Quit Playing Games with My Heart

A little Backstreet Boys for your Thursday morning? You're welcome. I was actually a N'SYNC fan myself. And we're totally off topic... circling back around. I've been struggling the last few days. My emotions are so tied up with this cycle. Every morning I wake up to take my temperature and I'm saying prayers while making sure the thermometer doesn't move and my lips stay totally sealed because if that temperature reading falls, I will be devastated. And yet, it's not. It's rising.

May 2013 BBT Chart: IUI#4

I know lots of people say that temping after a trigger or while on progesterone is totally unreliable, but I've yet to see that in my own charting. Sure, the progesterone is keeping my temperatures high but that's an accurate reflection of how much progesterone is in my system. My temperatures are higher than they've ever been before... eeeee! And, I do believe I see the ever elusive, not so reliable, "implantation dip".... now, sure, it's on CD6 and not CD7-10 like FertilityFriend says, but it's there.

As far as symptoms go, I've had them ALL... for one brief moment, and then they are gone. I've been nauseous, fatigued, bloated; I've had heartburn, cramps, and frequent urination. I've had it all, but nothing is consistent. It's here today gone tomorrow, or better yet here at 10am and gone by noon. I'm a lovely mixed up ball of emotions, symptoms, hope and dread. Where is all of this coming from?

And then it hit me. I've consciously and subconsciously been dreaming and running various scenarios in my head for the last several weeks. I now understand exactly why I'm so completely invested in this cycle. There is a LOT riding on this cycle: Not surprising, I know. But seriously, as if a BABY isn't enough, as if becoming PARENTS isn't enough... this cycle could also change our lives financially in big, big ways. Let me explain:

Ten months ago, when IUI#3 failed, we decided to do IVF. It wasn't a happy discussion at all... it was one of the ugliest fights we've ever had. I wanted to take out a loan, Sam wanted to save... I accused him of not caring about our unborn children (below the belt? maybe), he called me irrational. Basically we came to an agreement to do IVF... the END. We had no real plan of how to get there. Which is why we're here (at IUI) instead of there (at IVF). But regardless, all of this is to say, that with time we've come to fully embrace and expect IVF. The plan is and has been to live well below our means for as long as it takes to pay off our credit card debt (shame face), pay for IVF, and maybe even a down payment on a house. We're expecting to pay $18,000 for a chance at a baby. BUT, if we somehow get pregnant (and stay pregnant) this cycle, our entire outlook on the next year would change. We could pay off close to $30,000 in student loan debt. Or we could have a HUGE down payment on a home. This could literally change the way our finances look for the next five, ten, fifteen years... it's that big of a deal.

So when I say that there is a lot riding on this cycle, I mean it. It wouldn't be just a baby, which in and of itself is enough reason to totally lose it, but it would also be like winning the lottery. In our heads, that $18,000 is already gone... a positive pregnancy test would be like someone handing us $18,000. Without even realizing it, I've been playing all these scenarios through my head... buying a house next spring (with a nursery of course) with a sizable down payment and a lower interest rate because of less debt... it's a really really beautiful picture. And I'm not ready to see the dream go.

BUT, I keep reminding myself that if this is another failure, nothing has changed. We were planning to do IVF... we will still be planning to do IVF. But I'm just going to be really honest, this one's going to hurt.

Until Saturday my friends...