The Other Half of this Equation

There is another half to this baby making equation: my husband Sam. He, like so many men, has quietly and stoically supported me through this infertility journey. I'll be honest, I often forget he's along for the ride.

When we initially started trying, I drug him to baby stores, asked him endless questions about names, and generally drove him bonkers with my what if scenarios (what if we have four girls in a row, do we try for a boy or adopt a boy? OR what if it's twins? OR what if he/she is born on Christmas? when will we celebrate birthdays?). Then when we started treatment, I plagued him with a million possibilities. I read research to him every night. I was relentless in my thirst for information and I assumed he would be the same. When he finally told me he was sick of all of the baby talk, I shut up about it. The conscious decision to watch my words around him and my unconscious decision to stop planning for what we may never have has led us to a place where we honestly don't talk about pregnancy, babies, etc all that much. If he tells me someone is pregnant, I give the ol' shoot myself in the head sign and we move on. There doesn't seem to be a lot of purpose in rehashing what has already been said. I can't find a valid reason to tell him how sad or frustrated or angry or worried I am about our situation… nothing has changed, it's been said before. It's become an understood: I'm sad we can't have a baby. I want a baby. We're going to save money for a baby.

Since I don't talk about it all that much, and choose to internalize or let it out via this little blog, I often forget that he might be dealing with a lot too. I don't know about any of you, but my husband it the epitome of the emotionless reserved man. I've seen him excited like twice ever, and you'd have to be looking for it to see it. I hope to goodness that this long, long, long process towards a child will increase his excitement just a smidge, but honestly, I don't count on it. Sam doesn't share his feelings. He doesn't get mad, or frustrated, or sad… he just is. In fact, if he ever does share that something/someone made him mad, my initial reaction is shock. It's easy to assume that because I don't see the emotion, he doesn't have any, but I know that's not true. We're just different.

Sam shared this article with me the other night. It's a great article about what a husband goes through during infertility. I think all too often, our culture assumes the woman is the primary one affected, because she is the one taking pills, receiving shots, etc. Even when the infertility is 100% male related, even in the most severe cases, it is almost always the woman who will  be the one to take the medications, grow the follicles, undergo IVF, bruise from so many blood draws, and spend countless hours at the doctor. The man shows up for his one assigned appointment, does his bit, and it's over. So everyone assumes he's not as acutely invested in the process. I'm guilty of this myself. I figure if you don't talk about it, cry about it, research what to do about it, etc then it must not be too high on your priority list. But maybe that's not the case. He did find the article. He did pass it along. Maybe my husband, maybe all of the husband's are more aware and affected by what's going on than they appear.

If you read the article, you'll see that they make the argument that many husband's are blindsided by the issue of infertility. Women at least hear about infertility, they know of someone's someone who had to do X to conceive, but guys don't generally talk about that. So when it comes time for a doctor to lay it all out there, it's a shock, it's unbelievable, it's impossible, it's demeaning, it's humiliating, it's JUST TOO MUCH! Even if the infertility problem relies 100% with the woman, the man often feels a sense of failure. He can't impregnate his wife. He's subjected to jokes like, "are you sure you know what you're doing?". It's simply a situation that can knock the legs out  from under them... it's a low blow directly to his manliness.

I'll be honest and say that I don't have a great solution here. I guess every guy is different, and you've got to do what works for your husband. The only solution in my head currently to fix what might be ailing my sweet husband is to get pregnant so he can forget about it all (for a time).

What do you do when your husband is down and out? How do you handle his disappointment?