Nurturing Nature

I was talking with a friend the other day about adoption. Specifically about adopting an infant from unfortunate circumstances (i.e. when there is substance abuse, mental health issues, domestic violence, or incarceration in one or both of the birth parents' history). She was asking if I ever thought about any "what if" type of questions when we were looking at cases while we waited. For example, a potential situation might have said that the birth mother had a history of mental illness in her family. She might have reported a previous suicide attempt, or maybe one or more of her family members suffered from depression, or maybe she listed Bipolar on her medical questionnaire. In that situation, did I ever worry that the child might have mental health issues? That was essentially her question. Or in another example, if the birth father was incarcerated and the birth mother supplied details stating that he was in jail for assault and battery, would I worry about the child growing up to be dangerous, angry, violent, etc? My response is that of course I thought about those types of things. Who wouldn't? Many of the bio sheets on potential adoption situations read like the top 100 worst things about someone. To a limited degree, I understand. Agencies and attorneys are trying to give a prospective parent all of the information so that they can make an educated decision. But honestly, I think those summaries could be a pretty crummy read about the best of us...and I guess that's kind of my point. Ultimately, I have to believe that the environment that a child grows up in can counter balance the genetic and early environmental influences (to a certain degree). Because really, isn't it the same gamble with children that are genetically related to us?

Now sure, if you come from an upper-middle class family where everyone stays married until death, no one drinks to excess, no one steps outside the confines of marriage, no one gambles, everyone graduates from college, and no one in the family has ever needed a day of counseling then, yeah, I'm sure it might be a little scary to think about a child with certain traits hardwired into their DNA. But for Sam and I, it would have been a roll of the dice no matter what.

Sure, I'd have wanted to pass on all the best DNA to a child genetically related to me. No one wants to pass on characteristics to a son or daughter that make life difficult. If it was a boy, I'd want him to have 80% of Sam's height, but he could skip that booty (because finding clothes for Sam is a nightmare). I'd want him to have our dark hair, and maybe my green eyes (because I have better eyes than Sam). I'd want him to be athletic and competitive like his dad and intelligent and an avid reader like his mom. If we had a girl, I'd want to pass along her Nana's height (because there is no need for any more girls over 5'8 in this family, and certainly not 6'4). I'd want her to inherit her father's more agile and confident characteristics and skip her mother's clumsiness. I'd want her to get her Grandma's graceful aging and her great grandmother Marguerite's sharp wit. But there are also a whole slew of things I'd really rather not pass on to my children--medical things that are common in my family like alcoholism, diabetes, deep vein thrombosis, not to mention INFERTILITY. And I would certainly never want to pass along my long-standing battle with anxiety or any other proclivity for mental health issues.

In the same way that I can't control what DNA Sam or I would pass along to a biological children, I can't control or know what DNA a set of birth parents might pass on to a child. Yes, the presence of mental health issues on either side of the family places the child at an increased risk for inheriting those mental health issues (i.e. a child of a mother who struggles with Bipolar disorder is at an increased risk for being diagnosed the with same). But it's certainly not a sure thing. No more of a guarantee than that I would end up as an alcoholic. Alcoholism is prevalent in my family. I knew that by the age of twelve, and at that age I decided under NO circumstance would I ever become one. It was simply not an option. Therefore, in my entire life, I've probably had less than 20 drinks. I can't control whether the predisposition for alcoholism or drug addiction lies dormant in my brain, but I can control whether I give that predisposition the opportunity it needs to flip the switch and take over. The choice to never do drugs (no, not even a cigarette) and to drink very, very rarely and only wisely and in complete control, has kept me far, far away from the potential for drug or alcohol addiction. There's a line in the sand and I'm back so far, I can't even see it.

Though I did not major in Psychology, I took a few courses in college. Thankfully, I learned that there are few psychologists who actually believe that development is 100% nature or 100% nurture. It's a blend. We know that heredity and environment both influence the person we become. I am proof positive of that. The anxiety and depression that I've dealt with on and off throughout my life are likely there because of genetics. However, the environment that I grew up in, the home, the generation, all of that, gave me access to counseling and medications. While none of those things remove the presence of the inherited trait, they do alter how I handle that trait and how it affects my life.

Rather than looking at any set of circumstances, be they genetic or environmental, as a defined path or obvious outcome, I like to look at them as the potential. A child with two parents who dropped out of high school may have a lower intelligence potential. But that may is important. Maybe the parents dropped out due to income...maybe they had to take care of small children, help support the family, etc. Or maybe they dropped out due to an unplanned pregnancy, drugs, or any number of unfortunate circumstances that can cause a teenager to leave school. You can't look at a fact on paper and assume that you know the correlation and causation that both let to that outcome and how that will affect the future. That child may struggle in school, but he might also excel, be excellent in science, and go on to be a neurosurgeon. In a similar way a child of parents with a long family addiction to drugs is unarguably at a higher risk for drug and alcohol addiction herself. Add in exposure to drugs or alcohol during pregnancy, and there is certainly a risk for drug and alcohol abuse later in her life. But the presence of DNA that makes a child more susceptible and exposure at a young, formative age, even in combination, are not a one way ticket to rehab. There are many, many contributing factors to the growth and development of a child, and many of those factors, an adoptive parent has some control over.

So yes, I think you think those what if questions, and then you let them go. Life and death, health and sickness, potential and limitations are far too complex for a a short bio to explain. We all spin the wheel and deal with the circumstances that come our way. Early intervention and access to medical care and health professionals is vitally important. I don't believe an adoptive parent should walk into a situation naively, but also don't think fear and a list of what ifs should 100% drive the decision to adopt a child or not. There are certain things that are just out of our control. All that we can control is what we do when those things arise.

Wonderful to be ONE

To say I'm late in getting his twelve month/one year post together would be the understatement of the century. We're two weeks shy of fourteen months. You know it's bad when your husband says, "are you ever going to get a twelve month post together?" So, yeah. I sort of have an excuse in that a week before Garrison turned one, our entire family caught the stomach bug. We were dropping like flies. Garrison, dad, mom, grandma. It was unbelievably awful. I felt like crap for over a week. The absolute worst part of the sickness was timing. One of my most favorite people in the whole world came to Atlanta all the way from Illinois. My sweet friend A over at Ms. Conceptions and I had been planning to finally meet in person for months and it all fell apart thanks to the stomach bug. I am still not over this heartbreak. Then I had a MASSIVE anxiety flare up following that, which is a post all in itself, but for another day. And to top it off, Garrison followed up the stomach-bug-of-death with a 103 degree fever, double ear infections, and brochiolitis. I have lived at the pharmacy over the last month. We just finished his THIRD round of antibiotics for the ear-infection-that-will-not-end. Needless to say, I've been running ragged just trying to keep everyone alive for a while now.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubs, Goobs, Goobie, Goobie Booty, Noodle, Little Love

So in love with my Little Love

Stats: I feel like these numbers are likely only slightly accurate despite having an appointment the day after his birthday as the stomach bug was long and painful. I believe we all lost our fair share of weight that week. He was 18 lbs 2.3 oz and 27.5 inches, a whopping 2.3 oz of growth in the past month, but again, I'm almost 100% sure he lost weight that week. Those numbers continue to put us off the chart in terms of height (as in less than second percentile) and between fifth and tenth percentile for weight. His pediatrician did comment that he is very bow-legged and that there are lost inch(es) in that bow, so he'll likely grow a good bit as his legs straighten out. He's still in 6-9 month clothes and size three diapers.

Finding entertainment in the unlikeliest of items.

The last weeks of his first year were also FILLED with teething. Absolutely filled to the brim. He has twelve teeth that are fully in and he's still working on (for over two months now) his thirteenth (his first canine).

Lots and lots and lots of wagon and stroller rides
as the days get warmer and the teeth got more painful.

Eating: He eats really well. As in he puts away full sized portions all the time. I have no clue why this kid is so small. He has some kind of superhuman metabolism. He can finish eating a meal and five minutes later see me eating and have a complete and total meltdown if I don't share. Goodbye ice cream. We had a good long run together. I also see sippy cups in my future as he's very interested in regular drink cups these days and I don't particularly want a diet coke addict before two.

Refried beans make for great facials and leave-in conditioners.

Sleeping: Sleep continues to be great. He's pretty consistent between 11-11.5 hours a night. He remains a crummy napper, but I will not complain as long as the nights stay gloriously peaceful.

Snuggle maps with mom in the midst of so much sickness.

Likes: His current obsessions are balls, dog food, cabinets, peek-a-boo, dog food, plastic tupperware, being outside, oh, and dog food. He also discovered Sterling's cage while he was home sick for days on end. Now he LOVES to go get in Sterling's cage and bang the door closed 8 million times. This kid really needs no toys. Toys occupy him for four seconds. Dog food on the other hand, that could give us HOURS of enjoyment.

First time at a local park. He's a fan of swings for sure!

Garrison continues to find "no" to be particularly hilarious and wonderful. He looks back, smiles, and then sprints as fast as he can towards whatever he KNOWS he's not supposed to do. I see some Happiest Toddler on the Block in my future.

Dislikes: Now, 90% of the time Garrison loves to hear "no." It's just so funny to hear mom over and over and over again! But there are those times when hearing no causes him to face-plant on the floor and burst into hysterical crying. I can see that the toddler years are going to be filled with a few tantrums.

Trying out his birthday hat for his smash cake photos...not a fan.

Looking forward to: Well, honestly, I'm looking forward to spring and summer. Less colds, germs, and general sickness and more fresh air and sunshine. I'm looking forward to swimming in our pool and longer days. I'm looking forward to lots of firsts: first words, first swim lessons, first family vacation (maybe, please).

This was as good as we got for the twelve month
photos in the midst of so much sickness.

I'm so thankful for a GLORIOUS first year with my son. He is absolutely the sweetest little love and he takes my breath away on a daily basis. It has been such a joy to be his mom and I'm so thankful for him.

Birthday Boy and his cake. So sweet.

A Birthday Blessing for My Baby Boy

Garrison,
We are so proud of you. At eleven days old, you weighed just under five pounds, and you had already proven that you were a fighter. In just one year, you've grown so much. But your growth is measured by far more than just inches and ounces. It's the growth we've seen as you become the little boy God made you to be that steals our breath away. You are so passionate. There's not one thing in life that you are indecisive about. We love this about you and we've excited to see what passions you develop in the years ahead. You are curious, adventurous, and so very, very determined. We know that God has wired you in this way because he has specific plans for you. We can't wait to watch as you discover what His plans are.
There are so many things we want for you in life. We want you to be happy and successful, but more importantly, we want you to be kind and compassionate to others, to recognize and embrace exactly who God made you to be, and above all, to LOVE Jesus. It is our desire to celebrate you and everything that is unique and special about you as we help you to discover just who God made you to be and what he wants for your life. Jesus loves you so much buddy, and it is our life's greatest joy to get to love you too.

Love always,
Mom and Dad

Pace Yourself

This post has been in the works for six months. Apparently that's how long it now takes me to think, ruminate, write, rewrite, rethink, rewrite, and edit. Blogger extraordinaire right here. For the last several months I've noticed something about myself and I've spent a few of my available moments of free brain space to think about this interesting (at least to me) thought pattern. You see, I have felt pressure, literally since the beginning of our time with Garrison to do all. the. things. There has been no "or" in my vocabulary. It's always "and." We should do this AND we should do that. We should go there AND we should go there. We need to (fill in the blank) AND we need to. Anybody else ever feel this way?

I've thought about it and thought about it and come up with a couple of ideas as to why this may be my new thought process. Firstly, there are more times than I can count where I've convinced myself that we need to X and Y "because Garrison might be our only child." Can I get an amen? It's crazy the things that I've felt pressured to do, buy, experience just because he might be our only one. Strangely enough, I don't really believe that he will be our only child. If you ask me (when I'm not freaking out about the need to do/buy/see X) I would tell you that I'm pretty confident we'll have two, maybe even three kids. However, I definitely don't know that we will have babies, so along that same vein of thought, comes "because he might be our only baby." Example number one. If you follow me on Facebook, you've likely seen that I became obsessed with photo sessions this past year. Newborn, family photos, sitting photos, standing photos, Santa photos, family photos, first birthday photos. Photo sessions with professional photographers are not cheap and this year our finances have struggled due to daycare + formula + PT and OT appointments + Garrison's surgery, and yet, I would have taken out a second mortgage to have those photos. Wise? No. But I'm terrified to look up and have missed it. He will very likely be my only newborn. There was no way in hell I was missing those insanely expensive photos. Garrison very well might be the only child that will ever learn to sit or stand or celebrate his first birthday with us and I just can't miss it.

A second idea is that I waited so long to do these things with a child, and now that I have one, it's like we must do all. the. things. RIGHT. NOW. For example, I've dreamed of taking my kid(s) to Disney World for YEARS. Like literally the greatest dream come true will be to walk my little kid(s) through the gates of the Magic Kingdom. I might just lie down on the floor and weep. I have greatly struggled with the need to take him this past year. It would have been a financial nightmare and that's about the only reason I've not gone. The fact that he wouldn't remember it, that he might sleep through half the day, that he might not be able to ride anything, and that he'd likely be scared out of his ever loving mind by all the people and characters has not deterred my desperate need for him to experience Disney. Sam has known about my love affair with Disney for years and his answer has always been "when we have kids." We've been together for almost 11 years now...that's a lot of waiting. He surprised me when we completed IVF in Jacksonville with a day trip to the Magic Kingdom because technically, we had kids (be still my heart). It was heaven, but I've still been dying to go back and see it all again. We've joked for years that because of his "rule" I'd likely try to take my six week old to Disney...well he wasn't far off. If finances hasn't stood in the way, I'd have taken that little boy to every single park. In a similar way, I need him to go to the zoo, the aquarium, go to the beach, see snow, fall in love with Harry Potter, etc and I need him to do it all NOW. It's a constant battle to remind myself that no, we do not need to fly to Colorado or drive to Kentucky to follow the snow this winter. And oh gosh Christmas. I needed to start every single Christmas tradition this year. There were a number of times that I considered giving the kid hot (mildly warm) chocolate because CHRISTMAS, you know?

And thirdly, maybe the darkest of all of the thoughts has been the discovery that I in some weird, twisted way have felt like my time with him is limited. Maybe it stems from the adoption process. The fear that any second we'd receive a call telling us to get out of the NICU and head home it was over. Or the days and nights once we were home fearing any 904 area code calls that would say bring him back to Jacksonville, his birth father is coming for him. Or maybe it stems from my gigantic, overwhelming fear of SIDS since the moment we left the hospital. Garrison was/is truthfully at a higher risk than most babies, and somehow that has manifested into this anxiety that has plagued my days and nights over these past months. I thought I would breathe much easier at six months when the risk drops significantly, and to some degree I did. I don't wake up a million times in the night to check the monitor. However, I do become paralyzed with fear, literally too afraid to even go check for fear I'l be too late, when I've slept a long stretch and he hasn't moved.

In a similar, rather depressing, Freud would have a field day train of thought, I've also noticed that for me, the monthly age recaps have felt a lot less like counting up and a lot more like counting down. One month becomes two, and two months becomes three, but in a lot of ways it feels like a slippery slide down to one year where I can't catch my breath or find a foot hold to pause for just a moment. In some ways, that count down feels like a countdown to the end. What comes after one? It's a constant struggle to remind myself that two, TWO comes after one, and there are twelve glorious months in between just like this year. That there will be plenty of time to go explore the zoo, to see Disney, to stay up past our bedtime watching movies and eating popcorn. Because he's mine. Not my borrowed son. Not my temporary son. But my real, forever and ever son. So pace yourself, Amanda, it doesn't all have to happen now, this year, or before he turns one. You've got a lifetime to fill to the brim with love and happiness.

That's where this blog post was meant to end, and then tragedy struck and all my thoughts about forever and ever were questioned. In November a precious mama that I went to high school with found out that her two year old has cancer. Ughhh. And not just any cancer but super rare, super aggressive, terrifying cancer. And then just weeks later, a fellow infertility mama lost. her. son. 13 months. You guys. I was a hot mess of terror. She did an IUI the same month I did IVF and delivered her son within days of my IVF due date. She had all of the milestones that I would have had if our IVF cycle had not ended in miscarriage. After those two events, I just couldn't post this. Because tomorrow isn't promised. Sometimes "a lifetime" isn't all that long. And I was terrified all over again. Any insight or comfort this cathartic use of writing had brought was quickly eliminated by the ugly truth that our days with our children are not promised to us.

I've spent time since then as the clock slowly ticks closer and closer to his first birthday thinking about how to process these heavy emotions and thoughts in light of the truth that my days, Sam's days, and Garrison's days are numbered and we will never know what that number is until our days are done. I still believe the encouragement to pace myself is important. We don't have to do it all, or see it all right now. But I think it's also a fair reminder to remember that these days are precious whether we have just one more, or twenty thousand more. So we should enjoy them. Love them. And live them well.

Eleven til One

You guys, I may spend the next few weeks curled up in the fetal position. Eleven months. ELEVEN months. ELEVEN MONTHS. Be still my heart. I just can't.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubs, Nugs, Love Nug, Goobs, Goobie, Goobie Booty, Noodle

Beautiful little Goobie.

Stats: Once again I have really inaccurate stats and for that reason I'm not going to FREAK THE HELL out about the numbers. 18 lbs and 27 inches. For. The. Love. We're incrementally climbing the weight chart and rolling down the height chart like a runaway snowball. But, it's not worth worrying about until I get into the pediatrician for his one year next appointment. He still wears 6-9 or 9 months clothes and size 3 diapers when he's not wearing cloth. And, we may stay here until he's two. But that's cool. I'm getting my money's worth.

Post bath naked time.

This child has nine teeth. NINE. He has the top four, bottom three, and then both of the first bottom molars have come through. He's taking it like a champ because he has seriously been teething nonstop since 7 months. Bless his heart. And bless mama's too because the kid BITES. I'm terrified that my kid is going to be THAT kid at school. I already hear his teachers saying, "Gentle, Garrison" all the time. Ackkk.

Sharpening his toothies on Sophie action while he waits on
his pancakes at Cracker Barrel

Eating: I pretty much let him eat whatever he wants at this point. Baby Led Weaning has produced an excellent eater. Far better than his mama. I think his favorite foods are probably beans, mashed potatoes, and blueberries. All foods I could really do without. Bless him. The only foods he hasn't really had yet our peanuts/peanut butter, grapes, and egg whites. Oh and cake. He hasn't had cake. But he's about to have lots of cake. Sigh.

Pulled pork and baked beans. Yum.

He's doing really well with straw sippy cups. I think he prefers not to have to tip his head back. He's a busy little body and would prefer not to have to rest/chill and lounge with his cup/bottle. So pretty much the exact opposite of his mama. But I'm really proud of him. All of these things that people said he might struggle with due to his preemie status, low birth weight status, or early struggles have just turned into non issues. He's rocking growing up into a (teeny tiny) big boy.

Daddy trying to encourage him to walk sans walker/shopping cart/wagon.

Sleeping: The sleep situation remains wonderful. He's still getting 11.5-12.5 hours each night. Our trip down to Florida sort of through him out of whack for a few days, but otherwise, he's been awesome. Thank you, Jesus.

Sleepy snuggles in the morning are my favorite.

Likes: He likes mom. A lot. Like more than a lot. Like mom is the only human in the world worth acknowledging most days. I can sit like a bump on a log and I'm just the greatest thing ever. Sam has to perform like a circus act to garner that kind of attention. Bless him. Daycare and the nursery volunteers at church have mentioned that he's starting to notice (and become upset) when other moms come to pick up their kids. Poor buddy, Unfortunately for him, I'm typically the last or second to last to get him at daycare and he's stuck in the nursery for two services on Sunday so he sees all the mamas come and go. The past month has been pretty hard on my mom heart. I'm feeling more guilty about leaving him, working, etc. He's so little and all he wants in life is his mama. It doesn't seem like too much to ask for. I keep reminding myself that I'm a better mom to him in the time we have together for my time away. If I was his jungle gym all day, I'd be exasperated. This is good for me. And him. That's my mantra.

Just chillin' in the wagon in the middle of the living room.

Garrison also likes whatever I've told him "no, no" about. Dog bowls...A-mazing. Cat litter...Best. Thing. Ever. Trash can...freaking awesome. Sterling...so great. Everest...best toy. I've almost decided to just let him go. Sure buddy, eat the dog food, flip the water bowl, beat on that 85 pound beast, pull the cats tail, but then I get to the cat litter. Nope. Just no. Gross. I can't. We will continue to say "no, no" and redirect a million and a half more times (this week).

Come'ere Sterling

Dislikes: Garrison continues to dislike being away from mom. I truly do think he's fine once I'm gone. It's the whole me leaving/someone taking him from me that sends him into a fit. Oh, and the reminder that I'm not there by the fact that other moms have come back for their little ones (thanks a bunch, moms).

Garrison continues to hate diaper changes. HATES them. And unfortunately, I'm struggling with cloth diapers for the first time in my wash routine, so I'm not loving diapers these days either. I'd potty train him today if I could.

Riding in his big boy car seat.

Looking forward to: Plans for his first birthday are going well. I'm probably about 1/2 of the way through with decorations and planning. It's going to be a good day. I may just not wear any mascara that day.

These eleven months have been the greatest months of my life. Hardest? Maybe. There were certainly some really, really hard days. But all of the days have been filled to the absolute brim with redemption. The Lord is redeeming my lost years one day at a time. I'd walk through those four years of trying to conceive and infertility a thousand times to have this little love. The love in my heart for that little boy. Gahhhh. I could just squeeze him all day long. He's my greatest adventure and the love of my heart. 

Perfect Ten

The holidays are over. Wahhhh. I have to admit that this was just the best little season. Christmas was hectic as always...it's par for the course when you and your spouse have divorced parents. The number of places to go and people to see just multiplies and suddenly you blink and three days have gone by. But it was a really precious time. Sam and I took some time off of work and linked it up with the holiday time off and weekends and managed to get six days...the longest we've both been off since Sam started his job in 2013. It was glorious. And in the midst of that, my little man turned 10 months old. I can see the writing on the wall now. The next two months are going to fly. His birthday will be here and then he'll be one and then I'll lay down one night and wake up and it'll be time to send him to kindergarten. Ughhhh. And then college. I'm soaking in as many minutes with my baby as possible.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubs, Nugs, Nugget

Mom, this is ridiculous.

Stats: So his starts have barely changed, but I learned that his stats from 9 months were probably a little less than accurate. When I took him in for his actual 9 month appointment (at 9 months 16 days) he only weighed 16 lbs 9.8 oz, so my 17+ was just a wee bit off. Again, I don't have super accurate stats but we're going with 17 lbs 5 oz. I was also worried about his height at the 9 month appointment (because he fell totally off the chart) so the doctor remeasured him and puuuullllled on his little body stretching his neck to get an extra quarter of an inch. We're going with that measurement because I am not repeating that at home. 26.75 inches. Those numbers put him at between the fifth and tenth percentiles for weight and under the second percentile for height. I'm satisfied I guess. I mean, I can't actually make the kid grow. He wears 6-9 or 9 months clothes and he's just switched to size 3 diapers when he's not wearing cloth. He officially has 6 teeth now. Four on top and two on the bottom.

Pancakes at grandma's house.
She's silly enough to let him eat in a cushioned highchair.

Eating: Baby Led Weaning has REALLY shown it's power this past month. Homeboy devours food. Looooves food. He wants to eat whatever I'm eating, which is cool unless mom is eating ice cream. He also refuses to be fed. He wants to feed himself. It's obviously messy and on mashed potato night I have to hold my breath so as not to puke on him, but I'm pleased with his love of food and his willingness to eat anything I give him. Thus far, BLW has proven to do as promised, so we'll keep plugging along. I've also seen the truth that as he eats more real food his desire for formula goes way down. We've been struggling just to keep him hydrated. I'm obviously a bit worried about calories and growth...there is just no amount of avocados, potatoes, or cheese that will equal the calorie rich formula. Especially since we fortify to a higher calorie content. The pediatrician gave the green light for introducing meat for some more protein and adding good fats at any opportunity. Garrison now gets real butter on just about everything. She also recommended adding safflower oil to lots of things as it's a really good fat and easy to add a few drops to oatmeal or cook veggies in. 

Thanksgiving 2015. Let it be known that the plan was to wear
 pants. Garrison changed that plan by spitting up on his pants
two seconds after getting ready. Still, he's pretty cute.

We've also been working on introducing a sippy cup. It hasn't been going super well, but Santa brought some sippy cups with straws. I'm VERY committed to the sippy cup because I am VERY ready to kick formula to the curb. I don't know if we will have to switch to something other than whole milk (so as to have extra calories and nutrients) but regardless it'll save a bundle over $25 containers of formula. 

Garrison's first ever Christmas present

Sleeping: Praise the Lord. The sleep situation is back to wonderful. At his nine month appointment I explained the sleep situation to his pediatrician. She pretty bluntly told me it sounded like I'd abandoned sleep training. And I guess I had. What started out as an anomaly became our every night and I was just too terrified to revisit sleep training. It was kind of the kick in the butt I needed to hear. Sam and I talked and agreed on a system. I'm happy to report that three not so fun nights of sleep training have equaled some very solid 11.5-12.5 hour nights lately. Even with the holidays. I can't complain.

Christmas morning. Nom, nom. Little people.

Likes: Cabinets. That's pretty much it. Oh and dog food. The only two things that's he's not supposed to have are the two things he most desires. Ughhhhh. The cabinet situation happened fast. He was using handles to pull up for a while and I wasn't really worried. He was pleased just to stand there holding onto the kitchen cabinets. But then, he discovered that the cabinets and drawers open. Have mercy. By day three of this discovery he'd already pulled out my ceramic pitcher from Pottery Barn (which of course shattered). Cue a rush to order cabinet locks.

The dog food thing is weird. He's obsessed. I literally pull him away from the dog food 20, 30, 40+ times a day. It drives me bananas, but I don't really know what to do about it. I just keep hoping it's a phase that he'll grow out of.

Garrison met Santa. For one brief moment it looked as if they might be friends.
Do not be fooled. Garrison actually hates Santa and would prefer if he never
visits our house. And thus began Stranger Danger. "Where's mama?"

Dislikes: Separation anxiety is still a big deal in Garrison's life. He really just wants mommy 24 hours a day when we're home. Sam can entertain him if he tries really hard, but sometimes dad just doesn't cut it. And even if he's playing contentedly with his dad, if he sees me walk off/leave the room he flips into hysterical mode like lightning. Thankfully, he still likes his teachers at daycare, so morning drop-off is still super easy. The day that changes??? Woe to my coworkers.

Winter = 10x more trips to the pediatrician

Garrison also hates being sick (as does his mom). He's gotten two viruses in the last couple of months. The one at the end of November was a glorious combo of ear infection and bronchitis. That one was not fun simply because of the medications, breathing treatments, etc. He was sweet and snuggly though, so while I hated that he felt bad, I was glad that that he generally just wanted to sleep and snuggle. The most recent was a sore throat...no definitive cause. Maybe a virus. Either way, that one suuuckkked. He screamed non-stop. I was so sure he had an ear infection that I took him in again. Nope. Clear ears. Ughhhh. The phrase "Winter is coming" now strikes real fear in my heart.

Garrison officially hates his carseat. Buckling him in has become a battle of wills. His will is very strong. Once he's in it, it's a 50/50 guess as to whether he'll happily babble away or scream like a banshee the entire trip.

He was certainly my best gift ever.

Ohhh, and diaper changes. What the heck? That child acts like I'm stabbing him with hot pokers as soon as I lay him down. He flips over. Crawls away. Flips over. Crawls away. Flips over. Crawls away. It seems so simple. Me VS 17 baby. This should not be a big deal, but oh. my. gosh. Can we potty train yet?

Riding his Elephant on Christmas morning. I love his little face.

Looking forward to: Well, I can tell you that I'm NOT looking forward to driving with Garrison down to Daytona, Florida. My cousin is getting married in January and we'll be loading up the car and driving some excruciating long hours. I haven't actually looked up how far it is out of fear. However, it'll be nice to have a long weekend again with my little man. Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays have spoiled me.

I'm also looking forward to planning his first birthday party. I'm telling myself to get into the planning so I can focus a little less on the occasion. I can't wrap my head around having a one year old. I mean, wasn't he just a little five pound burrito baby yesterday?

On Cloud Nine

Oh my gosh. Obviously I'm failing at much of life as my child is 9 months AND TWELVE DAYS, but we're just going to move right on along and skip that little fact. The last month has been insane. It's been one of the busiest seasons at work, a busy time for our family, and just all around exhausting. But it's, been glorious too. My baby got to experience his first Halloween (wait for the picture), moved to a new classroom in daycare, graduated from PT and OT. It's just amazing watching him grow and develop into a little person. So though I'm completely exhausted, these are some of the best months.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubba, Bubs, Nugs, Nugget

Always on the move. Never sitting still.

Stats: I don't have one hundred percent official stats, but I did take him in to the pediatrician at 9 months (for a yucky cough). With sweatpants, sweatshirt, and a cloth diaper he was 17 lbs 7 oz. Naked at home he was 17 lbs 1 oz, so I split the difference and said 17 lbs 4 oz. This has been a GREAT month of growth which really surprised me as he hasn't been taking bottles well, but we'll take it. As far as height, he GREW!!! Again, not official, and possibly not super accurate, but we think he's about 26.5 inches, which is a whole inch of growth. As far as percentiles, he's about 10-11% for weight, but unfortunately has fallen quite far behind on length…it looks like we might not even be on the growth chart any longer. He has his appointment with the pediatrician this week, so I'm choosing not to panic and wait for official numbers.

My sweet boys all dressed up for Friendsgiving.

Eating: We're still offering 5 ounces about every three hours, but he continues to eat less and less. I guess this is the "weaning" part of baby led weaning…he's far more interested in real food than his bottle. Plus he's working on some teeth. He officially has 4 teeth: the two bottom front, and the two top beside the front. But honestly, I think the front are on their way too, so he's probably working on four at once. As far as solids go, he still loves avocados the best. He's also tried black beans, pasta, rice, hummus, pita, shredded cheese, and apple (not very successful). I'm still a little leery to try eggs and meats due to allergy risks, but I think once those things can be added successfully, he'll officially be able to eat what we eat.

Enjoying a dinner or pasta, jasmine rice, (it's so sticky!) and broccoli

Sleeping: Sleep is still pretty good. It's not as great as it once ways, but it's not awful. He was started waking up more and more at night…not every night, but one to three nights a week. The problem is that he seems to have lost the ability to put himself back to sleep. If he wakes up, I can guarantee that I'll be up the rest of the night. If he doesn't wake up, it's glorious, but if he does, it's awful. I'm hoping there are legitimate excuses for these night time wakings like teeth or a cough, but I'm afraid he might just be loosing some ability to self soothe…or maybe a desire to. He'd rather have mama. He continues to be a bad napper in general at daycare. Typically 30-45 minutes is all they can milk out of him…which is actually pretty decent for him for how much stimulation is in the room. Every now and then he'll record some epic two hour nap, but just as often it's ten or less minutes.

Napping at daycare in a vibrating chair because some days I'm spoiled.

Likes: Garrison is still pretty obsessed with standing. He has very little patience for sitting in one place. He learned to officially crawl a few days after he turned 8 months, so he is on the move all the time. His favorite discovery is that the drawers and cabinets throughout the house open. Now that he knows they open, he is so excited to get loose, crawl to a cabinet, pull up, and then open and close it approximately 2,000 times.

Don't worry: the crib was lowered after this little display.

Garrison also loves bath time, but he's in serious need of some bath toys. He loves to splash around, but he REALLY loves throwing things in the water and fishing them back up. As we don't have any bath toys, he's been playing with the bath thermometer. I've been saving myself from buying a bunch of bath toys since Christmas is coming, but I think he'll really enjoy them.

Get me some toys!

Dislikes: Being separated from Mommy. Oh. My. Gosh. I have to admit this part is exhausting. The mornings and evenings are hard. If I have 100% of my time available to sit and play with him, he's generally pretty happy. But that rarely happens. I have to get ready for work, or wash clothes, or wash diapers, and well, any moment away from mommy is the WORST thing ever.

Mommy, don't leave me. Ever. Not ever. Not even to pee.

He also dislikes being told no. Now that he's on the move, he's into EVERYTHING. Including things that he really shouldn't be in. Like electrical cords. And dog bones. And water bowls. Once upon a time, I could just move him away from the object of his desire and distract him with some other item, but now? Oh no. He. Is. Relentless. I'm not sure if it's too early, but I've been gently telling him no and removing the dangerous/undesirable item from him and redirecting to something more suitable and less deadly. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Mom told me I have to eat these beets but I want her CHICKEN

Looking forward to: Well, it's the most wonderful time of the year, so uhh, yeah, you could say I'm looking forward to Christmas. I'm so excited I can hardly breathe. I spent so many years struggling at Christmas due to infertility and the giant mess of feelings the holidays and family gatherings bring up. I'm excited to experience the joy of seeing Christmas through his eyes this year. He'll be ten months on Christmas day!

As promised: the cutest little Frog Prince you've ever seen

The last few weeks have also been weeks to bring a lot of clarity and perspective to my days. Yes, they are hard. Yes, they are busy. Yes, I'm tired. But this is also the GREATEST year of my life. I have been so blessed with this little bundle of love and and the fact that he's here: happy, and healthy, well that's really the greatest gift of all.

Pieces of Eight

Another month has flown by. Garrison is now 8 months (and seven days…oops) old. The days are seriously flying by. I know I'll blink and Thanksgiving will be gone and Christmas will be just days away. Moments later, my teeny, tiny baby will be turning one. It's been that kind of a year. I'm trying so hard to enjoy it all and soak it all in. Unfortunately, a lot of days I feel like a plate spinner…you know those people who spin multiple plates on pointy sticks for fun? That's what I imagine I look like, except a lot less graceful. So before I drop all the plates or enough days pass and he's nine months old, let's get this update together.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubba, Bubs

This is all the smile you're going to get mom...shoot fast.

Stats: I don't have an official height, but I did take him in for a weight check. He weighs 15 lbs 14.7 oz. I measured his height at home, and unfortunately it doesn't look like he's grown in height at all. Still about 25.5 inches. I'm telling myself that means a big growth spurt is coming. One thing I am not used to is dealing with short legs and arms. That has never been my issue. At 5'8, I've always been right at the line where I need tall pants even in flats, but my real problem has always been the length of sleeves. Sleeves are never long enough…so frustrating. And then I met my 6'9 husband who needs 36" inseams and wears size 14 wide shoes and my frustrations no longer seemed all that valid. Needless to say, we order a lot of clothes online in this family. I never dreamed we'd have a kid who needs his pants rolled up 2-3 times. New territory for us for sure. He's still wearing size 3-6 or 6 month clothes and size two diapers.

He loves his chirpy chicken.

Eating: We're still offering 5 ounces about every three hours, but he will eat well one bottle and then not the next, or eat everything in sight one day and then be completely uninterested the next day. He's eating about 20-26 ounces a day between the seven bottles we offer. I unfortunately did not get very brave or adventurous this month with baby led weaning. He's still eating avocados, pears, and occasionally bananas. We added sweet potatoes this month and he does like those a lot. He's eating two "meals" a day, but only 2-4 slices at each meal. He's just not a big eater. I hope to be more adventurous this month so that by nine or ten months he can eat a bit more of what we actually eat. That will make meal time a tad less stressful for all of us.

Naked baby enjoying some sweet potatoes.

Sleeping: Sleep continues to be the same…he's a pretty phenomenal sleeper at night and a super crappy sleeper during the day. Daycare typically tells me if he naps for more than thirty minutes like it's some kind of celebration. Some days he continues to wake up at 5:30 in the morning. There doesn't seem to be a reason, but it's pretty consistent: if he's going to wake up, it's going to be between 5 and 5:30 in the morning.

Those lips! Also note the cat sleeping on his butt.

Likes: Garrison's current obsession is standing. He learned to pull up about a week before he hit eight months and how he wants to stand ALL. THE. TIME. He has zero patience for sitting. Why sit when you can stand? He enjoys standing on the edge of his exersaucer and holding on to the side.

So Many Pumpkins...he was super over it at this point.
The opened-mouth, half smile was as good as he was giving.

Garrison has also perfected the art of the army crawl. He's sooooo close to really crawling, but for now, he's pretty dang fast at pulling with his arms. I think he's enjoying his freedom a good bit.

All-Most-There

Dislikes: This new freedom has ironically been paired with some SEVERE separation anxiety. I read that some babies will cry when mom leaves the room around this age. Garrison takes it to the extreme… if I move or even shift my weight in preparation to leave, he loses his ever loving mind. This has made our morning routine pretty miserable. I have been known on more than one occasion to load up the car without finishing my makeup or my hair just to drive around for 10-20 minutes to end the non-stop screaming. Thankfully, he does like the car again, so that typically works.

Beep beep. Out of the way.

Looking forward to: Well, Garrison is moving to a new class in daycare. While on one hand that makes me a little sad, on the other hand, I'm pretty proud. There are other babies who are younger than he is, but developmentally farther along in the new class. It makes me happy that he's catching up and meeting the milestones needed to move on. Fall has been wonderful thus far. I continue to look forward to more days with my little love. I'm seriously counting down the weeks until Thanksgiving when I'll get a nice little break from work and some serious time at home with my little man.