Moving On

First of all: thank you. Thank you all for your kind words, for your emails, texts, hugs, Facebook messages, etc. It means so much to me to know that we are so supported in this journey. Saturday's post is already one of "top" posts... a lot of you were waiting on the news. Thank you for being invested in this journey with us. Even if you're simply quietly rooting us on from the sidelines, we feel your care and concern. So thank you.

Today is 14DPIUI and it was still negative. I'm not surprised; I took the test to confirm the negative from Saturday so I can stop taking the progesterone. I'm doing surprisingly well. I had prepared myself for this total meltdown, but it never came. I guess maybe I've just gotten so use to all of this, that on some level I expect one line no matter what. I'm certainly bummed it didn't work. But truthfully, I've just felt so at peace this time. I can't explain it. I've never felt like this before. I keep waiting for this fog to clear, for the numbness to wear off, to totally lose it, but thus far, I'm holding strong and moving on.

I was really proud of myself on Saturday. As I said before, I woke up and just knew. I temped only to see my BBT take a nose dive... further confirmation. I went to pee on my stick knowing what I'd see... further, further confirmation. I told Sam. We snuggled in bed. He fell back to sleep and I got busy with my weekend to do list for my part time job. Once Sam woke up, we decided to head home. I was kind of surprised at my willingness to crawl out of bed and see the light of day... but it seemed like a good idea, so I went with it. We went home, chatted with my mom for a little bit, convinced her to watch Sterling (she's a saint, I tell you) and then went to my in-laws for some pool time. It was lovely. I literally didn't allow myself to think about it at all. I didn't check my emails (thank you for all of your emails though, I've since read them), didn't look at the blog, and didn't dwell on the test. Anytime the thoughts arose, I prayed for peace. It was truly a lovely afternoon with my big boy. I don't know if he was being extra nice or what, but he managed to stay out by the pool for a record breaking three hours... insanity. We ordered a pizza and picked it up on the way back to Athens. Greasy, cheesy pizza was about the only thing that sounded good... and it hit the spot.

As far as my whole "rethink things" side note from Saturday... I haven't thought any further. We haven't talked about it at all. I had a "lets adopt" moment of Saturday morning, but I know that process won't be all instant baby either. The logic behind our plan was sound. IVF makes more sense NOW while we are younger than in five years. And adoption will actually be easier later when we have things like a house, and more years of marriage for the application. But I guess lets just say, I'm opening the topic for discussion again. I'm currently doubting our chances of success with IVF. I think the next step is for both of us to have a little chat with Dr. Slayden... but honestly, I know how that will go. I'll go in full of doubts, and he'll be full of "this is it" and "IVF was made for women like you" and "you're a prime candidate"... and we will leave with semi-renewed hope in the IVF process. And maybe that's just what we need. Maybe one of my doctor's enthusiastic, optimistic, all your dreams will come true speeches is just what we need to get excited again. I'm planning to schedule a joint "what the heck?" and "where do we go from here?" appointment for later this summer (maybe August)... I just need a breather from that office.

So that's where we are: bummed, frustrated, confused. I'm clinging to the Lord and running to His arms, because this is hard stuff. But we're moving on: I can officially say that we are done with IUI's now. On to bigger, better, more complicated, and more expensive methods of adding to our family. The journey continues.