Curious Cats

So you know the old adage, Crazy Old Cat Lady? There is something about older, single, ladies that appears to draw cats. Are they unmarried because they have cats? Or do they have so many cats because they aren't married? Hmmmmmm.

Okay, spinster cat ladies, is actually NOT the topic here. But I've begun to notice a trend, and I'm wondering if there is anything scientific behind this:

Infertile Ladies are More Likely to have Cats than Fertile Myrtles

I know, I know, that seems crazy. What proof do I have? Very subjective evidence I'll admit, but cheek this out. I follow the blogs of 23 ladies who have dealt with or are dealing with infertility, include me, and that makes 24.

Crazy (Cool) Cat Ladies:

1. Me
2. Scrambled Eggs
3. Submerged
4. If You Don't Stand for Something
5. Something Beautiful
6. From my Bathtub
7. Hopeful and Hungry
8. My Bum Ovaries
9. Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen
10. Sometimes it's Hard to get Pregnant
11. Patience is not my Virtue

That is almost HALF!!! Now, tell me, are half of your female friends cat owners? Not mine. I'm constantly surrounded by "I'm allergic" and "I'm a dog person". In fact, I think I recently met the only other person I know in real life who owns a cat. So it's strange to me that HALF of my fellow TTCers own cats. Now obviously, not all infertiles have cats. In fact, by my little "experiment" here, more than half do not. So it is quite apparent that there is NOT a direct correlation between cat ownership and infertility. But it does seem that there is some type of connection. What might it be?

Possible Answers to this Question:

1. Cats cause infertility (hmmmm, seems doubtful, but I guess possible)
2. Infertile women are innately more attracted to cats than fertile women (maybe this is how spinsters end up with so many cats)
3. I am subconsciously drawn to fellow bloggers who have cats

If you google cats and infertility you'll get the usual about toxoplasmosis and the risks there, but obviously that has more to do with staying pregnant or keeping baby healthy, and nothing to do with getting pregnant. But there do seem to be lots of "old wive's tales" out there that cats cause infertility. Odd. There are also lots of stories about people getting rid of a cat due to infertility or fear over a pregnancy. Hmmmm…

I don't know about you ladies, but I've had a cat since I was 8 years old. She was my first pet. She was a blue pint Himalayan named Soo Ming. I loved that little girl to pieces. She died at the ripe old age of 16. Broke my poor little heart.

Now, I have a seal point Himalayan named Everest. She is three and a half. She is basically the sweetest little fur ball you've ever seen. And she is a trooper too. I don't think she would have come home with me quite so calmly had she known we were going to add a 8 week old Weimaraner to the mix 6 months later.

Everest,  lying across Harry Potter so I am forced to pet her

I can't imagine that this little baby is the root of all of my problems, nor that my first cat was. Although, I do suspect that if I ever do bring home a baby, Everest will throw a royal hissy fit. She didn't like the addition of husband to the mix, now her giant grey brother. I'm guessing baby won't win her over either.

So what do you think? Is there anything here? Strange coincidence? What about you, are your infertile friends cat owners?

Blogger Dearest

I've been nominated for the Liebster Award. What the heck is this you may ask? I'm taking the words from fellow blogger, Bree, over at Thought Provoking Moments:

The Liebster Blog Award is given to up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers, and nominated by fellow bloggers. Liebster is a German word meaning sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome. 

I was nominated by fellow blogger and TTCer Alie at Patience is Not my Virtue. Thanks Alie! Alie is precious. I haven't been following her for very long as she has only been blogging for a few short months, but she hit the ground running and got very involved in the blogging community (something I have been slow to do).

So what's the deal with this award? Well it appears that it's origins are kind of unknown as are the rules, so I'm going to stick with the general consensus of those being nominated now instead of two years ago. Basically once nominated, you answer the questions posed to you by your nominator, then you select 11 fellow bloggers who meet the criteria and pose questions to them. Sounds an awful lot like the dreaded chain letter, but I'm trying to be better at taking part in the blogging community, so here goes.

If you could choose one word from the dictionary to describe yourself,  which would you choose? 

Learner. Okay, so in a real dictionary, this would technically be under "learn". But that's a verb, and I didn't consult a dictionary. I'm going with Strengths Finders 2.0 here. Here is the definition of my top strength,"People who are especially talented in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them". That's definitely me, in all things. I'm not really a people person, but in a situation in which I can learn about you, I'm a sponge. And I'll remember it all. I also research things until I'm blue in the face. I'm thinking I may have been given infertility so that I could start my education towards becoming an RE myself (kidding, but somedays I wonder).

What’s your biggest pet peeve?

Hypocrites. I try to live my life under the guidelines of this scripture, "When they continued to ask Jesus their question, he raised up and said, 'Anyone here who has never sinned can throw the first stone at her'." (John8:7). I think non-Christians often have a negative image of Christianity, one that Christians all too often deserve. We often forget that we are sinners too, that we are imperfect people living under God's grace. I HATE when I hear Christians pass judgment on others or use manmade rules to judge their fellow man. I think if we began every relationship from a place of love, the world would be a better place and people might actually want what we've got.

Throughout your journey, what is the most important lesson you’ve learned thus far?

Can we say learning? I certainly haven't learned this yet, but I would say the meaning of childlike faith.

What’s your favorite childhood memory?

Ski trips with my family. We use to return yearly to my home state of Colorado to go for gloriously long, expensive family vacations. I was far too young to appreciate the expense, which was beautiful, because I couldn't feel guilty about it. I was also way too young to pick up on the disfunction in my family or the underlying currents at play. I was oblivious. I was in love. With Colorado, with snow, with my gorgeous ski instructors (I think I was 6, the first time), with hot tubs in the snow, with snow angels, with wood fires, with scarves, hats, and gloves. 

What’s your biggest regret?

Can we just say high school? High school was rough for me (isn't it for everybody?). I looked for comfort in all the wrong places. I wasn't socially outgoing enough to survive in the midst of cheerleaders, student council leaders, and the popular cliques. I made some dumb decisions in high school. So I guess if I could do it again I would, but ughhh, who wants to go back to high school?

If you could change a life experience, what would it be?

I think that's obvious. Infertility. I am not one of those TTCers who can honestly say I'm thankful for infertility and the lessons it has taught me. Nope. I'm good. I'll give this up at anytime.

Tell us something quirky about you.

Just one thing? Ha. I'm more likely to stop and help an animal on the side of the road than a person. I know, I know. I could get bitten. I could get attacked. I could get rabies. But injured, sad, mommyless animals make me sooooooo sad. And whether it is true or not, I think I'm a lot more likely to get attacked by people than an animal.

What’s your favorite dish/meal?

Whatever my husband makes. ; ) Well, no, not everything he makes. I hate his jambalaya. I think I'd go with his homemade Hawaiian pizza, but a close second would be his homemade pork pot stickers. Yep, I married a foodie.

Who or what’s been your biggest influence throughout life?

I've been very blessed to have lots of influential people in my life. Some really awesome friends who have inspired me or motivated me. A fabulous boss, (married Sam and I) from whom I will always seek wise counsel. Lots of people have been influential. But longest lasting, and therefore, most influential throughout my life would definitely be my mom. She is so strong. She has been through her own hell(s) during her life and things like losing a teenaged brother, losing a young father, miscarriage, cheating husbands, and divorce have not caused her to waiver in her positive attitude. She has been a light in the darkest moments of my life.

Do you have a bucket list?

Umm, no. I plan to live to be 100. I've got time. Plus mine would be uber boring at this point in my life.  No skydiving or anything crazy like that. I'm too much of a scaredy cat for anything too awesome.

What do you do for a living?

Umm, nothing. I majored in graphic design and worked briefly in the field, but I haven't done much in a couple of years. I'm currently unemployed due to our move and the commencement of fertility treatments. However, these days are almost over. Job hunt 2012 will commence soon. Eventually, I'd like to be a stay at home mom (maybe even homeschool), but we shall see.

Okay, so that's enough about me. Maybe that dictionary word should have been long-winded. : ) So who am I nominating? Check these lovely ladies out.

Lesley Anne @ Front Porch Sittin' with the Fentons
Kara @ From My Dreams to My Arms

Jessica @ From my Bathtub

Bren @ Bren's Baby Bump

Trisha @ The Elusive Second Line
Tami @ Submerged
Ali @ Here  I Go Again

(these last ladies are by no means new to blogging, 
but they are under the 200 stipulation;

if you aren't following them, you should be)

Erika @ Something Beautiful

Amanda @ Meet the Joiners
Allison @ The Blogivers
(she is soooo close to 200, hop on over and give her a look)

1. Why did you start blogging?
2. What's your biggest pet peeve?
3. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
4. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
5. What's your favorite book?
6. What is the quirkiest thing about you?
7. If dreams always came true, how many kids would you want?
8. What is your greatest vice?
9. What is your favorite thing about your husband?
10. What is your happiest childhood memory?
11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be?

Cloudy (with a Chance of Sun + Rain)

Emotional Climates. That's what we are discussing at my church and in my small group. The promo video for the series made me feel like this series was probably made for me. Probably not in a warm-fuzzy feeling, but in a you need to take action kind of way. Oh goody. My favorite.

So basically the video (which you can see here under Climate Change: Forecast) starts with people conducting daily activities. Walking down the sidewalk, cleaning the kitchen, playing golf, etc. Above their heads spins a wheel of emotions represented by weather icons. Happy = sunshine, angry = thunderstorm, etc. You get the picture. While watching the video, I couldn't help but think that my weather icon would be cloudy. Permanently.

Emotions have always been complex and difficult for me. I respond, interact, and make decisions often solely based on how I feel. As you can imagine, this has gotten me into lots of trouble in my life. And all too often, I don't even try to combat it. I allow my period to make me moody, and I just expect those around me to deal with it, because "hey, I've got an excuse." Over the last year, I've allowed infertility to become the ultimate excuse for a down right dismal emotional climate.

Don't get me wrong. Us infertiles, our lives are tough, and somedays, we deserve to have an off day. We deserve to be a hormonal mess, we deserve to be raging mad, we deserve aloofness from the rest of the world. But not everyday. Even if it is our right to behave this way, it does us and our family a disservice.

Is it all cloudy in my world? No, of course not. There are moments, days even when the sun comes out, and I'm happy. It might not be the happiest I've ever been, because everything feels a little different under the infertile filter. But I am happy sometimes. Then, there are moments and days where the forecast is a whole lot worse than cloudy; it's thunderstorms, it's monsoon style rain, it's practically a tornado warning. I'm certainly guilty of this. The last time there was a monsoon around here: negative test day #2.

Anyway, the series at church is on climate change: how you can change your emotional climate. Convicted. I probably have a little work to do. Boo. I kind of like rainy days. But most people don't, and my husband didn't choose to live in Forks, Washington, so I've got to find a way to pursue a baby without allowing my emotions about failures and setbacks to set my emotional climate for me.

But you get the picture: if something goes right, it's all "sunshiny" and "rose-colored glasses". On the other hand, if something goes wrong, it's "greener grass is on the other side" and "woe is me". And this is how I've always been. How do I change? No good ideas over here. I'm thinking the best philosophy for starting out is maybe "fake it till you make it". Add in some like minded people who radiate happiness and keep a thankful attitude, and I'll probably become little miss sunshine. We shall see.

Step one in changing your emotional climate is apparently to find out what your climate is (I'm pretty clear on mine). The "take-home" item for the week was a dare to ask people a simple question: "what's it like to be, on the other side of me." I despise the wording of this question as it requires a full explanation and cannot stand alone, but the answers from it can be really valuable. I won't even get into the giant can of worms that was opened when asking my husband this question. That is for another day. The remainder of the series goes on to discuss how things like conflict and insecurities can affect your emotional climate. Good thing there are three more weeks of this and a great group of people I can work through this with, because obviously, this is just for me.

How about you? Do you need to work on your emotional climate? Do you even know the climate you project and carry with you wherever you go?

Rat Race

Does anybody ever get out of this rat race?

I was reminded Saturday at my IUI that, as sad as it is, a positive pregnancy test does not mean a take home baby. I'm not trying to be dramatic, and I know I've got to keep a positive attitude during the next two weeks, but oh, my heart was aching for the woman in the room beside me. Just moments before my IUI, I heard screaming. Not joyous screaming, not scared screaming, but wailing, hair wrenching, gut twisting, screaming. And then the crying. The sobbing took over. I'm not sure what was happening, but my guess is that her ultrasound delivered bad news (there were ultrasound photos outside the room when I left). Obviously it wasn't a pregnancy test result as those are delivered over the phone. It didn't sound like just bad news either, it sounded like someone died, literally. My heart broke for her. Whoever she is.

My IUI went fine. Numbers wise, it was the worst IUI to date, but it is what it is. I've somewhat come to terms with this IUI. Either it works, or it doesn't, and stressing, analyzing, and researching what each number means statistically will not change the end result. It is all out of my hands at this point; all I can do is keep my body as healthy as possible so that if we fertilize our little egg, we have the best chance of implanting and staying put.

This is all that I'm going to allow myself to focus on in the two weeks ahead. There will be plenty of time to discuss IVF, what went wrong, and what to do in the meantime after the pregnancy test. There will be tons of time to worry about keeping myself pregnant if I ever get pregnant.

But this past week in particular, I was reminded that two pink lines, a heartbeat, and even a live birth does not guarantee a take home baby. And this is heartbreaking. FIVE of the bloggers that I follow are currently suffering through a miscarriage. TWO are in the waiting days for their first or next betas to confirm or deny the home pregnancy tests. My cousin's cousin delivered a beautiful baby boy at 23 weeks, and she buried him on Wednesday. And then the poor lady at the doctor. My heart is hurting for all of them. It really is soooooooo unfair. I get that life isn't fair. I get that for the most part, we are an incredibly blessed people who have far more than others. But in this, life is not fair. It seems to kick us even when we are down. Just when it seems that one of us might actually escape this endless maze, we find ourselves staring at another dead end.

So I ask again, does anyone ever get out of this rat race?

Nerves of Tin Foil

Well, just call me Nervous Nelly. I feel sooooo much more anxious than I did for IUI #1, which I guess is understandable as THIS IS IT. But oh goodness, I'm a bundle of nerves right about now and scared out of my mind.

Let's back up a minute. You remember that post where I said there was ZERO percent chance of me being pregnant before my birthday, well stop the presses, but it appears that there actually is a chance. Now this won't be a confirmed pregnancy, not even an implanted pregnancy, but it seems that there will actually be, however infinitesimally small a chance, that sperm might meet egg before my birthday.

"How is this possible," you ask? I am equally floored to learn this. You will understand my SHOCK when I peed on my OPK this morning to see a smiley face looking back at me. Huh?!?!? I have never, ever, not ever  received a positive OPK before CD 18. Today is CD 13. Thankfully I already had my mid-cycle planned for this morning. It appears to be true, I am ready to bust, sans hCG injection this go around. My lining is gorgeous, 11mm grade 1. Nice cushy spot for baby to snuggle up, don't you think? The down side is that upping the dose on Femara did not in fact make more follicles. I have one follicle on my right side, 28mm. So the husband should be happy; no risk of twins this time. I of course am a little bummed. I wanted lots and lots of big follicles. My doctor said that as I am proving rather difficult to impregnate, she wouldn't cancel the cycle for as many as 4 follicles. I am, of course, doubting the decision to go with femara now, as I know on clomid I'd have 3+ follicles. Hindsight is 20/20. There is no going back now though, so on we go.

IUI #3 (THE LAST ONE) is set for tomorrow morning at 9:45. As it is a Saturday, Sam will be there this time. That is comforting as, if today is any indication, I will be a nervous wreck waiting for the appropriate moment to have a giant ugly cry.

So here is my plea: I'm calling on all intercessors and prayer warriors. I don't usually ask for prayer coverage, but if you will, lift us up this weekend. Ovulation will probably occur tonight, so Saturday is a crucial day, but this weekend is all considered "well-timed". I'm scared out of my mind right now, so my prayers sound like incoherent garbldy-gook. So step alongside us and pray for a literal miracle. A "God breathing life into nothing" miracle. A "the odds are so against you" miracle. Because people, I need a miracle.

I'll update all of you avid and interested readers of my stirrup days tomorrow.

Head in the Game

Confession time: I threw a MAJOR pity party last week. My head was totally out of sorts. I was allowing myself to give up on this round and feel sorry for myself. I felt like I had a one-way ticket to IVF. I got super depressed and allowed myself to stay there.

Why was I in such a funk? Well I spoke with my nurse who mentioned that it would be good to get a consult on the books in case this cycle fails (boost of confidence, right?). I totally get that she was just making sure that I can move forward as quickly as I'm ready, but it wasn't what I needed to hear that day. I asked if this consultation would be for IVF, and I received a confirmative. If this cycle fails, they will recommend IVF. I knew this, but hearing it just made it so much more real. So that was a low point on Tuesday. Then Wednesday I spoke with her to say that there's no real rush to schedule the appointment. Without even knowing the price, we don't have the money. She casually mentioned that a ball park figure is $12,000 for IVF. Despite the astronomical number, at first I was thinking, "huh, not as bad as I thought. I was scared it would $15,000." But then she followed that up with "and then the meds are between $2,000 and $5,000." EXCUSE ME?!?!?!? I had in my head that IVF was between $10,000 and $15,000 and that was bad enough, but $17,000!!!!! Are you kidding me?

So you can see why I was a little bummed. It's not that I don't think a baby would be worth $17,000; I thoroughly believe it would be completely worth it. But this is the thing: that money doesn't buy you a baby; it buys you the chance of a baby, about a 60% chance to be exact. So it is completely realistic to assume you might have to do this more than once. I can't even fathom how long it would take Sam and I to save $17,000 dollars. And that's just one shot.

But, I am DONE with worrying about it. Do you hear me? I'm done (for now). We're in the middle of an IUI cycle and we need to give it every opportunity to succeed. So new protocol from here on out.

One thing I am not going to do… I'm not going to worry about being stressed. This is stressful. End of story. But worrying about what the stress is doing isn't helping anything. I read this article the other day and one of the talking points was that stress is inevitable in this, so find easy, simple ways to deal with it if you can, and just accept it. Basically the message is that stress from the treatment is not going to prevent success. What a relief! I loved this quote,"Stress is not contraception. If it were, no one in New York would get pregnant." Haha! Wonderful!

New week, new attitude. I had a fabulous, relaxing weekend, and for now, my head is in the game. I'm going to do EVERYTHING I possibly can to make this cycle successful. No more diet cokes, not even the caffeine free variety. I'm going to eat as many fruits and veggies as possible and limit the sweets and junk food. I'm going to try to get some exercise, whether elliptical, walking, or yoga at least 5 times a week. I'm simply going to try to be as healthy physically and emotionally as I can to give this last IUI the best chance of success I can. If it fails, I'll know that we tried everything possible. And we will decide at that point how and when we will cross the IVF bridge.

So wish me luck and start the prayers. Mid-cycle check is Friday. I want 3-5 big, beautiful follicles and a gorgeous uterine lining.

Fall and Friends

I am one happy and relaxed lady right about now and it is all thanks to some wonderful, beautiful friends and the gorgeous fall weather we've been having. Cue deep sigh.

Friday started off the weekend with a lovely fall wedding for two of our friends. It was a beautiful day and the bride was stunning! These are precious people who I met years ago when I worked at Athens Church. I loved them then, but I love them even more now. Literally, by the hand of God, we've ended up in what I term the "rockstar community group", and these two are a definite reason for the rockstar quality. Their ceremony was gorgeous and filled with so much love and support! They have a beautiful story of how they "found each other" and fell in love, and it is wonderful to be a part of the next chapter in that story.

The night continued with fun and festivities as we sat with several of our small group members and had time to chat with friends we haven't seen in years. The reception was perfect. The bride danced the night away in a whirlwind of friends and family and she looked beautiful even at the very, very end. Sam and I failed to take any pictures of ourselves as usual, despite the fact that there was the perfect set up. Adorable decoration idea: hang various picture frames from the ceiling over your tables and let the hilarity ensue. The photos I've seen thus far on Facebook have been hilarious and adorable.

Saturday morning came and we realized how old we are. Stinking exhausted after the late night of packing and preparing, but we were so excited to go camping! We went just outside of Brevard, NC to hike. This girl was way unprepared. I believe the 8 weeks of laziness and the additional "I'm depressed weight" didn't help, but man, I got my tail kicked. But it was awesome, and I truly loved every minute. We went with some dear friends that we met in Augusta, Kyle and Lesley Anne Fenton, and their awesome Weim, Doc. Needless to say, there were a lot of laughs on Saturday as the pups frolicked in the leaves. As if it's not hard to tell the two apart, Lesley Anne brought red bandanas and gave one to Sterling. Basically they looked like grey blurs with a flash of red as they streaked by. Keep an eye out at her blog for some additional photos, as I'm sure she will be posting soon.

Here are some lovely photos to document the trip:

PreHike: We're excited!

Everyone blazing ahead.

Lunch break at John's Rock

Looking across the valley at Looking Glass Rock

Post Hike: Sweaty but rejuvenated after lunch

Stop at a photo opp on our way home

Saturday night we had some scrumptious chili and s'mores. I may or may not have had two s'mores before the chili was ready. Yum! Camping with Sterling was a lot more successful than I thought it would be. I was worried that he would wander through the tent and cause destruction, but he slept like a sweetheart. It probably had to do with the 5+ miles we hiked, plus the additional miles he added as he looped us.

We woke up partially rested and sore to have some yummy pancakes and bacon for breakfast. There may or may not have been an additional s'more added after breakfast. I just felt bad for the fire. It looked lonely without my marshmallow in there.

I slept on the ride home, which my sweet husband decided to photograph and post to Facebook. He's such a sweetheart. I'll spare you the photo of sleepy, dirty, smoky Amanda. You're welcome.

I feel AMAZING after that beautiful weekend and truly thankful. I am so often concerned with the things that I don't have, the obvious, and the less talked about. It was wonderful to take some deep breaths this weekend and pause to recognize that I am truly blessed. I have an incredible husband, caring friends, and we are alive to witness another beautiful season that the Lord has given. Thankful.