What I Learned from the Volunteers

WOW! What a freaking game! The Dawgs almost gave me a heart attack more than once. But we eeked out the victory, so I am thankful for some perseverance to "Finish the Drill".

It was a WILD game for everyone, but particularly interesting for Sam and I as we were on the fringes of the Tennessee visitor's section. I think we were actually technically in the visitor's section, but there were plenty of Georgia fans behind us and around us. That is the closest I have ever sat to the opposing team's  fans. If you win, it's pretty cool, I guess, but if you're down, you feel like you're drowning in a sea of orange. And I HATE orange.

But, I did gleam some valuable information from the Volunteers.

• The Tennessee Offensive Line is SICK! I don't know if it's size, strength, determination, or what but these guys were amazing. I think Bray had about 10 seconds (felt like a minute) to throw every stinking time. 

• This is NOT their mascot:

And neither is this:

                                                   

This is the Volunteer:

                                   

Confused? Me too. According to the Tennessee sports website, they have two mascots (reminiscent of Auburn anyone?). They have the Volunteer and Smokey. Further research shows that this Daniel Boone type character is the true "Vol" while the pooch is his faithful hunting sidekick, but he's cuter so it's obvious why they use him more!

Further confusion comes upon finding out that the Volunteer is so named because he signs up for war frequently. So, shouldn't he be a man in uniform? What's up with the suede jumper and the raccoon hat?

• Every shade of Orange is permissible. I mean it. Peach, tangerine, coral, burnt orange, salmon, neon orange… You name it, they wear it. I guess it's nice to have some freedom in your wardrobe, especially if you're color is orange (gross), but I'm a big fan of continuity.
• I'm so thankful that these currently do not exist in Red & Black.

• The Tennessee band needs to learn a new song. "Rocky Top" is their go to song for EVERYTHING! I'm all for tradition, and it is a catchy tune that's easy to sing along with, but seriously, your band is more talented than that!
• And lastly, don't ever, EVER, doubt the Tennessee game at Sanford Stadium. Even when one team is down, having a rough year, or totally rocking, it's not a game to miss. So show up EVERY TIME GEORGIA! Geez!

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes,

When you're fast asleep,

In dreams you lose your heartaches,

Whatever you wish for, you keep.

Have faith in your dreams and someday,

Your rainbow will come smiling through,

No matter how your heart is grieving,

If you keep on believing,

The dream that you wish will come true.
                     -Cinderella

In perfect Disney fashion, Cinderella kind of missed the mark here. I love Disney movies, probably more than any childless 26 year old should, but lets get real. This is just one more occasion where children were fed "you can be anything you want to be" lies. That last bit, "if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true": uh huh, sure. No, believing in some things won't change the reality of the world. I think my generation got fed a bit too much of the Cinderella story. Not every girl has little birdies to keep her company, or fairy godmothers, or magical pumpkins. Life isn't fair. 

But that is a cynical post for another day. That first part, about losing your heartaches in dreams, that, I can totally get onboard with. Lately, when I dream, I'm pregnant (bliss). Sometimes it's obvious due to my giant, protruding belly, and sometimes its simply intuition because the dream has nothing to do with babies, but I just know. Cue the alarm. Heartache. I'm not pregnant. That was just a dream. Boo.

A lot of the dreams center around finding out that I'm pregnant (obviously test day is looming). I've been kind of wondering, daydreaming about what that would look like and feel like. I know how the last BFP felt: heaven. I'm like a druggy just trying to find the "first time feeling". All the subsequent tests (BFN's) have been downers; they're just not the same. Haha. 

I wonder how I'll tell people, when I'll tell people, what I'll feel. These are SUPER daydreams to have. I think I probably look like an idiot during them: staring off into space with a big goofy smile on my face. It's pure heaven to imagine my dream coming true. But we're not there yet, we're in the "your heart is grieving" stage of things. So in the meantime, I'll just keep on dreaming.

Rule of Thirds

Rule of Thirds is a composition technique. It is supposed to make things better. More beautiful. More interesting. That is not the case in regards to infertility, and that's where we find ourselves.

We have 1/3 the numbers we had in our last cycle (which failed), so you can imagine how excited and optimistic I am about the current cycle.

1. Eggs- 1 vs 3. There was a chance that we had 2 follicles this time, but I'm pretty certain that there was only 1 functional follicle and the other is a follicular cyst. I'll give my evidence later.
2. Swimmers- Sam's numbers are still above what the doctor wanted, but the post-wash count was almost exactly 1/3 of the last IUI sample. I know "extras" aren't really giving us better chances, but it certainly seems like a scenario in which more can't hurt. (By the way, we are pretty certain that Sam's count was down due to increased baby dancing before the IUI, as last time we abstained for 50+ hours.)
3. Progesterone- last month my count was 45. It was so high that my doctor felt that I didn't even need a check this month. She felt it was safe to assume that my body was doing what it was supposed to in this aspect. Well, apparently not. My chart looks like crap. I have the lowest temperatures post O ever! So I requested a check. I went in today: 13. What the?

My thoughts on this are possibly unfounded, but it makes sense to me. Progesterone is produced by the corpus luteum (leftover follicle). Last cycle, I had 3 follicles so it makes sense that I had high numbers. This cycle, I have 1/3 as much progesterone being produced because I have 1/3 the number of follicles.

This is also why I think I only had 1 follicle, or at least partially. I just can't imagine where that 13mm cyst went. It doesn't seem likely that it dissolved while on meds.

So there you have it. I'm guessing we have about 1/3 the chance we had last time, so that'll be a no. I'm mostly frustrated. The fear, and sadness, and other stuff will come, I'm sure, but for now I'm just irked.

Second Verse, Same as the First

So where are we in this whole "let's make a baby" game? Same place we've always been: not there yet.

Our problem seems to be that we keep landing on those pesky spots where you"lose a turn" and have to "go back 5 spaces". Can't we puh-lease just move forward. The path is all laid out nice and neat.

Enough with the game board analogy. Today was IUI # 2. I must have looked like one hot mess at my appointment today. My RE (who I'm beginning to think is the sweetest lady in this business) held my hand and answered all of my questions after the procedure. I think they have acquired ugly cry radar over the years, so she was probably just trying to head off the monsoon, but she was very comforting. She told me that her opinion was that I probably have two functional follicles ready to go, but even if there is only one, my odds are still good (like win the lottery good, not like good, good). I was also bummed because the sample count was a little lower. I know we are in a much better place than so many people; Sam has been the one gold star in all of this, but I guess I wasn't looking for anything to be worse than last time. But she assured me that from a number's perspective, we are sitting pretty.

She squeezed my hand and left me to my reclining time on the lovely table. Cue the tears. I guess the whole situation is just really overwhelming. I might have "made a baby" today (which would be awesome) without my husband even in the room. I know that there is no magic moment during a typical baby dance, but I never thought I'd conceive my baby with my doctor and nurse (go team) sans husband. So I cried about how awkward the situation is, how not "normal". I cried because Sam was at work. I cried because I feel so hopeless. And then my ten minutes were up.

I dried my face and got dressed. I opened the door and my sweet care coordinator was there to wish me luck. My guess is that my doctor said something to her about me needing a little extra support. No one was super nice or positive last time, so I'm guessing she told them I was looking rough. Then when I was checking out, my doctor came back out to tell me to have a good day. I guess she was super concerned.

I won't lie and say I'm feeling great and really positive. I'm not either of those. I feel like crap. I do however feel like I have pretty clear confirmation that I ovulated today… because it feels like my left ovary exploded, literally. I'm cramping and just generally in pain, but I know that this is all temporary, so I can tough it out. I'm not too positive either. I feel like I've come to some place where I'm kind of giving up on the doctors and their methods and numbers. I'm going through the motions because, hey, it can't hurt, but if this is going to happen, it's going to be all the Big Man. And it's not that I don't have faith He can do it. I know He can. The question is: will He? And of that, I'm just not positive.

We'll draw our next card in two weeks to see if it says "move ahead 1 space" or if we end up stuck in the "Molasses Swamp". 'til then.

Expect the Unexpected

So maybe my best bet is to expect less, then I'll be surprised and mesmerized when more occurs. I was expecting awful, horrible, no good, very bad results today at the doctor. SURPRISE! Femara is my miracle drug! My lining is 10mm and a grade 1! Whoo hoo! I've got two mature follicles (we think), one on my left at 22mm and one on my right at 18mm.

Here's the problem: I was so overwhelmed by my amazing lining that I forgot to check on the status of the cyst (13mm on day 4). I've since talked with a nurse, but she says there's no way to know whether the follicle is a cyst or a viable egg because we didn't do any baseline blood work at the beginning of the cycle. So despite the awesome lining, we could be walking into an IUI with one egg. Ughhhh. My odds don't seem good with three eggs, so one sounds pitiful.

But my new strategy of expecting less may work out perfectly. I'll expect nothing from my one egg, and voilà! BFP!

Expectations

First off, let's get the expectations for tomorrow out of the way. Tomorrow is cycle day 13. I have a morning appointment for my mid-cycle. My hopes are certainly not up. Day 13 is super early for me to have accomplished much on the follicle front. I'm normally a day 20 girl, but my doctor believes that Femara might be the magic drug, and we don't want to miss it. So off I go. I don't really have a lot of hope for this cycle overall at this point either. I know that side effects of the meds aren't really a good indicator of success, but on clomid, I felt like I had a sack of potatoes in my abdomen. Thus far on femara, I haven't had any abdominal cramping or pain after day three on the meds. I just don't have a good feeling about our chances this cycle. No real reason, just general pessimism.

Now, onto the real point of this post. Dealing with expectations. Most importantly dealing with it when your expectations don't come to fruition. I think this is the root of my sadness, depression, moodiness, whatever you want to call it. I feel like my dreams are shattering around me. It's not a very fun place to be.

So here is what I was expecting out of this life: I thought I'd marry young, not like seventeen or anything, just younger than my mom probably would have wanted. I was totally cool with getting married in college if I found the right person and felt that we were ready. From there, I always figured I'd give the marriage a year or so before we started in with the kids, but remember I thought I'd be 22 getting married (or earlier). From there, I would schedule out my perfect little (big) family in the perfect two year increments. First baby at 23-24, second 25-26, third 27-28, fourth 29-30, fifth 31-32, and lastly we'd probably adopt a little later, maybe 35ish.

I'm a big planner. I remember being in AP English my junior year (total snooze) and doodling in the margin all about my future. I drew out not only my future monogram but my future children's as well: I knew all of their names. I was anal enough (or crazy enough) to schedule this whole thing out so that my babies wouldn't have to share birthday months or get too close to holidays. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that this level of detail wasn't realistic. For one, those monograms didn't really workout (high school love). But, I've never been able to stop myself from the meticulous planning; I have always been a dreamer. And for most of my life, I thought this was an excellent personality trait.

So now, here we are staring at our 27th birthday and we've accomplished...marriage. I was supposed to be on baby #3 at this point! I obviously realized when I met Sam, I mean Mr. Drags His Feet (love him) that my schedule would probably be shifted. And Sam was never really on board with 5+ kids, so I was warming up to the idea of 4 in case he really couldn't wrap his head around it. But this? This is blowing my dreams up.

I am currently having to come to terms with the fact that we will probably not have a big family. I know it's possible, but it's not probable. If it takes us two years to get pregnant each time, we'd be looking at a baby at 27, 30, 33, and so on. I'm not super comfortable with having a baby too late in life as the risks of miscarriage, birth defects, etc are much higher. Plus, I honestly don't feel like this level of dedication can be maintained for the next ten years either. It's just to wearing on your body, your mind, your marriage. I'd honestly be pretty pleased at this point if I could snag two babies out of this deal (wait, let me rephrase, Sam and I always talk in births not babies, so I'd be stoked to deliver on two separate occasions).

I think the DRASTIC changes are why I'm having such a hard time dealing with all of this. I'm literally watching my life plan crumble. I think the difference in expectations is also part of why Sam is handling this so much better. I say part because Sam is awesome at handling change, disappointment, etc. Whatever it is, Sam is able to roll with it. He doesn't get upset, mad, sad, frustrated... nothing. He just moves on. But I also think the expectations he had play a role in how he has been able to deal. Basically, Sam's plan for his life looks a lot more like what we've got then mine. He NEVER thought he'd get married in college. And he really didn't have starting a family as a top priority in his 20's. I think 27ish was probably the earliest he really saw himself starting a family. So to Sam, other than the extra money, we are sitting pretty.

While I am sometimes frustrated that I'm the only one freaking out, the only one stressed, the only one upset, I'm actually REALLY thankful for Sam's ability to roll with the punches. If he was broken hearted over all of this, it would make me feel like even more of a failure.

So what's the solution to all of this? Don't have expectations? Learn to deal with disappointment? I don't really have a clue. I guess the only real solution is trusting that the Lord's plan is truly better than mine. So that's where I am, trying to trust. Trying to have faith. Trying to believe that He really is good, and His love really is great.

Pinning for Gold

So who is up for a post that's not about my ovaries? I know it's shocking. You were expecting a post about how miserable my Sunday was as it's been a year since my one and only BFP. I could write that. There were definitely some lows today, but I did not cry, and I accomplished all of the things that I set out to do today. Win!

So anyway, I thought I'd tell you all about my experiments from Pinterest land. We've tested out several recipes over the last couple of months, and most have been successes.

First up, Red Velvet Cookies. Now, I'll admit that I had actually had these before I pinned them. Our friend, Lesley Anne made these and they were delicious! We tried them out and they are soooooo easy. The only minus about these is that they aren't a great travel cookie. Stacking is kind of tough due to the icing, but displayed on a tray... perfection.

Second, Fruit Salsa and Cinnamon Sugar Chips. This is delicious! The only tedious part is cutting up the fruit super small. The chips are a breeze and (BONUS) they make your house smell like heaven while they are baking. They only thing I would change about this recipe is the sugar and preserves. If your fruit is ripe and sweet by itself, I would completely omit one of the two. My choice would be the preserves. When we made it, we only used one tablespoon of preserves (it calls for three) and it was overly sweet in my opinion. Plus, the sugar and the preserves makes it a little too wet for scooping if it sits for more than about half an hour. But overall, a major win. This is a GREAT option for parties. We had it for a little get together at our house in Augusta and everyone loved it.

Next up: Peach Cupcakes with Peach Cream Cheese Frosting. These were the only real let down thus far from Pinterest; however, I feel that I should admit that we didn't follow the recipe exactly. We attempted to use fresh peaches as they were bountiful and beautiful this summer. The recipe calls for dried peaches, which I think would have a much stronger peach flavor. That was one let down: not peachy enough. Secondly, the cake itself wasn't that scrumptious. We only used one teaspoon of baking powder (the recipe calls for  two and a half), but the flavor of the baking powder really come through. The texture was kind of grainy too. Ultimately, I think I could take a basic white cake recipe and add the peach components and come out with a better product, but it certainly sounds like a good idea!

Okay, those were all a while ago. But today, we had a Falcons Kickoff Party with some friends and Sam and I brought two desserts. We had a little contest. Sam chose to make Homemade Oatmeal Cream Pies. I chose Snickers Brownies. Sam won, which is nothing new, in kitchen or in life. Here's why.

Oatmeal Cream Pies. Lovely. These are sweet, but not overwhelming. You can probably eat two in a sitting (say a four hour football game) without going into a diabetic shock. Honestly, the oatmeal cookie recipe itself is fabulous. If you aren't in the mood for the extra work, the cookies alone would score you big points. We did have to add flour to the batter as our test cookies turned out too flat. I think about a half a cup was added, but if I was to make them again, I would add a quarter of a cup and then more oatmeal. I love oatmeal!

Snickers Brownies. These on the other hand are deadly. Eat two of these and your pancreas will be in overdrive. There are several things I would do to these to make them both yummier and easier. Firstly, I'd make them in a 8x8 pan instead on a 9x13. We used two boxes of brownie mix (did you know Betty Crocker cut the box? It now makes an 11x7, not a 9x13) to get the desired thickness. For the nougat center, I think you could easily get away with one 7oz jar of marshmallow cream. I'm not a big measurer... so mine basically included two big spoonfuls of Jif. That seems about right to me. Lastly, she recommends Butterscotch Caramel. I questioned it, but ultimately decided to follow her recipe. Bad idea. The butterscotch flavor was kind of overwhelming. I would use plain old caramels. I wouldn't buy a sauce, I'd buy little caramel squares (they taste batter) and melt them. But don't get me wrong, these are good. Test them out for yourself. Just have a drink near by.

So there you have it. If you have a party coming up, a tailgate, or any social gathering, head on over to my "Yummy Treats to Try" board, and grab yourself a tasty treat!