The Good and The Bad

Many of you follow me on Facebook (I'm not too hard to find with a name like Greavu) but I wanted to update here for those of you who haven't heard the news, but also because this deserves more explanation than just a few words. I'll cut to the chase so you're not skipping ahead... we were not chosen.

Before I get into the bad news, I do have some good news to share. Actually not just good news, but great, incredible, awe-inspiring news. If you look at the YouCaring widget to the right, you'll notice that we have reached out fundraising goal... we've actually far surpassed my wildest dreams! I'm not at liberty to disclose many of the details, but basically an incredible woman who recently went through the adoption process with her son wrote us a VERY large check last week. She said that after holding her grandson, she couldn't imagine anyone not getting to fulfill that dream and she just wanted to help make it possible. It is still so surprising, that I have to check the savings account just to make sure that it's real. 

In light of the potential match, you can imagine that Sam and I were feeling the pressure last week (before the check arrived). If matched, we would have had to send $16,000 immediately, completely wiping out our adoption account. Then we would have had just a few weeks to come up with another $15,000 or so. And no, this was not an "expensive" case, it was actually a little under our max. There's just a LOT of money left to be spent. So we began to feverishly apply for no interest adoption grants. The reality of the situation was beginning to set in. As usual, money talks add stress out the wazoo in our family, so rather than fight about something that was neither of our faults, I suggested we table that discussion for the next evening. I went to bed very discouraged. I knew that we would absolutely move forward with the case... it was that perfect, but I was terrified of $15,000-20,000 in debt, particularly of the credit card variety

I kid you not, the very next day, we received the check. This entire process has been the most humbling experience of my life. I would have said I couldn't be humbled more than infertility already had, I mean the inability to reproduce without an entire team of people present is pretty darn humbling, but the fundraising process has absolutely been even more so. Friends who are saving for homes have given HUGE amounts... more than I've ever given to one person for sure. Friends struggling with infertility gave even though they were dealing with the expense of infertility treatments themselves. Complete strangers who simply read the blog and wanted to be a part gave. It's just been the wildest journey. 

When we started the adoption process last September, our plan was to keep the adoption under $35,000 for everything, legal fees, travel, home study, birth mother expenses... the whole deal. We've watched a ton of cases go because of our budget. I don't necessarily feel bad about that, as I want to work with ethical agencies who aren't exploiting adoption, but I admit it has been hard. With that number in mind, we set out to raise a minimum of $25,000 as we felt comfortable with $10,000 for ourselves. Our dream goal, like the "this will never happen" goal was to raise $30,000. Friends we're there... the dream goal. It's so unbelievable!!!

I've already had a few people ask if they could still donate, as they wanted a puzzle piece. Sam and I have decided that we will leave the YouCaring site open until the March 15th deadline. If you want a puzzle piece, you can still donate and be a part of the puzzle fundraiser. "Do we need any more money?" is the question I'm sure everyone is asking. Well, if the situation from last week had worked out, we estimate that we would have needed $2,000-$2,500 more than we have at this moment. So yes, there are most likely additional expenses as that situation was already a little under our budget, but it's also nothing we can't handle. We're in a far better place than we ever imagined we'd be, and we're just so, so thankful. 

Okay, so on to the crappy part. I left you last week following out interview with the birth mom. It went as well as could be expected for something so stressful. We spoke with one of the agency representatives following the phone call. Her info was rather sobering as she said that she and the other rep were split in their opinions of who she'd chose... we certainly didn't hit it out of the park. The next few days were hard. One second I'd dream of bringing home this baby boy, and the next moment I'd allow the "she didn't pick you" phone call to roll through my imagination. I had dreams where we were picked, so real that I woke up believing it for a good ten minutes. I also had hours of restless sleep where I replayed parts of our conversation, wishing I could have explained more, connected more. 

I think ANY scenario where you're one of two, would be hard... to be so close. But this one just felt so, so perfect to me. 

He was due April 6th, 3 days after our fifth anniversary. Talk about an anniversary gift and a reason to celebrate.  

The expectant mom was in Florida, so our travel expenses would be lower. It would also allow for friends and family to come visit while I waited out ICPC. Sam will not be able to stay with me for the 2ish weeks while I await permission to return to Georgia. While I would go to the end of the earth for our child, it would be nice not to have to spend the first few weeks as a mom alone in a hotel.  

The city was Jacksonville... I obviously have a lot of mixed feelings about that city, but ultimately that's where my embryos currently reside. I had ideas of driving by Baptist Medical with my son and telling him about his siblings... they would likely never meet, but it felt like a sweet moment.  

I already mentioned that the cost was under our budget, but that's just SO rare. It was an answer to so many prayers.

All of that just made it seem so fitting. And then we got the check. It felt like things were just clicking into place. The stars were aligning and all that junk... we were almost giddy. We've been on the wrong end of SO many things the last few years. 70% odds somehow turn into 10% odds for us. Opportunity turns to ashes, but THIS felt different. 

And then we "met" her and I fell in love with her. Really. She was so great. An absolute answer to prayer. I admittedly struggle to relate to some expectant moms. But this woman, it felt like we were so similar. She described herself as a sort of shy, people-pleaser who loves to write and is good at math. She said she writes to process her thoughts. It was so very apparent that she loved her son to pieces. Her questions for us were direct, intelligent, articulate, and important. I was just so impressed with her. I wanted it to work out 10,000 times more (if that's even possible) after speaking with her because I really liked HER and felt like we could have a great relationship going forward. 

So what went wrong? Well first of all, I think I probably felt a lot more connected to her than she did to me. Our interview was just that... an interview. The agency rep alternated reading our questions-- one to her, one to us. It didn't allow for conversation really, just question, answer, question, answer. So while I'm hearing her talk about herself, I'm thinking "omg... twinsies" but she never got to hear how similar we were, how I was oddly good at math and writing too, an odd combination. She didn't get to hear that we had tons of similarities. We also had a lot of similar family history. Her questions for us were much more direct... parenting strategies, work ethic, religious beliefs… harder things to connect on. We answered as well as we could, and we were honest, so if she didn't choose us because of one of our answers, well, I wouldn't change what I said. I mean maybe a word or two, maybe different phrasing, but the words were true, so the message wouldn't change. 

When I heard the news on Friday afternoon, I asked if they knew why she picked the other couple. They had said over and over again that she really loved us, that it took her two full days to decide because after meeting both couples, the decision just got harder. She didn't want to disappoint either couple (see how awesome she is?). Ultimately, they felt that the baby's name is what pushed her over the edge. 

The agency rep had told me when we were selected as one of two that she was pretty sure the expectant mom would ask us if we had a name picked out because she did. I asked if I could know the name just so we wouldn't be caught off guard. Believe it or not, I loved the name. It was on my list of names way back when I kept a card of names in my bedside table as if I was going to need forty names for all these kids we were going to have. Further proof that this was meant to be... to me. The name never came up for us. She never mentioned it, and I didn't bring it up, as it felt weird to me to appear as if I already knew all of this information about her. Like the agency and I just gossiped about her for hours. Apparently it did come up in the other couple's conversation. And more specifically, the other couple had a photo in their profile book with a painting in their basement in the background. The painting lists three important cities to them... one of those cities is the name she had chosen. So literally the name of the child she loved so much was written on the wall of this couple's home long before they had ever met. 

So here I am feeling all connected to her and feeling like everything is falling into place so beautifully. There were just so many signs pointing to this being our firstborn. But at the same time that I'm reading the "signs" there's a literal sign telling her to pick the other couple. I mean how crazy is that? The agency thinks ultimately that's what made her decision... she loved us both, felt we were both great choices, so when she didn't feel a clear answer, she went with what felt perfect to her. 

So that's basically it... we weren't chosen. I am admittedly pretty heartbroken. But also embarrassed, discouraged, and frustrated. I wanted this situation to work out SO badly. It didn't, and now we are back at square one... no pending cases, no one is looking at our profile, we're just waiting for another scenario to come across within our budget. It's ridiculously embarrassing to put all of this our there for the world to see and then everyone watch you not get picked… I feel like everyone's thinking "what is wrong with them?" I'm frustrated with myself for not leading the conversation more, for not adding what I was thinking, for not telling her how similar we are and how great we think she is. And I'm really discouraged. It took us almost 6 months to get to this point. I just keep thinking that it could be another 6 months before we're there again.

I must say though that I'm just so gosh darn thankful for the love and support we've been shown this last week, and throughout this whole journey. Suzanne wrote a beautiful post that made me cry, and then the comments made me cry more. Thank you for the Facebook messages, texts, phone calls, real life hugs… each has absolutely meant the world to me. I've never in my life felt so supported and loved than I have in these last few months. Random gifts from blog friends like Jane who sent me an adorable t-shirt to wear when I go shopping for the baby. And on Saturday I received a surprise package... some crazy, awesome human ordered the She Read's Truth Ampersand t-shirt that I mentioned in the last post. I mean, who does that? (anyone want to fess up? No? Well THANK YOU whoever you are!!!) I've just been so, so blessed. It would be so easy to say Sara Hagerty's words that I wrote about last week--"Of course. This is just how my life goes. Why should I expect it to be different? If I want something, it will always elude me." After last week, it would just be so easy to feel cursed. But while the situation ended far differently than I had hoped, I know I'm not cursed as I've seen the Father's love for me manifested in the hands and feet of those around me. I am so blessed to be so loved and supported. So thank you all.