Don't Stop Believing

Infertility was so long, so hard. It truly was just a chapter of my life, but man, in the midst of it, it seemed like the sum total of all of my days, as if it would consume everything about me. One of the brightest spots throughout the darkness were the friends I made along the way. So many are special to me. There's a whole list of friends I'd love to meet one day. The truth is that motherhood makes that kind of travel about 10,000 times harder than it once was. By the grace of God, a few of us managed to make it happen recently and it was so good for my soul!

Six weeks to write a blog post seems like a totally reasonable amount of time, right? As promised, I wanted to write a post about my trip to Indiana, (in September) if nothing else because this was a very long time coming and something I'll want to remember. Seriously, Sam started talking about going to the Georgia/Notre Dame game years ago when the announcement was made. I kind of rolled my eyes at the thought, and then he said the magic words, "you know, South Bend is pretty close to Suzanne." Oh, well, why didn't you just say that?

I tried not to get my hopes up. What are the odds we'd get tickets? But as the months ticked by and Sam became more and more motivated, I started to see this as a real possibility. Earlier this year, we were hoping to make it a long(er) weekend. You see, Suz is just an hour away from South Bend, but my sweet, sweet friend Annie lives just a few hours away from Suzanne. It seemed too good to be true. Take a few days off of work, spend some time in Indiana, travel over to Illinois, spend a few days there...magical. And then the adoption process stole all of our days off of work. Sam literally had one day to give...that's it. Sigh.

So the trip was not all that I had planned. It was the exact opposite of relaxing. Following the car-ride-that-would-not-end, I suddenly feel very different about flying. My aversion is melting away at the mere thought of another 10 hour car ride with Garrison. We were in Indianapolis for a whopping 40 hours, but...

this made it all worth it. I hadn't seen Suz since Garrison was a teensy, tiny, little nugget, which means that I had never met her THREE babies. Guys, that's a lot of change. Like a lot. And despite some serious effort on Annie's part, we'd never managed to meet up at all. Plus she now had twin toddlers that I had never met. It was an absolute joy to see these friends and to see all. the. babies. Seriously, if this weekend isn't just a might middle finger to infertility, I don't what is.

While Sam went to South Bend to see the campus and spend the day being football-y, I hung with Suz and spent the day with the wild ones. In light of our extremely tight schedule, we couldn't make it to Illinois, but Annie drove all the way over, just for the afternoon. You guys, how great is she? And Suz hosted us all like her home is a toddler daycare every day of the week (which it sort of is, but still). Wild? Yes. Exhausting? Yes. Life-giving? Absolutely. Worth 10,000 hours in the car with a cranky, screaming two year-old? Without a doubt!

Next time, the girls should absolutely plan to leave the kids with the boys and spend the afternoon getting pedicures and sharing stories. The one thing I was sad about was there was just not enough time to spend talking with my friends...but motherhood does that to you, right? And I'm pretty sure we wouldn't trade all the afternoons relaxing in the world for the lives we've created.

I'll be honest and say three years ago, I didn't know if this would happen. We were all thick, deep in the trenches. The sh@% was hitting the fan left and right for all of us. It just didn't seem likely we'd all crawl out of the pit. And yet, in the matter of 450 days exactly, we collectively went from zero to six kids between us. These ladies have stories worth making a movie about and it was such a privlege to walk through it all with them.

Infertility was a dark chapter in my life. I didn't handle it with have the grace or belief I wish I had, and yet, I'm so thankful for that season of life...for so many reasons. One of those is the ladies. I'm not sure I would have kept my head without them and it was such a joy to celebrate all that grace has given us.

Love Crosses Oceans

Man guys, I was doing so good. Three posts in two months was like some kind of record, and then life exploded and the blog fell to the wayside. And it's in no way because I don't have things to tell you. I absolutely intend to blog about my trip to Indiana. Literally a dream come true. But today, I want to try to catch everyone up on where we are with the adoption.

When I last updated, we had just announced our adoption. In some ways, a ton of things have happened since then and in other ways, nothing at all. The China adoption process is kind of hard to explain to someone who is not familiar with it, but basically there are two routes you can take. Currently, children in China are divided into two groups by the China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption (CCCWA). One group, known as Special Needs, is typically younger children with more mild and correctable special needs. To match with a child on the Special Needs list, a family has to have already submitted their dossier (think giant packet of all your information) to China. The other group is known as Special Focus. Children in this group typically have move moderate to severe special needs or they are older. A family can match with a child on the Special Focus list at any time, even before they have completed their home study.

Since we were open to children on the Special Focus list, we were able to view waiting children from the very beginning. For me, this has absolutely been the hardest part. There are hundreds of children on these lists just waiting. How on earth are you supposed to decide which files to review? Or which files to submit for a doctor's opinion? How do you know when you see your son or daughter? I realized very, very quickly that I was not up for this. I could not review file after file. China legally only allows for the adoption of one child at a time now, so no matter how badly I wanted to scoop up several little ones, I could not. These were the moments that Andy Stanley's well known phrase "Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone" came into laser focus for me.

Late in the summer we received a file for a beautiful little boy. His file was slim. A few photos. One precious video. We decided to have an International Adoption Clinic review the file. These doctors work fast, but man the wait is excruciating. After careful prayer, discussion, and research we submitted our letter of intent to adopt this little guy:

No, I cannot explain to you what he's wearing.
#becauseChina
He's just a babe in this photo, but he actually
 turned 15 months in September.

A few days later we received pre-approval (PA) from the CCCWA to adopt him! We are officially matched with this little love and working feverishly to bring him home. 

Garrison is thoroughly confused and has to decided to ask for a sister instead.

In some ways, it felt like things were flying...our home study was approved, our dossier documents were in route, we received pre-approval all within a few short weeks. I was already trying to count the weeks until we could travel. And then I discovered the real work of international adoption: waiting. 

We are currently waiting for our I800-A approval. Never heard of it? Yeah, I hadn't either. The I800-A is the Application for Determination of Suitability to Adopt a Child from a Convention Country. It is processed by U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS). We are currently on day 56 of waiting for approval. Once we are approved, we will send our dossier to China (DTC) and the CCCWA will officially log our dossier into their database (known as LID). From that date, we can estimate approximately 4.5 months until we will travel. I should be a gold medalist in waiting by now, but weirdly enough, I never got any better.

The one thing that we can do while we wait is work towards funding our adoption. Earlier this week we received approval from Lifesong for Orphans. We can now accept tax-deductible donations. There are two ways to give. The easiest way is online of course (just follow the link). Online donations are processed by STRIPE with a 2.2% + $.30 fee per transaction....Just FYI. You may also donate by mailing a check and indicating our family account in the memo line (Greavu 7212). In accordance with IRS guidelines, donations are to Lifesong for Orphans. This organization retains full discretion over its use, but intends to honor the your suggested use. Basically, if you denote our family when you give, 100% of the funds received by Lifesong will be placed into our family's account with Lifesong and then transferred directly to our agency for payment.

We're expecting our adoption to cost north of $37,000. We've spent about $17,000 of our personal funds that we had saved for the adoption over the last two years (thanks adoption tax credit) which leaves us with about $20,000. For Garrison's adoption we did a puzzle fundraiser. The puzzle hangs framed in his room as a tender reminder of everyone who helped us bring him home. Because I'm all about keeping things even and fair for the second child (you'd think I was scarred by not being born first), we'll do a puzzle fundraiser this time too. I've ordered a 1,000 piece puzzle that Sam is so eager to put together (love you, babe). With a $20,000 goal and 1,000 pieces, the math is pretty simple. $20 gets you a puzzle piece, $40 gets you two, and so on.

Our sweet boy lives in Kunming, which is in southern China,
just north of Laos and Thailand.

As always, we are so grateful to everyone for the extreme kindness and generosity that has been shown to our family throughout this journey. We truly could not do this without the help of so many. We cannot wait to welcome our precious son into his forever family!

So, Why Adoption...Again?

Once upon a time, we made a plan. Sam and I said we'd adopt and then we'd return to Jacksonville, Florida for our remaining embryos. And yet, here we are, right smack in the middle of an international adoption. I'll be honest, I feel that tension. The reality of embryos sitting in a freezer in Florida with my name on them is a heavy burden...most days, that's exactly how it feels. But let me back up.

Adopting Garrison was quite possibly the single greatest, most defining event in my life. I feel like an entirely different person now. It feels accurate to divide my life in two, BG (before Garrison) and AG (after Garrison). Now part of that is certainly simply taking on the role of mother. That in and of itself changes every woman whether she expects it and welcomes it or not. Something simply shifts when you become a mom. But for me, it goes far beyond that. Adopting rocked my world on every level. It often feels as if it quite literally shattered my heart. For me, adoption was no longer about family building, instead it became about orphan care. I thought I cared about the orphan before, but now I think about the orphans on a daily basis and my heart breaks for the fatherless.

Another thing that changed for me after adopting was my desire to get pregnant and give birth. Some women adopt and still long for the experience of pregnancy and birth...it doesn't diminish their love for their children who were adopted, but it remains a desire for them. Others no longer carry that dream after adopting. I was 100% sure I'd be in the former camp. There was absolutely no way my desire to carry a child and give birth could ever go away...the desire was just too strong. And then a funny thing happen. I woke up one day and realized it was 100% gone. I say that and I think people thing I'm joking or just trying to be positive. Nope. Dead serious. In fact, I'd prefer NOT to ever get pregnant. For real. The only desire that remains for me is for healing. I still desire the answer to my prayers. I still desire for the Lord to reach down and heal me, not because I want to be pregnant or have a biological child, but because I'd love for that to be a part of my story. Does that make sense? Honestly, what I'd really love is to wake up one day with the knowledge that God had healed me and then I'd never test Him on it. "Cool. Thanks. I appreciate that. Now I'd like to not get pregnant, mmm-kay? Thanks." that's how I imagine our conversation would go.

And that my friends is a really interesting place to sit with four embryos in the freezer. In fact, it's a kind of yucky place to sit. I have these embryos that I feel responsible for, and yet, I don't really want to transfer them at this point. Yuck, right? I told you, it's not a good place to sit. We personally don't believe in discarding them or donating them to research and they are far, far too poor of quality to donate. The reality is that the odds are high that I will not get pregnant from the embryos. We know that and the doctors have agreed. We went down and spoke with the doctors at FIRM almost two years ago and they confirmed that the odds were low. Not non-existent, but low...I tend to lower the percentages of any Reproductive Endocrinologist a good twenty percent, so we're talking seriously low. So why won't I just transfer them and be done with it? Well, because it feels pretty gross to think about taking meds and stepping back on to the roller coaster all to hope that it doesn't  work. Ewww. It's not the same as just hoping the pregnancy test will be negative after unprotected sex, at least, it's not the same to me. It's hoping that the embryos don't survive. Ughh. That's tough. And until I can get my head in a place where I am open and receptive to a pregnancy, I don't feel good about opening that door again. Until I can say that I'm at least open to the idea of a pregnancy, I don't want to step anywhere near the roller coaster that is infertility treatments, let alone strap myself in.

So that's one part of it; I don't really want to be pregnant. The other part is that I desperately want to adopt again. Adoption is absolutely, without a doubt NOT the only way that we can care for orphans. In fact, I feel so very strongly that orphan care does not, cannot begin with adoption. Orphan care starts with orphan prevention. But, with that being said, I do believe in adoption. I believe that "God sets the lonely in families." I believe that believers are called to care for the orphan. And while I do not believe that it is the responsibility of the infertile couple to step torward for adoption, I do believe that infertility is a part of my story so that I would be directed towards the path of orphan care.

Over the last several years, I've followed several adoptive mamas on Instagram and as I thought and prayed and researched, I felt a strong desire to adopt from China, specifically from the waiting child list. We are overjoyed at the prospect of adopting a child with special needs into our home and we are thrilled to bring a child from China into our home and call them son or daughter. Truly, this is our plan A at this point and we could not be more excited for this opportunity!

With that said, we do still plan to return to Jacksonville following this adoption. I don't know what that looks like or how I can move from where I am today to a place of desiring a pregnancy without falling back into the crazy. I'm not sure exactly what steps I need to take to get my head on straight in terms of infertility treatments, pregnancy, biological children...all of that, but I know that I'm willing to take the steps to be ready and I know that we are committed to seeing that our embryos have the chance we promised them over three years ago. For now, we wait and pray that the Lord will bring us to and through the Chinese adoption experience. We are excited for the days, week, months, and even years ahead.

The Nitty Gritty Details

Thank you all for sharing in our joy. We are so excited about our newest adoption journey. It has already proven to be one heck of a ride, but that just makes the story that much sweeter. We're fielding lots of great questions post announcement. The most common are "When will you travel to China?" and "Are you raising money?"

To the first...let's table that, shall we? The easiest answer is that we don't know. I hope to provide a bit more insight into that and into our process soon. As to the second, to each and every person who has asked, I could seriously hug your neck. Gosh, we're grateful! Fundraising is a super humbling experience. It's a little bit embarrassing and way outside of my comfort zone to ask for help, let along help in the form of financial gifts. But as I've spent more time in the adoption world, I've seen that for so many, it is a joy to give to so that orphans may be called sons and daughters. We are so thankful that the gift of money connects us all and that we can all take part in adoption in different ways.

The short answer is yes! Absolutely, we will be fundraising! The estimated cost for an adoption through Lifeline Children's Services (our agency) for China at this time is just shy of $35,000. That doesn't include a few additional costs that we've already had (hello psych evaluation, I'm looking at you!). My guess is that we'll land closer to $37,000 once all is said and done. I know that number can be staggering, but I hope it's also viewed in perspective. Many, if not most, domestic infant adoptions end up costing close to, if not more (or A LOT more) than that and this number includes our travel costs to China. While it is a daunting figure, let's keep in mind that there are many, many, many things being paid for. SO many people have a role to play in this process. When I think about the sheer number of people I'm in contact with at our agency, the number suddenly seems pretty understandable.

We are currently working to get our fundraising set up with Lifesong for Orphans, a nonprofit ministry that helps adoptive families with the finances for adoption. If approved, we'll have a way for people to quickly and easily donate tax free. We're estimating that this will be available sometime in September, but until then, we're paying for everything out of our adoption account. "You have an adoption account?" you may ask. Yep. Ever since we started saving for Garrison's adoption we've had a separate savings account for adoption. We left it open when we completed Garrison's adoption. Adoptive parents can file for a tax credit after completing an adoption. At the time of Garrison's adoption, the tax credit was for $13,400. We received the full tax credit over two years. We carefully put every penny of that money directly into the savings account. At the time we started this adoption, the adoption tax credit, plus the money we saved and added to it gave us a total of just over $17,000.

It's a long way to go, for sure, but friends, I'm so confident. The Lord was so, so good to us in our adoption of Garrison. Our friends, family, and people I've never met gave so generously. I 100% know that this is a doable thing. We can earn, save, and raise another $20,000. We absolutely can! I will certainly update once we have a giving option set up. In the mean time, we're taking Dave Ramsey's advice to sell so much stuff, the kids think they're next. :)

You may also have heard or seen that I took an odd leap of faith (for me) and decided to become an Ambassador for Noonday Collection. Noonday Collection has long been my go-to for jewelry and my favorite place to shop with a purpose as they are a fair-trade company. In May, I decided to become an Ambassador to help fund our adoption...but I wasn't ready to tell you that then. :) 100% of the profit I earn as an Ambassador of Noonday is going directly into our adoption account...seriously, it's direct deposit. So as we approach the holidays please consider shopping for your sister, mother, friend, or best of all, for yourself by shopping Noonday with me as your Ambassador. Not only will you be supporting Operation Baby Greavu #2, but you're also helping support vulnerable communities by providing a marketplace for them. Noonday works with  businesses through fair trade, empowering them to grow sustainably and to create dignified jobs for people who need them. And if you're local, let's do a trunk show! I earn money for our adoption and you earn FREE jewelry! That's a win!

As usual, I'm blogging less than I intended. By the time I get all of the posts that are planned in my head together, I'll likely be in China...for real. Thanks for all of your encouragement to keep blogging even when the days turn to weeks and, ahem, months between posts. I love this space. My life just calls me away. Until next time, much love.

Loved From Afar

For those of you that follow me on social media, you probably heard the news yesterday. For the rest of you: We're Adopting...again.

This will have to be several posts (which is kind of terrifying...must. write. more.), but today, I just wanted to give everyone the basic details.

First of all, we're going international this time. I'll explain our heart behind this decision in more detail later, but ultimately for us it came down to a few things. For one, international adoption was always a part of our plan. Way before infertility or miscarriage, our plan was to adopt internationally. Secondly, last time, when we adopted Garrison, I was desperate for a newborn. Seriously desperate. I wanted the whole experience. If I'm being 100% honest, the hardest thing about accepting Garrison's file for me was that he was already here...8 days old. At that stage in my life 8 days felt OLD. Bless. Now, I feel totally different. Don't get me wrong. I love to snuggle some babies, but I don't need an infant in the same way. But mostly, there are thousands of people waiting to adopt infants in the US. It is rare that an infant is not adopted if placed for adoption in the United States. However, that is not the truth in other parts of the world.

So where are we going? In case you don't recognize the country pictured above, it's China! It's been a roller coaster of sorts all ready, but China is a good fit for our family for various reasons. We meet all of the requirements (well, sort of) and the required in country stay is doable. For us, the in country stay is the hardest part of the requirements. Brazil is 5-6 weeks. Ukraine is 6-9 weeks. China is 10-14 days, much, much more feasible for our family. China was also always part of "the plan." Way back when, we said we hoped to adopt a little boy from Africa, likely Ethiopia or Uganda, and a little girl (because obviously) from China. When we started talking about adopting again over a year ago, China was the most natural choice and our research confirmed that this continued to be a good choice for our family.

At this time, our home study is complete. It's been a long four months filled with appointments, evaluations, and all of the other things that go along with a home study. Our next step is our dossier. Once complete, it will be sent to China (also known as DTC-dossier to China). International adoption has as many acronyms as the infertility world...it seems like a foreign language at first, but now I can carry on full conversations about LID (log in date) and PA (pre-approval) and LOI (letter of intent). Adopting from China is very different from domestic infant adoption, so if you're already confused about the process and how far along we are, well, join the party. This link provides a fairly simple but comprehensive explanation to the various paths available for Chinese adoptions. For reference, we're at 2a...lots and lots and lots left to do!

We are open to either a boy or a girl, which means that the odds are that we will bring home another son. No, that's not a typo. If you're not connected to the China adoption community, you likely believed that girls are far more common than boys. While that was once true, it is no longer accurate. We also know that the child will be younger than Garrison, but that's our only age stipulation. While we know people who have adopted out of birth order, we have chosen to keep Garrison as our oldest child. We are however open to what is known as artificial twinning, basically children that are closer in age that 9 months. As long as Garrison is older by one day, we're good to go.

That pretty much catches you up to date on the logistics of everything to date. I will do my very best to blog more regularly throughout this process. I'll end by saying this: we are ecstatic and overjoyed that this is our life and we feel so blessed to have the opportunity to adopt one of China's precious children. We may not know what our son or daughter looks like, but we have full confidence that he or she is already here on earth and in need of a family. He or she is already SO LOVED from afar. We cannot wait for each and every step along this journey (well, maybe not the flight). More to come, friends. Thank you for sharing in our joy.

Two Years to Love

It's a little laughable to even say I blog anymore. More accurate would be to say that I occasionally sweep some of the cobwebs off. With this in mind, Garrison turned two back in February. It boggles my mind that I've known this little love for two whole years, and yet, in some ways, I can hardly remember life without him.

Most. Handsome.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubs, Little Love, Nugget, G

Pretending we aren't afraid of nibbling fish.

Stats: I'm over it. He's little. Everyone is just going to have to deal. I've worked my butt off to get calories in his body and meat on his bones. At his two year visit he was 22 lbs 8 oz and 33.75 in. He wears 18 month clothes in everything but rompers and one piece PJs. He needs a little more length in those.

The sweetest little face.

He has 16 teeth, all but the second molars. I honestly believed he'd get those early too as he was so early getting all of his other teeth, but so far, nada.

First boat ride.

Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool

Eating: He still eats well, as in, he's not picky, but oh. my. gosh. is he slow. He is so distracted by everything. The dog. The cat. The light. The fork. The cup. The fork in the cup. A new paper towel. It's endless. I try not to get frustrated, but geeeeeez.

First haircut. Neither of us were too sure about this.

The CUTEST puppy ever.

Sleeping: Jesus loves me, this I know, for my kid sleeps through the night. Going to bed is not super easy right now. I'm not sure if he's scared or just stubborn, but he's not interested in going to bed even if he's exhausted. Once he's down though, he's out. He so very rarely wakes up in the middle of the night and always goes back to sleep quickly without help. I have to wake him up almost every morning, and boy is he maaaadddd. This one is going to be interesting come teenage years. He goes to bed at 8 and, if allowed to sleep in, will regularly sleep until 8:15 or 8:30. He does not nap well though. Naps are pure torture. I'm not ready to give up though because naps are PRECIOUS to me.

A boy and his toys on Christmas morning.

G: Mom, why are you always taking my photo in the bath?
Me: Because it's the only moment you sit still. 

Likes: Oh gosh, he likes everything he's not supposed to like. Coloring on the floor. Coloring on the table. Hitting animals or people with sticks, bats, etc. He's OBSESSED with dogs. He's also become quite excited about trucks, tractors, planes, trains, etc. Oh and he loves stickers. Loves them. Oddly enough, he thinks stickers only belong on a person's back (that's where ID stickers go at church), so he is constantly putting stickers on my back. He likes everything physical. Running. Jumping. Sliding. Flipping. He always has scrapes, bumps, bruises, cuts, etc. I'm used to it by now.

"Dog."
That's what he's saying. Count on a field of dogs to distract this kid mid photoshoot.

Dislikes: Clothes. Or at least the clothes I pick. He likes shirts, but only soft T-shirts. No button-up shirts. He doesn't like shorts or pants at all. He doesn't like being told no, being inside, or being in timeout.

Exactly when did you grow up?

Looking forward to: Spring, summer and fall. My little love prefers to be outside every minute of the day, so nice weather and longer days make for a muuuuchhh happier G. I'm ready to open the pool and enjoy lots of sunshine with my little nugget.

SPRING TIME! We're both shouting for joy!

I'm so thankful for a second year with this precious boy. He brings so much light and laughter and joy into my life. The Lord was so merciful and kind when he gave me Garrison.

The Birthday Boy. This might be my favorite photo ever.
This is exactly how I see him in my mind.

Easy Adoption

Oxymoron, right? Adoption isn't easy. In fact, it's down right hard. I often get asked if I think adoption should be easier. That's a big question encompassing a lot of possibilities because the process of adopting can be complicated by many different variables.

Sometimes the cost of adoption is the difficult part. Abba Fund, an organization providing adoption assistance, states that "33% of Americans consider adoption. 79% of those are concerned about the costs, the biggest deterrent. Less than 2% adopt." Numbers like that prove that the cost of adoption is a truly difficult piece of the adoption journey. International adoptions range in cost from about $20,000 to $50,000 depending on agency, country, and travel requirements. Domestic adoptions vary wildly in costs as there are many factors including the age of the child and whether an adoption agency or state organization is involved. An adoption of an older child from foster care can be practically free while an infant adoption via an agency can reach $60,000. Believe me, I've seen numbers like that and thought about choking. Ethical considerations swirl around the subject of expenses within adoption. What constitutes "reasonable living expenses" that can be covered for a birth mother and what crosses the line into paying for a child? It seems like it should be a very black and white, definitive line, but you'll find hundreds of opinions within the world of adoption. But if there are so many orphans in the world, shouldn't it be cheaper to adopt?

Another complicating factor of adoption is the approval process, also known as the home study. Whether adopting privately, through an agency, through foster care, or from across the world, a home study is required before a judge will finalize an adoption. The process is rigorous. Lengthy questionnaires looking for details on everything from your childhood relationships with family to your beliefs on corporal punishment must be completed. Multiple interviews with social workers take place. A literal home inspection looking at and inspecting anything and everything must occur. I've heard of some people who were required to open sock and underwear drawers and display the contents of their medicine cabinets. The home study is at best intense, and at worst, overwhelming. Some people think the process is far too invasive. I mean, if there are so many orphans in the world, shouldn't it be easier to adopt?

It's a complicated and convoluted world in adoption. Can adoption be cheaper than it often is? Absolutely. Are there unethical adoption agencies, attorneys, and birth families out there racking up huge profits off of adoption? Yes. Can the process of approving individuals and families for adoption be more efficient, intentional, and less abrasive? Definitely. Are there awful circumstances in which people get certified to adopt or foster and go on to abuse children? Yes. Is any of this easy to solve? No.

One of the most common questions I get asked is phrased like this: "if there are so many orphans in the world, why is it so hard to adopt?" Most often, the long wait is the most frustrating part of their question. That's the root of the pain. They stepped into adoption accepting the cost and the approval process, but they were unprepared for the very complex and painful wait. Shouldn't it be more simple? If A wants a child and B is a child needing a forever family, shouldn't we be able to put A and B together quickly since both are waiting for one another?

In terms of an adoption through the state (i.e. that state's version of child protective services), the state's goal (and rightfully so) is always the best interest of the child. And most often it is decided that it is within the child's best interest to ultimately live with his or her birth family. That may not be possible today (cue entry into the foster care system), but the hope is that tomorrow (or the day after, or six months from now) the child can be reunified with his or her first family. That ultimately looks like a long wait. The state intervened for a reason and that reason isn't fixed overnight. The birth family has to be given the opportunity and time to change the circumstances.

In terms of international adoption, the children up for adoption are just that, available to be adopted, so it seems that the process should be that much easier and faster. There's no period of time spent waiting for the parental rights to be terminated and going back and forth through the courts. However, it is often still a lengthy process. There is a ton of red tape. Buckets upon buckets. For example: Did you know that even if you've previously been fingerprinted for an adoption, a subsequent adoption requires that you be fingerprinted again? What the what? Do they think your fingerprint changed? On top of all of the bureaucratic regulations in place to keep children safe, there are simply the logistical issues of two countries working together to agree on one thing. Turn on the news and you'll see that this very rarely happens. Often there are language barriers which in and of itself adds time to the process as every document submitted by the sending country has to be translated by the receiving country. I've heard of expedited circumstances in which the child would likely die if left in the home country, but typically the process takes months if not years to complete.

And then there's domestic infant adoption. This one is also unique. Whether waiting to adopt through your state or through a private agency or by finding a birth mother on your own, there is a wait involved. At the very least, you're waiting for the baby to be born, but typically you're waiting for a match, then waiting for the baby to be born, and then waiting for the termination of parental rights. Anyone who has experienced a failed adoption would tell you this wait is treacherous and not for the faint of heart.

So let's return back to the question. If there are so many orphans in the world, why is it so hard to adopt? There are certainly really, really hard parts of adoption. But honestly, as I mentioned before, that question often stems from a place of frustration with the wait. Can we be real with one another for a moment? The wait is often for a healthy child. The younger the better. The healthier the better. And all too often, the whiter the better...especially in domestic adoption. There are MILLIONS of children waiting for adoption right now, but they are older, they have more complex and severe medical needs, or they aren't Caucasian. That's the truth of the matter. I know what you're thinking: "umm, hello Amanda. Didn't you adopt a freaking gorgeous baby boy with blonde hair and blue eyes?" Yep. I did. I'm the first to admit that I desperately wanted an infant. I really wasn't even open to a young baby...I wanted a newborn. We were open to any race...his fair skin, blonde hair, and  blue eyes weren't traits we were looking for. It just happened. And he's healthy. There were some early medical issues that we didn't know the extent of, but so far they have all proven to be non-issues. So I'm the first to raise my hand and say that I adopted a healthy infant. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, there are many things that are beautiful and so right about that. I just think we have to be honest with ourselves. When we express frustration that "there are so many orphans in the world," let's make sure we're being honest with ourselves that the large portion of those orphans are not healthy infants.

So why is adoption so hard? Well, for all of the reasons mentioned above. The home study is hard. Funding an adoption is hard. Waiting is hard. However, I think the wait is part of it. It's an important part. It's a frustrating, torturous, heartbreaking part. But for me, it was the part where my heart finally began to align with the Father's. It was the part where some healing began. It was in those quite, still, hard moments that I began to see my story as more than mine...that there was more to all of this than my entitlement to have a child of my own. It's easy to say all of this and see all of this in hindsight. And wow...I would NOT say this to someone in the wait. In the wait, you say this sucks. In the wait, you buy chocolate and flowers and coffee. But with distance, the waiting part becomes this season of molding, of melding, of preparation for the journey ahead.

Again, this is all easy to say and write on this side of adoption. I fully recognize and know that if we step back into the adoption journey nothing will be east. The home study will be unbearable. The fundraising part and saving part will be humbling and extremely difficult. And the waiting part will be grueling. But I pray that this time around, I'd see the forest and not just the trees, so to speak. When I begin to question, "why is this so hard?," I pray I'd remember that there is purpose in all of it. In the money spent. In the forms filled out and the boxes checked. And always, always in the wait.