So, Why Adoption...Again?

Once upon a time, we made a plan. Sam and I said we'd adopt and then we'd return to Jacksonville, Florida for our remaining embryos. And yet, here we are, right smack in the middle of an international adoption. I'll be honest, I feel that tension. The reality of embryos sitting in a freezer in Florida with my name on them is a heavy burden...most days, that's exactly how it feels. But let me back up.

Adopting Garrison was quite possibly the single greatest, most defining event in my life. I feel like an entirely different person now. It feels accurate to divide my life in two, BG (before Garrison) and AG (after Garrison). Now part of that is certainly simply taking on the role of mother. That in and of itself changes every woman whether she expects it and welcomes it or not. Something simply shifts when you become a mom. But for me, it goes far beyond that. Adopting rocked my world on every level. It often feels as if it quite literally shattered my heart. For me, adoption was no longer about family building, instead it became about orphan care. I thought I cared about the orphan before, but now I think about the orphans on a daily basis and my heart breaks for the fatherless.

Another thing that changed for me after adopting was my desire to get pregnant and give birth. Some women adopt and still long for the experience of pregnancy and birth...it doesn't diminish their love for their children who were adopted, but it remains a desire for them. Others no longer carry that dream after adopting. I was 100% sure I'd be in the former camp. There was absolutely no way my desire to carry a child and give birth could ever go away...the desire was just too strong. And then a funny thing happen. I woke up one day and realized it was 100% gone. I say that and I think people thing I'm joking or just trying to be positive. Nope. Dead serious. In fact, I'd prefer NOT to ever get pregnant. For real. The only desire that remains for me is for healing. I still desire the answer to my prayers. I still desire for the Lord to reach down and heal me, not because I want to be pregnant or have a biological child, but because I'd love for that to be a part of my story. Does that make sense? Honestly, what I'd really love is to wake up one day with the knowledge that God had healed me and then I'd never test Him on it. "Cool. Thanks. I appreciate that. Now I'd like to not get pregnant, mmm-kay? Thanks." that's how I imagine our conversation would go.

And that my friends is a really interesting place to sit with four embryos in the freezer. In fact, it's a kind of yucky place to sit. I have these embryos that I feel responsible for, and yet, I don't really want to transfer them at this point. Yuck, right? I told you, it's not a good place to sit. We personally don't believe in discarding them or donating them to research and they are far, far too poor of quality to donate. The reality is that the odds are high that I will not get pregnant from the embryos. We know that and the doctors have agreed. We went down and spoke with the doctors at FIRM almost two years ago and they confirmed that the odds were low. Not non-existent, but low...I tend to lower the percentages of any Reproductive Endocrinologist a good twenty percent, so we're talking seriously low. So why won't I just transfer them and be done with it? Well, because it feels pretty gross to think about taking meds and stepping back on to the roller coaster all to hope that it doesn't  work. Ewww. It's not the same as just hoping the pregnancy test will be negative after unprotected sex, at least, it's not the same to me. It's hoping that the embryos don't survive. Ughh. That's tough. And until I can get my head in a place where I am open and receptive to a pregnancy, I don't feel good about opening that door again. Until I can say that I'm at least open to the idea of a pregnancy, I don't want to step anywhere near the roller coaster that is infertility treatments, let alone strap myself in.

So that's one part of it; I don't really want to be pregnant. The other part is that I desperately want to adopt again. Adoption is absolutely, without a doubt NOT the only way that we can care for orphans. In fact, I feel so very strongly that orphan care does not, cannot begin with adoption. Orphan care starts with orphan prevention. But, with that being said, I do believe in adoption. I believe that "God sets the lonely in families." I believe that believers are called to care for the orphan. And while I do not believe that it is the responsibility of the infertile couple to step torward for adoption, I do believe that infertility is a part of my story so that I would be directed towards the path of orphan care.

Over the last several years, I've followed several adoptive mamas on Instagram and as I thought and prayed and researched, I felt a strong desire to adopt from China, specifically from the waiting child list. We are overjoyed at the prospect of adopting a child with special needs into our home and we are thrilled to bring a child from China into our home and call them son or daughter. Truly, this is our plan A at this point and we could not be more excited for this opportunity!

With that said, we do still plan to return to Jacksonville following this adoption. I don't know what that looks like or how I can move from where I am today to a place of desiring a pregnancy without falling back into the crazy. I'm not sure exactly what steps I need to take to get my head on straight in terms of infertility treatments, pregnancy, biological children...all of that, but I know that I'm willing to take the steps to be ready and I know that we are committed to seeing that our embryos have the chance we promised them over three years ago. For now, we wait and pray that the Lord will bring us to and through the Chinese adoption experience. We are excited for the days, week, months, and even years ahead.

The Nitty Gritty Details

Thank you all for sharing in our joy. We are so excited about our newest adoption journey. It has already proven to be one heck of a ride, but that just makes the story that much sweeter. We're fielding lots of great questions post announcement. The most common are "When will you travel to China?" and "Are you raising money?"

To the first...let's table that, shall we? The easiest answer is that we don't know. I hope to provide a bit more insight into that and into our process soon. As to the second, to each and every person who has asked, I could seriously hug your neck. Gosh, we're grateful! Fundraising is a super humbling experience. It's a little bit embarrassing and way outside of my comfort zone to ask for help, let along help in the form of financial gifts. But as I've spent more time in the adoption world, I've seen that for so many, it is a joy to give to so that orphans may be called sons and daughters. We are so thankful that the gift of money connects us all and that we can all take part in adoption in different ways.

The short answer is yes! Absolutely, we will be fundraising! The estimated cost for an adoption through Lifeline Children's Services (our agency) for China at this time is just shy of $35,000. That doesn't include a few additional costs that we've already had (hello psych evaluation, I'm looking at you!). My guess is that we'll land closer to $37,000 once all is said and done. I know that number can be staggering, but I hope it's also viewed in perspective. Many, if not most, domestic infant adoptions end up costing close to, if not more (or A LOT more) than that and this number includes our travel costs to China. While it is a daunting figure, let's keep in mind that there are many, many, many things being paid for. SO many people have a role to play in this process. When I think about the sheer number of people I'm in contact with at our agency, the number suddenly seems pretty understandable.

We are currently working to get our fundraising set up with Lifesong for Orphans, a nonprofit ministry that helps adoptive families with the finances for adoption. If approved, we'll have a way for people to quickly and easily donate tax free. We're estimating that this will be available sometime in September, but until then, we're paying for everything out of our adoption account. "You have an adoption account?" you may ask. Yep. Ever since we started saving for Garrison's adoption we've had a separate savings account for adoption. We left it open when we completed Garrison's adoption. Adoptive parents can file for a tax credit after completing an adoption. At the time of Garrison's adoption, the tax credit was for $13,400. We received the full tax credit over two years. We carefully put every penny of that money directly into the savings account. At the time we started this adoption, the adoption tax credit, plus the money we saved and added to it gave us a total of just over $17,000.

It's a long way to go, for sure, but friends, I'm so confident. The Lord was so, so good to us in our adoption of Garrison. Our friends, family, and people I've never met gave so generously. I 100% know that this is a doable thing. We can earn, save, and raise another $20,000. We absolutely can! I will certainly update once we have a giving option set up. In the mean time, we're taking Dave Ramsey's advice to sell so much stuff, the kids think they're next. :)

You may also have heard or seen that I took an odd leap of faith (for me) and decided to become an Ambassador for Noonday Collection. Noonday Collection has long been my go-to for jewelry and my favorite place to shop with a purpose as they are a fair-trade company. In May, I decided to become an Ambassador to help fund our adoption...but I wasn't ready to tell you that then. :) 100% of the profit I earn as an Ambassador of Noonday is going directly into our adoption account...seriously, it's direct deposit. So as we approach the holidays please consider shopping for your sister, mother, friend, or best of all, for yourself by shopping Noonday with me as your Ambassador. Not only will you be supporting Operation Baby Greavu #2, but you're also helping support vulnerable communities by providing a marketplace for them. Noonday works with  businesses through fair trade, empowering them to grow sustainably and to create dignified jobs for people who need them. And if you're local, let's do a trunk show! I earn money for our adoption and you earn FREE jewelry! That's a win!

As usual, I'm blogging less than I intended. By the time I get all of the posts that are planned in my head together, I'll likely be in China...for real. Thanks for all of your encouragement to keep blogging even when the days turn to weeks and, ahem, months between posts. I love this space. My life just calls me away. Until next time, much love.

Loved From Afar

For those of you that follow me on social media, you probably heard the news yesterday. For the rest of you: We're Adopting...again.

This will have to be several posts (which is kind of terrifying...must. write. more.), but today, I just wanted to give everyone the basic details.

First of all, we're going international this time. I'll explain our heart behind this decision in more detail later, but ultimately for us it came down to a few things. For one, international adoption was always a part of our plan. Way before infertility or miscarriage, our plan was to adopt internationally. Secondly, last time, when we adopted Garrison, I was desperate for a newborn. Seriously desperate. I wanted the whole experience. If I'm being 100% honest, the hardest thing about accepting Garrison's file for me was that he was already here...8 days old. At that stage in my life 8 days felt OLD. Bless. Now, I feel totally different. Don't get me wrong. I love to snuggle some babies, but I don't need an infant in the same way. But mostly, there are thousands of people waiting to adopt infants in the US. It is rare that an infant is not adopted if placed for adoption in the United States. However, that is not the truth in other parts of the world.

So where are we going? In case you don't recognize the country pictured above, it's China! It's been a roller coaster of sorts all ready, but China is a good fit for our family for various reasons. We meet all of the requirements (well, sort of) and the required in country stay is doable. For us, the in country stay is the hardest part of the requirements. Brazil is 5-6 weeks. Ukraine is 6-9 weeks. China is 10-14 days, much, much more feasible for our family. China was also always part of "the plan." Way back when, we said we hoped to adopt a little boy from Africa, likely Ethiopia or Uganda, and a little girl (because obviously) from China. When we started talking about adopting again over a year ago, China was the most natural choice and our research confirmed that this continued to be a good choice for our family.

At this time, our home study is complete. It's been a long four months filled with appointments, evaluations, and all of the other things that go along with a home study. Our next step is our dossier. Once complete, it will be sent to China (also known as DTC-dossier to China). International adoption has as many acronyms as the infertility world...it seems like a foreign language at first, but now I can carry on full conversations about LID (log in date) and PA (pre-approval) and LOI (letter of intent). Adopting from China is very different from domestic infant adoption, so if you're already confused about the process and how far along we are, well, join the party. This link provides a fairly simple but comprehensive explanation to the various paths available for Chinese adoptions. For reference, we're at 2a...lots and lots and lots left to do!

We are open to either a boy or a girl, which means that the odds are that we will bring home another son. No, that's not a typo. If you're not connected to the China adoption community, you likely believed that girls are far more common than boys. While that was once true, it is no longer accurate. We also know that the child will be younger than Garrison, but that's our only age stipulation. While we know people who have adopted out of birth order, we have chosen to keep Garrison as our oldest child. We are however open to what is known as artificial twinning, basically children that are closer in age that 9 months. As long as Garrison is older by one day, we're good to go.

That pretty much catches you up to date on the logistics of everything to date. I will do my very best to blog more regularly throughout this process. I'll end by saying this: we are ecstatic and overjoyed that this is our life and we feel so blessed to have the opportunity to adopt one of China's precious children. We may not know what our son or daughter looks like, but we have full confidence that he or she is already here on earth and in need of a family. He or she is already SO LOVED from afar. We cannot wait for each and every step along this journey (well, maybe not the flight). More to come, friends. Thank you for sharing in our joy.

Two Years to Love

It's a little laughable to even say I blog anymore. More accurate would be to say that I occasionally sweep some of the cobwebs off. With this in mind, Garrison turned two back in February. It boggles my mind that I've known this little love for two whole years, and yet, in some ways, I can hardly remember life without him.

Most. Handsome.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubs, Little Love, Nugget, G

Pretending we aren't afraid of nibbling fish.

Stats: I'm over it. He's little. Everyone is just going to have to deal. I've worked my butt off to get calories in his body and meat on his bones. At his two year visit he was 22 lbs 8 oz and 33.75 in. He wears 18 month clothes in everything but rompers and one piece PJs. He needs a little more length in those.

The sweetest little face.

He has 16 teeth, all but the second molars. I honestly believed he'd get those early too as he was so early getting all of his other teeth, but so far, nada.

First boat ride.

Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool

Eating: He still eats well, as in, he's not picky, but oh. my. gosh. is he slow. He is so distracted by everything. The dog. The cat. The light. The fork. The cup. The fork in the cup. A new paper towel. It's endless. I try not to get frustrated, but geeeeeez.

First haircut. Neither of us were too sure about this.

The CUTEST puppy ever.

Sleeping: Jesus loves me, this I know, for my kid sleeps through the night. Going to bed is not super easy right now. I'm not sure if he's scared or just stubborn, but he's not interested in going to bed even if he's exhausted. Once he's down though, he's out. He so very rarely wakes up in the middle of the night and always goes back to sleep quickly without help. I have to wake him up almost every morning, and boy is he maaaadddd. This one is going to be interesting come teenage years. He goes to bed at 8 and, if allowed to sleep in, will regularly sleep until 8:15 or 8:30. He does not nap well though. Naps are pure torture. I'm not ready to give up though because naps are PRECIOUS to me.

A boy and his toys on Christmas morning.

G: Mom, why are you always taking my photo in the bath?
Me: Because it's the only moment you sit still. 

Likes: Oh gosh, he likes everything he's not supposed to like. Coloring on the floor. Coloring on the table. Hitting animals or people with sticks, bats, etc. He's OBSESSED with dogs. He's also become quite excited about trucks, tractors, planes, trains, etc. Oh and he loves stickers. Loves them. Oddly enough, he thinks stickers only belong on a person's back (that's where ID stickers go at church), so he is constantly putting stickers on my back. He likes everything physical. Running. Jumping. Sliding. Flipping. He always has scrapes, bumps, bruises, cuts, etc. I'm used to it by now.

"Dog."
That's what he's saying. Count on a field of dogs to distract this kid mid photoshoot.

Dislikes: Clothes. Or at least the clothes I pick. He likes shirts, but only soft T-shirts. No button-up shirts. He doesn't like shorts or pants at all. He doesn't like being told no, being inside, or being in timeout.

Exactly when did you grow up?

Looking forward to: Spring, summer and fall. My little love prefers to be outside every minute of the day, so nice weather and longer days make for a muuuuchhh happier G. I'm ready to open the pool and enjoy lots of sunshine with my little nugget.

SPRING TIME! We're both shouting for joy!

I'm so thankful for a second year with this precious boy. He brings so much light and laughter and joy into my life. The Lord was so merciful and kind when he gave me Garrison.

The Birthday Boy. This might be my favorite photo ever.
This is exactly how I see him in my mind.

Easy Adoption

Oxymoron, right? Adoption isn't easy. In fact, it's down right hard. I often get asked if I think adoption should be easier. That's a big question encompassing a lot of possibilities because the process of adopting can be complicated by many different variables.

Sometimes the cost of adoption is the difficult part. Abba Fund, an organization providing adoption assistance, states that "33% of Americans consider adoption. 79% of those are concerned about the costs, the biggest deterrent. Less than 2% adopt." Numbers like that prove that the cost of adoption is a truly difficult piece of the adoption journey. International adoptions range in cost from about $20,000 to $50,000 depending on agency, country, and travel requirements. Domestic adoptions vary wildly in costs as there are many factors including the age of the child and whether an adoption agency or state organization is involved. An adoption of an older child from foster care can be practically free while an infant adoption via an agency can reach $60,000. Believe me, I've seen numbers like that and thought about choking. Ethical considerations swirl around the subject of expenses within adoption. What constitutes "reasonable living expenses" that can be covered for a birth mother and what crosses the line into paying for a child? It seems like it should be a very black and white, definitive line, but you'll find hundreds of opinions within the world of adoption. But if there are so many orphans in the world, shouldn't it be cheaper to adopt?

Another complicating factor of adoption is the approval process, also known as the home study. Whether adopting privately, through an agency, through foster care, or from across the world, a home study is required before a judge will finalize an adoption. The process is rigorous. Lengthy questionnaires looking for details on everything from your childhood relationships with family to your beliefs on corporal punishment must be completed. Multiple interviews with social workers take place. A literal home inspection looking at and inspecting anything and everything must occur. I've heard of some people who were required to open sock and underwear drawers and display the contents of their medicine cabinets. The home study is at best intense, and at worst, overwhelming. Some people think the process is far too invasive. I mean, if there are so many orphans in the world, shouldn't it be easier to adopt?

It's a complicated and convoluted world in adoption. Can adoption be cheaper than it often is? Absolutely. Are there unethical adoption agencies, attorneys, and birth families out there racking up huge profits off of adoption? Yes. Can the process of approving individuals and families for adoption be more efficient, intentional, and less abrasive? Definitely. Are there awful circumstances in which people get certified to adopt or foster and go on to abuse children? Yes. Is any of this easy to solve? No.

One of the most common questions I get asked is phrased like this: "if there are so many orphans in the world, why is it so hard to adopt?" Most often, the long wait is the most frustrating part of their question. That's the root of the pain. They stepped into adoption accepting the cost and the approval process, but they were unprepared for the very complex and painful wait. Shouldn't it be more simple? If A wants a child and B is a child needing a forever family, shouldn't we be able to put A and B together quickly since both are waiting for one another?

In terms of an adoption through the state (i.e. that state's version of child protective services), the state's goal (and rightfully so) is always the best interest of the child. And most often it is decided that it is within the child's best interest to ultimately live with his or her birth family. That may not be possible today (cue entry into the foster care system), but the hope is that tomorrow (or the day after, or six months from now) the child can be reunified with his or her first family. That ultimately looks like a long wait. The state intervened for a reason and that reason isn't fixed overnight. The birth family has to be given the opportunity and time to change the circumstances.

In terms of international adoption, the children up for adoption are just that, available to be adopted, so it seems that the process should be that much easier and faster. There's no period of time spent waiting for the parental rights to be terminated and going back and forth through the courts. However, it is often still a lengthy process. There is a ton of red tape. Buckets upon buckets. For example: Did you know that even if you've previously been fingerprinted for an adoption, a subsequent adoption requires that you be fingerprinted again? What the what? Do they think your fingerprint changed? On top of all of the bureaucratic regulations in place to keep children safe, there are simply the logistical issues of two countries working together to agree on one thing. Turn on the news and you'll see that this very rarely happens. Often there are language barriers which in and of itself adds time to the process as every document submitted by the sending country has to be translated by the receiving country. I've heard of expedited circumstances in which the child would likely die if left in the home country, but typically the process takes months if not years to complete.

And then there's domestic infant adoption. This one is also unique. Whether waiting to adopt through your state or through a private agency or by finding a birth mother on your own, there is a wait involved. At the very least, you're waiting for the baby to be born, but typically you're waiting for a match, then waiting for the baby to be born, and then waiting for the termination of parental rights. Anyone who has experienced a failed adoption would tell you this wait is treacherous and not for the faint of heart.

So let's return back to the question. If there are so many orphans in the world, why is it so hard to adopt? There are certainly really, really hard parts of adoption. But honestly, as I mentioned before, that question often stems from a place of frustration with the wait. Can we be real with one another for a moment? The wait is often for a healthy child. The younger the better. The healthier the better. And all too often, the whiter the better...especially in domestic adoption. There are MILLIONS of children waiting for adoption right now, but they are older, they have more complex and severe medical needs, or they aren't Caucasian. That's the truth of the matter. I know what you're thinking: "umm, hello Amanda. Didn't you adopt a freaking gorgeous baby boy with blonde hair and blue eyes?" Yep. I did. I'm the first to admit that I desperately wanted an infant. I really wasn't even open to a young baby...I wanted a newborn. We were open to any race...his fair skin, blonde hair, and  blue eyes weren't traits we were looking for. It just happened. And he's healthy. There were some early medical issues that we didn't know the extent of, but so far they have all proven to be non-issues. So I'm the first to raise my hand and say that I adopted a healthy infant. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, there are many things that are beautiful and so right about that. I just think we have to be honest with ourselves. When we express frustration that "there are so many orphans in the world," let's make sure we're being honest with ourselves that the large portion of those orphans are not healthy infants.

So why is adoption so hard? Well, for all of the reasons mentioned above. The home study is hard. Funding an adoption is hard. Waiting is hard. However, I think the wait is part of it. It's an important part. It's a frustrating, torturous, heartbreaking part. But for me, it was the part where my heart finally began to align with the Father's. It was the part where some healing began. It was in those quite, still, hard moments that I began to see my story as more than mine...that there was more to all of this than my entitlement to have a child of my own. It's easy to say all of this and see all of this in hindsight. And wow...I would NOT say this to someone in the wait. In the wait, you say this sucks. In the wait, you buy chocolate and flowers and coffee. But with distance, the waiting part becomes this season of molding, of melding, of preparation for the journey ahead.

Again, this is all easy to say and write on this side of adoption. I fully recognize and know that if we step back into the adoption journey nothing will be east. The home study will be unbearable. The fundraising part and saving part will be humbling and extremely difficult. And the waiting part will be grueling. But I pray that this time around, I'd see the forest and not just the trees, so to speak. When I begin to question, "why is this so hard?," I pray I'd remember that there is purpose in all of it. In the money spent. In the forms filled out and the boxes checked. And always, always in the wait.

Life Lately

I just knew when in the depths of infertility that I would still blog if ever there was a post-infertility chapter of life. I think for many infertility bloggers, the urge to blog somehow dissolves after kids. There was this need, this burden to get it all out, to write it all down, to share when in the midst of the waiting. And then of course, there's the obvious excuse that life is just a lot more busy once kids enter the picture. I have sort of fallen captive to both scenarios.

This year has been hard. Really, really hard. One of the hardest years of my life, and for those who lived through the infertility years with me, you know that's saying something. It seems that I would have a lot to write about in such circumstances, but for whatever reason, the motivation is just difficult to find. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I want to simply zone out and watch Gilmore Girls the moment my high-energy little buddy succumbs to sleep. However, to a large degree, the lack of blogging has more to do with a lack of words. I don't even know what to say. How much to share. I still have a desire to adopt again, and on some level I'm afraid to share something that might deter someone from approving us for the adoption process again should they find this blog, so it has been hard to know how much and what to share.

For one, this year has been filled to the brim and overflowing with anxiety. I have dealt with anxiety my whole life, on and off. Some seasons have been worse than others (I'm looking at you middle school years). I have previously experienced panic attacks and knew that anxiety could be pretty awful. I have been on and off of various medications throughout my life since I was about 11 years-old, so I've experienced that process as well. Most of my anxiety was during my preteen and teen years, but I have certainly had bouts with the beast as an adult too. Nothing, and I do mean nothing I had previously experienced prepared me for this year. Anxiety roared into my life like a mighty lion and set up camp. I quickly ran for medication realizing early on that this was not something I would be able to master on my own. Unfortunately, for the first time in my adult life, medication has barely taken the edge off. I've entered into the world of counseling again, and I'm hopeful that there is an after to this episode of intense anxiety, but so far, I'm still stuck smack dab in the middle of it.

In addition, a couple of months ago, my father passed away very unexpectedly. You won't find mention of my father much on this blog. We had a very difficult relationship and much of our past was tumultuous to say the least. However, it is never easy to lose a parent and these last months have been hard on so many different levels. As his only legal child (my brother is his step-son), I have taken on the responsibility of administering his estate. Sheesh. People, hear my plea: Get your crap together. Get a will. Get it sent through probate court. Let multiple people know where you keep copies of your will. Get life insurance. And if you give a flying-flip about what happens to your body when you die, make sure that it's written down and that people know about it. If you have some of that junk, but you haven't updated it in a while, GO UPDATE IT. And for the love of all things holy, help your parents get their junk together. Do not allow your parents to leave you a mess. Do not leave the people you love with a mess. Get your stuff in order.

Between the anxiety of, well my very special brain, and the stress of losing my dad and dealing with his estate, the last few months have just been hard. But there's a lot of really, really, good stuff too. Garrison is almost  22 months old. That's just too mind boggling to really understand at this point. It dawned on me last week that I probably need to start thinking about a birthday party in the next few weeks. But didn't we just have one? It seems particularly unreal to think of him as a two-year-old.

"I eat."

He is BURSTING at the seems with life and opinions. His language has exploded over the last couple of months, so now he has the ability to share much of this with us and it's typically just the funniest thing you've ever heard. He's EXHAUSTING at this age. I have absolutely no idea how his teachers at daycare don't simply drop at the end of the day because I'm so ready for bed the minute his head hits the mattress. I think a large part of his exhaustiveness, at least to me, is his extroverted nature. I am, and will always be, introverted to the depths of my being. I can sit calmly and quietly for long stretches of time and say nothing...I'm not unhappy or sad; I'm resting and soaking in the quiet and stillness. There is no quiet or stillness with Garrison. I assume that's mostly true with any toddler, but he seems to be particularly so. He is on the go--constant movement, constant noise--from the moment he wakes up until he simply drops. The moment he's asleep I just want to sit in the quiet and breathe. However, in the midst of all of the movement and noise, there's a whole lot of love. He's learned to give really good hugs and he gives the sweetest little kisses you've ever seen (it's not really a kiss, but more of a touching of cheeks).

"Mommm, stop taking photos for my senior yearbook already."

He continues to have big, big feelings just as he did when he was a baby. Things are either the best-thing-ever or absolutely the saddest-most-miserable-most-unacceptable-thing-ever. There is absolutely no in between. With opinions like that, you can imagine that his love and dedication to the things that he enjoys is intense. He currently loves his "bee-dee," or his word for blanket. Thus far, he's impartial to which blanket...he wants ALL the blankets. Folding laundry is a joke. He steals every single dadgum blanket out of the pile before I get a chance to hide them. He also LOVES dogs. All dogs. Big ones. Small ones. Mean ones. Old ones. He has never met a dog he didn't love and his love is shown by simply trying to smother the dog in hugs of adoration.

"Outside" is his most favorite place in the whole world.

He is still a tiny little nugget. At his most recent sick visit, he was 21 lbs 10 oz with clothes and boots on, so I'm guessing he's barely 21 pounds. He's starting to get a little picky with food. He's not a fan of many meats these days and he's starting to turn his nose up at some veggies. His favorite food is by far cheese. That's what he asks for first thing every morning. "Eat! Eat! Cheese!" Bless him. So not my biological kid. I hate cheese and he eats it by the fistful. We'll definitely be adding Pediasure back into his diet for the winter to help offset all the sick days. He's also very particular about the temperature of his food. The range of room temperature to cold is acceptable. Anything approaching lukewarm will get a loud exclamation of "hot" and a refusal to try another bite for a good five minutes. Some days I wonder why we cook food at all. He'd prefer leftovers straight out of the fridge.

All in all, I continue to be blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Even in the midst of the really hard parts, life is sweet. My boys are good to me and I'm forever thankful that I get to do this twisty-turny, broken thing called life with them.

Loving the Life I Didn't Choose

For the last five years I've had a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks during early September. In 2011, it was the day I received my first and only positive pregnancy test and I felt so guilty for the caffeine as 1,000 what-ifs ran through my devastated mind. For the next four years I drank that latte in memory of what might have been. It was a way to pause and remember my first child who was shed from my body far too soon.

This year, I didn't do that. In fact, I barely recognized that the date had come and gone. I was playing on the beach with my son. Our vacation was glorious and deserves a whole post to itself (that I might get together by Christmas). But it was a poignant moment for me to realize that I was too busy loving the life before me to remember the life I wanted. 

I've always struggled with the idea of being thankful for hard things. Well, that's not true. It's a specific hard thing. It's death. To be thankful for death is just a hard concept for me to grasp, especially the death of a child, be they born or still in the womb. Throughout the years, I would hear people say, "I'm so thankful things worked out this way. Otherwise, I wouldn't have (fill in the blank)."  That has always been hard for me to process. To be thankful for the miscarriage or stillbirth of one child which allowed you to later have a different child. I've always clung to my theory of both. I've said I want both. I've refused to be thankful for that first miscarriage even though it eventually led me to my son. I rationalize that I would have wanted both. I would have wanted that first child (and each of the others) and I would also want my son. But if I'm honest with myself, it's very, very, very unlikely that I would have Garrison if I had given birth in May 2012 and everything had gone according to my plan. Sure, we always said we'd like to adopt. But the adoption plan was never for a blue-eyed infant from Florida four years later. 

How do you love the life you didn't chose? For a long time, that was really, really hard for me. There were years where I simply didn't like my life. Sure I was thankful that I was alive, but actually like my life? It was too easy too look around and say, "that is the life I want." I wanted the life I had planned. I couldn't see the possibility of anything good, let alone better. I've learned to love this life I didn't chose. And not in a "this is the best I can hope for," or Plan B kind of way, but in a "I couldn't have dreamed it better" kind of way.

But therein lies this tension. Garrison is mine and I am his because of "unfair" circumstances. Infertility ran over my life like a runaway train and I screamed about the unfairness through the whole journey. My son doesn't know this yet, but his circumstances were unfair too. It's weird to mourn the loss and pain while simultaneously being incredibly grateful that we're all together because of it. It's an odd thing to wish I could remove the pain and hurt that these years have caused while recognizing that without this pain and hurt, the journey would not have led us together. It's weird to think that I would have missed him if I'd gotten what I wanted all those years ago. But admitting I prefer this life, feels like saying I'm glad my first children died. You see? There's this tension. 

I have no neat bow to tie all of this up. No words of wisdom. No answer to the tension. All I can leave us with is this quote from a really fantastic book that I've been reading and rereading, trying to soak in as much as possible from a fellow infertility survivor. Melanie Dale, author of It's Not Fair writes this, "after years of telling God it's not fair, I can now say that I'm grateful for my struggle. I would never tell someone else to be grateful for theirs. We can't tell people in pain to be grateful. That would be the highest cruelty. But over time, after having raw conversations with God and acknowledging the life unfolding around me, I see the beauty of his creation. It's not fair. It's different than fair." So while I learn to live with this tension of desperately loving this life I didn't chose, while mourning the life I thought I wanted, all I can say is I'm grateful. Oh so very grateful for a God who holds this tension with me and leads my family on this journey with love and compassion, strength and security. I'm thankful for the journey and thankful for the one who journeys with me.