Chuggin' Along

Well, I guess I should start off by saying that I survived the first round of shots... and the second, and the third, and now the fourth. I know; I wasn't sure I was going to make it either. We've decided that applying ice beforehand helps. Other than that, I'm at the mercy of my injector, but thus far it's been fairly smooth. I did have one small snafu on Saturday night in which I didn't properly screw the small gauge needle on, so during the injection, the Menopur came out of the joint between the syringe and the needle rather than going into me. That was a rough night... lots of cursing as I had to be injected an additional time. Otherwise, we've been doing okay.

This morning I had my first monitoring appointment with Dr. Duffy. As I've never been monitored on CD 4 before, I had no idea what to expect. I didn't have my phone handy to write down all the numbers, but I'm guessing he called out 12-15 follicles between left and right... largest measured 8mm and smallest measured 4mm. I figured he was going to keep me at the same dose or even bump me down... 8mm seems larger for three doses of meds. He seemed to disagree. He's bumped the meds up to 225iu of Gonal-F and 150iu of Menopur, which means I definitely have to order more Menopur and most likely Gonal-F as well. Boo. I'm trying not to be too suspicious of this increase... I could second guess every decision along the way. I'm of course a little concerned Mr. 8mm is going to surge ahead and leave everyone else behind. I'm also concerned that I'll ovulate before I go back in, but he's got me starting Cetrotide Thursday morning, so hopefully that will be soon enough to waive off any ovulation signals my body may start sending.

As if venipuunctures and shots weren't enough, I also decided to do acupuncture during IVF. Obviously, as I haven't tried acupuncture until now, I'm sort of suspicious of it. Essentially, anything that claims to be able to fix EVERYTHING with the same procedure/protocol/pill, well, I'm a little suspicious of that. And thus far, I feel like my preconceived notions of it were fairly accurate. They all seem 150% confident that acupuncture will help A-get me pregnant, B-heal my body, C-keep me pregnant, and D-remove all the stress in my life. All right then, let me see it! Today was session one. Unfortunately the practitioner that I chose was unavailable this week, so she sent me to another lady so I wouldn't have to miss any appointments during my stim cycle. She was okay... she seemed to hint regularly that "western medicine" may call me unexplained, but she has already found many things that are wrong and she's confident that acupuncture can help/fix them all. The session was okay... not really what I'd call relaxing. I was freezing cold and obviously, couldn't cover up as I had a bunch of needles sticking out of me. Essentially, it was just odd. And I had a pretty fierce headache after that lasted about half an hour. However, this trip is all about no regrets. I figure acupuncture can't hurt, so I'll see it through till the end.

In other less tedious news, I got new makeup! Eekkk! As a high schooler I was all about Mary Kay makeup... as a newlywed I discovered that I couldn't rationalize twenty dollar foundation and ten dollar eye shadow. I've been using the same makeup for years (and years). The essential things that I run out of like foundation have been replaced with cheap drug store products like ELF. Well today was the day! Sam got me a gift card to Ulta for Christmas and my mom graciously filled in the gap. I am the proud new owner of some lovely Bare Minerals products! Soooo fun! I might actually enjoy wearing makeup again. Here's a pic to show off the new look:

Let's agree to pretend that I did my hair today and that
I'm not in pajamas at 5:30 when this was taken, okay?

So that's about it. Overall, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. I lost a few tears the night of the Menopur incident and a few more the morning Sam left, but otherwise, the emotions seem to be fairly stable. We will see how long I can hold it together on the larger dose. Next monitoring appointment isn't until Friday!

A Little Reality Check

The title of this post was supposed to be "Green Light" meaning we got the go ahead to proceed with IVF: no cysts, no wonky blood levels, no issues. Start your engines kind of talk. That was the title until our consultation this afternoon. Let me go ahead and end the suspense by saying we did eventually get the green light, but there was a total of about ten minutes there where I wasn't sure we would ever do IVF. Okay, so now that I've peaked your interest, lets rewind, shall we?

This morning I had my appointment for ultrasound and blood work... I was expecting it to be thirty minutes max. It was over three hours. Blood work was quick... only one vial. I'm not sure why, but I assumed IVF required like 80 vials a day or something terrible. Then we proceeded to the ultrasound room. Why nurses feel the need to tell you to strip half naked when the doctor is running behind I will never know. Hanging out on a table with a sheet covering you for half an hour is just not fun. However, the doctor came in and the party officially started. He was all excited, which helped me to get excited. "Woo hoo, here we go," kind of stuff. The ultrasound was fine. I'm not exactly sure what my antral follicle count is. He said 5 at one point while looking at the right, which just about made me come off the table. But then he said, "I don't count higher than 5" when I asked, and he then proceeded to show me that the left had more than 10.... not sure if the right had more than 5 too. I'm trying to be happy and satisfied with the fact that I have follicles... some women would kill for those.

There were no cysts, so that was all good. I assumed that was the end, but he then sent us to talk with a nurse. She went over all the paperwork (more signatures required than buying a house) and injections again. They decided they needed a HIV test and a semen analysis on Sam as his last tests were from December of 2012. We had to wait forever for the next person who went over the costs of everything. I don't care how low the cost starts, it's always more than you were planning... there are always little extras that "aren't included" like anesthesia. It was about $1100 more than we had previously been quoted after all was said and done, but whatever. We're moving on.

We finished up the morning (now afternoon) with a semen analysis and then finally got released. We managed to get Sam's prescription for antibiotics filled (FREE) and then grab a little lunch before heading back to the clinic for our consultation with Dr. Duffy regarding eggs, embryos, what to freeze and when. And that is where all hell broke loose.

When we got there, they took us straight back to his office and the nurse said she'd check to see if the analysis was ready from earlier. She came by and clipped something to our file a few minutes earlier. After about ten minutes Dr. Duffy showed up to review the analysis and begin our consultation. We could tell he was really unsettled. He asked Sam if he'd ever done an analysis before... ughhh, yeah, like five or six.... we've been to a urologist for goodness sake. He flipped through our records a few times before finally saying that he was just stumped. He asked Sam if anything traumatic had happened, did he have surgery, was he on testosterone, had he done anything to cause this: (at which point he showed the results) 14 sperm. Not 14 hundred million, not even 14 million, just 14 and they were ALL non-motile. Cue absolute freak out.

I some how internalized in 2.4 seconds that it would not be good if I lost it in front of Sam. I didn't want him to think I was blaming him, mad at him, any of that, so instead of sobbing or screaming I just started flipping through my notebook. I'm pretty sure I said "this is impossible" like ten times as I kept handing the doctor more and more old tests. He started talking about options: things like, test again in a week, go back on birth control, cancel the cycle... I'm pretty sure I was starting to unravel. I could tell Sam was really upset. He was perfectly still, but I touched his leg and it was about 100 degrees... he was about ten seconds away from bursting into flames. At which point Sam leaned forward and said "that's not my social". People, I. nearly. died.

For a full ten minutes I was in somebody else's shoes; I've never been so thankful to enter back into my own. It was an incredible reality check for both of us... as awful as it is to be here, to need IVF, at least IVF can help us. IVF can't do anything for 14 dead sperm. The doctor just about lost it himself but not from relief, from rage. I wouldn't be too surprised if someone lost their job over that little error. Needless to say he apologized a ton, reassured us that mistakes like this are incredibly unusual and that he and everyone who works at the clinic are held to a high level of responsibility. I was so relieved, I didn't even care. He went and picked up the correct analysis and returned with a much better report. We were able to salvage the rest of the consult, though it's probably needless to say that I was extremely frazzled and he was still really mad. I think we scrounged up enough info to move forward, but that's a post for another day.

For tonight, I'm simply insanely thankful to be where we are. Our hopes and dreams almost came to a screeching halt today. There's nothing like a little reality check to remind you that there are always worse scenarios than the one you're in. Instead of a cancelled cycle, we have a green light to move forward. We start meds tonight... 150iu of gonal-F and 75iu of Menopur. I can honestly say that I've never been more excited and I've never felt more blessed to be able to do these injections. We are so incredibly blessed to be here, financially able to afford this, with the chances we have due to the eggs and sperm we have... so, so blessed.

Merry Christmas to Me

This is going to be brief you guys... I'm exhausted. We literally just got into our hotel room. After three attempts to enter three different rooms, it has been determined that the key card system at the hotel has malfunctioned... only the master key card works. Thank God, that it does or I'd be asleep in the hallway of the StayBridge Suites in Jacksonville... I'm that tired.

Christmas came and went in a flurry as usual. My mom has a big family. Her mother is still living along with four siblings all of whom have children and three of the five siblings have grandchildren now. There were about 30 people in her house last night. My introverted self was exhausted just from that, but add in all the cooking, cleaning, and decorating, well, I'm just not sure how my mom does it. But it was beautiful! And yummy, except, I wouldn't know about that!

We started off Christmas morning at my mom's with just my mom, stepdad, Sam, and I. Sam and I received some lovely gifts from everyone! Most notable were:

Despicable Me 2: first up on the list of movies to watch in Jville

A new nutcracker to add to my collection

You can see that Everest was chilling out Christmas morning as well. What you can't see is that she went CRAZY over a little furry hedgehog thing with catnip inside. Love that little girl. You can also see that I added some awesome infinity scarves to my pajama attire... lovely.

Happy Christmas family-sans Boo Boo

Unfortunately we didn't get the full family. It's hard enough to get a good photo with Sterling, add in Everest and her tendency for red eyes, and well, our family photos usually fail. Just imagine a sweet little fluff ball, okay? And just to prove that we clean up, here's one of us in front of mom's (ah-mazing) tree!

Nine Christmases with this handsome man!

And last but not least, let us not forget the best gift of all:

IVF meds

That's right people, it's almost time. I'm fairly certain this is the most expensive gift to ever grace my home the week of Christmas... so Merry Christmas to me. I'll be back tomorrow with an update after our appointments and when my brain is slightly less frazzled from a 7.5 hour drive.

The Thrill of Hope

The holidays are hard for so many people. They remind you of a difficult childhood, of a broken marriage, or a child gone astray. Christmas somehow so poignantly reminds us of what we don't have, or what we've lost, of what we're missing. It's strange, isn't it? That's certainly not the purpose of Christmas, and yet it happens every year.

For infertile women, Christmas can be incredibly difficult. Christmas seems to be wrapped and twisted and tied up around children, which is wonderful, and beautiful, and so special if you have them. It's when you don't have children, and yet it is your greatest desire to do so, that Christmas morphs into this great big mirror reflecting back to you what you don't have. It's kind of like in Harry Potter with that mirror, the Mirror of Erised... Harry, who has never seen his mother and father together, who has never felt their warm embrace, who has never seen them smile at him, sees his family together again. The Mirror shows him the single, deepest desire of his heart. For an infertile woman, Christmas acts as that mirror. All around us, the families are making memories and starting traditions. Children anticipate Santa, they make reindeer food, bake Santa cookies, read Twas the Night before Christmas; they decorate a birthday cake for Jesus, count down the days, and awake each morning to see where a (creepy) little elf has gone. These are all things that we have wanted to do with our own children for so long, and yet we simply watch other families enjoy these times together. For some, the image is more real for they came so close to the dream. Christmas becomes a marker of "my baby would have been 9 months, or my baby would have been 3 years".

For me, this could have been our second Christmas with our son or daughter... we could have had a nineteen month old child to celebrate with this year. I look at Christmas and I clearly see what could have been. My loss was years ago, and yet at Christmas it is somehow more new, more raw, more apparent than at other times of the year. I can't help but think of my friends who will experience their first Christmas after a loss, be that a miscarriage, a still birth, or a failed adoption. In every situation there was hope that THIS Christmas would be different, but instead it is more of the same with a lot more pain.

And yet despite all the sadness and the pain, for some reason, Christmas also gives us renewed hope. I'm not sure if that has to do with the closing of another year and the hope of the next... kind of a "2013 wasn't what we hoped, but 2014 might be" kind of thing. Or maybe it has more to do with the Christmas story. The birth of Jesus was the fulfillment of a promise made hundreds of years before... maybe it is the idea of fulfilled promises that renews our hope. But hope is hard, oh so hard. It's dangerous. It leaves us vulnerable. It opens us up to new wounds and lays bear our old scars. It is so very difficult to keep hoping year after year. In fact, we often look foolish for hoping for so long. "The thrill of hope"... ironic really. I don't think the Hebrew people would have described waiting as a "thrill". No, it wasn't until the promise was fulfilled that it became a thrill, not until "the weary world" rejoiced that this hope became something to sing about.

For those of you who have been blessed with the gift of a child, snuggle them extra close tonight. I know they're driving you bonkers with the Santa tracker and the carrots for Rudolph. I know that you'll be up at an unholy hour in the morning after putting together some crazy toy with 8,000 parts into the wee hours of the night. But these are the days that memories are made, so make them good.

And for those of you still waiting, still hurting, still praying, I am hoping for you. I am so incredibly hopeful for so many of you that your time is coming. May there be babies and bumps galore this time next year! Abiding with you, my friends!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Single Digits

We are certainly in the single digits now! In fact, we're only five days from leaving for Jacksonville and six days from "IVF Start Date"... so crazy! Last night I looked over at Sam and said, "does it feel like we start IVF a week from today?" He immediately responded "nope"... we're both kind of in shock that it is here, it's time, the meds are in route, the bags are being packed... it's almost our turn.

It feels incredibly surreal. IVF has been what other people do. I've spent the last two years reading the blogs of other women who go through IVF, but never me. For the last 14 months, it has been "the plan", but we have had no real clue when we would have enough money to pursue the treatment. It has been such an incredibly long road to get to this point, but now that it is actually here, it feels like someone else's life.

I'm guessing it will all officially sink in about the time Sam stands before me (with a slight sadistic gleam in his eye) with a syringe of Gonal-F and a needle tip glinting in the lamplight... yea, right about then, I think I'll come to terms with the fact that IVF is officially here.

In other news, The Prohibition of All Things Yummy is going as well as can be expected. Whoever these people are who eliminate sugar for a week and suddenly stop craving, I don't know who they are. I'm definitely not one of them. Actually, I'm still doing okay in terms of sugar cravings which I guess is in part because I'm still eating fruit... if I feel like I'll just die without a brownie, I eat a clementine. Poor substitution, yes, but it seems to do the trick. What I'm really, really craving is salty, crunchy, delightfully yummy carbs. A Chick-fil-A biscuit is still top of my list, but I'd also love some pita chips, pizza... you get the picture. But I've stayed strong... and I'm down almost a full six pounds (5.8 to be exact) since I started almost two weeks ago. The weight loss is not the point at all for me (though who doesn't love to lose a few), but the weight loss helps me to know that I'm doing something right. I just hope I'm doing enough right to bathe my eggs in love, light, and nutritious surroundings rather than the "high glucose environment" they once were.

Other than trying to stick to boring food groups, we're just counting down the days like every other person at this time of year... only this year it's not Christmas we're counting down for. It's kind of a bummer, but Christmas is just one more day we have to "get through" before we get to leave. But it's honestly probably a good thing we have IVF to look forward to and plan for. The holidays are always hard, but this year, it's just not on my mind. I'm not dwelling on how sad I'll be, but rather trying to remember everything I need to pack... IVF is a good distraction! We each have two days of work, Christmas day, and then the drive down to Jacksonville. That is all that stands between us and potential, between us and hope, between us and fear. But I'm as ready as I'll ever be, so let's get this show on the road!

Prayers for the Days Ahead

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm very open about infertility in my real life. I don't introduce myself as "Amanda, the infertile", but if a friend or acquaintance in real life asks about our journey, I'm happy to share. Between the blog, word of mouth, Facebook, etc. I sometimes feel as if every single person I know has heard bits and pieces of our story. With that comes a lot of caring souls... I am incredibly blessed!

Tons of real life friends have asked what they can be praying for in the days ahead. So this post is for you guys:

First of all, I feel like I should probably explain what the heck I'm doing down in Jacksonville. Essentially, we're leaving December 26th for our first appointment the morning of December 27th. From there, my doctor will do an ultrasound, draw some blood and decide on the amount of medication I should start taking. The goal is to make a bunch of good great quality eggs. They can't grow too fast or too slow... it's got to be just right! Obviously, each month a woman's body grows and releases one egg (rarely more than one). Well, our goal is to stimulate my ovaries and kind of "trick" them into creating a lot more follicles (eggs).

I'll do injections nightly for several days and the doctors will monitor me every few days to make sure that my follicles aren't growing too fast or too slow. The goal is to stimulate the ovaries with injections for 10 to 12 days. Once my follicles reach a certain point, I'll add in additional medication to prevent my body from ovulating. Ovulation is the release of the egg, which is normally good, but in IVF, it's very bad. They cannot harvest an egg once it has been released.

Once the follicles get to a certain size, I'll take one last injection to prepare my body for ovulation. Why would we do this if we don't want to ovulate? It seems counter intuitive but the surge of LH hormone is what prepares the eggs, and helps them mature. At that point, I'll await my egg retrieval.

The egg retrieval is done under sedation, so I won't know how many eggs they gather until I wake up. The retrieval is done by withdrawing the fluid contents of each follicle (with the egg inside) into a needle. Once the eggs are retrieved, they are inspected by the embryologist and fertilized in the lab. We will find out our fertilization report (how many eggs fertilized) the following day.

At this point, it is all 100% out of our hands. The embryos will hopefully continue to grow (multiplication of cells) and we will decide in the next day or so on a day three or day five transfer. We will also hear the grade of our embryos and make the final decision on how many to transfer back. As I've stated before, the max is two for us, but we still haven't officially decided.

And that's it! Seems simple enough, right? I will return home after the transfer in a state we infertiles lovingly refer to as PUPO... Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. I'll simply have to wait patiently (hahaha) for the first blood draw to see if an embryo attached and continued to grow!

Okay, so what can you pray for?

1. Wisdom for the doctors. IVF is pretty "standard" in that everyone goes through the basic steps above, but every woman is different, every woman responds differently to the medications, and no one really knows how a woman will respond until they start. So prayers that the doctors make wise decisions on protocols, medication levels, and the big things like when to trigger ovulation are all crucial! 
2. Courage for me. I've stated before that I am terrified of needles. I passed out over a finger prick in my teenage years! Things are better (a million blood draws will do that for you) but for some reason the injections don't seem the same as the blood draws in my mind. I'm lucky that I'm on a pretty low dose protocol when it comes to meds... I'll only need two injections a day. Regardless, I'm scared. And it looks like I'll have to inject myself for 2-3 doses. So yea, lots of courage for that.
3. Patience for Sam and my mom. When I'm not injecting myself, Sam and my mom will have this lovely task. And I'm a baby... I cry, I complain, I yell that he's not doing it right. Lots of patience needed by all.
4. Our babies. I've mentioned before, but as we can't say with 100% certainty when life begins or a soul takes root, we've decided to back the moment up as far as possible... we're considering the embryos our children the moment the sperm and egg meet. So lots of prayers for health for our babies would be amazing!
5. The Lord's will. We are obviously desperate for this to work. We're paying a lot of money, sure, but even more important is that we feel ready. We want a baby. And IVF is it... there are no bigger, better treatments to move on to after this. The only thing to do is to try IVF again. So we really, really, really want this to work... however, we want the Lord's will more. At least, we're trying really hard to want the Lord's will more. Which leads to:
6. Our hearts. IVF will either bring us to our highest high, or our lowest low to date. So prayers for acceptance for Sam and I are extremely important. I'll admit that I sometimes (often) want my way more than God's way, so prayers for my heart to align with the Lord are coveted. We fully accept and know that everything can go perfectly in terms of egg, sperm, uterine lining, etc, but if the Lord doesn't breathe life, we will not succeed. We also fully believe that everything can go terribly wrong, but that our God redeems. Prayers for our hearts to remember both of these things are crucial.

As I mentioned in the last post, the blog will be up and public throughout, so feel free to check in and read the updates. Our prayer requests will probably change as we move throughout the process.And that is it for now! Thank you all so much for agreeing to partner with us in prayer! There is truly no greater gift you can offer us in the days ahead!

Going Dark

I've been debating for days now what to do about the blog and the possibility of a BFP after our upcoming IVF. Many of my blog friends may not know this, but I often post my blog directly to my Facebook page, not a blog Facebook page, my actual, personal Facebook page. Which means that my blog friends read this, people I see at work read this, friends from my church read this, my extended family read this, and people I haven't seen since high school or college read this blog. That's a lot of people to find out about a positive pregnancy test on day one!

There are obviously a couple of options: I could blog about IVF up to and through the transfer but then mysteriously disappear for 10 weeks. The obvious problem there is if it's negative, I'll want/need to keep blogging, so I'd be back immediately. Which would lead to one conclusion: she disappeared therefore she's pregnant… no big secret there.

I could also attempt to make the blog private which would only allow certain people to view posts after IVF. But again, I don't actually want to make the blog private, so I would leave it public if the test was negative, and if someone showed up to see the blog had gone private… hmmmm, question answered.

The other option is of course to simply not post links to the blog on Facebook, but I feel like there are enough inquiring minds out there… they could easily track down an old link to check in if they wanted to. Heck, it's amazing to me that people can spell my name, but the most common search in google that links to the blog is Genuine Greavu… people who want the news will be able to find it.

Lastly, there is of course the option to simply embrace the situation. Anybody and everybody who cares can know the outcome as soon as I post it. This option kind of gives me the willies though.

Even if infertility had never reared its ugly head in my life, I would have been a cautious announcer. I would obviously have told Sam everything, but past that, the plan was always a slow process of telling people. I would have told my mom in some cute way... wrap up a HPT or something. In fact when I got the first digital pregnancy test, I saved it to send to her in the mail (is that gross? oh well, it never happened). After that, I'd have let Sam tell his mom and dad and stepparents when and how he wanted. And after super close family, the plan in my mind had always been 12 weeks... and that was before infertility.

But the truth is, I'll never survive 12 weeks. Too many people know what's going on. There will be too many questions... and why would I not answer if it's negative? It's a secret that IVF failed for 12 weeks?!?!?! Good grief, if IVF fails, I'm hopeful that we will be back for a FET before 12 weeks! I just can't see a way around it... everyone is going to know.

Everyone will know if a home pregnancy test is positive. Everyone will know if our first beta comes out super high. Everyone will know if our second beta doesn't double and I'm crippled with fear. Everyone will know if we miscarry. Everyone will know no matter what the next weeks or months may bring. And that is kind of scary.

However, I went public for a reason with my blog and my story beyond the blog community. I wanted to raise awareness about infertility, I wanted other women who may feel incredibly alone to know that they are absolutely not alone, and I wanted to put a face on infertility. I had incredibly misconceived ideas about infertility before it walked into my life, so I can only assume most people share those same misconceptions. I wanted a place where I could be open and honest about my faith and how infertility has and is affecting it. And ultimately, I wanted to give the Lord a platform... whether He decides to heal us, work through modern medicine, or never bless us with a child of my own, I wanted to offer up our story. Our story is all for His glory!

So for now, we're staying open... the blog will be up and running and you can expect updates like normal. I think of the woman who went through an IVF retrieval on the TODAY show. She said she did it to encourage other women in similar situations to overcome their fears. Well for me, I hope the friends and family who don't battle infertility can catch a tiny glimpse into what this is like. The odds are that they know other friends who are or will go through treatment, so maybe reading and hearing about the nerves associated with the first beta, or fear that comes from injecting yourself... well, maybe that will help when they interact with their other friends. No matter what happens going forward I hope that this space can stay true to itself... honest, open, raw... genuine.

In other news, today is what I imagine Katniss meant when she described "hollow days" in The Hunger Games. Absolutely nothing I eat satisfies my hunger. I'm assuming this is because I'm not hungry for yogurt or apples or lettuce. I'm currently craving a Chick-fil-A chicken biscuit (pardon me while I drool on my desk) on a nice big bowl of jasmine rice. Heaven help me, it's going to be a long day!