the "A" word

"A" is for... no not abstinence, nor adultery, not alcohol, nor artichoke, but adoption. I guess when you're publicly stating that you are looking at $10,000 and up for IVF, it makes sense that the adoption question gets brought up. A lot. This last week I've kind of been bombarded with adoption questions. People have very strong feelings on adoption, and apparently on shelling out money for IVF too. Thus far, no one has been pushy one way or another, nor have they been judgmental about our plan. So I thought I'd discuss my thoughts on adoption to date. These may all change in the future. I also want to honestly say that I know very little about adoption. All of this is what I think I know about it. I'm probably wrong, so if you've adopted or are in the process, don't let me offend you with my ignorance.

I'm certainly not giving up on bearing a child (or two), but I am coming to terms with the fact that a larger family may not be possible for us without adoption. And I am totally okay with this. What I'm still struggling to come to terms with is the idea that I may never give birth, ever. It's kind of interesting; for the longest time I've believed that I would adopt. In my head, the plan was a family of four or five little ones and then adopt a little boy from Africa and/or a little girl from Asia.

So if it was always part of the plan, why am I balking at the idea of starting our family via adoption? Well, there are several reasons:

1. I don't think we'd pass a home inspection right now. We have no income, none, at all. We are living off student loans. Even if I had a job, I don't think we'd make it. They want stable families not jobless people living with their parents. It will be at least 8 months until we are a 2 income family. I may be naive,  but I think we can move on with IVF sooner than that.
2. I want a baby. This is kind of selfish, but I want my first child to be a baby. I mean a baby-baby. I want him/her skin to skin one millisecond after he/she is born. I've never thought about or looked into domestic adoption. That wasn't part of "the plan". But I do know that with international adoption, we wouldn't get a baby-baby. Only 25% of international adoptions are less than a year old. The youngest are typically 4-6 months old. I can't explain why, but those months seem more critical to me with my first child.
3. I feel like being"forced" into adoption takes away from the ministry of adoption. (Pleeaasseee hear me: this is a personal feeling. I don't direct these feelings onto anyone else adopting. This is just how I feel about adopting for our family. Please don't be offended.) Since I was super young and first "planned" on adopting, my reason was to do for one what I would love to do for so many. But I also always felt that by adopting (particularly children that don't look like my family) I would be given an amazing opportunity over and over again to explain why we chose to adopt. The answer would be Jesus plain and simple every time. Adoption would still be so beautiful no doubt about it, and the story of love would still be there, but if I can't say, I could  have had more children on my own, but I chose to adopt, I will just feel like my testimony is diminished. (My issue, not yours. Again, I don't project these feelings onto other adopters no matter the circumstance.)
4. I want my child to feel wanted. Along the same lines as item #3, I worry that if I'm "forced" to adopt, that the child might later feel less wanted. Is that crazy? It seems to me, that if I can tell the child that we started out family in the traditional way, but that we wanted him/her so much to complete our family, that we set out to find him/her and bring him/her home, they'll feel wanted. But if I have to tell the child that I desperately wanted a child and couldn't have one, and so we had to adopt, well that seems like an easy leap for a hurting child to the idea of "I'm second best". And that would break my heart!
5. Husband and I aren't on the same page. No matter what my hang-ups and hesitations are about adoption, I feel one hundred percent justified in saying we aren't moving forward until we are on the same page. Sam has his own issues with adoption; most of which are different than mine. Even if I was 100% on board and wanted to skip IVF and move ahead with adoption, I wouldn't feel good about it because Sam doesn't feel ready. I don't think adoption is something you pursue if only one person is ready.

Even if we end up adopting before we get pregnant, I still think we will want to try for at least one birth child. I may change my mind, but for now, that is my hunch. I've always felt like adoption is such a beautiful way of showing Christ's love and carrying out his commandment to "look after orphans and widows in their distress" (James 1:27). I still feel that way, but when I got married to Sam, it suddenly became vastly more important that I have his children. Why is this? I'm not sure. Maybe a little one to snuggle with would remove this "need" but right now, I couldn't really care less if the child is genetically related to me, but I do want to carry it, and I do want it to be related to Sam.

So there you have it: we are currently a jumbled up mess of emotions and feelings and thoughts on adoption. Obviously we need to do a lot of research and a lot of talking to each other and to others who have adopted. We need to do a lot of praying and a lot of soul searching, but for now this is where we stand.