I'm not going to keep you in suspense. This is a post that I hoped I would never have to write. The news is not good. Dr. Duffy called this morning with the report. I started sobbing early in the conversation, but this is what I think he said:
1- 5 cell
2- 4 cell
2- 3 cell
2- 2 cell
A day 2 embryo should be 4 cells, which means more than half of mine are behind. He also mentioned that the 5 cell is already a grade B, so he's not very optimistic that it's the leader. Of the 13 eggs retrieved, only 8 were mature. They successfully fertilized one of the immature eggs, but it has since died. As has one of the mature eggs. That leaves me with 7 total embryos. Essentially, what this all means is that my babies are dying. They of course don't call it that... the medical term is arrested development, but that's not what it feels like. It feels like my babies are dying.
His recommendation is to move ahead with a day 3 transfer. I debated a 3 day transfer all along, so you would think that I'd be fine with this. But I'm not. I'm not because I wanted to transfer on day 3 (possibly) just because it was best for the embryos to be in the natural environment rather that in the lab. I never wanted to be recommended a day 3 transfer because they don't think they'll make it to a day 5... that feels really different. It feels really awful. He also mentioned that we should start thinking about transferring 3. Before anyone reading this gets excited that my doctor will let me transfer 3 and has beautiful images of triplets in mind, let me assure you, he doesn't recommend transferring 3 because he wants me to have triplets (or even expects me to), he makes the recommendation because he's not sure transferring 2 will give me a good shot at a viable pregnancy.
I never thought I'd be here.
He called my embryos "fragile".
My babies are dying.
I can't even describe where my head is right now... I guess it's in the lab where the result of our money, blood, sweat and tears are fighting for life. Where my fragile embryos fight to simply divide one cell into two. My heart is in that lab too. Broken into so many pieces I'm not sure that I'll ever find them all... part of my heart will probably always remain in the embryology lab where our embryos fought and lost.
We're meeting with Dr. Duffy in the morning before the transfer to get an updated report and to discuss what we should do. I obviously want to know if he has any idea what the issue is. 7 embryos fighting for life is a far cry from the place everyone predicted I'd be.... making babies and freezing future siblings.
One million thoughts have gone through my head since I received that call. Things like: "we should go straight to CCRM" and "we'll never be able to afford CCRM". Other things like: "I don't think we can do this again" and "maybe adoption is our next step". The one thing that I can say for certain is this: everyone criticizes me of being a pessimist. I call it being a realist, but whatever, the name doesn't matter. In this, in IVF and our chances, I was an optimist. I may not sound optimistic and that's because I don't want to get other people's hopes up... it's bad enough to deal with my own disappointment, but adding in everyone else's is just too much. So I use "pessimism" as a defense mechanism. I share the sad, terrifying, awful stories of my friends so that no one expects too much, but I never really expected those stories to be mine. I really expected to get 20+ eggs; to fertilize 12 eggs, and freeze the rest; to see the embryos make it to day 5; and to become pregnant. For days now, I've been thinking about twins. I already had plans for future posts like sharing all the things I did (i.e. no carbs, acupuncture) or how it feels to leave the frozen embryos behind in Jacksonville. I don't care what it looked like, or how it came across, I was optimistic about our chances. Right about now, it feels like I was cocky. And now, I'm officially not.
I never in my wildest dreams thought we'd be here. Not me, the girl with an AMH level of 5+... 2 embryos on track after IVF... that's unheard of. But it's reality. It's the current situation we're in and all we can do is move forward. The easiest course would be to mentally give up, to say these embryos are doomed and start thinking about our next steps. I'm refusing to let me mind go there, to let my heart give up. I serve a God of miracles. There is nothing I can do for them at this point, but He can. I'm not going to give up on them until the end had come.
Transfer is set for 9:15am tomorrow. More to come. Our story is not over.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
The Retrieval
If the abundant like of wit and creativity in the blog title didn't clue you in, today has been rough. I'm not witty, or creative, or really 100% here right now. I've been trapped in a sort of fog... cotton in my head and a lack of neurons successfully crossing the synaptic gap... that's been my day. But I wanted to get a post together to let everyone know that I'm alive and that thankfully I'm feeling better. I credit my long awaited for bowl of Rice Krispies for the improvements.
You may remember from May that I was terrified of the anesthesia needed for the laparoscopy. Like lose my mind once-and-for-all kind of terrified. And that surgery and the anesthesia ended up fine. I woke up, felt mostly normal, took a percocet because I was afraid of pain and slept for about 4 hours. Everything I did that day (drink ginger ale, eat saltines, take pain meds) was from fear of what could be rather than an actual need. So going in to today, I was nervous, but I kept telling myself if I can survive deep anesthesia and full intubation, I could survive this. Well, I survived and that's about all that can be said for the cocktail of meds they gave me today.
It was actually harder to wake up and stay awake. I fell back asleep EVERY TIME the stupid arm cuff released me and woke up EVERY TIME that stupid thing beeped and squeezed my arm. Ughhh. I hate that thing! Everyone told me I'd want to know how many eggs they got as soon as I woke up, but I had no idea why I was even there. Thankfully, I got my favorite nurse today and she was super sweet and let me be pitiful. I knew something was different about this medicine right away because I had the shakes really bad, like almost had to get a nurse to put on my underwear because I couldn't hold my arms steady. It was soooo weird. It's a terrible thing to feel like you can't control your limbs, like your motor skills have abandoned you.
We had to drive about forty-five minutes to the beach house (we left the hotel life behind thanks to some incredibly generous people). About 15 minutes in, I started to feel really dizzy and the beginnings of nausea. By the time we made it to St. Augustine, I was miserable, but just kept telling myself not to vomit. Sam stopped to grab himself some lunch and I just stayed in the car, afraid to move, with the door open and my head in my lap. He showed back up with his Chick-fil-A and I came so close to losing it all over the car. The smell was ungodly. I never thought Chick-fil-A could insight vomit, but apparently it's possible. Somehow I made it back to the house, but that's as far as I made it. Vomit fest ensued. I never get sick and there was nothing in me (no food since 7pm last night), but my stomach pretended not to care. After that, I crashed. I was out from 12ish to 2:30 and then from 2:45 till sometime after 5. I could have slept longer, but I made myself get up and move. It was a good choice because I've felt much more normal since then. No real cramping, spotting, or pain to complain of. I would say I feel sensitive and a little sore, but no pain. It was just the cocktail of meds that did me in today.
My nurse did tell me how many eggs (13) multiple times during recovery. She explained that though they could see 18 follicles going into the procedure, several of mine were empty. I'm thankful I was capable of just nodding that I understood at that point. It wasn't until I got in the car with Sam (they never allowed him back to recovery) that I lost it. Once again, I fully recognize that I should be over the moon with 13, but I'm not. I was (apparently) really expecting 20 eggs. Even when our follicle counts were lower than expected, so many people assured me that there are always hidden follicles, that I'd get more. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. Sometimes you get less. Thirteen obviously is the number of eggs, not necessarily mature eggs... the retrieval doctor mentioned to Sam that he was expecting around 10 mature. I spent the last three months researching and praying about what I should do with 20+ eggs. How many should I freeze as eggs, as pronuclear, as day 2, as day 5... none of that matters anymore. We obviously fertilized all of the eggs.
To say that I am disappointed would be an understatement. I go back and forth between feeling like I let us down, like my body didn't perform up to its capabilities and feeling robbed, like the protocol and the doses just didn't get what my body could offer. One moment I'm mad at myself for failing to perform and the next I'm mad that the doctors were unwilling to push me. This was supposed to be our one and only egg retrieval... one and done, that was our deal. The doubts are already creeping in though and I can hear myself making excuses for why we should try just one more time.
Despite being bummed about the retrieval, I actually am really thankful... I know that sounds weird, disappointed and thankful at the same time, but that's how I feel. Thankful to have 13 eggs that might be mature, that might fertilize successfully, that might grow and multiply well, and that might lead to a bring home baby. It's more than we've ever had before. Today we are closer than we've been in a long, long time to our dream, and for that I'm very thankful.
Obviously, my sadness and happiness teeter on a very narrow divide... everything (for now) hinges on the fertilization report. Speaking of which, I won't hear anything tomorrow. Which is crazy. I've never heard of not receiving a fertilization report the day after retrieval. Instead, my clinic gives a report on day 2, Saturday. They kind of combine fertilization report and transfer recommendation into one day. Saturday, I'll hear how many fertilized, how they're doing, and whether they recommend a day-3 or a day-5 transfer. It's going to be a looonnnnggg time until Saturday morning.
However, if all goes according to plan, I should have a pretty nice distraction tomorrow. Sam surprised me with this news: We're going to Disney World! Ahhhhhh! People, I'm not sure if I can adequately explain my love for Disney World.... like I could have gotten married there if my husband didn't think it was stupid... like I would happily have honeymooned there... like I ordered the vacation planning DVDs when we'd been dating for about a year to try to convince Sam that we desperately needed to go. Unfortunately, Sam doesn't share my over the top love of all things Disney. He always said we'd go once we have kids. Well people, stop the presses, but if all went well today... we've got kids. Granted, they haven't even begun cellular division, but whatever, if that distinction is enough to get me in the gates of Disney, I'll take it. I'm really hoping I feel up to it tomorrow. My nurse said I could return to normal activity tomorrow... I'm not sure if that includes the Magic Kingdom, but I really hope so!
You may remember from May that I was terrified of the anesthesia needed for the laparoscopy. Like lose my mind once-and-for-all kind of terrified. And that surgery and the anesthesia ended up fine. I woke up, felt mostly normal, took a percocet because I was afraid of pain and slept for about 4 hours. Everything I did that day (drink ginger ale, eat saltines, take pain meds) was from fear of what could be rather than an actual need. So going in to today, I was nervous, but I kept telling myself if I can survive deep anesthesia and full intubation, I could survive this. Well, I survived and that's about all that can be said for the cocktail of meds they gave me today.
It was actually harder to wake up and stay awake. I fell back asleep EVERY TIME the stupid arm cuff released me and woke up EVERY TIME that stupid thing beeped and squeezed my arm. Ughhh. I hate that thing! Everyone told me I'd want to know how many eggs they got as soon as I woke up, but I had no idea why I was even there. Thankfully, I got my favorite nurse today and she was super sweet and let me be pitiful. I knew something was different about this medicine right away because I had the shakes really bad, like almost had to get a nurse to put on my underwear because I couldn't hold my arms steady. It was soooo weird. It's a terrible thing to feel like you can't control your limbs, like your motor skills have abandoned you.
We had to drive about forty-five minutes to the beach house (we left the hotel life behind thanks to some incredibly generous people). About 15 minutes in, I started to feel really dizzy and the beginnings of nausea. By the time we made it to St. Augustine, I was miserable, but just kept telling myself not to vomit. Sam stopped to grab himself some lunch and I just stayed in the car, afraid to move, with the door open and my head in my lap. He showed back up with his Chick-fil-A and I came so close to losing it all over the car. The smell was ungodly. I never thought Chick-fil-A could insight vomit, but apparently it's possible. Somehow I made it back to the house, but that's as far as I made it. Vomit fest ensued. I never get sick and there was nothing in me (no food since 7pm last night), but my stomach pretended not to care. After that, I crashed. I was out from 12ish to 2:30 and then from 2:45 till sometime after 5. I could have slept longer, but I made myself get up and move. It was a good choice because I've felt much more normal since then. No real cramping, spotting, or pain to complain of. I would say I feel sensitive and a little sore, but no pain. It was just the cocktail of meds that did me in today.
My nurse did tell me how many eggs (13) multiple times during recovery. She explained that though they could see 18 follicles going into the procedure, several of mine were empty. I'm thankful I was capable of just nodding that I understood at that point. It wasn't until I got in the car with Sam (they never allowed him back to recovery) that I lost it. Once again, I fully recognize that I should be over the moon with 13, but I'm not. I was (apparently) really expecting 20 eggs. Even when our follicle counts were lower than expected, so many people assured me that there are always hidden follicles, that I'd get more. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. Sometimes you get less. Thirteen obviously is the number of eggs, not necessarily mature eggs... the retrieval doctor mentioned to Sam that he was expecting around 10 mature. I spent the last three months researching and praying about what I should do with 20+ eggs. How many should I freeze as eggs, as pronuclear, as day 2, as day 5... none of that matters anymore. We obviously fertilized all of the eggs.
To say that I am disappointed would be an understatement. I go back and forth between feeling like I let us down, like my body didn't perform up to its capabilities and feeling robbed, like the protocol and the doses just didn't get what my body could offer. One moment I'm mad at myself for failing to perform and the next I'm mad that the doctors were unwilling to push me. This was supposed to be our one and only egg retrieval... one and done, that was our deal. The doubts are already creeping in though and I can hear myself making excuses for why we should try just one more time.
Despite being bummed about the retrieval, I actually am really thankful... I know that sounds weird, disappointed and thankful at the same time, but that's how I feel. Thankful to have 13 eggs that might be mature, that might fertilize successfully, that might grow and multiply well, and that might lead to a bring home baby. It's more than we've ever had before. Today we are closer than we've been in a long, long time to our dream, and for that I'm very thankful.
Obviously, my sadness and happiness teeter on a very narrow divide... everything (for now) hinges on the fertilization report. Speaking of which, I won't hear anything tomorrow. Which is crazy. I've never heard of not receiving a fertilization report the day after retrieval. Instead, my clinic gives a report on day 2, Saturday. They kind of combine fertilization report and transfer recommendation into one day. Saturday, I'll hear how many fertilized, how they're doing, and whether they recommend a day-3 or a day-5 transfer. It's going to be a looonnnnggg time until Saturday morning.
However, if all goes according to plan, I should have a pretty nice distraction tomorrow. Sam surprised me with this news: We're going to Disney World! Ahhhhhh! People, I'm not sure if I can adequately explain my love for Disney World.... like I could have gotten married there if my husband didn't think it was stupid... like I would happily have honeymooned there... like I ordered the vacation planning DVDs when we'd been dating for about a year to try to convince Sam that we desperately needed to go. Unfortunately, Sam doesn't share my over the top love of all things Disney. He always said we'd go once we have kids. Well people, stop the presses, but if all went well today... we've got kids. Granted, they haven't even begun cellular division, but whatever, if that distinction is enough to get me in the gates of Disney, I'll take it. I'm really hoping I feel up to it tomorrow. My nurse said I could return to normal activity tomorrow... I'm not sure if that includes the Magic Kingdom, but I really hope so!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Blessed Beyond Measure
On the eve of my retrieval, I can't help but think this: I have been so very, richly blessed. I am so humbled by the outpouring of love and support for Sam and I during our journey towards tomorrow. Infertility is a really rough hand to be dealt; there is absolutely no denying that. But I feel so thankful to be here, to have arrived at this day, to have this opportunity. I could have been born in a different century, heck, a different decade in which IVF wasn't an option... I'm so thankful that I can even attempt this. I could have been born in a different country, a country where I would be shunned for my inability to produce offspring, or a country where I am unable to pay for something like this... I am so thankful for the financial stability and the freedom to pursue treatment. I am incredibly blessed to be right where I am.
In addition, I am so blessed to have such an incredible support system! I have been showered with so much love and support... and so many gifts. Seriously, did someone leak the secret that my love language is gifts? Okay, maybe I shared that, but never in my life have I felt so loved. So many kind, sweet, thoughtful people have reached out to let me know that they care and are thinking of me... it's an incredible feeling and I am truly humbled.
Kara, a precious lady who found my blog and reached out to me during my IUIs in 2012 has been such a treasure to me. She was one of my first legitimate friends that I made via the blogosphere. I hate that you guys don't get to know her like I do, but the good news is that she now holds her miracle... she gave birth this year to a precious baby boy. She's a real gem and someday, I'm going to get to Raleigh to actually meet her and her sweet family.
I've mentioned before that I get the pleasure of working in my church's preschool environment. I have the most beautiful, special group of two year olds that I absolutely love to pieces! But in addition to all the hugs, smiles, and 'I love you's that I get every Sunday, I have the pleasure of serving with some of the most fantastic women I know. I am so blessed that the Lord led me to them... serving alongside them has changed my heart and gifted with me some beautiful friendships!
When my mom came down to stay, she brought her own special care package. Not only that, but mom stabbed me with the needle every night (and morning)! I know she didn't enjoy it any more than I did, but she was a trooper and did a great job! I'm so thankful that she has has been so supportive of Sam and I on this journey. She's pretty special!
My friend Jennie was sweet enough to send an excellent gift! In the midst of the holidays and trying to convince her new son that he does, in fact, like a bottle, she was kind enough to ship me her left over Crinone! So thoughtful and generous!! Jennie is precious and finally welcomed her miracle son this year, but she has been so sweet to continue to cheer me on through our journey! Crinone is EXPENSIVE and after we just shelled out more than twice what we expected on meds, it was a very nice reprieve to not have to make an additional order for progesterone!
And lastly, sweet Suzanne! Suzanne and I couldn't possibly have journeys that look more different... we struggle with completely different issues and it has led us down very different paths. But I could not ask for a sweeter, more kindhearted friend to walk this road with. She is constantly and consistently asking how I'm doing, checking in throughout the week, and cheering me on with every next step. Suzanne is another sweet friend that someday, somehow, I am going to meet!
And it's not just all the gifts... it's the incredible outpouring of love and support that has meant so much to me. Every hug, text message, comment, prayer... they have inspired me so much along the way! So thank you all so, so much for your encouragement!
No matter what happens tomorrow, I am blessed beyond measure. That, however, does not mean that I'm not praying and hoping for even more blessings (I'm greedy that way). Please join me in asking the Lord to bless us richly tomorrow with beautiful, healthy, mature eggs and the start to our future family! I'll give you all an update as soon as I'm lucid!
In addition, I am so blessed to have such an incredible support system! I have been showered with so much love and support... and so many gifts. Seriously, did someone leak the secret that my love language is gifts? Okay, maybe I shared that, but never in my life have I felt so loved. So many kind, sweet, thoughtful people have reached out to let me know that they care and are thinking of me... it's an incredible feeling and I am truly humbled.
Kara, a precious lady who found my blog and reached out to me during my IUIs in 2012 has been such a treasure to me. She was one of my first legitimate friends that I made via the blogosphere. I hate that you guys don't get to know her like I do, but the good news is that she now holds her miracle... she gave birth this year to a precious baby boy. She's a real gem and someday, I'm going to get to Raleigh to actually meet her and her sweet family.
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| Kara sent the world's softest PJ's, a box of decaf teas, and a precious CD of songs that she listened to while she was pregnant! |
Caroline is also such a good friend. It takes a bond like infertility to make Gators and Dawgs play nice, but I can say I'm honestly thankful to be friends with a Gator fan! My IVF cycle lines up almost exactly 11 months from when she started her IVF cycle... but she has been through so much since then. Caroline has had such a rough year, and yet she has been so selfless in supporting me! And today I actually did get to meet Caroline! She was sweet enough to drive from Gainesville to Jacksonville to come hang out and get pedicures! Sadly, neither of us thought to get a picture, but I promise, it happened, and it was LOVELY!
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| Caroline's sweet care package for the retrieval! Some comfy, purple pajama pants, fluffy socks, and Shrek: the movie she watched after her transfer. Hopefully, I'll be sporting these fun socks next Tuesday! |
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| My Waumba team's gift of a soft, fluffy robe (monogrammed), socks, Burt's Bees, Essie nail polish, and a collection of Nicholas Sparks movies! |
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| An overnight Cinda b bag filled with all kinds of goodies like body butter from The Body Shop and a super cute workout outfit! |
And lastly, sweet Suzanne! Suzanne and I couldn't possibly have journeys that look more different... we struggle with completely different issues and it has led us down very different paths. But I could not ask for a sweeter, more kindhearted friend to walk this road with. She is constantly and consistently asking how I'm doing, checking in throughout the week, and cheering me on with every next step. Suzanne is another sweet friend that someday, somehow, I am going to meet!
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| Beautiful flowers from Suzanne to brighten up the space! |
No matter what happens tomorrow, I am blessed beyond measure. That, however, does not mean that I'm not praying and hoping for even more blessings (I'm greedy that way). Please join me in asking the Lord to bless us richly tomorrow with beautiful, healthy, mature eggs and the start to our future family! I'll give you all an update as soon as I'm lucid!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
It's Go Time
Well, my Estradiol levels came back over 3000...3100 something, meaning it more than doubled again. I was allowed to stim last night, but I'm officially cut off now due to my E2 levels. Which means we're moving ahead with a lupron trigger. My personal opinion is that this is unnecessary, but they don't really ask my opinion. I think it has to do with the lack of capital letters after my name. Lame.
They are assuming my E2 is somewhere between 3600 and 4000 today which sealed the deal... no hCG trigger for me. The good news is that my doctor is in fact NOT a moron. I think I'm supposed to assume that based on the fact that he does have a bunch of capital letters after his name, but let's be honest, that doesn't always mean a whole lot. In my research yesterday (just to clarify, when I say research I do not mean message boards, blog posts, or other unofficial sources. I'm using google scholar and wading my way through peer reviewed articles.) I discovered a lot of what I expected... implantation rates are lower and miscarriage rates are much higher after a lupron trigger. From what I can tell, it has to do with the estrogen and progesterone levels. While hCG helps the body to continue producing both, lupron shuts the body down... bad news for a little embryo. The solutions are: 1-freeze all, 2-dual trigger, 3-luteal phase rescue, 4-aggressive hormone replacement.
We're going with number three. Essentially, I'll trigger (twice) with Lupron. Then, at the retrieval, they'll give me 1500iu of hCG. It's typically not enough hCG to allow for hyperstimulation, but it is enough to salvage the body's ability to produce its own estrogen and progesterone. We're also upping the dose of Crinone. It's not really "aggressive" hormone replacement, but it's more than I would have had with an hCG trigger. As I didn't ask for any of this (this was his plan all asking) and my research suggested this was all correct, I've decided that my doctor is not a moron, but rather an intelligent man who knows his stuff. I expect nothing less, but it's nice to have that confidence back.
I definitely still wish that I could do a standard hCG trigger, but whatever. We're moving on. Second guessing every decision I and the doctors have made won't get us anywhere. I trigger tonight (10pm) with the first dose of Lupron and then follow it with the second dose tomorrow morning (10am). I'm also starting Dostinex, which supposedly helps prevent fluid from leaking out of the ovaries, further eliminating the risk for OHSS (like I said, a little zealous in the OHSS dept). Retrieval is set for 9am Thursday morning.
In other news, the Prohibition of All Things Yummy is still going, and I officially hate protein. Blah! If I don't see another chicken breast for a month, I'll be happy. I'm not sure if it's the diet change or the meds, but I've never been less hungry in my life. My stomach is not really upset, more just uninterested. I've been having a hard time for the last few days coming up with a food that sounds good. Once I finally decide on something, I start eating and four bites in, I'm so over it. I keep eating, but I don't think I've finished a meal in three days. Food just makes me gag. The only thing in the world that sounds good is a bowl of plain Rice Krispies, which is super weird... most definitely not my standard cereal. And as I'm fairly sure Rice Krispies are 100% carbs, they aren't on the menu for a few more days. You would think that between no carb eating and just eating less, I'd still be losing weight, but it all stopped about five days ago. Now I'm slowly gaining. Thanks a lot IVF meds!
And lastly, Floridians look about as miserable as I've ever seen them this morning. I'm not sure if it has to do with an FSU victory (I'm terribly close to Gator country) or the cold... my guess is the cold. It was 26 degrees when I woke up this morning... not your standard Florida weather. Thankfully, it's going to warm up just in time for Sam to arrive... Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are in the 70s (don't hate me).
That's about it... Hubby should arrive later tonight. Hopefully we can squeeze a few fun things in while he's here. I would obviously appreciate your prayers going into Thursday. We're hoping for lots of mature, healthy eggs that can grow into beautiful embryos!
Monday, January 6, 2014
Risking Hyperstimulation
Man, I sure do wish I could bottle estradiol. It would be lovely to syphon some of that junk out of my body right about now. I finally got my E2 levels from the past three visits.
Friday, December 27- 29
Monday, December 30- 120
Friday, January 3- 1143
Monday, January 6- TBD
Now I didn't think 1143 was that bad, I mean it's higher than some people, but it's not like it's 4000 or heaven forbid, 6000. But I think the panic set it at the rate of it rising. Research seems to show that if the Estradiol levels more than double in 2-3 days, the risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome is elevated... Well mine significantly more than doubled (more like 10x) in 4 days. So yeah, needless to say Dr. Duffy wasn't super pleased.
At this point he is predicting a lupron trigger (rather than an hCG trigger) on Wednesday with a retrieval on Friday. He's hoping that I can stim at lose doses tonight and tomorrow night. Other options are to trigger earlier (tonight or tomorrow night) or coast a day or two without meds. I am fine with all of the above except the lupron trigger. Dr. Slayden had previously predicted the need for a lupron trigger (he was thinking 20-30 eggs), but he said that he would do a freeze all with a lupron trigger because pregnancy rates are lower after lupron triggers. Another doctor I saw during the hunt for the right clinic agreed with that... freeze all if we need lupron. Dr. Duffy doesn't seem to agree. He wants to do a lupron trigger and then give me just a bit of hCG on the day of transfer for luteal/pregnancy support.
Obviously, I have A LOT to research today... I absolutely do not want to transfer after a lupron trigger is it will jeopardize the success of the transfer. But I also hate the idea of doing a freeze all. Blughhh... If anyone has a method of extracting Estradiol from my blood, I'm all ears.
Now my Estradiol may be skyrocketing, but my follicles are not. There still hanging out at about a 1-2mm growth rate per day... sad trombones.
For comparison, here is Friday's ultrasound results:
Right ovary- 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Left ovary- 6, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 11
Lining- 10mm
Friday, December 27- 29
Monday, December 30- 120
Friday, January 3- 1143
Monday, January 6- TBD
Now I didn't think 1143 was that bad, I mean it's higher than some people, but it's not like it's 4000 or heaven forbid, 6000. But I think the panic set it at the rate of it rising. Research seems to show that if the Estradiol levels more than double in 2-3 days, the risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome is elevated... Well mine significantly more than doubled (more like 10x) in 4 days. So yeah, needless to say Dr. Duffy wasn't super pleased.
At this point he is predicting a lupron trigger (rather than an hCG trigger) on Wednesday with a retrieval on Friday. He's hoping that I can stim at lose doses tonight and tomorrow night. Other options are to trigger earlier (tonight or tomorrow night) or coast a day or two without meds. I am fine with all of the above except the lupron trigger. Dr. Slayden had previously predicted the need for a lupron trigger (he was thinking 20-30 eggs), but he said that he would do a freeze all with a lupron trigger because pregnancy rates are lower after lupron triggers. Another doctor I saw during the hunt for the right clinic agreed with that... freeze all if we need lupron. Dr. Duffy doesn't seem to agree. He wants to do a lupron trigger and then give me just a bit of hCG on the day of transfer for luteal/pregnancy support.
Obviously, I have A LOT to research today... I absolutely do not want to transfer after a lupron trigger is it will jeopardize the success of the transfer. But I also hate the idea of doing a freeze all. Blughhh... If anyone has a method of extracting Estradiol from my blood, I'm all ears.
Now my Estradiol may be skyrocketing, but my follicles are not. There still hanging out at about a 1-2mm growth rate per day... sad trombones.
For comparison, here is Friday's ultrasound results:
Left ovary- 6, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 11
Lining- 10mm
And today's results:
Right ovary- 14, 16, 14, 15, 13, 12, 11
Left ovary- 17, 15, 16, 15, 14, 15, 8, 9, 16, 13, 17
Lining- 10mm
Now Dr. Duffy said that he'd like to reach 18-19mm for most of them before triggering, which would require another 1-2 days before triggering. Prayers for a lowish E2 level today would be much appreciated! I would really like to get the four 15mm follicles to 18mm before triggering.
So that's about it for me. I have less than 36 hours until Sam gets here... I cannot wait! This is the longest we've EVER been apart (slightly pathetic, but whatever) and I'm ready for him to be back in on the action! I'll update with the E2 results and the plan later! Oh, and hyperstimulaters: what were your E2 levels right before triggering?
Friday, January 3, 2014
Slow and Steady
I'm going to preface this entire post with this: I totally realize I sound like an ungrateful jerk. And maybe I am. I can think of quite a number of ladies who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. All I can say is that if infertility has taught me anything, it is that expectations can be hard to overcome. I expected to get pregnant easily at 25... when that didn't happen I felt robbed, betrayed, and pissed. Then I thought I'd get pregnant not so easily at 26, with a lot of hard work and a little patience... when that didn't happen I felt confused and frustrated. Then I thought 27 would be the year and it would take several thousand dollars and a lot of tears... when that didn't happen, well you know, that brings us to here and now. However, if I had known going into my marriage that this is what I should expect, I would have been much more prepared to face it... It's all about your expectations.
My expectations for IVF and my body may have been a bit too grand. I'd like to blame my doctors. Dr. Slayden talked like my biggest struggle would be hyperstimulation... he expected 20-30 eggs to just spring forth on low doses of meds. Dr. Duffy has compared me to a donor from day one. He said he would use his standard "donor protocol" and that we could probably get 20+ eggs without trying. So those were my expectations. I've spent the last three months researching, thinking, and praying about what to do with all of these eggs. Sam and I finally hammered down a protocol for what to do if we have 20 or more eggs. And here I sit, with 17 follicles knowing that some of those will not be mature.
Right ovary (the slacker)- 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Left ovary (the overachiever)- 6, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 11
Lining- 10mm
I know that I should be thrilled. I know that I should be so incredibly thankful. But if I'm being honest, I'm kind of disappointed in myself. Which is totally dumb; it's not like I can control this. I'm not choosing how many follicles should grow and at which speed (because that would be nice). I guess I've recognized that my eggs and my lining were a point of pride for me. "I may not know whether the eggs suck or not, but I can count on them to be bountiful and for my lining to rock"- that's kind of been my thought process for a long time. I honestly don't even know at which point I would be satisfied. I told myself last night that as long as I had 16 follicles, I'd be happy. Well, I have 17 and I'm not. Ughhh. So frustrating. I confessed my pride to the Lord and reminded myself that He is already fully aware how many follicles I will have and if any of them will turn into our children... He is in complete control. It's just hard to remember somedays.
I think I've kind of surprised my doctor too. He keeps talking as if I'm a bomb about to explode... follicles everywhere. Today he started off the consult (pre wanding) with his thoughts. He compares me to an airplane... got to get going fast enough or I'll never get off the ground, but once I'm up in the air, we can drop it waaayyyyy back. And then the ultrasound started and his response- "huh"... I'm guessing he was expecting more too. The lead follicle went from 8mm to 11mm- only 3mm in 4 days. Slightly underwhelming to say the least. After the ultrasound he decided to leave the meds at the higher dose for three more days pending the results of the blood work. Well the blood work came back, and I keep forgetting to ask what my E2 actually is, but it must have been higher than expected... I'm now going with 150iu of Menopur for three more days and 225iu of Gonal-F for two days, and only 150iu on the third. My next monitoring appointment is Monday. I guess we will know more then.
I've been reminded throughout the day from some special ladies that good eggs take time and that less is often more. I'm trying to keep reminding myself that the extra $900+ in medications that I just shelled out today will be worth it for good, healthy eggs. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
My expectations for IVF and my body may have been a bit too grand. I'd like to blame my doctors. Dr. Slayden talked like my biggest struggle would be hyperstimulation... he expected 20-30 eggs to just spring forth on low doses of meds. Dr. Duffy has compared me to a donor from day one. He said he would use his standard "donor protocol" and that we could probably get 20+ eggs without trying. So those were my expectations. I've spent the last three months researching, thinking, and praying about what to do with all of these eggs. Sam and I finally hammered down a protocol for what to do if we have 20 or more eggs. And here I sit, with 17 follicles knowing that some of those will not be mature.
Right ovary (the slacker)- 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Left ovary (the overachiever)- 6, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 11
Lining- 10mm
I know that I should be thrilled. I know that I should be so incredibly thankful. But if I'm being honest, I'm kind of disappointed in myself. Which is totally dumb; it's not like I can control this. I'm not choosing how many follicles should grow and at which speed (because that would be nice). I guess I've recognized that my eggs and my lining were a point of pride for me. "I may not know whether the eggs suck or not, but I can count on them to be bountiful and for my lining to rock"- that's kind of been my thought process for a long time. I honestly don't even know at which point I would be satisfied. I told myself last night that as long as I had 16 follicles, I'd be happy. Well, I have 17 and I'm not. Ughhh. So frustrating. I confessed my pride to the Lord and reminded myself that He is already fully aware how many follicles I will have and if any of them will turn into our children... He is in complete control. It's just hard to remember somedays.
I think I've kind of surprised my doctor too. He keeps talking as if I'm a bomb about to explode... follicles everywhere. Today he started off the consult (pre wanding) with his thoughts. He compares me to an airplane... got to get going fast enough or I'll never get off the ground, but once I'm up in the air, we can drop it waaayyyyy back. And then the ultrasound started and his response- "huh"... I'm guessing he was expecting more too. The lead follicle went from 8mm to 11mm- only 3mm in 4 days. Slightly underwhelming to say the least. After the ultrasound he decided to leave the meds at the higher dose for three more days pending the results of the blood work. Well the blood work came back, and I keep forgetting to ask what my E2 actually is, but it must have been higher than expected... I'm now going with 150iu of Menopur for three more days and 225iu of Gonal-F for two days, and only 150iu on the third. My next monitoring appointment is Monday. I guess we will know more then.
I've been reminded throughout the day from some special ladies that good eggs take time and that less is often more. I'm trying to keep reminding myself that the extra $900+ in medications that I just shelled out today will be worth it for good, healthy eggs. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
So Another Year, Huh?
The years just seem to melt away now. I mean, I can literally remember sitting with Sam on the couch in Augusta on New Year's Eve in 2010... it doesn't seem that long ago. And yet, in some ways, it was a lifetime ago. In a lot of ways, I feel like I've aged a decade since then.
2013 was actually a pretty good year for Sam and I... much better than 2011 (miscarriage) and 2012 (jobless and failed IUIs). In 2013, Sam graduated from MCG with his Doctorate in Physical Therapy. I can't even really comprehend how huge this was for our family. Graduation was the fulfillment of a fifteen year dream for Sam and a lot of hard work and dedication for both of us. We certainly wouldn't be where we are today if not for Sam.
We both got jobs in 2013 which allowed us to really get our finances under control. We paid off all of our debt (minus student loans). And once we were free from credit card debt, we tackled saving for IVF. Those were two huge accomplishments for us and I honestly can't even put into words how thankful I am for the Lord's provision this year. We have been insanely blessed and our sacrifices have led to abundant multiplication time and time again.
2013 brought greater friendships both through the blog and in real life. Sam and I have both felt so supported in our journey by our friends in our small group, through our church, our work... friendships have simply blossomed this past year.
For me personally, this past year brought a quiet peace in the midst of my infertility. The days of feeling an absolute desperation; a frantic need to do more, try more; a desire to hurry everything along just seemed to melt away. The Lord slowly and quietly worked in my heart until I've finally come to a place where I recognize that the Lord is in complete control. It's been a year of subtle changes on an emotional and spiritual level, and I am in a much better place because of them.
And of course, 2013 brought us here: to IVF in Jacksonville. It's still pretty surreal. Last night I was filling in my medication chart when I realized that I've already done 5 days of shots... if I stim for 10 days, I'm already half way there. It just doesn't seem like this could be it, that we could be here.
So 2013 has come to a close. Obviously for Sam and I, 2014 holds a lot of potential. We could be three to four weeks away from a positive pregnancy test. And if the Lord does bless us with a bring home baby from this IVF, we would actually deliver in 2014 too... that kind of blows my mind. So yeah, 2014 has a lot of potential. And not just in terms of building our family but for other things too like paying off more debt and saving for our first home. We are incredibly hopeful for the year ahead and praying that the Lord will continue to bless our little family.
Wishing all of you the best in 2014! May 2014 bring good news and greater blessings to us all!
2013 was actually a pretty good year for Sam and I... much better than 2011 (miscarriage) and 2012 (jobless and failed IUIs). In 2013, Sam graduated from MCG with his Doctorate in Physical Therapy. I can't even really comprehend how huge this was for our family. Graduation was the fulfillment of a fifteen year dream for Sam and a lot of hard work and dedication for both of us. We certainly wouldn't be where we are today if not for Sam.
We both got jobs in 2013 which allowed us to really get our finances under control. We paid off all of our debt (minus student loans). And once we were free from credit card debt, we tackled saving for IVF. Those were two huge accomplishments for us and I honestly can't even put into words how thankful I am for the Lord's provision this year. We have been insanely blessed and our sacrifices have led to abundant multiplication time and time again.
2013 brought greater friendships both through the blog and in real life. Sam and I have both felt so supported in our journey by our friends in our small group, through our church, our work... friendships have simply blossomed this past year.
For me personally, this past year brought a quiet peace in the midst of my infertility. The days of feeling an absolute desperation; a frantic need to do more, try more; a desire to hurry everything along just seemed to melt away. The Lord slowly and quietly worked in my heart until I've finally come to a place where I recognize that the Lord is in complete control. It's been a year of subtle changes on an emotional and spiritual level, and I am in a much better place because of them.
And of course, 2013 brought us here: to IVF in Jacksonville. It's still pretty surreal. Last night I was filling in my medication chart when I realized that I've already done 5 days of shots... if I stim for 10 days, I'm already half way there. It just doesn't seem like this could be it, that we could be here.
So 2013 has come to a close. Obviously for Sam and I, 2014 holds a lot of potential. We could be three to four weeks away from a positive pregnancy test. And if the Lord does bless us with a bring home baby from this IVF, we would actually deliver in 2014 too... that kind of blows my mind. So yeah, 2014 has a lot of potential. And not just in terms of building our family but for other things too like paying off more debt and saving for our first home. We are incredibly hopeful for the year ahead and praying that the Lord will continue to bless our little family.
Wishing all of you the best in 2014! May 2014 bring good news and greater blessings to us all!
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