Six of One, Half a Dozen Another

This one is hard you guys. There's something about six months that feels more important, even epic. I guess it's the half of a year thing. I had a friend growing up who LOVED her half birthday. I don't really remember thinking of myself as 14 and a half, but gosh, she sure loved April 8. I still think about her every year on her half birthday. Tuesday was Garrison's half birthday and I felt like I could just lay in bed all day long and cry and hold him, except he's 6 months old and he doesn't want to lay in bed all day with his mama, which of course made me want to cry more. But whatever, six months has arrived. Let's face the music.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Goobsie, Little Butt, Bubba, Fussy Butt.

Heyyyyy mom.

Stats: 14 lbs 6 oz and 25 inches long…he basically grew exactly 1 inch and gained 1 pound in a month. I had a momentary panic attack as this growth rate is less than half of what it was a month ago, but I guess this is pretty typical??? Once I actually plotted the numbers on the chart I saw that he's between the 2nd and 5th percentile lines for both height and weight…basically where he was last month too. So while it wasn't a large growth month, he's not falling off the chart. Counting our blessings. He moved into size 2 disposable diapers last weekend and he's still in size 3-6 month clothes.

Eating: I thought I was going to write the exact same dadgum thing as last month and the month before, but I think he's hit a bit a of a growth spurt, or at least he seems a bit hungrier. He's eating 5 oz for most of his bottles. I know, I know...epic news. Up from 4.5 oz. He really keeps me on my toes.

We haven't started solids yet. My plan was to start at six months, but everything I read says that to start solids they really need to be able to sit up. This is super important with baby led weaning which is our goal. He sits TERRIBLY in my lap. He either slouches forward and drops his head, or he digs his heels in until he propels himself into a semi standing position. He does a bit better in the high chair, but sill won't really hold his head up unless something with flashing lights and sounds attracts him. I'm going to talk to the pediatrician about it at his appointment and see if she thinks it's safe to start.

Sleeping: There was a terrible week right after 5 months where I swore I broke him. He started waking up every night at 2 or 3 am, but he wasn't hungry. I was terrified that I had ruined all of the hard work we'd put it in to get him to sleep through the night. And then suddenly, he just stopped waking up again. I have no idea what that was about, but I've come to understand that middle of the night awakenings will probably happen periodically. This doesn't mean that he forgot how to sleep and he'll likely snap back into the groove again soon. Thankfully, he's still a great night time sleeper. He's a TERRIBLE napper. As in, daycare recorded an all new low. He actually had a documented FIVE MINUTE nap. Yeah. Terrible napper. I've recently changed his schedule in an effort to consolidate the naps (from four to three). I'm praying this helps, but ultimately, I can't complain. As long as mama gets to sleep at night, all is right with the world.

Sometimes we cheat and let him sleep on his mama,
just so we can get through one sleep cycle.

Likes: Garrison still loves bath time. He enjoys splashing and he loves when I drip water on him. I've just started letting him play with a few toys in the bath…it's not much different from outside of the bath. All toys go straight to the mouth.

Garrison has a new toy that he LOVES. While it makes me want to bash my head in ("beep, beep…puppy wants to go for a ri-ide." ughhhhh) it's actually proving to be a pretty great toy. It's super engaging and the best part is that he's intrigued enough to hold his stinking head up.

Beep, beep!

Garrison still loves his exersaucer, but I rarely let him get in it. His toes still don't touch on the lowest setting, so we're trying to follow the PT's rules. Every now and then I let him play for 10 minutes though and he LOVES it. 

His favorite spinning toy.

Dislikes: Speaking of PT, I think that would be Garrison's most hated thing at the moment. Or at least he hates being forced to exercise. Bless it. Me too, buddy. We started out seeing a PT and OT for assessments…just to make sure he was staying on track developmentally. As he's a preemie, everyone expects him to be a bit behind, but it's important that he eventually catch up, so these appointments help his pediatrician gauge how he's doing. However, at his three month PT appointment, the physical therapist wanted to see him in a month to reevaluate. Then at his four month appointment she still felt a follow-up appointment was important. Then at his five month, it all hit the fan and she decided he needs weekly appointments. Plus the occupational therapist got pulled into things and we now see her every two weeks. So weekly PT appointments plus OT appointments every other week plus all the exercises that we're supposed to do multiple times a day…it's a lot. I'm trying not to stress. It's hard though. I get precious few minutes with Garrison where we're not supposed to be doing something…eating, changing diapers, napping, bathing, bed time routine. It all eats up the few daytime hours I have with him, so I hate to spend the minutes I do have making him exercise, especially when he's mad and screaming about it. Ultimately, I know it's for the best though, and I'm pretty excited for the prospect that he'll eventually stop being so dang lazy and hold his head up. Mama's got big plans.

So. Much. Tummy. Time.

Looking forward to: You guys, it's almost fall. Around here that means FOOTBALL. Garrison isn't allowed to watch TV, so this should be an interesting football season. I'm pretty pumped to dress him in cute Georgia clothes though. I'm also super excited about picture day at his daycare, the potential to go to a fall festival/corn maze/pumpkin patch because what else do you do in the fall with your little family?!?! Also, halloween!!! Halloween is my least favorite holiday times a million, BUT if I get to dress my baby up in some adorable outfit, I'm allllll over it. And don't even get me started about Christmas. I'm so excited I could die. I've spent the last three nights trying to pick out Garrison's stocking and I'm having major commitment issues, but regardless, I'm picking out a stocking for my SON! It's a giant dream come true, if a silly, simple one. I'm truly living the dream…so much to look forward to!

One decent shot out of 50…
these are getting more and more interesting.

It's both amazing and terrifying that six months have already passed. When I think about the likelihood that the next six months will pass equally as fast I want to cry. And hide under the covers. And quit my job. And freeze time. But I'm trying to trust that it continues to get better and better. We're so, so blessed to have Garrison in our lives. The Lord is redeeming our story one day with this little love at a time. Happy six months, baby boy. Mama loves you!

Be still my heart.

Another Child

It honestly feels weird to think about another child at this moment. Both because I am borderline overwhelmed with parenting the one and also because I am content. But I know I probably won't always be content. That's not a reflection on Garrison; I always wanted a big family. The itch for another child will return. I'm not sure when that typically happens. When do normal, fertile couples begin to think about trying again? Surely not at 5 months. But here's the thing. It took us almost four years to get Garrison. If we don't want Garrison to be starting kindergarten before a sibling arrives, it feels like we need to get started.

While in Jacksonville finalizing our adoption of Garrison, we stopped in at FIRM, the clinic where we did IVF. We have four (maybe three) embryos frozen there. We have decided that before we pursue any other family building opportunities, we will complete our frozen embryo transfers. In a lot of ways, these embryos feel like a weight. And that's totally not fair; I know. They are our children, long awaited for, fought for, prayed for, but it appears that it is very unlikely that we will ever meet them. The doctor confirmed that it is unlikely we will see a bring home baby out of this IVF cycle. And yet, we feel that we must give them a chance. 

When we completed our IVF cycle in January 2014, we paid to keep our embryos frozen for two years. At the time, it seemed like we would not need the full two years. We knew our embryos were lower grades and we figured that even if we got lucky, we'd try for a sibling within two years. But then the first transfer failed. And then the second. And then an entire year passed by. January 2016 will be here quickly. I know that as the months with Garrison just fly by. I feel as if I'm constantly sticking a round sticker on his onesie and exclaiming "another month went by so fast!" We have a few months to decide what to do, but the decision is (as always) complicated. 

We met with a different doctor for our consult as my doctor was out of the office and we were only in town the one day. This doctor was more of a straight shooter. He agreed that in light of our past transfers and the quality of our frozen embryos, the odds of success with any of our remaining embryos is low. He didn't really bat an eye at our request to transfer all four...that's always a really bad sign. He agreed that the Endometrial Function Test would be a good next step just to rule out any implantation issues. If something came up, he said we'd correct it and then his recommendation would be to transfer two. He agreed that our issue is very likely embryo quality (with a root cause in egg quality) but that if he had proof that there was a problem with my lining, he would be unable to say with certainty that our previous cycles failed because of embryo quality and transferring four would be riskier. However, his bet is that all is normal with my uterus and lining. That's my bet too, but I've never been one to turn down answers. 

And I guess this is where my ideas on family building and next steps are changing. I'm just not sure how much more money I'm willing to throw at my body. There are other ways to build a family, ways that I'm really open to and even excited about. I do believe that given all the money in the world there is likely a doctor out there with enough expertise to help me get pregnant with my own eggs and Sam's sperm. But we don't have all the money in the world, and if I'm being honest, there are other things I'd rather do with money (like pay off student loan debt) than throw darts at $30,000 a toss at a moving dart board with a shrinking bullseye. 

The doctor did mention and agree that this test for my lining (at $1,500) would be valuable information for later transfers, whether that's our embryos or donor embryos. And while IVF may be less and less glamorous to me, embryo adoption still holds a lot of appeal. So we have to decide if we want to do this test. It needs to be completed about 2 cycles before our transfer. We also have to decide if we want to attempt to transfer these embryos before the middle of January (when our payment runs out and we'd need to pay $500). To do the transfer without the test would cost approximately $2,500 including travel and medication. Adding in the test would bump that to about $4,000. That's a TON of money to come up with in 6 months, especially while paying for daycare at the cost of $10,000 a year. Which ultimately brings up the biggest  question: are we ready (and can we afford) another kid? Yes, the cycle is VERY unlikely to succeed, but I can't help feeling negligent if we don't calculate our ability to provide for another child if the cycle were to succeed. 

I have a feeling the answer is no. In fact, I know the answer is no. Daycare alone is almost $1,000 a month, and we don't have $1,000 margin in our budget each month. Will we ever? Absolutely. But in January, no probably not. The wisest thing to do would be to table the "another child" conversation and work diligently to pay off our student loans, start college funds, save for retirement, etc. But fear and doubt always wiggle back in from the depths of my mind when I think about postponing a second child. The doctor so kindly pointed out that "his recommendations would be different if we were having this conversation and I was still young." Gee, thanks. It's interesting that at 28 I was "so young and healthy" but at 29 I'm "no longer young." The clock is admittedly ticking (probably far faster for me as my egg quality already sucks) if we want to try IVF with my own eggs again. But even outside of IVF, I feel the clock ticking. Family building outside of the sheets takes time...lots and lots and lots of time. So do we table it, relishing in our current joy, and continuing to pay to have low quality embryos frozen? Or do we recognize (and maybe even embrace) our circumstances and the ways our family is likely to be built and begin the journey anew with the start of the new year by jumping with both feet back into the TTC game?

I have no answers. Time will tell. 

...................................................

Guys, can you go over to my sweet, sweet friend's blog and give her some love? She just miscarried again and is having a really rough time. My heart is absolutely broken for her. I know she'd appreciate some love and support during these hard days. She was ready (like really ready) to start her long-awaited cycle at CCRM only to discover she was pregnant...surprise. But now it's over and it's so hard to answer the big questions when what appears to be the greatest blessing ends in more despair.

High Five

It's AMAZING how much can change in the life of a baby in just one month. One week really. In a minute a baby can go from being unable to do something, to mastering that same something. It's just so amazing to watch. Another month has come and gone, and my little guy hit FIVE months on Saturday. Can you believe that? Me neither.

Garrison at 5 months… already too cool for pictures with mom

Name: Garrison Carter GREAVU- emphasis on the Greavu. The day before Garrison turned five months, we finalized the adoption and received the court order granting him his new name! (if you missed it, catch up here)

Our only photo from finalization. My hair was cute and straight and then
I stepped out of the hotel and into 336,518% humidity. Why Florida, why?
Garrison slept through the whole thing, so this is as good as it gets…
he was actually exceptionally adorable.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Goobsie, Little Butt, Bubba, Fussy Butt. His dad calls him Chunky Butt and Chunk-a-lunk too. 

One of our favorite onesies…Gryffindorable.
Obviously, he's in the Gryffindor house.

Stats: 13 lbs 6 oz and 24 inches long. You guys, he GREW! When I heard the nurse say 24 inches I almost died. He went from half an inch in a month to an inch and a half in a month! Yay growth spurt! He's about the 2nd percentile for height and 5th percentile for weight, so still extra petite, but we're going in the right direction, rocking our own little curve. We just switched out his clothes last weekend, so he's in 3-6 month now. Still size one disposable diapers.

Heeeeyyyy mom

Eating: This is starting to feel redundant. He still eats every three hours, and he still eats about 4-4.5 ounces at every feeding. Some days he'll eat well, and some days he won't. He's eaten 5 oz like two or three times ever, but for the most part we feel good to get 4.5 in him. 

Mom, just be thankful we're not on the tight snaps.

Sleeping: Talk about changes! Hallelujah! So last month we finally got the crib. We put him in it, and he lost his ever loving mind! Absolute hysteria. He got himself so worked up, that he flipped himself over. This of course happened while Sam was on night duty. I woke up to check the monitor only to see him swaddled, FACE DOWN, in the crib. Heart attack. I knew he wasn't dead because he was moving, but ughh just so scary. We had to lose the swaddle and fast. This was the first time he had rolled from back to stomach, but he wasn't rolling from stomach to back yet, and the swaddle would only make it that much more unlikely he'd get back over if he flipped again. Sam and I took turns sleeping in the nursery that week to make sure it didn't happen again. We were swaddling with one arm out in the halo. They were rough nights. We were exhausted. And then, suddenly he slept through the night on night five. Night six and seven were bad again, but night 8 started a string of good nights. We were letting him fuss for ten minutes before going to check on him (longest 10 minutes EVER) and slowly, we just stopped needing to get up. If he woke up, he put himself back to sleep within a couple of minutes. Now, he rarely even cries at all. High five, little man! We put him down at 7:45, do a dream feed at 9:30, and he typically sleeps until 6:30 without a peep. Getting to 7:00 can sometimes be hard, but overall it's SO much better. 

He sleeps on his tummy, which I hate. I swore he'd sleep on his back until at least 6 months. The problem is that at 4 months and 8 days, he mastered rolling. He went from never rolling (except the one terrifying nighttime fluke) to rolling stomach to back and back to stomach in one day. After that, he rolled over every single night. I worried for a while, but thank God for video monitors. I can't see him breathe, but I can see that he's moved. Garrison is a wiggle worm. He fully utilizes all of the space in his crib. 

Garrison's migration around the crib each night.

Likes: Garrison LOVES bath time, but sadly he's more interested in bathing in the big boy bathtub (i.e. the infant bathtub, without a sling) now then snuggling with his mom in the tub. Kind of breaks this mama's heart because bath time was our only skin to skin time…we didn't get to do skin to skin in the hospital and he pretty much always hated it when we tried it. Except in the bath. I knew we would eventually lose this, but I wasn't quite ready. I still try it once a week or so, but he's much happier, smilier, gigglier when he gets to kick and squeal rather than snuggle with me.

Garrison LOVES rolling over. The only problem is that he rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls… he now rolls off the mat in about two seconds. He regularly rolls so many times that he spews, even if it's been over an hour since he ate. It's really fun. It's also kind of problematic because he now spends zero time on his tummy. He just rolls. We see a physical therapist for quarterly checkups. She has given us some exercises because Garrison is a little behind on head control and a little weak in his back muscles. Sometimes he looks like he has great head control, but most of the time, he drops his head and his chin rests on his chest. I was hoping these exercises would help, but I'm not seeing a huge improvement. I'm foreseeing some real PT appointments in our future soon. All because little over achiever wanted to roll before he learned to hold his head up.

I wanted to get the little man a gift when we finalized the adoption. Sam wouldn't let me haul it all the way to Florida, but we set it up when we got home. We got our physical therapist to sign off on an exercauser as long as he doesn't spend more than 30 minutes a day in it. Unfortunately the other rule is that he has to be able to stand flat footed… he's a good two inches from his tip toes touching. But I let him play in it for about five minutes because what good is a present that you can't enjoy?!? He LOVED it! I can't wait for him to get a little taller so he can enjoy his toy.

Mom, this is SO fun. I want to stay!

Dislikes: Garrison really dislikes the sun. He HATES when the sun comes through the back window of our Camry…mega scream. He also HATES red lights. Traveling in the car for longer than 15 minutes is definitely not his favorite, but when we stop? Oh.My.Gosh. SUPER serious drama. So you can imagine how our return from Jacksonville went. A car ride far outside of his 15 minute max, with bright sun, and lots of red lights. My ears are still bleeding.

Overall though, Garrison continues to become less fussy. He's definitely particular, and he lets you know if he feels unhappy about it. The fun thing is that he also lets you know if he really likes something too. The dislikes are easier to take when matched with BIG likes.

Looking forward to: Can life get any better than this? Seriously, I'm so freaking happy right now, it's disgusting. Who is this person!?!? He is everything I ever wanted and more and my heart just might explode from all the joy he brings. 

The more of these we string together, the more my heart just aches.
You don't notice the changes day by day, but five months worth?!?!

These last five months have been some of the happiest days of my life. They are hard; there's no doubt about that. And busy, oh my gosh, so busy. But I'm just so thankful. Garrison is the light of my life and the greatest gift. Every day is better with him in it.

We're the Lucky Ones

It's over. The wait is over. I have a son. He's mine just as if I'd birthed him from my own body. In the eyes of the law, he has the same rights and privileges (whatever those may be) just the same as any future children of ours, be they biological or not. Our adoption is official and final as of today. He is my son. I am his mom. The finalization hearing took place this morning, and now the four year process to start our family, and the five month process to finalize our adoption our both complete. With one signature on a piece of paper, it was over. Hallelujah.

It was a shockingly brief hearing this morning. I knew it would be. Everyone said it was incredibly anticlimactic. Our lawyer sent us documentation that the room had been reserved for a whopping ten minutes. We only had to answer seven questions, six of which were answered with a "yes." It was over so quickly, I barely had a chance to be emotional. The judge was an older gentleman and obviously ready to be on with his day. As I was planning my answer to "why are you petitioning the courts to finalize your adoption?" and the tears were starting to form, he signed the document and said, "well let's get this finalized for you." I sucked my answer back in and just held my sleeping baby. Yes sir, just sign that piece of paper. That's all I need. And just like that, in the eyes of the law, we're a family. It's what we've known and felt in our hearts for months. I can't explain exactly why it mattered for it to be "official." It's not like a thought of myself as his guardian, but there's something about someone recognizing us as a legitimate family, just the same as any other that brings tears to my eyes. It is good to be a family (officially).

When I think about this little boy, tears swim in my eyes. I love him so much I can hardly breathe. He's changing me, shaping me, molding me into a different person. He's refining my heart. Infertility chiseled big ugly sections of my heart free; Garrison is polishing it. He's softening my heart, showing me a new kind of love, stretching my faith, bringing clarity to my understanding of the Father's love. I've only known this little boy for 138 days, but they have been life altering of epic proportions. My heart is changing because of my love for Garrison. My dreams for my family, my perspective on infertility, my purpose in life…he's changing it all.

I know the comments are coming regarding our adoption. People will say, "Garrison is so lucky to have you." And I know what they mean when they say that. Everyone means well. They think Sam and I can give or offer more (financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically) than Garrison's birth family. He's lucky to have us rather than what could have been... that's what people mean when they say these types of things. I'm sure I've said similar things in the past to others. I'm not here to comment on the circumstances surrounding Garrison's birth or placement into our family. That's his story to learn first and tell if he so chooses. But I am here to say this, it's not him, but us that are the lucky ones. Sam and I, we're the lucky ones.

I don't understand the way God works. Why infertility had to be a part of my very young family. Why Garrison's birth family had the difficulties and circumstances that they did. I can't explain why one couple gets pregnant and another doesn't…all of these are questions that I just don't have answers to. I can't explain why Sam and I lived through the years of pain that we did, nor why Garrison has already experienced the greatest loss. But I can tell you this, I can't imagine my life without him. He is without a doubt the greatest thing that has ever happened to us. I can also tell you this: it didn't have to end this way. We could still be waiting. Trying IVF. Hoping for a lucky cycle. Waiting for a match. Picking up the pieces from a failed adoption. Instead we're lying in bed with our sleeping son knowing that we are so fortunate to have him. And not just any son, but this son. Our son. So yes, Garrison is fortunate. Things could have gone differently. We're thankful his birth family loved him and chose life and a future for him. But I can guarantee that Garrison will change far more about Sam and I than we will ever change about him. It's not him, but us, Sam and I, that are the lucky ones.

Welcome to the family, Garrison Greavu, forever our firstborn. We're so thankful for you and can't imagine one day of life without you in it. We love you to the moon and back (and back again).

Fussy Butt

Sunday was rough. One of those days where my ears actually hurt and I craved silence (and a nice margarita). As I sat there debating what decibel range I was actually experiencing, it hit me: it's been a while since we've had one of those days. Praise the Lord.

You see, Garrison is what you might call a fussy baby. He comes by his nickname honestly. I typically describe him as "sensitive" because it sounds less like I'm complaining. Garrison was such a sweet little thing in the hospital. He rarely cried during those few days I was with him in the NICU. He basically slept in two or two and a half hour stretches. His only time awake was to eat. He'd often fall asleep eating. My biggest worry in the NICU (besides why is that blasted alarm going off again) was how to get 40 mL into his little mouth. And then we were discharged and everything changed. I had no idea what a change in environment and additional stimulation could do to a baby. We were discharged around 6 o'clock that Thursday evening. By 9 o'clock, I had a different baby. He screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and screamed.

By midnight that night I'd already called the NICU because I was sure something terrible was wrong. He had to be dying to scream like that. They assured me that this was "normal" for adjusting to the outside world. It's like being born all over again, this time into the real world. They encouraged me that things would settle in a few days, just as soon as he could acclimate. But they didn't. I entered into some of the longest weeks.

I didn't really share much about that time with anyone. I was too afraid to share what I was experiencing for fear of sounding ungrateful for the gift I'd been given (and that I'd asked for for so long). I was also afraid I'd be judged as a terrible parent. I was the first to admit that I was out of my league, treading water, rather than swimming with power strokes, but I was terrified that others would look at this red-faced, screaming infant and wonder what kind of unfit mother was I that I couldn't even quiet my baby. There were times when I was actually afraid to go in public with him for fear that somehow, someway, it would get back to the courts and they'd take him away. It was that bad.

I felt those things, but the good news is that I don't feel those things anymore, or at least much less frequently. So I wanted to share this for the mother who is currently neck deep and not sure if she's going to reach the shore. Or for those who will experience similar things with their miracles that are coming one day. Think of this as a fist bump, a "solidarity, sister," and a hug. I've been there. It gets better.

As I mentioned, the first night we arrived in the hotel with Garrison was a rude awakening to what the next few months of life would be like. He was inconsolable. I'd blame it on being an utter novice with no clue what to do, except that my mom couldn't console him either. We left the hospital with a different formula (hey hospitals, can we maybe start that process while at the hospital? A slow transition?!?!?) and by the second feed he was gassy and refusing the bottle while at the same time desperate to eat. We kept the hotel room very dark as the NICU was semi-lit to dark most of the day. I did everything I could think of to eliminate stimulation, but nothing seemed to work. He went from a  baby that was lying quitely in a bassinet undisturbed most of the day, to a baby that would scream (we're talking fire alarm level) if I even thought about putting him down. But holding him often only quieted the crying to a desperate shrieking.

What I prayed was just acclimation to a new room and a new formula became the pattern of my days. Garrison cried more than he slept. Many parents experience "the witching hour," that late afternoon to early evening time when babies can become extremely fussy. Garrison's "witching hour" usually began about 9 or 10 in the morning and lasted until 10 to 12 at night. Many of the various parenting books discuss how important a sleep/wake cycle is, but I was honestly desperate for him to sleep during the day, just so he'd stop screaming. He only slept in my arms, and even then, it was restless. If I put him down for a nap, he'd be awake and screaming at full volume within ten minutes.

I mentioned that I read The Happiest Baby on the Block. I was so thankful for the book in many ways. It validated some of the things that I was experiencing and feeling. It also taught me soothing techniques and ways to combine them that we desperately clung to. But I also felt like crap while reading it because here was this book, all but promising a happy baby, and mine seemed like the saddest baby on the block. I frantically read Happiest Baby hoping that somewhere there was a key to unlock the happy baby from inside this very unhappy baby before me. My problem was that the author's testimonials always said how quickly the 5 Ss (Shhhing, Swaddling, Sucking, Side/Stomach, Swinging) worked, but for us, they did not instantly release the natural calming reflex that these parents experienced. Hours of shhing on top of white noise (or the vaccum or the tub faucet) and swinging and sucking while being tightly swaddled like a burrito sometimes did absolutely nothing. Most of the time it eventually worked, but I'd bet Garrison can go toe to toe for the longest hold out before giving into the 5 Ss' soothing ways.

I'm pretty sure I will remember until my dying day the day that Garrison cried from 12:30 until 10:00. It was almost completely nonstop. He screamed through his bottles. He even cried and moaned while sleeping. No fever, no rash, no vomit, no diarrhea... nothing that could explain his behavior. That day was torture. But unfortunately, it wasn't all that different from a lot of other days. Weeks 2-8 were pretty bad in all honesty. I felt like the absolute worst mother. A complete and total failure. I questioned my ability to parent. I wondered if he hated me. I worried that this was doing irreparable damage to our ability to bond. I had hundreds of thoughts pour through my head each day about infertility. It was hard to silence the voices that said infertility had been God's way of preventing me from becoming a mother because I was obviously terrible.

When others told me of their successes with some technique, it only made me feel worse. So your baby is sleeping 8 hours by 8 weeks, well cool, I'm trying to get mine to stop crying for 8 consecutive minutes. And the absolute worst was to be around someone I had confided a bit about my fussy baby. Inevitably he'd be peacefully sleeping at that particular time and I'd hear what a happy, sweet, good baby he was. Those comments made me feel even more terrible. He obviously only hated me. It was me and not him.

I know many people probably read this and think, "oh well, you didn't try X." We tried five different bottles (landed on Dr. Brown's), seven different nipples (ended up with Dr. B's preemie), five different swaddles/swaddle blankets (he specifically liked Halo, in fleece), six different pacifiers (landed on the Soothie). We tried gripe water, gas drops, Happi Tummi, clockwise belly rubs, and bicycle kicks. We tried prescription gas medication and eventually received a prescription for reflux. But here's the thing, even with Dr. Brown's promises of less gas, reflux, and colic, prescription medications for gas and reflux, and all of the 5Ss at our disposal, Garrison (and mommy) still cried. If I could get Garrison to eat without screaming I considered it a win. If I could quiet him in 15 minutes or less, I considered that a victory. Those weeks were hard.

I was finally coming to see the writing on the wall. These infant days were just not going to be fun. I could enjoy my snuggles when he was sound asleep, but I'd spend his waking minutes trying to calm him and soothe whatever was bothering him. And then slowly, ever so slowly things began to change. Around 8 weeks, he began to naturally fall back into his rhythm from his days in the NICU. He began to eat every three hours again, and I became more aware and intentional about a scheduled feeding and nap in between each feeding. Around 10 weeks (right when maternity leave ended) was the first time I thought things might be getting better. By 12 weeks, I was sure, he was definitely less fussy, it wasn't just a string of good days. Things were actually getting better. By 14 weeks, things were so much different. He still fussed far more than other babies, but we could play together. There were minutes I'd describe him as happy, and they might even outweigh the minutes I'd say he was sad/angry/frustrated.

Every week things have gotten a bit better. He'll be twenty weeks tomorrow, and the difference the last 6-8 weeks have made is astounding. He's still not what I'd call a happy baby. You can look at him the wrong way and set off a good, long bout of crying. Like I said, he's sensitive. A lot of things bother Garrison, and when something is bothering him, he lets you know. I've resolved myself to this fact. Garrison will probably never be an easy baby. Or like my friend Jennie says, some babies are just "spirited." They're either very happy or very unhappy - there is no in between. That's him. But I think the good news might be that what he loves, he will love fiercely, and I think despite our rough start, he just might love his mama. 

I know that a fussy baby would be a dream come true for a lot of you. Believe me, even in the thick of it, I didn't (and don't) take my miracle for granted. I'm not complaining. I just wanted to be honest about what I experienced. When other moms opened up to me and shared similar experiences I felt so much comfort and gratitude. So like I said, if that's you, if you're in the thick of it, if you're question whether you were meant to be a mother, it does get better. Hang in there.

Nursery Reveal (finally)

Finally, finally, FI-NAL-LY the nursery is done. We've been waiting for-ever for the crib to come in. This has been the most painstaking process, but thankfully I love the finished result, and it came out very close to my original plan. A little back story. Back in November, we started to get the feeling that our adopted son or daughter might come to us with less time on the clock, so to speak, than we originally thought. When we first started the adoption process we thought that we'd be matched with a situation with 8-12 weeks of the pregnancy left, but what we were seeing was often so much less than that. Often 3 weeks or less (if only we'd known what we'd actually get). I knew that I didn't want to throw a room together in a couple of weeks... not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that I've dreamed about my nursery since I was a very little girl. I remember watching Father of the Bride Part 2 and looking at the unbelievable room that Frank designs and thinking, THAT-that will be my room. I knew what I wanted would take more time, so I was forced to decide. I either needed to be willing to be happy with a room I could put together on the fly, or I needed to be okay with starting a room for a baby that was only a hope and a prayer at that point.

We started very slowly. In December, my mom and I just went out to casually look at furniture and see what was available, what I might like, ect. Well, that trip really motivated me. I'm not sure why I thought you could walk in and walk out with your crib, dresser, and rocker, but that proved to not be the case. Sam and I decided that we'd slowly begin to work on the room. We knew in light of our goal to work on the nursery before the match, that we would not know the gender. Thankfully, neutrals would be my go to choice for a nursery. In light of our infertility journey, and as I thought about the space and using it prior to the match, I really wanted a calm, tranquil space, one that I could sit in and dream, pray, and wait. In January, I stumbled across a great deal on some Pottery Barn Kids bedding that I thought could work for a boy of a girl (and that I really loved). We also got a GREAT deal on a rocker from Pottery Barn Kids. And slowly the idea for the room began to take shape. We started to clear out the room that would turn into the nursery. I began to plan a little more and created a Pinterest board of things that I liked. Eventually, I whittled that down to create "the plan."

The first purchase for the room was this quilt. The colors
and design of the room were inspired by this.

I'd love to give you a tour of the little space we've created for Garrison (and let's be real here, it's mostly for me). Won't you come in?

This is the view when you walk in the door. Maybe a bit cramped with the
rocking chair,  but we're making it work. The crib and dresser are by
Dolce Babi. The traditional crib is brand new (which is why it took FOUR
months to receive) and I LOVE it. 

Same thing, just giving you an idea of layout… the dresser is directly
across from the window. The stencil on the wall is inspired by
the pattern on the quilt and sheets.

A close up of the quilt-- the inspiration behind the stenciled wall.

Photos are from Garrison's newborn session by Jessica Tanner.

We actually left the room the same color (Sherwin Williams Worldly Gray)
we originally painted when we moved in… miraculously it worked
out better than I was expecting. We added the board and batten because
A- I love it and B- it helps make the gray furniture pop.

We added the two shelves on either side of the dresser to give some
space to place a few personal touches. The shelf on the left has a photo
from Garrison's newborn shoot in a frame from my great aunt. The gold
animals are from my shower and the print is the words to "Oceans" by
Hillsong given to me by a sweet friend.

The shelf on the right has a letter G wrapped in gray yarn (because Pinterest
said to), another golden animal (I need one more), a photo box of all of
the prints from Garrison's newborn shoot, a ceramic baby shoe with his birth
stats, and the frame of his monthly stats. I'll replace the monthly stats with
a family photo as soon as I get one printed.

The rocker is from Pottery Barn Kids. It's admittedly less about functionality
and more about how much I freaking love that rocker. My dear, sweet friend
Jennie made the blanket on the rocker for Garrison. It's one of my favorite
things! The curtains are also Pottery Barn Kids. It's the world's smallest window
for the biggest, thickest, heaviest, curtains, but again, I really love them.
Oh, and cat is a bonus feature. She blends quite well, don't ya think?

Two hand-lettered prints hang on either side of the
window. These are both from the etsy shop: PENscriptink.
This one is Psalm 61:2.

The second print is part of the hymn, "It is Well with My Soul."
Rachel from PENscriptink did these prints custom for me
and I painted plain white mats to get some extra gold.

To the right of the window is a little blanket ladder
Sam made for some of our favorite blankets.

On either side of the closet I hung a set of prints of baby animals.
This beautiful artwork is from the etsy shop: studioQ 

I chose the penguin because my incredibly talented friend
 Kristin is an interior designer and she LOVES penguins and she
let me pester her for weeks with questions about the room.

The peacock was a custom order from studioQ to tie
in with the quilt from Pottery Barn Kids. 

We knew we'd need more storage and more logical 

use of the closet space.  Sam made this from IKEA

shelving. All of the storage containers are from Target. 

A close up of Garrison's "library." The "A" and "Z" bookends are one of
the only crafts I made for the room, though it feels like the
room was one giant craft project.

In the corner you can see the puzzle from our fundraiser…
it's not hung properly yet, but you get the idea.

Probably Garrison's least favorite room choice-- I removed the ceiling fan
and had Sam install this light fixture. I'm pretty sure Garrison would have
preferred the ceiling fan…you live and learn. However, I like it,
and Sam installed a dimmer so it's great for bedtime.

So that's pretty much it. It was definitely a labor of love, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who loved any of the labor. Sam will probably never again let me say, "I have an idea." I'm so thankful that he put up with all of my ideas and worked so hard on all the projects. From installing crown to board and batten and from closet shelving to light fixtures, it was a lot of work, but I love the finished product. Garrison might just keep this room until he's 18.

Disclaimer- I put the giant stuffed elephant, quilt, and bumpers on just for the purpose of photographing the room. They are all carefully packed away again. No one need feel compelled to warn me about bumpers or suffocation or anything. : )

Mach Four

Time is flying by. I blink and days are gone. Whole weeks just slip by. Life is just busier now. And not in ways that would typically define a busy life. Our schedule is mostly clear. We're not out and about all over the city. In fact our little town has a big festival this weekend downtown and just about everybody goes to some part of the festivities. It's definitely the place to be, but it's not on our agenda. Our days aren't filled with meetings or events or parties, but the days go by faster than ever before. In a lot of ways, it feels like I got the call just a week or two ago. And yet, in other ways, it feels like Garrison has always been here. He's just part of our day now...  the very best parts. Somehow, enough days have passed and he is FOUR months old. This one seems like a really big deal to me. Thee months still seemed small, and insignificant in terms of time passing, but four months? Holy moly, I feel like I better start planning his first birthday or I'll blink and forget to mail invitations.

Name: still Garrison. : ) And we're REALLY close to making that official. More details to come.

"Hey ma, if I sit here real nice, can we stop this all ready?"

Nicknames: Gosh, I really thought I'd land on one nickname, and let it carry us through, but that has not been the case. He gets called Whiny Butt a good bit. Stinky Butt every now and again. Chunk-a-lunk... which is hilarious because he's anything but chunky for his age, but he is developing a few rolls, dimples, and dints, which are obviously precious.

Cutest baby ever

Stats: 11 lbs 14.8 oz and 22.5 inches. Some of you have already heard from me between yesterday's appointment and today. I am admittedly starting to worry a little bit. At first, I really thought he was going to catch up in no time. I wasn't worried in the least. From 3 lbs 14 oz to 7 lbs 3 oz in just a little over a month seemed really great to me, but things have kind of slowed down. Especially in the length department. Only a half inch of growth this last month. That's umm, kind of sad. I think I was mostly upset about the length... that curve is definitely starting to flatten out. 17" to 19" to 21" to 22" to 22.5" I think I was also just kind of surprised by the numbers. Most of our clothes are from Carters. Their size chart says up to 24 inches and 12.5 pounds. We're struggling to snap onesies these days and they body suits aren't tight but it's not like his feet are in the knee bend either. I was guessing he was at least 23 inches and over 12 pounds. I think the culprit here is the cloth diapers. Cloth diapers, especially pocket styles, take up far more room than a thin little disposable. I knew that, but didn't realize that it was making that big of a difference. We'll probably have to move up to the next size before we actually hit the mark because of cloth diapers.

"Don't let this tush fool ya!"

I talked to my pediatrician about it, and she feels good about his growth. It admittedly makes me nervous. Am I stunting his growth forever? Will he always be a smaller, skinny kid who never gets picked in gym just because we can't pack on the pounds right now? But I'm trying to let it go. He's eating as much as he wants. I don't ever hold back ounces from him. If he wants more, he gets it. I asked about fortifying his formula to a higher calorie content (like 24), but the pediatrician wants to stick with 22. I'm laying it down and saying I'll worry again in two months.

Monthly height and weight chart

Eating: He still eats about every three hours, but has increased to 4-4.5 ounces during the day. His morning and night feeds are iffier. Some days he'll eat well, and some days he won't. I think the projectile vomiting episode has me a little scared to coax him to eat more. Once he spits it out three or four times, I call it and try again in 5-10 minutes. If he still doesn't want it, I call it. He's dropped to six bottles in a day (from eight) so the increase in ounces has kept us right around the same total caloric intake. Hopefully, he'll take a bit more here soon and we'll see some improved growth (and sleep).

"I get this mom."

Sleeping: Garrison definitely doesn't appreciate sleep as much as Sam and I do. We L-O-V-E to sleep. It can take me a while to fall asleep, and I'm a light sleeper (whereas Sam crashes in six seconds and sleeps through earthquakes), but I really love a good nap or an excellent night of sleep. It's definitely "the thing" that I miss from my pre-Garrison days. It's a small sacrifice, but I admittedly do miss the ability to take some Sleep PM and know I'll wake up 8-10 hours later.

Garrison blessed us with two nights in which he actually slept through the night. And by that I mean he slept from his dream feed at 9:30 or 10:00 until 6:30 the next morning. I unfortunately didn't sleep through the night myself on either occasion and both nights woke up hysterical knowing he was dead. Once I chilled out, I was pretty pleased with my little guy. Here I was about to purchase all the sleep training books in the world and he was going to figure it out all by himself. Yeah, umm, no. If anything, those nights have just made it more frustrating because now I know that he can sleep through the night, he just doesn't. For the last three weeks he's been waking up 4-10 times a night. He soothes quickly with the paci, a little shushing, and or light pressure on his tummy, but it lasts approximately thirty minutes before you have to do it all over again. He never really cries, so we haven't been feeding him (unless he actually wakes up crying and won't soothe with a paci, at which point I assume he actually is hungry and in need of calories). If we let him fuss, he does just that, he fusses, and fusses, and fusses and gets himself more and more and more worked up. He rolls and squirms and and wiggles until he gets his Halo all messed up and then he really DOES wake up and cry. In an attempt to prevent that, I've been doing the jump and run thing as soon as I hear him fuss for sixty seconds or more, but I know I'm feeding the frenzy and probably creating unbreakable habits. Sigh.

"Who's tired? Not me, ma."

Our pediatrician is recommending the Ferber method and dropping the swaddle ASAP. Like literally, she told me to just not swaddle him again. We're umm, not going there quite yet. My goal is to transition him to his room and slowly begin the swaddle transition after he's been in his room for a week. At this point I'm trying to decide between transitioning with the Halo (one arm out, then both arms out, then sleep sack) or transitioning with the Zipadee. I swore I wouldn't buy a ton of baby crap, but it appears that the fastest way to get me to purchase baby paraphernalia is to promise me good sleep. I'm also starting a night time routine this weekend. I was hoping to have a really simple night because between bottles and cloth diapers our evenings are already full, but I think for consistency I'm going with a bath every night, followed by lotion/massage, followed by a bottle, and then a book, and then bed. I'm hoping the book will give enough time for his bottle to settle and his reflux meds to kick in so that I can lay him down "drowsy but awake." Little Butt definitely needs to learn the art of putting himself to sleep, but with reflux, that has been really hard.

morning stretches

Likes: Garrison really like music. He likes when I sing ridiculous made-up songs, so I do that a LOT to keep him happy. He also likes baby toys that play music. It's been pretty fun to watch him fall in love with sounds. Out of desperation I turned on a Baby Einstein video on my phone one day when we were stuck in Atlanta traffic. I didn't let him see the screen, but just the sounds of bees buzzing and ridiculous sock puppets beeping and squealing at one another instantly shut him up. Such a fun thing to watch. I admittedly use that a good bit now that I know it works, especially when I'm getting ready in the morning.

Jammin' to some morning tunes

He's also a BIG fan of laughing. I thought he smiles were the best thing ever, but then he laughed and I almost died. His laugh is the cutest thing in the whole wide world. In case you missed his sweet little laugh, I'm posting the video here. It's that good. It deserves a double dose of social media exposure.

Dislikes: I still feel like I don't really know what Garrison dislikes. One day it's laying on his back, the next it's sitting in the bumbo. One day it'll be pacifiers, the next baths. He's a confusing little dude. Most of the time, I just carry on. He fusses, we shush.

"I can't even remember why I'm crying!"

Undecided about: He's suddenly very undecided about riding in the car. This is heartbreaking. I thought I was used to the sound a baby screaming, but oh. my. gosh. Garrison has cried for over an hour straight while we've been traveling on more than one occasion. It's AWFUL. Some days he's fine, but others are just so bad. I used to pretty much bank on a nap in the car, but not any more. Now I have to schedule it to be nap time so he's really sleepy, or get him to sleep, shove him in the car and run for it.

"You're not gonna buckle me in again, are ya?"

Looking forward to: Oh my gosh, I'm like pee in my pants excited... his crib is FINALLY here. We ordered that bad boy on February 14th. I got the call on June 22nd that it was finally, finally in. I can't wait. It's the last piece I've been waiting on for his room to be finished, but it's a pretty key piece. I'm SO excited to go to Atlanta to pick it up this weekend. I'm also looking forward to moving Garrison into his room, while quietly shaking in my boots with fear over how insanely craptastic sleep may get.

Sweet, sweet baby

I'm also really looking forward to the future suddenly. I don't know why, but in the last week or so, it's just hit me. He's ours. Like forever ours. We'll finalize soon. His name will change. He's our son. Suddenly it isn't just about day to day living but I'm dreaming about the future again. I don't know if I can contain my joy over Christmas this year. We may start singing Christmas carols in July. I already bought him his first Christmas present and I cannot WAIT to see his little face on Christmas morning. There's so many other things too. I'm not wishing away the baby days for anything, but I'm so excited for all the growing he has to do. It's amazing to think that there's this whole, big, beautiful life being written just for him. I'm so honored that I get to see the story unfold.