All Exhausting Things Finally Come to an End

I feel like I just ran a marathon... the home study is finished. Well, so close it doesn't count. I've got to pick up one last form from the Police Station this week and fax it in, but otherwise, it's over. We sent our home study application in on October 6th, heard back two days later, and officially started the paperwork on October 11th. We did all three visits within ten days. I never imagined it would go this fast. It has been an absolute whirlwind. I'm incredibly thankful I have a semi-flexible job that allows me to take off work with little notice as I've been all over the place with doctor's appointments, fingerprinting requests, background checks, not to mention the home inspection was Saturday, so Friday was a deep clean/organize kind of day. Thankfully, she wasn't one to check in drawers or under beds.

October passed in an absolute blur. I barely acknowledged the birthdays this month (mine, my mom's, and my husband's). I think Everest was brushed for the first time all month on Friday so the home study inspector didn't find some correlation between tangled cat hair and bad future parent. I have been super neglectful of a lot of things all month, but we've been in overdrive. Now that it's over, I'm obviously completely exhausted. If it gives you any indication, Sam and I got home from our annual camping trip with our friends on Sunday and promptly took a two hour nap (heaven). Sam then proceeded to go to bed for the night at eight o'clock and slept until six this morning. We are beat. October is typically my favorite month of the year, but I'm strangely looking forward to November and a change of pace. Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend, and I am pumped! A- I need some incentive to get up in the morning, and a pitch black bedroom is not one of them, and B- an excuse to go to bed at eight o'clock every night sounds marvelous right about now.

We do still have our profile book to complete, so the stress isn't truly over, but it's waaaaayyy less stressful than the home study. And once it's completed an off to the printer, we're basically done. I'm sure there will still be things to do, but nothing like the last few weeks. I guess that's one great thing about rushing through the home study at warp speed, now that it's over, the hard part is definitely behind us. We're about to enter the period of active waiting, which I should be dreading, as patience is still not my virtue, but really, I'm looking forward to it. Essentially, once we send our home study and profile book off, we'll simply wait. It's a different sort of waiting than a lot of prospective adoptive parents go through, though. In our scenario, we won't get presented to birth mother's unless we but our names forward, which allows us to review the situation ahead of time. As an example, we've seen a few cases with predicted costs as high as $49,000... we won't be putting our names forward for those scenarios. The bad part about this setup is that we will know every time we are presented to a birth mother (and subsequently every time we are not picked)... I'm kind of dreading that part. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I have a feeling the first time it happens, it's going to feel like a kick to the stomach.

So that's about all of the update I have in me today. I'm hoping to finalize the profile book this week, and maybe, just maybe send it to the printer this weekend. After that, we'll start working on the puzzle. So consider this an open invitation to come over to my house if you enjoy puzzles. When I designed the puzzle, I failed to think through our many colors puzzles typically have... ours is a bit monochromatic, which I'm assuming will make this endeavor SUPER fun.

1000 pieces to this bad boy... I've already claimed the red.
Sam gets the brown. : )

This post feels scattered and disorganized, but I'm too tired to start over. So I'll just end by reminding everyone that Caroline's Stella Dot trunk show is still open for a few more days. Caroline has been extremely sweet to offer this fundraising project, so if you want in on the action, you have until the end of  THIS Friday.

So Much to Do

Oh man, you guys, I'm not sure if I've ever been this tired. The last few weeks have been INTENSE. The good news is that we're flying through our home study, the bad news is moving so quickly is A LOT of work.

We had our first home study visit last Thursday after a last minute cancellation on Wednesday. I guess I should clarify really quickly that the "home study" does not always take place in our home... and thank God for that because it's about all I can do to get a load or two of laundry done the last few weeks. The house looks like a tornado came through. Every home study is a little different depending on the state and the social worker, but for ours we have three visits plus eight bazillion pages of paperwork that make up our home study. The first two are outside of our home, it's the final one where they actually come and inspect our home. 

Our first visit went pretty well, so thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. I think we were both pretty nervous with so many unknowns, but our case worker is very kind and thus far, not at all like the horror stories you often hear. We aren't expected to have covers on the outlets or child locks on the cabinets... she's a realistic woman that doesn't expect us to live in a baby-ready, toddler-proofed house while we wait. I really appreciate that as I would go CRAZY if I had to live with those constant reminders for a year. 

We have our second appointment this Thursday and our final visit, including the home inspection, this Saturday. While I'm thrilled that we will be done with our responsibilities for the home study by Saturday morning, the work required to actually get there is unreal. I picked up a septic tank letter and had a TB test this morning all before going into work. Wednesday I've got to have the test read so I can prove I don't have tuberculous and that my entire reason for adopting is not to spread infectious diseases. Also between now and Saturday morning, we've got to pick up six letters of recommendation, get finger printed by GBI/FBI, conduct a 911 records report in the last two counties that we've lived, and run a criminal background check, not to mention complete our written portions of the home study paperwork.Should be easy, right?

This past weekend we went to the Together for Adoption conference. It was a great experience, we learned a ton, and came back feeling both really encouraged and really overwhelmed. It was unfortunately terrible timing as I had 2.4 million things that needed to get done, but it was also a great escape from the paperwork. The conference was really interesting as it dealt with some heavy issues like ethical concerns within the adoption community. Ethics and social justice have always been things that both interest me and overwhelm me. I, like so many at the conference, want to make sure that everything about this adoption and any future adoption is handled ethically and with the absolute best interest of the children involved. It was also really good for me to be reminded of the root reason I've been interested in adoption for so many years... not simply family building but also kingdom building. In light of infertility, adoption has seemed so much about what we are gaining...and we are gaining much through adoption. That will always be at the forefront of my mind; adoption gave us the opportunity for a family. However, the conference reminded me that adoption could also be incredibly life changing for our son or daughter. We may have the opportunity to break generational chains of poverty, alcohol and drug abuse, criminal records, etc. Obviously not every child is put up for adoption in America for such reasons, and we will happily help a college student who wants to place her child so that she can continue her education, but the reality is that many of the birth moms are placing their babies for adoption because they are dealing with drug addiction, they are homeless, or have no financial means to care for another child. It was good for me to be reminded that good can come from this for all of those involved.

We will hopefully get our home study report back sometime next week, at which point we can begin to present ourselves to birth mothers... except that we have nothing to present ourselves with. My bad. We've been SO focused on the home study that the profile book has slipped a bit. I'm hoping to edit out profile text and resubmit that to our consultant for review today. From there, I'll need to begin putting our book together. Once we have books in hand and and the home study report submitted, we can begin to present ourselves to birth mothers. Adoption, is much like infertility treatments I've found... a lot of hurry up and wait.

So if I fall off the face of the earth and forget this little blog entirely, you can find me under a pile of paperwork or starting to put our puzzle together for the puzzle fundraiser.

I Don't Do Tricks

I want to say upfront that I'm really thankful to be here: able to adopt, semi-confident we'll pass the home study, and just shy of raising 20% of our fundraising goal. There is more hope inside my heart than there has been in years. It feels weird. If I wasn't so overwhelmed, I think I'd be happy. Weird indeed. But I've never been one to paint rainbows where they don't exist or imagine roses in a field of weeds. This blog is "Genuine Greavu" for a reason... I don't sugar coat it. Never have (to my own detriment) and probably never will. I feel like I've got to be honest about this stage of everything too. Not only because it's just who I am, but because I don't feel like I really understood the whole picture until now. And someone out there is probably right where I am, or two steps behind and needs to know she's not alone.

Adoption is hard my friends. All of my adoptive parent friends are thinking, "I told you" and they did, I just didn't get it. I didn't get how vulnerable the adoption process would make me feel. Ironically, I feel far more exposed now, sitting fully clothed, amidst scattered pages of sample profiles, budgets, and grant applications than I ever did lying half naked in the stirrups. It doesn't really make sense. I joke that half the doctors in Atlanta have seen all of my business, but some days it felt like that... reproductive endocrinologists (a total of six), OBGYNs (three), nurses, and ultrasound technicians (too many to count) have been paraded back and forth in front of me with my legs spread wide for the past three plus years. I wouldn't say I was comfortable with it, but whatever modesty I once clung to went out the window by the second IUI. And yet suddenly I feel incredibly exposed, naked for the world to see, and no one's even offering me a paper sheet.

Right now, we're in the home study stage. One of my adoptive parent friends explained it like this: you go through adoption kind of backwards. Your home study is your labor and delivery. It's the part where it can't go fast enough, hurts like hell, you just keep pushing through, and you want to scream for somebody to give you some bloody drugs. After the home study comes the waiting and that's like the nine months of gestation. It's slow and steady (or not so steady)... the day to day changes seem insignificant and it's all in anticipation of this one day. It seemed weird when she described it like that, but now I think I get it. This definitely feels like a good enough reason for some pain killers. I wouldn't mind something to help me sleep either.

When I heard people discuss the home study before, it was always in terms of the quantity of paperwork. I imagined that was the daunting part. And don't get me wrong, it is daunting. The sheer volume of paperwork is enough to send people packing. I just keep telling myself that I am an organized, type A person... my brain was designed for this type of task. The part that I was not designed for is the "don't ask why" part. I imagine I was one of the world's most obnoxious children. "But why?" was my favorite phrase. I have always needed to know why and "because it is" has never once shut me up. The home study is full of opportunities to ask "why?". Why do they need to know that? That's what I ask myself 1,000 times a day. And then the monsters Anger, Jealousy, and Entitlement rear their ugly heads from down deep in my soul and the pity party begins. This isn't fair. 

I imagine adoption is a frustrating experience for anyone, but for me, for someone who has been knocked low time and time again by infertility; for someone who has questioned and doubted her fitness to parent; for someone who already struggles with ideas like justice and fairness; for someone like me, the home study is hard.  I keep telling myself that this has nothing to do with my inability to conceive... these steps, these hoops, these acrobatic tricks are required of fertile people too. It helps to remember that this is not punishment. They aren't looking at me with angry, disapproving eyes and questioning if I could possibly be fit to parent... the greatest, proven moms and dads have to jump though these same hoops to adopt. But I forget this truth approximately 10,000 times a day. It is so easy to feel judged at every single step along this path.

The questions in the home study are hard. I say that and people always say, "like what?"... I give an example or two and I get the response back, "that doesn't sound that hard." And they're right. Any one question all by itself isn't that hard. It's the sum total of all of the requests. Things like:

What is your fondest childhood memory?
What aspects of your parent's parenting do you hope to avoid?
Describe your current relationship with each of your parents.
What would you change about your spouse?
Prove your pets aren't rabid.
What's a common disagreement in your marriage?
Describe how your in-laws feel about you adoption plans.
Do you and your spouse feel the same about adoption?
Prove your septic tank can support an additional person.
What contact are you expecting with the birth parents?
What is the racial composition of your neighborhood?
Provide six letters of reference.

Now maybe I'm feeling a wee bit sensitive (remember, nobody offered me a sheet to cover up my personal stuff), but when I read through the TWENTY SEVEN separate files of questions and requests and hoops, I want to say three things. 1- I'm not a dog, I don't do tricks. 2- Why do you care? and 3- Stop picking at my scabs.

That's the best way I can describe the home study... at least for me. It feels like they just want to pick at all of your scabs. Sam doesn't seem to be too offended, but he also doesn't have a rebellious bone in his body. He's a "how high?" type of guy when asked to jump. I'm a "I'm just going to sit here until you tell me why" type of girl. As you can imagine, the home study is hard for me for that reason. But it's also hard because it feels like they're purposefully digging, intentionally trying to stir up trouble. Just let sleeping dogs lie, you know? It feels like one big psychological mind game in which they wait to see who snaps. My life hasn't been perfect (whose has?), but suddenly I feel very judged for that, judged for things that are completely out of my control. Should my childhood, my lack of a current relationship with my father, my infertility, or any of the other mostly healed wounds in my life be reason I'm deemed "not fit to parent"? I want to tell the powers that be I've dealt with my demons... I've spent long, hard hours becoming this semi-self-sufficient, mostly healthy, battle-scarred adult you see before you so just let the demons be, let the wounds continue to heal, sign the papers and send me on my way.

Please believe me that I do, somewhere, in the very back, far-reaches of my mind know that the home study and and all of these 10,000 flaming hoops are for a reason. I know that our government has all of these restrictions and stipulations in place because there are creepers out there and we need to protect our children from these people. I promise, I do get that. But believe me, my rational brain is sleep deprived and overwhelmed and operating at 10% these days... the part that's left to process this mess is the hormonal, snappy, whiny part that just wants a baby.

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It's been a hard week around here. Please take a minute to stop by Allison's blog and give her some love. She lost one of her precious daughters yesterday. Please continue to pray for her other daughter who is currently in the NICU. And then, please visit Conceptionally Challenged. Tomorrow marks one year since she lost her precious twin daughters due to PPROM.

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Just a quick reminder that if you're interested in taking a look around Caroline's online Stella Dot store front, you can use this link. 20% of every purchase will help bring Baby Greavu home.