I'm too emotionally invested in this cycle. I'm scared to death of the bad news... of the blow to my self esteem, the removal of all air in my universe, the suffocating black void of despair. For the very first IUI, I was fully in it, I tried to hold back, to recognize that it could take three (haha), but I was emotionally invested, and I honestly believed IUI would work for us. I mean I had THREE follicles, how could it go wrong? And then I got the negative... and I drowned. Somehow, I got washed up on the shore and managed to revive myself. All of a sudden we were gearing up for IUI #2: there was supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope... a little, but not like that first time. By the third IUI, I was detached from the experience. I was actually working at not giving up on the cycle. But I simple didn't believe in the process anymore... our numbers were significantly worse and I believed if it didn't work with better numbers, it wouldn't work then.
After three failed IUI's in three months, I was SO over IUI's! What good are they? Does anybody get pregnant off that junk? What a waste! I was resolved: no more IUI's. I was ready for the big guns. When my doctor recommended another IUI, I wanted to say no, not happening. However, he was super convincing (i.e. I got steamrolled) and I now find myself here: too invested.
Here are some signs that I'm loosing my grip on reality:
I've never tested out the surge (taking a HPT every day after trigger until it's negative). I haven't taken a pregnancy test in months... I think I've used two since the IUI's?!? I took a test for IUI #2 and #3 because I simply could not receive that news over the phone again... couldn't do it. But SUDDENLY I'm debating buying these, and these, and these, because what if this is it? and I've just got to know! and how long is two weeks again? and why haven't they invented something to test if egg met sperm?
I haven't added to my pinterest board o' babies in months... probably a year or more. But all of a sudden, I'm wondering if any of the adorable bedding I pinned eons ago is even still available. I actually pictured us crib shopping for about 2.4 seconds. What is going on!?!?!
I actually checked my due date on FertilityFriend. March 2, 2014.
I haven't lost my mind... yet. It's not that I'm confident in this cycle or anything. No I wouldn't say that; it's more of this quiet anticipation... it's a what if? It's a realization that there is a chance, a chance that THIS IS IT.
I did not vomit this morning, nor do I have heartburn. I think I've associated both of those incidents with the doxycycline. Thanks to my friend Aubrey's revelation that she too had a hate/hate relationship with the vomit producing drug, I've assigned my misadventures firmly in the "side effect" column rather than the "symptom" column (and no, I don't have a spread sheet... that's something Erika would do). And I'm not looking for symptoms at this point. I hope I don't ever, but I'm reminding myself that 10DPO would be the earliest I should fully fall of the crazy train, and today we're 3DPO... I've got a long way to go.
How did this happen? I was not prepared for all of this hope. Where did it come from? I'm not sure if it's my doctor (aka Dr. Optimism), all of the support from you girls, or the months in between IUI #3 and IUI #4, but the hope is flowing. And it scares me to death. Do I attempt to squash it? Do I let it flourish? Is there a happy medium somewhere where hope and reality both live? Is there a place where another negative doesn't squash me like a bug?
I think you hit the nail on the head, friend. There HAS to be a happy medium where both hope and reality live... right? I mean, if there wasn't, then I don't know that we'd put ourselves through ALL that we have endured. I'm glad you have hope. You need it. We all need. I truly believe that somewhere, deep down, you know it'll work (hopefully it's working right now!!!). If you didn't truly believe that, then you'd have no hope. Try to stay positive! xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt's such a tough spot to be in, because you want to enjoy the anticipation BUT at the same time keep yourself on a level that you won't be so depressed if it doesn't work...geez I hate this crazy brain train IF puts us on! There have been BFP's for many on here lately so maybe your up next :)
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, I'm keeping a spreadsheet for you.
ReplyDeleteOK, so I'm not. But wouldn't it be really creepy if yall found out I was keeping secret spreadsheets on all of your cycles/symptoms/etc? Super sketch. But also it could be handy because having this many friends in varying states of cycles/testing/whatever...it can be hard to keep track of who's doing what when! Could be handy!! ;)
Haha! Cute.
DeleteI just have to say that I'M all emotionally invested in your cycle, so I don't know that it's possible for you not to be. Actually, I think that I'm often more invested in you, Caroline, Suzanne, Amber and the rest of the girls than I am in my own cycle!
ReplyDeleteInfertility is cruel. It's that darn hope thing...we all have such a love/hate relationship with her.
Prayers for you girl!! We are all 100% invested with your cycle too!
ReplyDeleteI'm right behind you at 1dpIUI. Hoping like crazy but scared of disappointment. Praying for you! (And me!)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Em!! I too, feel completely invested in your cycle! Where are we at? 10 more days to go, right!!
ReplyDeleteHoping you can have a relaxing and fun weekend that will provide you a small reprieve from all things fertility. xo
Gosh, I can empathize with all of this. My motto is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I feel better during cycles that I remain indifferent, sort of detached. It either will work or it won't and I'll take it or leave it. Of course, that is a hard mindset to keep and there is a fine balance between keeping the faith and not being overly invested. The tww is when I struggle with that the most. I love your ability to not test like mad. I was proud of myself this cycle because i didn't test at all and waited for AF to show up.
ReplyDeletehere's my blog, I'd love to have some new followers: www.auntmimi2010.blogspot.com
Amanda, you know I can completely sympathize. Bottom line, infertility is a bitch whose goal is to steal your hope. I have a great aunt who always signs her cards and letters with "May your joy be full!" It's hard if not impossible to put into practice when in the midst of IF, but John 15:11 always reminds me.
ReplyDelete