pull up about a week before he hit eight months and how he wants to stand ALL. THE. TIME. He has zero patience for sitting. Why sit when you can stand? He enjoys standing on the edge of his exersaucer and holding on to the side.

So Many Pumpkins...he was super over it at this point.
The opened-mouth, half smile was as good as he was giving.

Garrison has also perfected the art of the army crawl. He's sooooo close to really crawling, but for now, he's pretty dang fast at pulling with his arms. I think he's enjoying his freedom a good bit.

All-Most-There

Dislikes: This new freedom has ironically been paired with some SEVERE separation anxiety. I read that some babies will cry when mom leaves the room around this age. Garrison takes it to the extreme… if I move or even shift my weight in preparation to leave, he loses his ever loving mind. This has made our morning routine pretty miserable. I have been known on more than one occasion to load up the car without finishing my makeup or my hair just to drive around for 10-20 minutes to end the non-stop screaming. Thankfully, he does like the car again, so that typically works.

Beep beep. Out of the way.

Looking forward to: Well, Garrison is moving to a new class in daycare. While on one hand that makes me a little sad, on the other hand, I'm pretty proud. There are other babies who are younger than he is, but developmentally farther along in the new class. It makes me happy that he's catching up and meeting the milestones needed to move on. Fall has been wonderful thus far. I continue to look forward to more days with my little love. I'm seriously counting down the weeks until Thanksgiving when I'll get a nice little break from work and some serious time at home with my little man.

Thoughts on Infertility from the Other Side

This blog has become what I always thought it would be (with a lot less blogging than I imagined). You see, I never set out to be an infertility blogger. I didn't really set out to be an anything blogger. I just started blogging. While a lot of infertility bloggers struggle with the space they've created once they bring home a child, I'm not. Or at least not in the same ways. This space is mine and it's the space I've created to write about my life. In this current season, blogging is HARD because finding time to do anything is hard, let along string together two well thought out sentences that someone might actually want to read. But blogging about my son, his milestones, our adventures...it feels natural. This is the life I always thought I would lead (well except that I was six years younger and twenty pounds lighter in my dreams, but hey).

While blogging about my son and our life together (or more accurately his monthly updates...let's be real) feels normal and good in this space, I haven't forgotten my roots. Infertility is in me, down deep. I'm blissfully happy, overwhelmed at the grace given to me in the form of this beautiful boy, but I am still infertile. Thoughts on infertility don't consume me, but I do still think about infertility. Pretty regularly actually. My thoughts are probably two fold...part from being a mother on the other side of the waiting and yearning for a child, and the other from having chosen adoption to get there.

What are my thoughts on infertility now that I'm a mom? Well for starters that season of my life SUCKED. I may still be infertile, but I'd rather be infertile with a child than infertile without every. single. day. While I may absolutely go through another season of longing and waiting to add to my family, I can't imagine that anything will be as miserable as those first four years.

Secondly, nothing about my body has changed...it's still just as broken as ever, but my outlook on this broken body and the crappy circumstances of infertility is so much more optimistic now that I have Garrison. But I remember those days, the ones where I honestly wasn't sure if I'd ever hold a child and call him son or daughter. That was the darkest season of my life.

While that season is definitely over, I am still infertile. My body is still broken, still not functioning the way that a woman's body should. I will have to make my peace with that or allow it to haunt me, but either way, adopting Garrison or any other child will not change my body. And, unlike the recent upsurge of those surprisingly pregnant after giving birth from a successful IUI or IVF treatment in the community, adoption will not reset or convince my body that it does in fact know what to do. I am still just as infertile today as this time last year when we started the adoption process, and the year before that as we prepared for IVF. Garrison didn't change my broken body. I imagine that in some ways pregnancy and birth after infertility are healing. At least, I always thought it would be. My body's triumph over this stupid condition...adoption does not provide that same sense of victory. I don't hate my body, that's really not the issue. Sure, I wish it was less pudgy, slimmer, with curves in the right places rather that where they currently reside, but I don't look at my body and think FAILURE should be tattooed across my forehead. However, adoption isn't changing the way I see my body...and it's probably never going to. My breasts will likely sag (even more than they do now), but I will never look at them with joy or pride for the nourishment that they provided. I'll likely have a stretch mark or two, but they won't be the sign of a warrior, proud of the life she carried inside. Rather they'll just be the lingering reminder of one too many pints of Ben and Jerry's. I am still infertile both in definition and in spirit, despite the adorable blue-eyed boy perched on my hip.

Despite the almost daily reminders of my infertility, it is not the all consuming presence it once was. And interestingly enough, Garrison is not a reminder of my infertility, which many have voiced as a question to me. I don't look at Garrison and think of my infertility or even his adoption into our family...I just see my son. The daily reminders of infertility are the same things they always were--pregnancy announcements, the fertility friend app on my phone ("Did you know that charting your cervical fluid can help you pinpoint your most fertile days?" Umm, yeah, NO.), the box of used needles from my IVF cycle in my linen closet, the packets of Pregnitude that fall out of the medicine box, pregnant women. They all still remind me of my condition just like they always did. Pregnany belly bumps still hurt like crazy. It's not exactly a knife in the stomach any longer, but it's still a good firm kick. The largest part of my free thoughts go to Garrison and planning and dreaming about the future, but there are still (and maybe always will be) triggers. So yes, I absolutely feel infertile and yes, I still think about infertility pretty regularly; however, I no longer feel completely consumed or trapped by my infertility. I have found my path to my family and it has freed me to dream about growing a large family again.

What are my thoughts on infertility after adoption? I don't think anyone, infertile or otherwise, really knows how they will feel about adoption until they've lived it. It's part of the fear. "How will I feel looking into the eyes of a child that it not biologically related to me?" You can't really say until you do it. "How will I bond with this child who did not grow inside of me?" There are 1,000 different experiences and no one can say how the bonding and attachment season will go until you're neck deep in it. I really struggled with the idea that adoption was a calling and I wasn't sure if I was called...maybe adoption wouldn't "work" for me because I just simply wanted to adopt. Interestingly, adoption is changing me, changing who I am and what I dream about. Adopting made adoption my calling. The presence of infertility in my life no longer seems like the end of my story. It's a big freaking part, but more importantly it's the avenue, the walls of the river, if you will, that funneled me to my family. I still can't say that I would chose infertility, but I can say that I'd chose my son every day, and if infertility is the only way I'd find him, I'd walk that road again just to hold him in my arms.

What are my thoughts on biological children/pregnancy after adopting and becoming a mom? Before adopting, I was 100% confident in me need to experience a pregnancy at some point. I knew that after our first adoption I would return for IVF, donor eggs, or donor embryos because experiencing a pregnancy and giving birth was extremely high on my priority list. Now? It's really not. Would I like to experience all of that? Abso-freakin-lutely. Am I willing to spend the next five years chasing that dream? No, I'm really not. There are other ways to build my family, ways that currently excite me so much more than pursuing round after round of treatment. And this is in no way a slight against those seeking treatment. I get it. I was full steam ahead with ART once upon a time too. What I do wish, so deep down in my soul, is that those who are still waiting and wondering if they will ever hold their child would find the way to that child. Whether that's through medication, lifestyle change, prayer, acupuncture, adoption, fertility treatments, surrogacy...whatever the path is, I hope everyone finds it. My path didn't look anything like I thought it would, and my path continues to change even now. My son is changing what I want for my future, what I want for our family, where I want my money to go, and how I want to spend my days as we build our family.

The desire to give birth to a biological child is still there, but it has very little to do with wanting a child to share my DNA...actually it has nothing to do with that at all. It also has very little to do with wanting to carry a child. As I mentioned, I would like that experience. Very, very much. However, ultimately my desire to get pregnant and give birth comes from a desire for God to heal me. Sara Hagerty writes in Every Bitter Thing is Sweet, "I struggled, instead, with knowing that God could heal me, but he didn't." That's really the whole deal right there. I wrote about Sara's book earlier this year and said that I wasn't sure who I'd be if my fertile years run out and he never chooses to heal me. Will I still love God? Will I be bitter to the depths of my core? It seems much less severe today after becoming a mom, but like Sara, I still wrestle with that question. I want to be pregnant and give birth not because I'm desperate to look into a pair of green eyes with a head full of hair, but rather I yearn to see my God do the impossible in a tangible way.

For me, adoption has been the greatest blessing. Garrison is healing parts of my heart that have been broken for so, so long. I wasn't sure if I'd really ever by happy again, and this little boy is making morning sunrises and the changing seasons and so many other things glorious and new again. He's also changing my heart, allowing me to begin at the very smallest level to look from my own pain, which often causes us to look inward, and begin to look out and see the pain around me. Adopting Garrison is opening my eyes to the plight of the orphan in new ways. Now I cry over orphans and children in foster care...literal tears. It's no longer just a sad story for me, it's a desire to help in a real and tangible way. I long to scoop up the oppressed, marginalized, ignored, and forgotten, along with those who were deeply loved but whose birth family could not provide and bring them home. If I had to guess today, I doubt our family will look like the average family...and our kids certainly won't look like us. I imagine all of the kids will be blended in color, ethnicity, origin...and likely even how they join the family. Donor embryos and adoption (likely international) are the most probable ways for us to continue our family, and I seriously could not be more excited about the opportunities and possibilities before us.

Seventh Heaven

The months just keep passing, no matter what I do. Somehow, my itty, bitty baby went and turned 7 months old. For a thousand reasons I want to freeze time and never let him grow one minute older. This is such a sweet age. We're starting to really see his personality and it absolutely melts my heart. I wish he could just stay exactly like this forever. But then there are a million things that I'm looking forward to...watching his first movie together, reading a book together before bed that he actually acknowledges rather than trying to slobber on the pages, introducing him to Harry Potter, taking him to Disney World...there's just so many things I can't wait to do. The fact that the days speed by faster than ever is slightly less depressing when I think about all of the amazing things he will experience in the coming years.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubba, Bubs...we're narrowing it down to a theme here.

Really excited about these monthly pictures now.

Stats: I don't have official numbers this month, but he came in at 15 lbs 3 oz and 25.5 inches long at home…so a little less than a pound and about a half inch of growth in a month. Nothing earth shattering here. Still hanging out around the 5th percentile. He is still in size 2 when he wears disposable diapers and he's still in size 3-6 month clothes. I expect we'll be here for a while.

I'd really like to eat that phone!

Eating: Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd lost weight the way he's been eating. He's been teething since Labor Day. He now officially has two teeth, but man, getting those suckers out was basically a food strike. He was NOT interested in the bottle.

Don't worry about me, mom! Look at my rolls.

We finally started solids. We're trying to go with the baby led weaning approach, but I currently feel like a mega failure in terms of solids. My pediatrician about lost her mind when I said I hadn't started solids at his 6 month appointment...she thought we were very behind. While I know BLW takes a different stance on timing, I am worried that he's behind. I know he would do better and improve faster if he had more practice, but currently we're doing really good to get one meal a day in with solids. I have about an hour, maybe an hour and a half if he naps poorly with him awake in the evenings during the week. Somehow I'm supposed to do physical therapy, eat dinner as a family, give him a bath, read a book, and give him a bottle all within that period of time...it doesn't give a lot of time for him to just play with his food. But he'll get there. I'm going to ask daycare if they can start doing a feeding at school. Thus far he's had banana and avocado in terms of BLW. He definitely prefers avocado (little weirdo). Oddly, he's much better at feeding himself with a spoon right now than finger foods. I load the spoon and hand it to him. He gets it to his mouth right side up more than 75% of the time. So far he's tried oatmeal, sweet potatoes, and apples. We're going to try cucumbers and sweet potato sticks next.

Doubling up on those spoons!

Sleeping: Garrison continues to nap terribly to the point I wonder if it's even worth sticking to the schedule and fighting for naps. Some days, I'm so desperate for him to nap that I just hold him the entire time. This is the only way we come close to 45 minutes or longer. Otherwise it's typically 15-30 before he pops his head up like a little gopher. I can't complain too much though because Garrison continues to sleep well at night. There's typically a night or two each week where he wakes up between 4 and 6 o'clock in the morning...those days are obviously not my favorite. All in all though, I'm so thankful for a baby that sleeps through the night.

A brief visit to daycare during lunch. We decided to practice sitting. 

Likes: Garrison still enjoys bath time, so I think we'll need to find some bath toys soon. He gets super frustrated that I won't let him sit up in the bath, but my little guy continues to be a terrible sitter and the bath does NOT feel like the place to practice.

Give me a kiss ma'! Ooo, and give me some of your HAIR!

All in all, Garrison likes things that he can put in his mouth (mom's hair, cat hair off the floor, spoons, really anything is fair game) and toys that make noise. If it lights up AND makes noise, his little mind is blown and he can't stop smiling...for approximately five minutes until he wonders where his mom is and why she's not sitting RIGHT beside him.

Exhausted and full after his first tailgate.

Dislikes: I think Garrison mostly doesn't like to be tired...that's really when I feel like he's most cranky. Which to that I say, "take a FREAKING nap!" This kid just doesn't know how good he's got it. Imagine getting time painstakingly carved out of your day for you so that you can nap not once, not twice, not THREE times. At no other time in your life does someone so carefully help and encourage napping. He's going to regret skipping all of these naps one day.

Garrison at his first Georgia game.
He was a teeny bit more excited than pictured.

Looking forward to: It's almost October, my very favorite month of the year. We have a LOT to pack into this month. I have plans for a mini session of family photos, taking Garrison to a corn maze, getting his picture taken in front of a million pumpkins (because obviously), dressing him up in his ADORABLE Halloween costume, and celebrating our birthdays. It should be a really great month.

I continue to be simply amazed that this little love is mine forever and ever and ever. The pain and sadness are beginning to pale in the presence of such radiating happiness. He is the best thing about my day and I know that we are so fortunate to call this beautiful boy our son! Seven of the absolute best months!

Working Mom and Daycare

I've been back to work now for four months. Garrison has completed eighteen weeks at daycare. I think that's long enough to have valid thoughts and opinions on being a working mom with a baby in daycare, so I thought I'd share. This is in NO WAY an argument for staying home or going back to work. That's a personal decision for each mom to make and there are so many factors at play in every situation. Instead, I share this for those who might dread returning to work, but feel that they must.

For the last decade or more, I imagined myself as a stay at home mom. Which totally makes sense...I was going to knock out five kids before I was 29. I wasn't going to have time for work, let alone a career. Even in college, I consciously chose a degree that I felt would allow me to work from home. The reality is that we simply don't have the money for me to quit, especially if we want more children. I don't make a ton of money, but we're also not at that place where the cost of childcare outweighs my bring home salary either. Until we reach that place, or we pay off student loans, I'll likely be working. 

There are a lot of things that are really hard about being a working mom (not that there aren't hard things about staying at home), but surprisingly I've found some things to be really thankful for too. The negative aspects of working are difficult to come to terms with. Obviously I waited a really long time to be a mom. It sucks to leave him in someone else's care all day. It's especially hard when I think about the fact that the daycare teachers get 90% of his awake hours. Garrison sleeps until 7:30 in the morning. In the afternoon he comes home and promptly takes a forty-five minute nap from sheer exhaustion. The plan is that he'd stay up until 8:00 pm, but currently we're lucky if he makes it until 7:30 pm. It's just not a lot of time with him.

It reaaalllly sucks when I think about milestones. Miraculously, Garrison rolled over for the first time over the Fourth of July weekend, so Sam and I both got to witness it. I'm not sure if I'd call it lucky, but his first tooth started to come through over this past weekend. While it wasn't exactly fun, I'm glad I was the first too see his little tooth and I'm thankful I was there to comfort him. However, the odds are that some milestones will occur at daycare. When I think about him taking his first steps there rather than towards me, I just want to cry. Or if his teachers hear his first words??? Missing out on the days with him and knowing I'll probably miss a few "firsts" are definitely really hard parts about working.

In addition, it's hard to deal with the differences between daycare and home. While we did not start with any type of schedule at birth, by about 8 weeks, I started introducing a schedule. I truly believe this was the number one thing to help with all of the fussiness. Garrison does SO well on the schedule. He's easier to feed and get to sleep when he's on his schedule. But when there are seven other babies in the room, it's hard to expect them to stick to the schedule exactly. And while Garrison will nap decently at home in the most perfect napping conditions, there is just too much stimulation at daycare. Thirty minute naps have become the norm. It's SO frustrating because I know that he can nap longer, and I know that if he got good naps in the day, he'd be more likely to stay up a little longer at night. But I also know that he's not a good napper…the conditions have to be just right and a lit room with music and crying babies is not optimal for napping. All the sleep training books talk about various things to help your baby, but they all work on the assumption that you are able to let baby nap in his/her crib and control lights, sounds ect. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I am simply not in control at daycare. They have his schedule and do what they can to keep it, but some days are just going to suck under those conditions. That's really hard when I just want a happy (and awake) baby in the limited hours I have with him.

The hard parts of working probably aren't that surprising. I didn't expect the good parts though. For one thing, I really believe Garrison is hitting his milestones when he is because of daycare. If I was home with him, I would feel so much pressure to keep the house up, fold the clothes, do the dishes, etc. There would be stretches of time where I'd leave him to play by himself out of a sense of duty to my home and husband. While there are certainly times when he is playing by himself at daycare, those times feel more engaging. There are SO many things to look at and play with, and his teachers are constantly talking to the babies. It just feels very developmentally friendly to me.

The other positive that I see about daycare is social experiences. Garrison is constantly around other babies and other adults. As someone who was incredibly shy and hated any type of group experience as a kid, I'm hopeful that these early experiences during his formative years will help him learn to make friends. While I am PRO introverts (woo hoo, introverts unite...via text message, over a cup of coffee in the privacy of our own homes), I also really hope that he'll be comfortable in social situations whether he is introverted or extroverted, and I think a lot of that comfort just comes from socialization at a young age.

And lastly, immune system. Man, I would have SWORN that sending my formula-fed preemie into daycare was going to mean ongoing sickness. I was told to expect about one illness a month. I desperately clung to my days off from work, terrified that he'd constantly be sick. Within the first four days of starting daycare, Garrison got sick. Projectile vomiting. Explosive diarrhea. The whole deal. Sam and I could just see the writing on the wall. Believe it or not, that was the last time Garrison has been sick. May 7 was the last pediatric appointment for something other than his monthly checkups. We are shocked, but so, so thankful that his immune system is getting stronger. Once upon a time we had to do a three-minute scrub just to enter the same room as Garrison, and now he shares toys and equipment with seven other babies...I'm pretty sure they share a few germs too.

Lastly,  I am surprised to find that work to be a positive experience for me. My nature would be to stay home if I was a stay at home mom...as in all the time. It would be very unusual for me to venture out for more than errands. I wouldn't sign up for clubs or groups and set up play dates with other moms. I also wouldn't enroll my son in music class for toddlers of baby gymnastics as those things all cost money and I'd feel a strong desire to save every penny if I was staying at home. Knowing myself, it would be hard for me to be anything but a hermit if I stayed home with Garrison. And yet, I would crave some adult interaction. Working provides that for me...a reason to get dressed in something other than pajama pants and my husband's t-shirt, a reason to put on makeup and do my hair, an opportunity to get out of the house guilt free, and an opportunity to engage in conversation with someone who isn't six months old. Working is good for me. While I certainly miss my baby, I feel like I'm a healthier and happier mom for going back to work.

I truly enjoy my job, which I'm sure helps, but I'm honestly surprised that overall, I'm happy with out current arrangement. I do think that as the years go on, I will likely want to find some other arrangement. My mom quit her job after my seventh grade year and was available to pick me up from school or meet me at the bus stop for those years and it was SO important to me. It was a huge sacrifice on her part, but one that truly changed my life. I would really like to be able to take Garrison into school and pick him up each day once he starts school rather than enroll him in some form of after school program. Working part time seems like an ideal situation for me...all of the benefits and very few of the negative aspects of being a working mom. For now, we're comfortable and happy with our situation, but a girl can dream.

Six of One, Half a Dozen Another

This one is hard you guys. There's something about six months that feels more important, even epic. I guess it's the half of a year thing. I had a friend growing up who LOVED her half birthday. I don't really remember thinking of myself as 14 and a half, but gosh, she sure loved April 8. I still think about her every year on her half birthday. Tuesday was Garrison's half birthday and I felt like I could just lay in bed all day long and cry and hold him, except he's 6 months old and he doesn't want to lay in bed all day with his mama, which of course made me want to cry more. But whatever, six months has arrived. Let's face the music.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Goobsie, Little Butt, Bubba, Fussy Butt.

Heyyyyy mom.

Stats: 14 lbs 6 oz and 25 inches long…he basically grew exactly 1 inch and gained 1 pound in a month. I had a momentary panic attack as this growth rate is less than half of what it was a month ago, but I guess this is pretty typical??? Once I actually plotted the numbers on the chart I saw that he's between the 2nd and 5th percentile lines for both height and weight…basically where he was last month too. So while it wasn't a large growth month, he's not falling off the chart. Counting our blessings. He moved into size 2 disposable diapers last weekend and he's still in size 3-6 month clothes.

Eating: I thought I was going to write the exact same dadgum thing as last month and the month before, but I think he's hit a bit a of a growth spurt, or at least he seems a bit hungrier. He's eating 5 oz for most of his bottles. I know, I know...epic news. Up from 4.5 oz. He really keeps me on my toes.

We haven't started solids yet. My plan was to start at six months, but everything I read says that to start solids they really need to be able to sit up. This is super important with baby led weaning which is our goal. He sits TERRIBLY in my lap. He either slouches forward and drops his head, or he digs his heels in until he propels himself into a semi standing position. He does a bit better in the high chair, but sill won't really hold his head up unless something with flashing lights and sounds attracts him. I'm going to talk to the pediatrician about it at his appointment and see if she thinks it's safe to start.

Sleeping: There was a terrible week right after 5 months where I swore I broke him. He started waking up every night at 2 or 3 am, but he wasn't hungry. I was terrified that I had ruined all of the hard work we'd put it in to get him to sleep through the night. And then suddenly, he just stopped waking up again. I have no idea what that was about, but I've come to understand that middle of the night awakenings will probably happen periodically. This doesn't mean that he forgot how to sleep and he'll likely snap back into the groove again soon. Thankfully, he's still a great night time sleeper. He's a TERRIBLE napper. As in, daycare recorded an all new low. He actually had a documented FIVE MINUTE nap. Yeah. Terrible napper. I've recently changed his schedule in an effort to consolidate the naps (from four to three). I'm praying this helps, but ultimately, I can't complain. As long as mama gets to sleep at night, all is right with the world.

Sometimes we cheat and let him sleep on his mama,
just so we can get through one sleep cycle.

Likes: Garrison still loves bath time. He enjoys splashing and he loves when I drip water on him. I've just started letting him play with a few toys in the bath…it's not much different from outside of the bath. All toys go straight to the mouth.

Garrison has a new toy that he LOVES. While it makes me want to bash my head in ("beep, beep…puppy wants to go for a ri-ide." ughhhhh) it's actually proving to be a pretty great toy. It's super engaging and the best part is that he's intrigued enough to hold his stinking head up.

Beep, beep!

Garrison still loves his exersaucer, but I rarely let him get in it. His toes still don't touch on the lowest setting, so we're trying to follow the PT's rules. Every now and then I let him play for 10 minutes though and he LOVES it. 

His favorite spinning toy.

Dislikes: Speaking of PT, I think that would be Garrison's most hated thing at the moment. Or at least he hates being forced to exercise. Bless it. Me too, buddy. We started out seeing a PT and OT for assessments…just to make sure he was staying on track developmentally. As he's a preemie, everyone expects him to be a bit behind, but it's important that he eventually catch up, so these appointments help his pediatrician gauge how he's doing. However, at his three month PT appointment, the physical therapist wanted to see him in a month to reevaluate. Then at his four month appointment she still felt a follow-up appointment was important. Then at his five month, it all hit the fan and she decided he needs weekly appointments. Plus the occupational therapist got pulled into things and we now see her every two weeks. So weekly PT appointments plus OT appointments every other week plus all the exercises that we're supposed to do multiple times a day…it's a lot. I'm trying not to stress. It's hard though. I get precious few minutes with Garrison where we're not supposed to be doing something…eating, changing diapers, napping, bathing, bed time routine. It all eats up the few daytime hours I have with him, so I hate to spend the minutes I do have making him exercise, especially when he's mad and screaming about it. Ultimately, I know it's for the best though, and I'm pretty excited for the prospect that he'll eventually stop being so dang lazy and hold his head up. Mama's got big plans.

So. Much. Tummy. Time.

Looking forward to: You guys, it's almost fall. Around here that means FOOTBALL. Garrison isn't allowed to watch TV, so this should be an interesting football season. I'm pretty pumped to dress him in cute Georgia clothes though. I'm also super excited about picture day at his daycare, the potential to go to a fall festival/corn maze/pumpkin patch because what else do you do in the fall with your little family?!?! Also, halloween!!! Halloween is my least favorite holiday times a million, BUT if I get to dress my baby up in some adorable outfit, I'm allllll over it. And don't even get me started about Christmas. I'm so excited I could die. I've spent the last three nights trying to pick out Garrison's stocking and I'm having major commitment issues, but regardless, I'm picking out a stocking for my SON! It's a giant dream come true, if a silly, simple one. I'm truly living the dream…so much to look forward to!

One decent shot out of 50…
these are getting more and more interesting.

It's both amazing and terrifying that six months have already passed. When I think about the likelihood that the next six months will pass equally as fast I want to cry. And hide under the covers. And quit my job. And freeze time. But I'm trying to trust that it continues to get better and better. We're so, so blessed to have Garrison in our lives. The Lord is redeeming our story one day with this little love at a time. Happy six months, baby boy. Mama loves you!

Be still my heart.

Another Child

It honestly feels weird to think about another child at this moment. Both because I am borderline overwhelmed with parenting the one and also because I am content. But I know I probably won't always be content. That's not a reflection on Garrison; I always wanted a big family. The itch for another child will return. I'm not sure when that typically happens. When do normal, fertile couples begin to think about trying again? Surely not at 5 months. But here's the thing. It took us almost four years to get Garrison. If we don't want Garrison to be starting kindergarten before a sibling arrives, it feels like we need to get started.

While in Jacksonville finalizing our adoption of Garrison, we stopped in at FIRM, the clinic where we did IVF. We have four (maybe three) embryos frozen there. We have decided that before we pursue any other family building opportunities, we will complete our frozen embryo transfers. In a lot of ways, these embryos feel like a weight. And that's totally not fair; I know. They are our children, long awaited for, fought for, prayed for, but it appears that it is very unlikely that we will ever meet them. The doctor confirmed that it is unlikely we will see a bring home baby out of this IVF cycle. And yet, we feel that we must give them a chance. 

When we completed our IVF cycle in January 2014, we paid to keep our embryos frozen for two years. At the time, it seemed like we would not need the full two years. We knew our embryos were lower grades and we figured that even if we got lucky, we'd try for a sibling within two years. But then the first transfer failed. And then the second. And then an entire year passed by. January 2016 will be here quickly. I know that as the months with Garrison just fly by. I feel as if I'm constantly sticking a round sticker on his onesie and exclaiming "another month went by so fast!" We have a few months to decide what to do, but the decision is (as always) complicated. 

We met with a different doctor for our consult as my doctor was out of the office and we were only in town the one day. This doctor was more of a straight shooter. He agreed that in light of our past transfers and the quality of our frozen embryos, the odds of success with any of our remaining embryos is low. He didn't really bat an eye at our request to transfer all four...that's always a really bad sign. He agreed that the Endometrial Function Test would be a good next step just to rule out any implantation issues. If something came up, he said we'd correct it and then his recommendation would be to transfer two. He agreed that our issue is very likely embryo quality (with a root cause in egg quality) but that if he had proof that there was a problem with my lining, he would be unable to say with certainty that our previous cycles failed because of embryo quality and transferring four would be riskier. However, his bet is that all is normal with my uterus and lining. That's my bet too, but I've never been one to turn down answers. 

And I guess this is where my ideas on family building and next steps are changing. I'm just not sure how much more money I'm willing to throw at my body. There are other ways to build a family, ways that I'm really open to and even excited about. I do believe that given all the money in the world there is likely a doctor out there with enough expertise to help me get pregnant with my own eggs and Sam's sperm. But we don't have all the money in the world, and if I'm being honest, there are other things I'd rather do with money (like pay off student loan debt) than throw darts at $30,000 a toss at a moving dart board with a shrinking bullseye. 

The doctor did mention and agree that this test for my lining (at $1,500) would be valuable information for later transfers, whether that's our embryos or donor embryos. And while IVF may be less and less glamorous to me, embryo adoption still holds a lot of appeal. So we have to decide if we want to do this test. It needs to be completed about 2 cycles before our transfer. We also have to decide if we want to attempt to transfer these embryos before the middle of January (when our payment runs out and we'd need to pay $500). To do the transfer without the test would cost approximately $2,500 including travel and medication. Adding in the test would bump that to about $4,000. That's a TON of money to come up with in 6 months, especially while paying for daycare at the cost of $10,000 a year. Which ultimately brings up the biggest  question: are we ready (and can we afford) another kid? Yes, the cycle is VERY unlikely to succeed, but I can't help feeling negligent if we don't calculate our ability to provide for another child if the cycle were to succeed. 

I have a feeling the answer is no. In fact, I know the answer is no. Daycare alone is almost $1,000 a month, and we don't have $1,000 margin in our budget each month. Will we ever? Absolutely. But in January, no probably not. The wisest thing to do would be to table the "another child" conversation and work diligently to pay off our student loans, start college funds, save for retirement, etc. But fear and doubt always wiggle back in from the depths of my mind when I think about postponing a second child. The doctor so kindly pointed out that "his recommendations would be different if we were having this conversation and I was still young." Gee, thanks. It's interesting that at 28 I was "so young and healthy" but at 29 I'm "no longer young." The clock is admittedly ticking (probably far faster for me as my egg quality already sucks) if we want to try IVF with my own eggs again. But even outside of IVF, I feel the clock ticking. Family building outside of the sheets takes time...lots and lots and lots of time. So do we table it, relishing in our current joy, and continuing to pay to have low quality embryos frozen? Or do we recognize (and maybe even embrace) our circumstances and the ways our family is likely to be built and begin the journey anew with the start of the new year by jumping with both feet back into the TTC game?

I have no answers. Time will tell. 

...................................................

Guys, can you go over to my sweet, sweet friend's blog and give her some love? She just miscarried again and is having a really rough time. My heart is absolutely broken for her. I know she'd appreciate some love and support during these hard days. She was ready (like really ready) to start her long-awaited cycle at CCRM only to discover she was pregnant...surprise. But now it's over and it's so hard to answer the big questions when what appears to be the greatest blessing ends in more despair.

High Five

It's AMAZING how much can change in the life of a baby in just one month. One week really. In a minute a baby can go from being unable to do something, to mastering that same something. It's just so amazing to watch. Another month has come and gone, and my little guy hit FIVE months on Saturday. Can you believe that? Me neither.

Garrison at 5 months… already too cool for pictures with mom

Name: Garrison Carter GREAVU- emphasis on the Greavu. The day before Garrison turned five months, we finalized the adoption and received the court order granting him his new name! (if you missed it, catch up here)

Our only photo from finalization. My hair was cute and straight and then
I stepped out of the hotel and into 336,518% humidity. Why Florida, why?
Garrison slept through the whole thing, so this is as good as it gets…
he was actually exceptionally adorable.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Goobsie, Little Butt, Bubba, Fussy Butt. His dad calls him Chunky Butt and Chunk-a-lunk too. 

One of our favorite onesies…Gryffindorable.
Obviously, he's in the Gryffindor house.

Stats: 13 lbs 6 oz and 24 inches long. You guys, he GREW! When I heard the nurse say 24 inches I almost died. He went from half an inch in a month to an inch and a half in a month! Yay growth spurt! He's about the 2nd percentile for height and 5th percentile for weight, so still extra petite, but we're going in the right direction, rocking our own little curve. We just switched out his clothes last weekend, so he's in 3-6 month now. Still size one disposable diapers.

Heeeeyyyy mom

Eating: This is starting to feel redundant. He still eats every three hours, and he still eats about 4-4.5 ounces at every feeding. Some days he'll eat well, and some days he won't. He's eaten 5 oz like two or three times ever, but for the most part we feel good to get 4.5 in him. 

Mom, just be thankful we're not on the tight snaps.

Sleeping: Talk about changes! Hallelujah! So last month we finally got the crib. We put him in it, and he lost his ever loving mind! Absolute hysteria. He got himself so worked up, that he flipped himself over. This of course happened while Sam was on night duty. I woke up to check the monitor only to see him swaddled, FACE DOWN, in the crib. Heart attack. I knew he wasn't dead because he was moving, but ughh just so scary. We had to lose the swaddle and fast. This was the first time he had rolled from back to stomach, but he wasn't rolling from stomach to back yet, and the swaddle would only make it that much more unlikely he'd get back over if he flipped again. Sam and I took turns sleeping in the nursery that week to make sure it didn't happen again. We were swaddling with one arm out in the halo. They were rough nights. We were exhausted. And then, suddenly he slept through the night on night five. Night six and seven were bad again, but night 8 started a string of good nights. We were letting him fuss for ten minutes before going to check on him (longest 10 minutes EVER) and slowly, we just stopped needing to get up. If he woke up, he put himself back to sleep within a couple of minutes. Now, he rarely even cries at all. High five, little man! We put him down at 7:45, do a dream feed at 9:30, and he typically sleeps until 6:30 without a peep. Getting to 7:00 can sometimes be hard, but overall it's SO much better. 

He sleeps on his tummy, which I hate. I swore he'd sleep on his back until at least 6 months. The problem is that at 4 months and 8 days, he mastered rolling. He went from never rolling (except the one terrifying nighttime fluke) to rolling stomach to back and back to stomach in one day. After that, he rolled over every single night. I worried for a while, but thank God for video monitors. I can't see him breathe, but I can see that he's moved. Garrison is a wiggle worm. He fully utilizes all of the space in his crib. 

Garrison's migration around the crib each night.

Likes: Garrison LOVES bath time, but sadly he's more interested in bathing in the big boy bathtub (i.e. the infant bathtub, without a sling) now then snuggling with his mom in the tub. Kind of breaks this mama's heart because bath time was our only skin to skin time…we didn't get to do skin to skin in the hospital and he pretty much always hated it when we tried it. Except in the bath. I knew we would eventually lose this, but I wasn't quite ready. I still try it once a week or so, but he's much happier, smilier, gigglier when he gets to kick and squeal rather than snuggle with me.

Garrison LOVES rolling over. The only problem is that he rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls… he now rolls off the mat in about two seconds. He regularly rolls so many times that he spews, even if it's been over an hour since he ate. It's really fun. It's also kind of problematic because he now spends zero time on his tummy. He just rolls. We see a physical therapist for quarterly checkups. She has given us some exercises because Garrison is a little behind on head control and a little weak in his back muscles. Sometimes he looks like he has great head control, but most of the time, he drops his head and his chin rests on his chest. I was hoping these exercises would help, but I'm not seeing a huge improvement. I'm foreseeing some real PT appointments in our future soon. All because little over achiever wanted to roll before he learned to hold his head up.

I wanted to get the little man a gift when we finalized the adoption. Sam wouldn't let me haul it all the way to Florida, but we set it up when we got home. We got our physical therapist to sign off on an exercauser as long as he doesn't spend more than 30 minutes a day in it. Unfortunately the other rule is that he has to be able to stand flat footed… he's a good two inches from his tip toes touching. But I let him play in it for about five minutes because what good is a present that you can't enjoy?!? He LOVED it! I can't wait for him to get a little taller so he can enjoy his toy.

Mom, this is SO fun. I want to stay!

Dislikes: Garrison really dislikes the sun. He HATES when the sun comes through the back window of our Camry…mega scream. He also HATES red lights. Traveling in the car for longer than 15 minutes is definitely not his favorite, but when we stop? Oh.My.Gosh. SUPER serious drama. So you can imagine how our return from Jacksonville went. A car ride far outside of his 15 minute max, with bright sun, and lots of red lights. My ears are still bleeding.

Overall though, Garrison continues to become less fussy. He's definitely particular, and he lets you know if he feels unhappy about it. The fun thing is that he also lets you know if he really likes something too. The dislikes are easier to take when matched with BIG likes.

Looking forward to: Can life get any better than this? Seriously, I'm so freaking happy right now, it's disgusting. Who is this person!?!? He is everything I ever wanted and more and my heart just might explode from all the joy he brings. 

The more of these we string together, the more my heart just aches.
You don't notice the changes day by day, but five months worth?!?!

These last five months have been some of the happiest days of my life. They are hard; there's no doubt about that. And busy, oh my gosh, so busy. But I'm just so thankful. Garrison is the light of my life and the greatest gift. Every day is better with him in it.