Merry Christmas to Me

This is going to be brief you guys... I'm exhausted. We literally just got into our hotel room. After three attempts to enter three different rooms, it has been determined that the key card system at the hotel has malfunctioned... only the master key card works. Thank God, that it does or I'd be asleep in the hallway of the StayBridge Suites in Jacksonville... I'm that tired.

Christmas came and went in a flurry as usual. My mom has a big family. Her mother is still living along with four siblings all of whom have children and three of the five siblings have grandchildren now. There were about 30 people in her house last night. My introverted self was exhausted just from that, but add in all the cooking, cleaning, and decorating, well, I'm just not sure how my mom does it. But it was beautiful! And yummy, except, I wouldn't know about that!

We started off Christmas morning at my mom's with just my mom, stepdad, Sam, and I. Sam and I received some lovely gifts from everyone! Most notable were:

Despicable Me 2: first up on the list of movies to watch in Jville

A new nutcracker to add to my collection

You can see that Everest was chilling out Christmas morning as well. What you can't see is that she went CRAZY over a little furry hedgehog thing with catnip inside. Love that little girl. You can also see that I added some awesome infinity scarves to my pajama attire... lovely.

Happy Christmas family-sans Boo Boo

Unfortunately we didn't get the full family. It's hard enough to get a good photo with Sterling, add in Everest and her tendency for red eyes, and well, our family photos usually fail. Just imagine a sweet little fluff ball, okay? And just to prove that we clean up, here's one of us in front of mom's (ah-mazing) tree!

Nine Christmases with this handsome man!

And last but not least, let us not forget the best gift of all:

IVF meds

That's right people, it's almost time. I'm fairly certain this is the most expensive gift to ever grace my home the week of Christmas... so Merry Christmas to me. I'll be back tomorrow with an update after our appointments and when my brain is slightly less frazzled from a 7.5 hour drive.

The Thrill of Hope

The holidays are hard for so many people. They remind you of a difficult childhood, of a broken marriage, or a child gone astray. Christmas somehow so poignantly reminds us of what we don't have, or what we've lost, of what we're missing. It's strange, isn't it? That's certainly not the purpose of Christmas, and yet it happens every year.

For infertile women, Christmas can be incredibly difficult. Christmas seems to be wrapped and twisted and tied up around children, which is wonderful, and beautiful, and so special if you have them. It's when you don't have children, and yet it is your greatest desire to do so, that Christmas morphs into this great big mirror reflecting back to you what you don't have. It's kind of like in Harry Potter with that mirror, the Mirror of Erised... Harry, who has never seen his mother and father together, who has never felt their warm embrace, who has never seen them smile at him, sees his family together again. The Mirror shows him the single, deepest desire of his heart. For an infertile woman, Christmas acts as that mirror. All around us, the families are making memories and starting traditions. Children anticipate Santa, they make reindeer food, bake Santa cookies, read Twas the Night before Christmas; they decorate a birthday cake for Jesus, count down the days, and awake each morning to see where a (creepy) little elf has gone. These are all things that we have wanted to do with our own children for so long, and yet we simply watch other families enjoy these times together. For some, the image is more real for they came so close to the dream. Christmas becomes a marker of "my baby would have been 9 months, or my baby would have been 3 years".

For me, this could have been our second Christmas with our son or daughter... we could have had a nineteen month old child to celebrate with this year. I look at Christmas and I clearly see what could have been. My loss was years ago, and yet at Christmas it is somehow more new, more raw, more apparent than at other times of the year. I can't help but think of my friends who will experience their first Christmas after a loss, be that a miscarriage, a still birth, or a failed adoption. In every situation there was hope that THIS Christmas would be different, but instead it is more of the same with a lot more pain.

And yet despite all the sadness and the pain, for some reason, Christmas also gives us renewed hope. I'm not sure if that has to do with the closing of another year and the hope of the next... kind of a "2013 wasn't what we hoped, but 2014 might be" kind of thing. Or maybe it has more to do with the Christmas story. The birth of Jesus was the fulfillment of a promise made hundreds of years before... maybe it is the idea of fulfilled promises that renews our hope. But hope is hard, oh so hard. It's dangerous. It leaves us vulnerable. It opens us up to new wounds and lays bear our old scars. It is so very difficult to keep hoping year after year. In fact, we often look foolish for hoping for so long. "The thrill of hope"... ironic really. I don't think the Hebrew people would have described waiting as a "thrill". No, it wasn't until the promise was fulfilled that it became a thrill, not until "the weary world" rejoiced that this hope became something to sing about.

For those of you who have been blessed with the gift of a child, snuggle them extra close tonight. I know they're driving you bonkers with the Santa tracker and the carrots for Rudolph. I know that you'll be up at an unholy hour in the morning after putting together some crazy toy with 8,000 parts into the wee hours of the night. But these are the days that memories are made, so make them good.

And for those of you still waiting, still hurting, still praying, I am hoping for you. I am so incredibly hopeful for so many of you that your time is coming. May there be babies and bumps galore this time next year! Abiding with you, my friends!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Single Digits

We are certainly in the single digits now! In fact, we're only five days from leaving for Jacksonville and six days from "IVF Start Date"... so crazy! Last night I looked over at Sam and said, "does it feel like we start IVF a week from today?" He immediately responded "nope"... we're both kind of in shock that it is here, it's time, the meds are in route, the bags are being packed... it's almost our turn.

It feels incredibly surreal. IVF has been what other people do. I've spent the last two years reading the blogs of other women who go through IVF, but never me. For the last 14 months, it has been "the plan", but we have had no real clue when we would have enough money to pursue the treatment. It has been such an incredibly long road to get to this point, but now that it is actually here, it feels like someone else's life.

I'm guessing it will all officially sink in about the time Sam stands before me (with a slight sadistic gleam in his eye) with a syringe of Gonal-F and a needle tip glinting in the lamplight... yea, right about then, I think I'll come to terms with the fact that IVF is officially here.

In other news, The Prohibition of All Things Yummy is going as well as can be expected. Whoever these people are who eliminate sugar for a week and suddenly stop craving, I don't know who they are. I'm definitely not one of them. Actually, I'm still doing okay in terms of sugar cravings which I guess is in part because I'm still eating fruit... if I feel like I'll just die without a brownie, I eat a clementine. Poor substitution, yes, but it seems to do the trick. What I'm really, really craving is salty, crunchy, delightfully yummy carbs. A Chick-fil-A biscuit is still top of my list, but I'd also love some pita chips, pizza... you get the picture. But I've stayed strong... and I'm down almost a full six pounds (5.8 to be exact) since I started almost two weeks ago. The weight loss is not the point at all for me (though who doesn't love to lose a few), but the weight loss helps me to know that I'm doing something right. I just hope I'm doing enough right to bathe my eggs in love, light, and nutritious surroundings rather than the "high glucose environment" they once were.

Other than trying to stick to boring food groups, we're just counting down the days like every other person at this time of year... only this year it's not Christmas we're counting down for. It's kind of a bummer, but Christmas is just one more day we have to "get through" before we get to leave. But it's honestly probably a good thing we have IVF to look forward to and plan for. The holidays are always hard, but this year, it's just not on my mind. I'm not dwelling on how sad I'll be, but rather trying to remember everything I need to pack... IVF is a good distraction! We each have two days of work, Christmas day, and then the drive down to Jacksonville. That is all that stands between us and potential, between us and hope, between us and fear. But I'm as ready as I'll ever be, so let's get this show on the road!

Prayers for the Days Ahead

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm very open about infertility in my real life. I don't introduce myself as "Amanda, the infertile", but if a friend or acquaintance in real life asks about our journey, I'm happy to share. Between the blog, word of mouth, Facebook, etc. I sometimes feel as if every single person I know has heard bits and pieces of our story. With that comes a lot of caring souls... I am incredibly blessed!

Tons of real life friends have asked what they can be praying for in the days ahead. So this post is for you guys:

First of all, I feel like I should probably explain what the heck I'm doing down in Jacksonville. Essentially, we're leaving December 26th for our first appointment the morning of December 27th. From there, my doctor will do an ultrasound, draw some blood and decide on the amount of medication I should start taking. The goal is to make a bunch of good great quality eggs. They can't grow too fast or too slow... it's got to be just right! Obviously, each month a woman's body grows and releases one egg (rarely more than one). Well, our goal is to stimulate my ovaries and kind of "trick" them into creating a lot more follicles (eggs).

I'll do injections nightly for several days and the doctors will monitor me every few days to make sure that my follicles aren't growing too fast or too slow. The goal is to stimulate the ovaries with injections for 10 to 12 days. Once my follicles reach a certain point, I'll add in additional medication to prevent my body from ovulating. Ovulation is the release of the egg, which is normally good, but in IVF, it's very bad. They cannot harvest an egg once it has been released.

Once the follicles get to a certain size, I'll take one last injection to prepare my body for ovulation. Why would we do this if we don't want to ovulate? It seems counter intuitive but the surge of LH hormone is what prepares the eggs, and helps them mature. At that point, I'll await my egg retrieval.

The egg retrieval is done under sedation, so I won't know how many eggs they gather until I wake up. The retrieval is done by withdrawing the fluid contents of each follicle (with the egg inside) into a needle. Once the eggs are retrieved, they are inspected by the embryologist and fertilized in the lab. We will find out our fertilization report (how many eggs fertilized) the following day.

At this point, it is all 100% out of our hands. The embryos will hopefully continue to grow (multiplication of cells) and we will decide in the next day or so on a day three or day five transfer. We will also hear the grade of our embryos and make the final decision on how many to transfer back. As I've stated before, the max is two for us, but we still haven't officially decided.

And that's it! Seems simple enough, right? I will return home after the transfer in a state we infertiles lovingly refer to as PUPO... Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. I'll simply have to wait patiently (hahaha) for the first blood draw to see if an embryo attached and continued to grow!

Okay, so what can you pray for?

1. Wisdom for the doctors. IVF is pretty "standard" in that everyone goes through the basic steps above, but every woman is different, every woman responds differently to the medications, and no one really knows how a woman will respond until they start. So prayers that the doctors make wise decisions on protocols, medication levels, and the big things like when to trigger ovulation are all crucial! 
2. Courage for me. I've stated before that I am terrified of needles. I passed out over a finger prick in my teenage years! Things are better (a million blood draws will do that for you) but for some reason the injections don't seem the same as the blood draws in my mind. I'm lucky that I'm on a pretty low dose protocol when it comes to meds... I'll only need two injections a day. Regardless, I'm scared. And it looks like I'll have to inject myself for 2-3 doses. So yea, lots of courage for that.
3. Patience for Sam and my mom. When I'm not injecting myself, Sam and my mom will have this lovely task. And I'm a baby... I cry, I complain, I yell that he's not doing it right. Lots of patience needed by all.
4. Our babies. I've mentioned before, but as we can't say with 100% certainty when life begins or a soul takes root, we've decided to back the moment up as far as possible... we're considering the embryos our children the moment the sperm and egg meet. So lots of prayers for health for our babies would be amazing!
5. The Lord's will. We are obviously desperate for this to work. We're paying a lot of money, sure, but even more important is that we feel ready. We want a baby. And IVF is it... there are no bigger, better treatments to move on to after this. The only thing to do is to try IVF again. So we really, really, really want this to work... however, we want the Lord's will more. At least, we're trying really hard to want the Lord's will more. Which leads to:
6. Our hearts. IVF will either bring us to our highest high, or our lowest low to date. So prayers for acceptance for Sam and I are extremely important. I'll admit that I sometimes (often) want my way more than God's way, so prayers for my heart to align with the Lord are coveted. We fully accept and know that everything can go perfectly in terms of egg, sperm, uterine lining, etc, but if the Lord doesn't breathe life, we will not succeed. We also fully believe that everything can go terribly wrong, but that our God redeems. Prayers for our hearts to remember both of these things are crucial.

As I mentioned in the last post, the blog will be up and public throughout, so feel free to check in and read the updates. Our prayer requests will probably change as we move throughout the process.And that is it for now! Thank you all so much for agreeing to partner with us in prayer! There is truly no greater gift you can offer us in the days ahead!

Going Dark

I've been debating for days now what to do about the blog and the possibility of a BFP after our upcoming IVF. Many of my blog friends may not know this, but I often post my blog directly to my Facebook page, not a blog Facebook page, my actual, personal Facebook page. Which means that my blog friends read this, people I see at work read this, friends from my church read this, my extended family read this, and people I haven't seen since high school or college read this blog. That's a lot of people to find out about a positive pregnancy test on day one!

There are obviously a couple of options: I could blog about IVF up to and through the transfer but then mysteriously disappear for 10 weeks. The obvious problem there is if it's negative, I'll want/need to keep blogging, so I'd be back immediately. Which would lead to one conclusion: she disappeared therefore she's pregnant… no big secret there.

I could also attempt to make the blog private which would only allow certain people to view posts after IVF. But again, I don't actually want to make the blog private, so I would leave it public if the test was negative, and if someone showed up to see the blog had gone private… hmmmm, question answered.

The other option is of course to simply not post links to the blog on Facebook, but I feel like there are enough inquiring minds out there… they could easily track down an old link to check in if they wanted to. Heck, it's amazing to me that people can spell my name, but the most common search in google that links to the blog is Genuine Greavu… people who want the news will be able to find it.

Lastly, there is of course the option to simply embrace the situation. Anybody and everybody who cares can know the outcome as soon as I post it. This option kind of gives me the willies though.

Even if infertility had never reared its ugly head in my life, I would have been a cautious announcer. I would obviously have told Sam everything, but past that, the plan was always a slow process of telling people. I would have told my mom in some cute way... wrap up a HPT or something. In fact when I got the first digital pregnancy test, I saved it to send to her in the mail (is that gross? oh well, it never happened). After that, I'd have let Sam tell his mom and dad and stepparents when and how he wanted. And after super close family, the plan in my mind had always been 12 weeks... and that was before infertility.

But the truth is, I'll never survive 12 weeks. Too many people know what's going on. There will be too many questions... and why would I not answer if it's negative? It's a secret that IVF failed for 12 weeks?!?!?! Good grief, if IVF fails, I'm hopeful that we will be back for a FET before 12 weeks! I just can't see a way around it... everyone is going to know.

Everyone will know if a home pregnancy test is positive. Everyone will know if our first beta comes out super high. Everyone will know if our second beta doesn't double and I'm crippled with fear. Everyone will know if we miscarry. Everyone will know no matter what the next weeks or months may bring. And that is kind of scary.

However, I went public for a reason with my blog and my story beyond the blog community. I wanted to raise awareness about infertility, I wanted other women who may feel incredibly alone to know that they are absolutely not alone, and I wanted to put a face on infertility. I had incredibly misconceived ideas about infertility before it walked into my life, so I can only assume most people share those same misconceptions. I wanted a place where I could be open and honest about my faith and how infertility has and is affecting it. And ultimately, I wanted to give the Lord a platform... whether He decides to heal us, work through modern medicine, or never bless us with a child of my own, I wanted to offer up our story. Our story is all for His glory!

So for now, we're staying open... the blog will be up and running and you can expect updates like normal. I think of the woman who went through an IVF retrieval on the TODAY show. She said she did it to encourage other women in similar situations to overcome their fears. Well for me, I hope the friends and family who don't battle infertility can catch a tiny glimpse into what this is like. The odds are that they know other friends who are or will go through treatment, so maybe reading and hearing about the nerves associated with the first beta, or fear that comes from injecting yourself... well, maybe that will help when they interact with their other friends. No matter what happens going forward I hope that this space can stay true to itself... honest, open, raw... genuine.

In other news, today is what I imagine Katniss meant when she described "hollow days" in The Hunger Games. Absolutely nothing I eat satisfies my hunger. I'm assuming this is because I'm not hungry for yogurt or apples or lettuce. I'm currently craving a Chick-fil-A chicken biscuit (pardon me while I drool on my desk) on a nice big bowl of jasmine rice. Heaven help me, it's going to be a long day!

A Few Steps Closer

Believe it or not, I start IVF in TEN DAYS! It's absolutely mind-boggling to me! People have been constantly asking me how I feel... I think my reaction is kind of glazed-eyes, confused sort of stare, before I realize "Oh, you're supposed to be EXCITED or SCARED or something". I don't know if I'm repressing it, avoiding it, or if it just hasn't sunk in yet, but I'm not really anything right now. I'm sure things will change when I'm faced with day one of the injections.

Speaking of injections, I finally got my list of medications. I don't actually know how much I'm taking, but I know what they are. I haven't mentioned this on the blog yet, but my clinic recommended that I apply for the EMD Serreno Compassionate Care Program. We had never heard anything about it before, but I thought, "why the heck not?". The application process was fairly simple and within about six hours we had been granted 75% off of the medications produced by EMD Serreno which include Gonal-F, Cetrotide, and Ovidrel. Yeah, I know! It was pretty much the most exciting news of the year. We have zero insurance coverage for infertility treatments or medications, so despite the fact that we are going to a lower cost clinic, this is a big help!

I think we're going to order with Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. I priced my medications there yesterday and these were my costs:

Cetrotide (6 syringes): $141.75
Menopur (10 vials): $719.90
Gonal-F (3 vials of 450iu): $333
hCG (1 vial): $89.50

Grand Total: $1280.55

I almost cried! It's kind of ridiculous, to be so excited about spending $1000+ on medication, but I know how bad it could have been: A LOT WORSE!

The appointment on Friday in Jacksonville was fine. It was kind of hectic as it was their office Christmas party that afternoon and I was the last patient, but we got all of the major things accomplished. I also went to an acupuncture consultation. I like the acupuncturist, but unfortunately, she is closed for two weeks at Christmas and won't reopen until January 6th. She recommended that I look for another clinic as she felt it was important to get started earlier. I really respected that, and she didn't charge me for the consult, so all around it was a successful visit. I have a call into one of her recommendations (which ironically was the other acupuncturist I had been considering), so I'm just waiting to hear back.

All that's left is to order medications, book the hotel room, get tires changed on the 4Runner, and pack! Oh and go to work, eat food, remember to take my birth control pill... Speaking of eating food, The Prohibition of All Things Yummy, is still going strong. I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but I'm still eating fruit, so I guess there are still some carbs and some yummy things in my life. Essentially fruit helps me to eat not so yummy things like lettuce, so it's kind of necessary. But for the most part, I'm doing well(ish). I will admit to a few cheats such as a Chick-fil-A Asian Salad (without wontons, but WITH fried chicken) and a sip of a Starbucks Peppermint Hot Chocolate. In both situations I thought I had died and gone to heaven, so as far as the "changing taste buds" or "switching to a less sweet state of mind" I'd say I'm failing. If you placed an entire pan of brownies in front of me and guaranteed me it would not affect any future babies, I'd eat the whole pan and then wash it down with a massive Diet Coke. But as I haven't actually done either of those things, we will call this adventure successful thus far! I am confident that I'm not failing too terribly because I weighed this morning and I've lost four pounds since last Sunday! Winning!!! We won't mention that Sam has already lost six pounds and he's been CHEATING at work... men! What can you do?

That's about it though! I'll be back soon I'm sure! The impending IVF lends itself to lots of blogging, I'm sure. Almost in the single digits!

Survivor's Guilt

First of all, a brief update: the Prohibition of All Things Yummy is off to a terrible wonderful start. I pretty much want to tackle people eating chocolate, I've questioned the sanity of locking lips with any individual drinking a diet coke (you know, just to taste it), and I'm having dreams about nice salty pita chips. I'd heard it was no fun to cut all the yumminess from your life, and I'll agree with that: ZERO FUN. However, I've also heard that things get easier, so I'm looking forward to that. We tried spaghetti squash on Sunday night, and while it wasn't disgusting, let's just say that my portion was much smaller than it would have been with real pasta. No yumminess = Automatic portion control. And I was dreaming of a delicious slice of garlic bread throughout dinner!

I thought the sweets would be the worst part because I have a major sweet tooth, but honestly, it's been the salty carbs... things that I don't actually eat all that often. I mentioned dreams of pita chips, but tortilla chips also sound AMAZING. And obviously the loss of Diet Coke is extreme and terrifying. One thing I've definitely discovered is that if I can't eat or drink things I enjoy, I tend to just not eat or drink. Monday night I felt terrible, and it occurred to me that I might be dehydrated. When I thought back through the day, I realized that I had had a smoothie for breakfast and then about 3 ounces of orange juice later in the day... those were the only liquids I consumed that day. I've been making a more dedicated effort to drink water throughout the day, but blegh, no thank you. I've decided I'm never going to sip water, I've just got to chug it.

I'm headed to Jacksonville tomorrow evening for an appointment at 9:30 on Friday morning. I'll get to briefly meet with Dr. Duffy while he's performing the saline sonohysterogram. I'll also meet with an IVF nurse to discuss our schedule, medications, and learn how to give injections. Sam's not coming, but my mom is, so at least two people will learn how to do injections. Afterwards I have a consult with an Acupuncturist. Hopefully I'll get a good feeling from her because I don't have a lot of time to meet with different people. Okay, further update coming after Friday's appointments.

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The title of this post seems strange even to me right now. How can I be experiencing survivor's guilt? I'm not a survivor yet. I'm no where near done with this journey. There is no guarantee that IVF in January will work. Heck, there is no guarantee that IVF at any time will work. And yet, I'm already feeling guilty. The doctors have all given me higher chances than what their clinic average is... Dr. Slayden at RBA gave us as high as 65-70% chance of success with one IVF. I don't think about those numbers often. It seems safer in my head to focus on the national average. I tell myself we have about a 40-45% chance of success. And yet, I'm still feeling cautiously optimistic.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't actually feel guilty about getting pregnant from of IVF as much as I feel guilty about even doing IVF. I think about all the women I know, all the stories I've heard, and it just seems strange that I'm moving ahead and they are not. It was about three months ago that I voiced something for the first time, but after speaking it out loud, I realized just how true it is. There are women whom I've formed friendships with, whom I love dearly, that I want to succeed more than I want myself to succeed. As the words came out of my mouth, I thought "that can't be true", but it is.

Aubrey was one of those women I was thinking of that night. Whether my husband likes it or not, he hears all about the women I've been blogging with the longest. He knows them by first name. I reminded him of everything Aubrey had been through, of what she was preparing to go through. I told him I didn't know how much more she and her husband could take. And then I told him that I wanted them to succeed with their first transfer at CCRM more than I wanted us to succeed. I'm over the moon for Aubrey and Nick... TWINS! I can't think of anyone who deserves the blessing of twins more than Aubrey! I'm so incredibly thankful she's made it this far, and I'm praying everything turns out perfectly for them!

Suzanne is the other woman I brought up that night. Suzanne had just texted me to let me know that the doctors were not cancelling her donor egg cycle despite a slow start. She relayed that the doctor had high hopes of retrieving 15-16 eggs. After the scare of a cancelled cycle, this was amazing news! It seemed like everything was finally going to come together for my sweet friend. I told Sam that I wanted a successful retrieval, fertilization, and embryo freeze for her so badly my stomach hurt. Suzanne had already been through to much; I told him it just wasn't fair that she would have to go through one more thing. And yet, Suzanne has had to go through several more things. The current bump in the road for them on this long, long journey is scar tissue, most likely from a D&C. I am brokenhearted for Suzanne and I feel terrible that she has another hurdle in this journey. It seems so incredibly unfair that I have the potential to be pregnant before her.

I know that pregnancy for a lot of infertile women comes with a lot of guilt. I've never wanted them to feel guilty. We're all trying to get pregnant; success should be celebrated! But I think I understand a little bit better why the pregnant women and new moms stop commenting and disappear from the blogs. Balancing the seesaw when you've got great news and your dear friend just received terrible news is hard. So, so, so hard. I honestly felt guilty that I even got my period on Saturday. Why should I get to move forward with IVF when Suzanne and so may other wonderful ladies are stuck?

I don't have an answer or a solution as to how to remove or alleviate the guilt for any of us. But I would encourage all of us to stick around, and to fight for the friendships we've created. The relationships formed through these awful journeys are worth the tough conversations and battling the seesaw of highs and lows!

I continue to be so incredibly thankful for this community! The fact that women who are just starting out on clomid or who are seeking adoption can come together with veterans of IVF to form this beautiful place is truly amazing! Thank you all for wishing me well as we finally start out on our very own IVF trail. It's been a very long time coming, and I have no idea where the path may lead, but I'm eternally thankful to have each of you along the journey with me!