China: Part I

On the eve of Family Day, the day we meet our son, I am feeling about one million different things. Inadequate. Hopeful. Afraid. Excited. Anxious. Overwhelmed. Humbled. Oh, and tired. Tired, but not exhausted, so that’s an improvement.

We left Atlanta on Wednesday, February 21, to begin our (incredibly long) journey to China. My prayer going in was that I could walk away saying the travel wasn’t that bad, so that maybe I could work up the nerve to do it all again one day. Like most things, I think the anticipation is the worst part. It’s the fear that nearly swallows me whole sometimes, and I was certainly afraid. Travel was frustrating for sure. We flew a new (to us) airline in a different terminal. We learned mid-flight to Chicago that our seat arrangement had been changed without notifying us, so Sam no longer had extra leg room (he’s 6’9). I cried from fear and frustration and exhaustion that day, but my prayers were answered. It wasn’t that bad. Sure, I’d rather travel by floo powder, portkey, and certainly transporter, but until our technology catches up with our imaginations, international flights half way around the world are doable (I’d recommend a bottle of your favorite benzodiazepine). 

American Airlines-not my fave, but it was okay
Also, note that flying up and over Canada is a much
more enjoyable flight than across the Pacific Ocean.

We arrived in Beijing on Thursday, February 22, in the evening. As China is 13 hours ahead of home, our travel had taken approximately 18 hours all together, but it admittedly felt far closer to the 32 hours time led us to believe had elapsed. We were all exhausted. The first night I crashed, but then woke up about 3 a.m. My body could be tricked no longer. Despite how tired I was, my brain knew that it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon. This has maintained itself as a pretty regular pattern each night. I wake up sometime between 1-3 a.m. to just sit and process the day and I eventually fall asleep a few hours later for a final nap before myself or Garrison gives up and we start our day. 

On our first day here, we visited Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City, and the Summer Palace. My two biggest surprises were how many Chinese people were visiting. We were truly the only white people I saw for hours. I guess I expected more international travelers to such popular tourist locations. My second surprise was how deeply the Chinese people feel for Chairman Mao. He served as the the Chairman of the Communist Party of China from its establishment in 1949 until his death in 1976. The President of the United States in 1976 was Gerald Ford. I know that because I looked it up. And without reading the Wikipedia article, I couldn’t tell you one thing about the man, but the people of China seemed to genuinely love the man. On many occasions people were shouting things aloud that our guide translated as praise for Mao. It was so interesting to see even small children excited over this man. As a child, President Bush (the first one) came to my hometown. I was so very close in proximity the the President of the United States,and yet 20+ years later, I barely remember it and know next to nothing about him, but these children who were born some 30+ years after Mao died seemed to truly care deeply for him. So interesting. 

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The Summer Palace was by far my favorite, probably for lots of reasons not the least of which is that it was more remote, has beautiful trees and lakes, and gave off a more peaceful feeling in comparison to Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City. The Summer Palace is also lavishly painted with murals along the Long Corridor. I could have spent days there learning about the paintings and the architecture and the various buildings.

On our second and last day in Beijing, we traveled outside of Beijing (well at least it felt like it) to visit the Mutianyu section of the Great Wall. Modern conveniences such as a bus half way up the mountain and a cable car up to the wall made this a totally doable day adventure, but even then, the wall was quite the workout. Also interesting to note that very little has been done in terms of safety features to prevent trips/falls etc. I likely noticed this in part as I was carrying Garrison in the ergo and feeling how insecure I felt on many of the staircases with no handrails. I kept thinking how something like this in the US would have been modified so much for the number of tourists that visit (because hello, lawsuit). 

Beijing is still cold, and therefore it's a pretty dreary landscape, plus
the smog has a way of eating all the colors in the photos, but still,
pretty amazing to see...and to imaging that this was just one tiny piece
of the wall.

Today we were up bright and early to board a plane to Kunming. If you’re keeping track, that is plane ride number three. I’m half way through the six and that feels REALLY good. In no way am I going to be a fan of flying by the end of this, but maybe I’ll be just a teensy bit better. 

The view from the (very back row of) plane as we flew
over Yunnan and came into Kunming.

Today is Garrison’s birthday. Birthdays are a big deal in our family. Sam and I usually both take off and do something fun for his birthday. Obviously, that couldn’t happen this year and it made me SO SAD. I felt so much guilt about today and the lack of focus on Garrison. Once we got to Kunming, we went to a park that is really close to our hotel. Garrison attracted people to him like birds to scraps of food. They were practically circling. Thankfully, so far he has been a champ about all of the attention. We let him explore the park a bit and bought him an ice cream cone, which of course didn’t really taste like ice cream. Bless him. I’m glad he’s not old enough to tell me what he thought of this birthday.


Tomorrow is the day. We leave at 2:30 to get to the civil affairs building where we will begin the paperwork process to finalize our adoption and meet our son. Thankfully, I’m too tired right now to stay up worrying. To be determined if the same proves true at 3:00 a.m

Why Don't You Just Adopt

Several days ago, someone asked if my opinion on adoption had changed over the years. Did I wish that we had adopted earlier instead of pursuing fertility treatments? Do I think more of my dear infertility sisters should adopt? Basically, am I in camp "Why Don't You just Adopt (Already)?"

Loaded questions right? I garbled out an answer about respecting everyone's journey and always being pro-adoption and pro-fertility treatments, but truthfully, my real feelings are much, much deeper and more complex. Far, far more complex than anyone wants to hear likely, but that's why blogs were invented, right? So it seemed fitting as I mulled over these questions and my answers for the last few days that I post this today. Why? Because four years ago today was my egg retrieval in Jacksonville, Florida. It honestly seems like an entire lifetime ago. I've learned so much, experienced so much since then.

When you are outspoken about your struggles with infertility, you will inevitably find kindhearted, well-meaning people who want to share their advice. Truthfully, I got just as much "Have you tried this herbal supplement/tea/product?" as I did the adoption question. All of the questions, though from a place of good intentions, eventually start to wear on you, but the adoption one, well, nothing seems to get an infertile girls hackles up quite like that one.

I'll be honest. I do wish more of my infertility sisters would be open to adoption, but not because that's the solution to infertility or because it's their responsibility to end the orphan crisis. Nope, nope, double nope. It is neither. I simply wish more people who struggle with infertility would be open to adoption because I truly believe that they can find happiness down that road. True, not second best, but blissful happiness through adoption. But I also wish more people with the ability to procreate like rabbits would also consider adoption.

For so many who struggle with infertility, I think the fear of giving up the genetic connection or the process of carrying the child just seems insurmountable. How could you possibly be happy without that? I don't know. I can tell you I was the first one to say that my desire to carry a child would NEVER go away. I just knew I could adopt ten kids and I'd still want to give birth with every fiber of being. And then I adopted one kid and the desire evaporated into thin air. It doesn't for everyone. I know quite a few adoptive moms who struggled with infertility who will be the first to tell you that the desire remained to feel their son or daughter kick, to experience child birth. But those same women would also say that even without that, they are unequivocally happy with their lives, their children, with their family.

Others may simply be afraid of adoption. Afraid of failed adoptions. Afraid of the process. Afraid of the costs. (Here, I'll pause to say that yes, both infertility treatments and adoption can cost A LOT of money. But for many, infertility treatments are, at least in part, covered by insurance. So yes, adoption can be quite a bit more costly then even multiple rounds of IVF, depending on what state you live in.) Still others may not be able to adopt. Typically, there's not a whole lot of say in who does and doesn't get to try infertility treatments. BMI and age are typically really the only questionable factors there, and truly, that's because the clinics want successes just as much as the patients. Successes mean more patients which means more money. But believe me, there is a whole panel of people who will access your ability to adopt a child, and some may simply know that they don't qualify.

So yes, I'm more than happy to encourage a seeking infertility sister (and really ANYONE) down the road of adoption, but, and it's a BIG but, I truly, truly, truly, with every fiber of my being believe it's not the answer to infertility. Adoption is simply not the one size fits all answer to infertility. It's just not. Adoption is the most complex and complicated world I have ever stepped foot in. While I would encourage anyone thinking about adoption to move forward even in the midst of their fears and concerns and all of the unknowns, I would halt anyone (infertile or otherwise) in their tracks if they aren't ready, willing, and able to dive into the deep end of adoption.

What does the deep end look like? It looks like trauma. It looks like parenting a child of another race in the middle of your little white suburbia. It looks like loss. It looks like sacrificing your own desires to show love and accept the desires of the birth/first family. It looks like anger. It looks like dealing with choices that you didn't make for your child, but that were made long before you were ever in the picture. It looks like confusion. It looks like understanding that time may not heal all wounds.

Is the deep end the place every adoptive parent ends up? No! Absolutely not! There are undoubtedly adoption experiences in which the child is healthy with absolutely no health issues from prenatal or pre-adoption experiences. There are certainly families that have happy, simple, peaceful relationships with the birth family. There are definitely children who grow up at peace with their adoption experience and their family. But these are not guaranteed experiences. NO MATTER WHAT. Not if you adopt at infant. Not if you adopt a girl. Not if you adopt a child that was never exposed to drugs/alcohol. Not if you adopt a boy. Not if you adopt a child of the same race. Not if you adopt a child from a different country. Not if you adopt an older child. There is no magic secret to "success." And if you are unwilling or unable to walk into the world of adoption knowing that you may plunge head first into the deep end, then you should walk away. And if you are unwilling or unable to walk into the adoption world knowing that the first few years may be only ankle deep, but that years from now you could be treading water in the deep, you should walk away.

Adoption is absolutely, without a doubt the single greatest thing about my life. I pray that the rest of my days on this earth are spent shouting the worth of orphans and vulnerable children around the world. It is my life's greatest honor to be an adoptive mama and I am THRILLED when others choose to join me, but that in no way means that I'm tossing out "Why don't you just adopt?" when someone is struggling with infertility. No. Uh-uh.

So that answers the last two questions, but what about the first one? Do I wish we'd chosen adoption earlier over infertility treatments? Do I regret our decision to pursue artificial reproductive technology? Honestly, in almost every way I do. Infertility treatments broke me. I look back on that season of life, and while I'm crazy thankful for the relationships I made and the things I learned, I do not like the person I was then. I was angry. I was bitter. I was sad. And that's not to blame treatments. My attitude is on me, but man the month after month of brokenheartedness, the roller coaster of emotions, always believing that the next thing/cycle/med/doctor might be the one...it was too much. At least for me. Other friends handled it like champions, so I don't say that to discourage anyone from trying, but I am not proud of the person I was back then. My faith was tested in ways that I couldn't imagine; I can't honestly say that I came out all that refined from the fire. I came out burnt crispy and confused. So yes, in many ways I wish I had gone counter to what most of my infertility sisters were doing and walked straight towards adoption.

However, that's really easy to say with hindsight. But with distance we begin to forget that it just wasn't that simple. Sam and I hadn't been married long enough, weren't old enough, didn't have enough income, etc. to adopt in almost every scenario when we started infertility treatments in January 2012. And on January 9, 2014 when they harvested eggs from my body with the hope of a child in the future, it seemed like it was absolutely the right choice for us. It didn't work, and so it's easy to say we were wrong, but I kind of wonder if in some ways I needed to walk all the way through infertility treatments to the very end. Maybe I was being more refined than I remember. I can tell you there was something earth-shattering, heartbreaking, and life-altering about receiving the phone call two days later in which we learned that our embryos were fragile, that they were dying. I realized with immense gravity just how little control I had. So yes, I regret the thousands upon thousands of dollars we spent on infertility treatments that failed. And I even regret losing so many of my years on fighting the battle of infertility treatments. But ultimately, if you believe in some sort of X had to happen so that Y was possible and that allowed for Z, well then I'm right where I am meant to be and I'm thankful that they wheeled me back to surgery four years ago today. On the cusp of being the mom of two stunningly beautiful children with heart-achingly beautiful stories, well I'd be afraid to rewrite even one word of the story, because this is as good as it gets.

Hurry Up and Wait

Whoa. Like serious whoa. I'd like for life to slow down just a bit, but I have a feeling it's not going to in the least. The last several weeks have been filled to the absolute brim. I'm pretty sure I could sleep for 24 hours straight right about now. I just completed the busiest season of the year at work, which is always a huge relief, but with maternity leave looming, I'm already preparing for time away. No rest for the weary.

In November, we took a few days off of work and traveled to Colorado. The purpose of the trip was to spread my father's ashes. He passed away last October and this trip had been in the works since then. Colorado is special to me, quite possibly the most special place on earth, and it was to my dad too. We were both born in Fort Collins, Colorado...it's one thing we had in common during seasons of life when I would have sworn that that was the only thing we shared. My relationship with my father was tenuous at best and volatile at worst during the last twenty years. He was a complicated man. We had not spoken in years and our last conversation was not one that I remember fondly. To find a happy memory, I must go further back to a conversation that, believe it or not, centered around Colorado. He wanted to take me skiing again. While I was far, far wiser as an adult and wary of getting my hopes up, I'll admit that the spark of childhood memories blossomed in me. The memories of skiing with my dad are undoubtedly some of the very best of my childhood. We never made that trip.

Taking my dad back to Colorado was important to me...hard, but in some way healing. It's a place that we uniquely shared. The longing for the mountains, well, I think it's something we will both keep for all the days of our lives. It was his and still is my wish to eventually move back to Colorado. This was my way of taking him home.

The trip was hard. My emotions ran hot and cold, but my anxiety was also high. It had been over seven and a half years since I had last flown, and wow. Let's just was my anxiety has not gotten better over the years. So yeah, I was an anxious, emotional mess trying to honor my dad and spend some quality time with my family while also analyzing how I'm seriously unprepared for 15 hour flights to and from China. It was a complicated week. The highlight was certainly getting Garrison out on the slopes. I don't know when or if my little family will make it back out to Colorado...life's about to get a whole heck of a lot messier and more chaotic, so it was really special that I got to see my little nugget doing what I so desperately loved as a child. I know he's likely too young that these memories will remain, but they will always be there for me, and for that I'm thankful. My mom and I made a few runs as well. It was cathartic really. For so many years it was mom and I against the world. It felt good to end the trip with a memory that we both shared from so long ago.

We returned from our trip and quickly got spun into the adoption journey again. On December 7, we were notified that our dossier was out of review. Basically, at that point, China had said yes to us as a family; we simply had to wait for them to say yes to our match with our son. We received our Letter of Acceptance on December 11, and since then it's been full steam ahead. But now, we wait. Soon we will be jumping through some more hoops. And then we'll wait. Rinse and repeat.

We are currently waiting on approval from US Citizenship and Immigration Services. If you remember hearing that before, it's because we've been here before. Basically, you apply the first time to adopt a child from a specific country, but the child in question is vague...just a general outline (boy/girl, age range, etc). Then you apply again for your specific child. We should have approval any day now. From here, there's a whole slew of acronyms and numbers that no one outside of the international adoption community would understand, but basically each is a step in the process to receiving approval from China to travel. We must have approval before we can truly schedule our trip.

Estimates on travel right now are March, with an early estimate that we could meet our son on February 26...well except that I work for a church. It's a long story, but visas are becoming more and more complicated to procure and due to my place of employment, our travel could be delayed by two-ish weeks. Believe me, that's a tough place to sit. To know that your child is spending additional nights in an orphanage, even if it's a great one with loving ayis and exceptional care, is really, really hard. And so we wait. And then we sprint to jump over the next hurdle. And then we wait. Slowly but surely, we're inching closer to our boy.

Christmas this year was a little hard. I felt a lot of guilt about celebrating while our son sleeps in an orphanage each night. I didn't know the right way to honor him and still celebrate with the family that we have here. I didn't want to diminish Garrison's Christmas or sit around pouting and bemoaning what we don't have in the midst of a season of great joy and hope. Thursday, December 21, was the winter solstice and as such it was the longest night. It was a poignant moment for me as I reflected that for both my son and I, the days are getting longer, the nights are getting shorter, and with each turn of the earth, we are one day closer to one another. We ended up ordering his stocking and hanging it with ours. He received a few small gifts in his stocking just like Garrison. To help Garrison understand that his brother is a real, live person and not just an imaginary friend, we packed up all of his gifts and mailed them to him. Hopefully he receives his package in the coming weeks and on some lever knows that he is loved and his family is coming for him, racing the sun to hold him.

We're still about $7,000 away from our total for adoption expenses, and we have about eight weeks to get there. I'd tell you that this seems insurmountable, but truthfully, we've been here before. I've seen everything fall into place in ways I couldn't possibly have dreamed up. I'm trusting that though this is out of my hands, it is not out of His control. In the coming days, we will make preparations to add another son to our home, both with the addition of a new carseat and the purging of closets, but also space in our hearts for this new gift. The journey to him has already been long, complex, and difficult, but I have a feeling we're just getting started. The real journey is just beginning.

Baby Greavu #2

Weeks ago I announced that we have pre-approval for our sweet, little guy in China. Not a whole heck of a lot has changed since then as we got stuck waiting on our approval from USCIS. It finally arrived after 72 days. Once we received that approval, we had it authenticated as quickly as possible. On Monday, October 30, our dossier was officially sent to China. A dossier is a compilation of documents gathered to give the Chinese government a blueprint of who we are. It includes our birth certificates, marriage certificates, financial records, medical records, police and FBI clearances, photos, and our home study. Praise God, as now the majority or our paperwork is complete! DTC (literally dossier-to-China) is a BIG step in the adoption process!

Our next step will be to get logged in the CCCWA. For many, LID is a very important mark in the journey. This is the point at which your agency can begin the process of matching you with a special needs child. As we already have pre-approval for our little guy, LID isn't quite that big of a deal, but still comforting to know that our paperwork has been received. Our next big hurdle will be to receive our Letter of Acceptance (LOA). This represents our formal acceptance of our match with our little one and is necessary to file immigration paperwork that allows for US citizenship. Our number one question we receive right now is "when will we travel?" and at this point, our best estimate is March or April. We should have a better estimate for travel windows once we receive our LOA.

So those are the details on the timeline and where we stand in the process. What I really want to tell you about is Baby Greavu #2. Now admittedly, as he's already 16 months old, he's not technically a baby, but I still call Garrison baby at 32 months, so I'm fine with the title of "baby." I'm anxiously awaiting the point when I can request another update on our sweet guy, but for now, I just re-read his file when I'm feeling the need. The information in his file is dated from February of this year, when he was about eight months old. At that time he could keep his head stable when supported, raise his head off the bed, track moving objects, and gaze at people. He laughed loudly if being teased and felt happy when seeing food and expressed a desire to eat. He is described as extroverted, active, ready to smile. They report he likes listening to music, likes being cuddled, and will cry loudly when he is unhappy. As you can see, we don't know a whole lot. My most favorite thing in the report is that it is noted that he is a deep sleeper...welcome to the Greavu family, buddy. You are going to fit it just fine. This mama LOVES good sleepers!

Photo from his original file

He is now 16 months old, and I know sooooo much could have changed since then. We got a few updated photos when we were reviewing his file, but even that was months ago. At that age, they seem to change every week, so I will admit that it's hard. I know we're missing out on some really sweet moments. My absolute favorite months with Garrison were about 13-18 months old, and I know we will miss all of those. However, we are over the moon to welcome him home next year. We are busy preparing, fundraising, cleaning out closets, sorting boxes of boy clothes. I'm painting the guest bedroom and we're trying to figure out when to switch Garrison over to his big boy bed (his crib will go to his brother). I will definitely say that I feel the nesting desire this time around. It's a weird feeling, one that I've never experienced before. I'm probably already driving Sam crazy, but things. must. get. done. The next few months feel big. Really important. Preparing our hearts, our home, Garrison, school, church, friends, and family for all that is about to change in our world. I'm both scared of messing up, of making the wrong choice, or not doing the right thing or reading the right book, and at peace with the fact that we're entering into the unknown. Learning to do the right thing is just going to take some time and figuring out who our little guy is.

Updated photo from the end of July.

We are thankful for all the prayers, donations, and love that we have received thus far in our journey. I cannot wait to share more about Baby Greavu #2 with you in the coming months. And hopefully, by that time, he'll have a name.

Don't Stop Believing

Infertility was so long, so hard. It truly was just a chapter of my life, but man, in the midst of it, it seemed like the sum total of all of my days, as if it would consume everything about me. One of the brightest spots throughout the darkness were the friends I made along the way. So many are special to me. There's a whole list of friends I'd love to meet one day. The truth is that motherhood makes that kind of travel about 10,000 times harder than it once was. By the grace of God, a few of us managed to make it happen recently and it was so good for my soul!

Six weeks to write a blog post seems like a totally reasonable amount of time, right? As promised, I wanted to write a post about my trip to Indiana, (in September) if nothing else because this was a very long time coming and something I'll want to remember. Seriously, Sam started talking about going to the Georgia/Notre Dame game years ago when the announcement was made. I kind of rolled my eyes at the thought, and then he said the magic words, "you know, South Bend is pretty close to Suzanne." Oh, well, why didn't you just say that?

I tried not to get my hopes up. What are the odds we'd get tickets? But as the months ticked by and Sam became more and more motivated, I started to see this as a real possibility. Earlier this year, we were hoping to make it a long(er) weekend. You see, Suz is just an hour away from South Bend, but my sweet, sweet friend Annie lives just a few hours away from Suzanne. It seemed too good to be true. Take a few days off of work, spend some time in Indiana, travel over to Illinois, spend a few days there...magical. And then the adoption process stole all of our days off of work. Sam literally had one day to give...that's it. Sigh.

So the trip was not all that I had planned. It was the exact opposite of relaxing. Following the car-ride-that-would-not-end, I suddenly feel very different about flying. My aversion is melting away at the mere thought of another 10 hour car ride with Garrison. We were in Indianapolis for a whopping 40 hours, but...

this made it all worth it. I hadn't seen Suz since Garrison was a teensy, tiny, little nugget, which means that I had never met her THREE babies. Guys, that's a lot of change. Like a lot. And despite some serious effort on Annie's part, we'd never managed to meet up at all. Plus she now had twin toddlers that I had never met. It was an absolute joy to see these friends and to see all. the. babies. Seriously, if this weekend isn't just a might middle finger to infertility, I don't what is.

While Sam went to South Bend to see the campus and spend the day being football-y, I hung with Suz and spent the day with the wild ones. In light of our extremely tight schedule, we couldn't make it to Illinois, but Annie drove all the way over, just for the afternoon. You guys, how great is she? And Suz hosted us all like her home is a toddler daycare every day of the week (which it sort of is, but still). Wild? Yes. Exhausting? Yes. Life-giving? Absolutely. Worth 10,000 hours in the car with a cranky, screaming two year-old? Without a doubt!

Next time, the girls should absolutely plan to leave the kids with the boys and spend the afternoon getting pedicures and sharing stories. The one thing I was sad about was there was just not enough time to spend talking with my friends...but motherhood does that to you, right? And I'm pretty sure we wouldn't trade all the afternoons relaxing in the world for the lives we've created.

I'll be honest and say three years ago, I didn't know if this would happen. We were all thick, deep in the trenches. The sh@% was hitting the fan left and right for all of us. It just didn't seem likely we'd all crawl out of the pit. And yet, in the matter of 450 days exactly, we collectively went from zero to six kids between us. These ladies have stories worth making a movie about and it was such a privlege to walk through it all with them.

Infertility was a dark chapter in my life. I didn't handle it with have the grace or belief I wish I had, and yet, I'm so thankful for that season of life...for so many reasons. One of those is the ladies. I'm not sure I would have kept my head without them and it was such a joy to celebrate all that grace has given us.

Love Crosses Oceans

Man guys, I was doing so good. Three posts in two months was like some kind of record, and then life exploded and the blog fell to the wayside. And it's in no way because I don't have things to tell you. I absolutely intend to blog about my trip to Indiana. Literally a dream come true. But today, I want to try to catch everyone up on where we are with the adoption.

When I last updated, we had just announced our adoption. In some ways, a ton of things have happened since then and in other ways, nothing at all. The China adoption process is kind of hard to explain to someone who is not familiar with it, but basically there are two routes you can take. Currently, children in China are divided into two groups by the China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption (CCCWA). One group, known as Special Needs, is typically younger children with more mild and correctable special needs. To match with a child on the Special Needs list, a family has to have already submitted their dossier (think giant packet of all your information) to China. The other group is known as Special Focus. Children in this group typically have move moderate to severe special needs or they are older. A family can match with a child on the Special Focus list at any time, even before they have completed their home study.

Since we were open to children on the Special Focus list, we were able to view waiting children from the very beginning. For me, this has absolutely been the hardest part. There are hundreds of children on these lists just waiting. How on earth are you supposed to decide which files to review? Or which files to submit for a doctor's opinion? How do you know when you see your son or daughter? I realized very, very quickly that I was not up for this. I could not review file after file. China legally only allows for the adoption of one child at a time now, so no matter how badly I wanted to scoop up several little ones, I could not. These were the moments that Andy Stanley's well known phrase "Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone" came into laser focus for me.

Late in the summer we received a file for a beautiful little boy. His file was slim. A few photos. One precious video. We decided to have an International Adoption Clinic review the file. These doctors work fast, but man the wait is excruciating. After careful prayer, discussion, and research we submitted our letter of intent to adopt this little guy:

No, I cannot explain to you what he's wearing.
#becauseChina
He's just a babe in this photo, but he actually
 turned 15 months in September.

A few days later we received pre-approval (PA) from the CCCWA to adopt him! We are officially matched with this little love and working feverishly to bring him home. 

Garrison is thoroughly confused and has to decided to ask for a sister instead.

In some ways, it felt like things were flying...our home study was approved, our dossier documents were in route, we received pre-approval all within a few short weeks. I was already trying to count the weeks until we could travel. And then I discovered the real work of international adoption: waiting. 

We are currently waiting for our I800-A approval. Never heard of it? Yeah, I hadn't either. The I800-A is the Application for Determination of Suitability to Adopt a Child from a Convention Country. It is processed by U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS). We are currently on day 56 of waiting for approval. Once we are approved, we will send our dossier to China (DTC) and the CCCWA will officially log our dossier into their database (known as LID). From that date, we can estimate approximately 4.5 months until we will travel. I should be a gold medalist in waiting by now, but weirdly enough, I never got any better.

The one thing that we can do while we wait is work towards funding our adoption. Earlier this week we received approval from Lifesong for Orphans. We can now accept tax-deductible donations. There are two ways to give. The easiest way is online of course (just follow the link). Online donations are processed by STRIPE with a 2.2% + $.30 fee per transaction....Just FYI. You may also donate by mailing a check and indicating our family account in the memo line (Greavu 7212). In accordance with IRS guidelines, donations are to Lifesong for Orphans. This organization retains full discretion over its use, but intends to honor the your suggested use. Basically, if you denote our family when you give, 100% of the funds received by Lifesong will be placed into our family's account with Lifesong and then transferred directly to our agency for payment.

We're expecting our adoption to cost north of $37,000. We've spent about $17,000 of our personal funds that we had saved for the adoption over the last two years (thanks adoption tax credit) which leaves us with about $20,000. For Garrison's adoption we did a puzzle fundraiser. The puzzle hangs framed in his room as a tender reminder of everyone who helped us bring him home. Because I'm all about keeping things even and fair for the second child (you'd think I was scarred by not being born first), we'll do a puzzle fundraiser this time too. I've ordered a 1,000 piece puzzle that Sam is so eager to put together (love you, babe). With a $20,000 goal and 1,000 pieces, the math is pretty simple. $20 gets you a puzzle piece, $40 gets you two, and so on.

Our sweet boy lives in Kunming, which is in southern China,
just north of Laos and Thailand.

As always, we are so grateful to everyone for the extreme kindness and generosity that has been shown to our family throughout this journey. We truly could not do this without the help of so many. We cannot wait to welcome our precious son into his forever family!

So, Why Adoption...Again?

Once upon a time, we made a plan. Sam and I said we'd adopt and then we'd return to Jacksonville, Florida for our remaining embryos. And yet, here we are, right smack in the middle of an international adoption. I'll be honest, I feel that tension. The reality of embryos sitting in a freezer in Florida with my name on them is a heavy burden...most days, that's exactly how it feels. But let me back up.

Adopting Garrison was quite possibly the single greatest, most defining event in my life. I feel like an entirely different person now. It feels accurate to divide my life in two, BG (before Garrison) and AG (after Garrison). Now part of that is certainly simply taking on the role of mother. That in and of itself changes every woman whether she expects it and welcomes it or not. Something simply shifts when you become a mom. But for me, it goes far beyond that. Adopting rocked my world on every level. It often feels as if it quite literally shattered my heart. For me, adoption was no longer about family building, instead it became about orphan care. I thought I cared about the orphan before, but now I think about the orphans on a daily basis and my heart breaks for the fatherless.

Another thing that changed for me after adopting was my desire to get pregnant and give birth. Some women adopt and still long for the experience of pregnancy and birth...it doesn't diminish their love for their children who were adopted, but it remains a desire for them. Others no longer carry that dream after adopting. I was 100% sure I'd be in the former camp. There was absolutely no way my desire to carry a child and give birth could ever go away...the desire was just too strong. And then a funny thing happen. I woke up one day and realized it was 100% gone. I say that and I think people thing I'm joking or just trying to be positive. Nope. Dead serious. In fact, I'd prefer NOT to ever get pregnant. For real. The only desire that remains for me is for healing. I still desire the answer to my prayers. I still desire for the Lord to reach down and heal me, not because I want to be pregnant or have a biological child, but because I'd love for that to be a part of my story. Does that make sense? Honestly, what I'd really love is to wake up one day with the knowledge that God had healed me and then I'd never test Him on it. "Cool. Thanks. I appreciate that. Now I'd like to not get pregnant, mmm-kay? Thanks." that's how I imagine our conversation would go.

And that my friends is a really interesting place to sit with four embryos in the freezer. In fact, it's a kind of yucky place to sit. I have these embryos that I feel responsible for, and yet, I don't really want to transfer them at this point. Yuck, right? I told you, it's not a good place to sit. We personally don't believe in discarding them or donating them to research and they are far, far too poor of quality to donate. The reality is that the odds are high that I will not get pregnant from the embryos. We know that and the doctors have agreed. We went down and spoke with the doctors at FIRM almost two years ago and they confirmed that the odds were low. Not non-existent, but low...I tend to lower the percentages of any Reproductive Endocrinologist a good twenty percent, so we're talking seriously low. So why won't I just transfer them and be done with it? Well, because it feels pretty gross to think about taking meds and stepping back on to the roller coaster all to hope that it doesn't  work. Ewww. It's not the same as just hoping the pregnancy test will be negative after unprotected sex, at least, it's not the same to me. It's hoping that the embryos don't survive. Ughh. That's tough. And until I can get my head in a place where I am open and receptive to a pregnancy, I don't feel good about opening that door again. Until I can say that I'm at least open to the idea of a pregnancy, I don't want to step anywhere near the roller coaster that is infertility treatments, let alone strap myself in.

So that's one part of it; I don't really want to be pregnant. The other part is that I desperately want to adopt again. Adoption is absolutely, without a doubt NOT the only way that we can care for orphans. In fact, I feel so very strongly that orphan care does not, cannot begin with adoption. Orphan care starts with orphan prevention. But, with that being said, I do believe in adoption. I believe that "God sets the lonely in families." I believe that believers are called to care for the orphan. And while I do not believe that it is the responsibility of the infertile couple to step torward for adoption, I do believe that infertility is a part of my story so that I would be directed towards the path of orphan care.

Over the last several years, I've followed several adoptive mamas on Instagram and as I thought and prayed and researched, I felt a strong desire to adopt from China, specifically from the waiting child list. We are overjoyed at the prospect of adopting a child with special needs into our home and we are thrilled to bring a child from China into our home and call them son or daughter. Truly, this is our plan A at this point and we could not be more excited for this opportunity!

With that said, we do still plan to return to Jacksonville following this adoption. I don't know what that looks like or how I can move from where I am today to a place of desiring a pregnancy without falling back into the crazy. I'm not sure exactly what steps I need to take to get my head on straight in terms of infertility treatments, pregnancy, biological children...all of that, but I know that I'm willing to take the steps to be ready and I know that we are committed to seeing that our embryos have the chance we promised them over three years ago. For now, we wait and pray that the Lord will bring us to and through the Chinese adoption experience. We are excited for the days, week, months, and even years ahead.