Eleven til One

You guys, I may spend the next few weeks curled up in the fetal position. Eleven months. ELEVEN months. ELEVEN MONTHS. Be still my heart. I just can't.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubs, Nugs, Love Nug, Goobs, Goobie, Goobie Booty, Noodle

Beautiful little Goobie.

Stats: Once again I have really inaccurate stats and for that reason I'm not going to FREAK THE HELL out about the numbers. 18 lbs and 27 inches. For. The. Love. We're incrementally climbing the weight chart and rolling down the height chart like a runaway snowball. But, it's not worth worrying about until I get into the pediatrician for his one year next appointment. He still wears 6-9 or 9 months clothes and size 3 diapers when he's not wearing cloth. And, we may stay here until he's two. But that's cool. I'm getting my money's worth.

Post bath naked time.

This child has nine teeth. NINE. He has the top four, bottom three, and then both of the first bottom molars have come through. He's taking it like a champ because he has seriously been teething nonstop since 7 months. Bless his heart. And bless mama's too because the kid BITES. I'm terrified that my kid is going to be THAT kid at school. I already hear his teachers saying, "Gentle, Garrison" all the time. Ackkk.

Sharpening his toothies on Sophie action while he waits on
his pancakes at Cracker Barrel

Eating: I pretty much let him eat whatever he wants at this point. Baby Led Weaning has produced an excellent eater. Far better than his mama. I think his favorite foods are probably beans, mashed potatoes, and blueberries. All foods I could really do without. Bless him. The only foods he hasn't really had yet our peanuts/peanut butter, grapes, and egg whites. Oh and cake. He hasn't had cake. But he's about to have lots of cake. Sigh.

Pulled pork and baked beans. Yum.

He's doing really well with straw sippy cups. I think he prefers not to have to tip his head back. He's a busy little body and would prefer not to have to rest/chill and lounge with his cup/bottle. So pretty much the exact opposite of his mama. But I'm really proud of him. All of these things that people said he might struggle with due to his preemie status, low birth weight status, or early struggles have just turned into non issues. He's rocking growing up into a (teeny tiny) big boy.

Daddy trying to encourage him to walk sans walker/shopping cart/wagon.

Sleeping: The sleep situation remains wonderful. He's still getting 11.5-12.5 hours each night. Our trip down to Florida sort of through him out of whack for a few days, but otherwise, he's been awesome. Thank you, Jesus.

Sleepy snuggles in the morning are my favorite.

Likes: He likes mom. A lot. Like more than a lot. Like mom is the only human in the world worth acknowledging most days. I can sit like a bump on a log and I'm just the greatest thing ever. Sam has to perform like a circus act to garner that kind of attention. Bless him. Daycare and the nursery volunteers at church have mentioned that he's starting to notice (and become upset) when other moms come to pick up their kids. Poor buddy, Unfortunately for him, I'm typically the last or second to last to get him at daycare and he's stuck in the nursery for two services on Sunday so he sees all the mamas come and go. The past month has been pretty hard on my mom heart. I'm feeling more guilty about leaving him, working, etc. He's so little and all he wants in life is his mama. It doesn't seem like too much to ask for. I keep reminding myself that I'm a better mom to him in the time we have together for my time away. If I was his jungle gym all day, I'd be exasperated. This is good for me. And him. That's my mantra.

Just chillin' in the wagon in the middle of the living room.

Garrison also likes whatever I've told him "no, no" about. Dog bowls...A-mazing. Cat litter...Best. Thing. Ever. Trash can...freaking awesome. Sterling...so great. Everest...best toy. I've almost decided to just let him go. Sure buddy, eat the dog food, flip the water bowl, beat on that 85 pound beast, pull the cats tail, but then I get to the cat litter. Nope. Just no. Gross. I can't. We will continue to say "no, no" and redirect a million and a half more times (this week).

Come'ere Sterling

Dislikes: Garrison continues to dislike being away from mom. I truly do think he's fine once I'm gone. It's the whole me leaving/someone taking him from me that sends him into a fit. Oh, and the reminder that I'm not there by the fact that other moms have come back for their little ones (thanks a bunch, moms).

Garrison continues to hate diaper changes. HATES them. And unfortunately, I'm struggling with cloth diapers for the first time in my wash routine, so I'm not loving diapers these days either. I'd potty train him today if I could.

Riding in his big boy car seat.

Looking forward to: Plans for his first birthday are going well. I'm probably about 1/2 of the way through with decorations and planning. It's going to be a good day. I may just not wear any mascara that day.

These eleven months have been the greatest months of my life. Hardest? Maybe. There were certainly some really, really hard days. But all of the days have been filled to the absolute brim with redemption. The Lord is redeeming my lost years one day at a time. I'd walk through those four years of trying to conceive and infertility a thousand times to have this little love. The love in my heart for that little boy. Gahhhh. I could just squeeze him all day long. He's my greatest adventure and the love of my heart. 

Perfect Ten

The holidays are over. Wahhhh. I have to admit that this was just the best little season. Christmas was hectic as always...it's par for the course when you and your spouse have divorced parents. The number of places to go and people to see just multiplies and suddenly you blink and three days have gone by. But it was a really precious time. Sam and I took some time off of work and linked it up with the holiday time off and weekends and managed to get six days...the longest we've both been off since Sam started his job in 2013. It was glorious. And in the midst of that, my little man turned 10 months old. I can see the writing on the wall now. The next two months are going to fly. His birthday will be here and then he'll be one and then I'll lay down one night and wake up and it'll be time to send him to kindergarten. Ughhhh. And then college. I'm soaking in as many minutes with my baby as possible.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubs, Nugs, Nugget

Mom, this is ridiculous.

Stats: So his starts have barely changed, but I learned that his stats from 9 months were probably a little less than accurate. When I took him in for his actual 9 month appointment (at 9 months 16 days) he only weighed 16 lbs 9.8 oz, so my 17+ was just a wee bit off. Again, I don't have super accurate stats but we're going with 17 lbs 5 oz. I was also worried about his height at the 9 month appointment (because he fell totally off the chart) so the doctor remeasured him and puuuullllled on his little body stretching his neck to get an extra quarter of an inch. We're going with that measurement because I am not repeating that at home. 26.75 inches. Those numbers put him at between the fifth and tenth percentiles for weight and under the second percentile for height. I'm satisfied I guess. I mean, I can't actually make the kid grow. He wears 6-9 or 9 months clothes and he's just switched to size 3 diapers when he's not wearing cloth. He officially has 6 teeth now. Four on top and two on the bottom.

Pancakes at grandma's house.
She's silly enough to let him eat in a cushioned highchair.

Eating: Baby Led Weaning has REALLY shown it's power this past month. Homeboy devours food. Looooves food. He wants to eat whatever I'm eating, which is cool unless mom is eating ice cream. He also refuses to be fed. He wants to feed himself. It's obviously messy and on mashed potato night I have to hold my breath so as not to puke on him, but I'm pleased with his love of food and his willingness to eat anything I give him. Thus far, BLW has proven to do as promised, so we'll keep plugging along. I've also seen the truth that as he eats more real food his desire for formula goes way down. We've been struggling just to keep him hydrated. I'm obviously a bit worried about calories and growth...there is just no amount of avocados, potatoes, or cheese that will equal the calorie rich formula. Especially since we fortify to a higher calorie content. The pediatrician gave the green light for introducing meat for some more protein and adding good fats at any opportunity. Garrison now gets real butter on just about everything. She also recommended adding safflower oil to lots of things as it's a really good fat and easy to add a few drops to oatmeal or cook veggies in. 

Thanksgiving 2015. Let it be known that the plan was to wear
 pants. Garrison changed that plan by spitting up on his pants
two seconds after getting ready. Still, he's pretty cute.

We've also been working on introducing a sippy cup. It hasn't been going super well, but Santa brought some sippy cups with straws. I'm VERY committed to the sippy cup because I am VERY ready to kick formula to the curb. I don't know if we will have to switch to something other than whole milk (so as to have extra calories and nutrients) but regardless it'll save a bundle over $25 containers of formula. 

Garrison's first ever Christmas present

Sleeping: Praise the Lord. The sleep situation is back to wonderful. At his nine month appointment I explained the sleep situation to his pediatrician. She pretty bluntly told me it sounded like I'd abandoned sleep training. And I guess I had. What started out as an anomaly became our every night and I was just too terrified to revisit sleep training. It was kind of the kick in the butt I needed to hear. Sam and I talked and agreed on a system. I'm happy to report that three not so fun nights of sleep training have equaled some very solid 11.5-12.5 hour nights lately. Even with the holidays. I can't complain.

Christmas morning. Nom, nom. Little people.

Likes: Cabinets. That's pretty much it. Oh and dog food. The only two things that's he's not supposed to have are the two things he most desires. Ughhhhh. The cabinet situation happened fast. He was using handles to pull up for a while and I wasn't really worried. He was pleased just to stand there holding onto the kitchen cabinets. But then, he discovered that the cabinets and drawers open. Have mercy. By day three of this discovery he'd already pulled out my ceramic pitcher from Pottery Barn (which of course shattered). Cue a rush to order cabinet locks.

The dog food thing is weird. He's obsessed. I literally pull him away from the dog food 20, 30, 40+ times a day. It drives me bananas, but I don't really know what to do about it. I just keep hoping it's a phase that he'll grow out of.

Garrison met Santa. For one brief moment it looked as if they might be friends.
Do not be fooled. Garrison actually hates Santa and would prefer if he never
visits our house. And thus began Stranger Danger. "Where's mama?"

Dislikes: Separation anxiety is still a big deal in Garrison's life. He really just wants mommy 24 hours a day when we're home. Sam can entertain him if he tries really hard, but sometimes dad just doesn't cut it. And even if he's playing contentedly with his dad, if he sees me walk off/leave the room he flips into hysterical mode like lightning. Thankfully, he still likes his teachers at daycare, so morning drop-off is still super easy. The day that changes??? Woe to my coworkers.

Winter = 10x more trips to the pediatrician

Garrison also hates being sick (as does his mom). He's gotten two viruses in the last couple of months. The one at the end of November was a glorious combo of ear infection and bronchitis. That one was not fun simply because of the medications, breathing treatments, etc. He was sweet and snuggly though, so while I hated that he felt bad, I was glad that that he generally just wanted to sleep and snuggle. The most recent was a sore throat...no definitive cause. Maybe a virus. Either way, that one suuuckkked. He screamed non-stop. I was so sure he had an ear infection that I took him in again. Nope. Clear ears. Ughhhh. The phrase "Winter is coming" now strikes real fear in my heart.

Garrison officially hates his carseat. Buckling him in has become a battle of wills. His will is very strong. Once he's in it, it's a 50/50 guess as to whether he'll happily babble away or scream like a banshee the entire trip.

He was certainly my best gift ever.

Ohhh, and diaper changes. What the heck? That child acts like I'm stabbing him with hot pokers as soon as I lay him down. He flips over. Crawls away. Flips over. Crawls away. Flips over. Crawls away. It seems so simple. Me VS 17 baby. This should not be a big deal, but oh. my. gosh. Can we potty train yet?

Riding his Elephant on Christmas morning. I love his little face.

Looking forward to: Well, I can tell you that I'm NOT looking forward to driving with Garrison down to Daytona, Florida. My cousin is getting married in January and we'll be loading up the car and driving some excruciating long hours. I haven't actually looked up how far it is out of fear. However, it'll be nice to have a long weekend again with my little man. Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays have spoiled me.

I'm also looking forward to planning his first birthday party. I'm telling myself to get into the planning so I can focus a little less on the occasion. I can't wrap my head around having a one year old. I mean, wasn't he just a little five pound burrito baby yesterday?

On Cloud Nine

Oh my gosh. Obviously I'm failing at much of life as my child is 9 months AND TWELVE DAYS, but we're just going to move right on along and skip that little fact. The last month has been insane. It's been one of the busiest seasons at work, a busy time for our family, and just all around exhausting. But it's, been glorious too. My baby got to experience his first Halloween (wait for the picture), moved to a new classroom in daycare, graduated from PT and OT. It's just amazing watching him grow and develop into a little person. So though I'm completely exhausted, these are some of the best months.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubba, Bubs, Nugs, Nugget

Always on the move. Never sitting still.

Stats: I don't have one hundred percent official stats, but I did take him in to the pediatrician at 9 months (for a yucky cough). With sweatpants, sweatshirt, and a cloth diaper he was 17 lbs 7 oz. Naked at home he was 17 lbs 1 oz, so I split the difference and said 17 lbs 4 oz. This has been a GREAT month of growth which really surprised me as he hasn't been taking bottles well, but we'll take it. As far as height, he GREW!!! Again, not official, and possibly not super accurate, but we think he's about 26.5 inches, which is a whole inch of growth. As far as percentiles, he's about 10-11% for weight, but unfortunately has fallen quite far behind on length…it looks like we might not even be on the growth chart any longer. He has his appointment with the pediatrician this week, so I'm choosing not to panic and wait for official numbers.

My sweet boys all dressed up for Friendsgiving.

Eating: We're still offering 5 ounces about every three hours, but he continues to eat less and less. I guess this is the "weaning" part of baby led weaning…he's far more interested in real food than his bottle. Plus he's working on some teeth. He officially has 4 teeth: the two bottom front, and the two top beside the front. But honestly, I think the front are on their way too, so he's probably working on four at once. As far as solids go, he still loves avocados the best. He's also tried black beans, pasta, rice, hummus, pita, shredded cheese, and apple (not very successful). I'm still a little leery to try eggs and meats due to allergy risks, but I think once those things can be added successfully, he'll officially be able to eat what we eat.

Enjoying a dinner or pasta, jasmine rice, (it's so sticky!) and broccoli

Sleeping: Sleep is still pretty good. It's not as great as it once ways, but it's not awful. He was started waking up more and more at night…not every night, but one to three nights a week. The problem is that he seems to have lost the ability to put himself back to sleep. If he wakes up, I can guarantee that I'll be up the rest of the night. If he doesn't wake up, it's glorious, but if he does, it's awful. I'm hoping there are legitimate excuses for these night time wakings like teeth or a cough, but I'm afraid he might just be loosing some ability to self soothe…or maybe a desire to. He'd rather have mama. He continues to be a bad napper in general at daycare. Typically 30-45 minutes is all they can milk out of him…which is actually pretty decent for him for how much stimulation is in the room. Every now and then he'll record some epic two hour nap, but just as often it's ten or less minutes.

Napping at daycare in a vibrating chair because some days I'm spoiled.

Likes: Garrison is still pretty obsessed with standing. He has very little patience for sitting in one place. He learned to officially crawl a few days after he turned 8 months, so he is on the move all the time. His favorite discovery is that the drawers and cabinets throughout the house open. Now that he knows they open, he is so excited to get loose, crawl to a cabinet, pull up, and then open and close it approximately 2,000 times.

Don't worry: the crib was lowered after this little display.

Garrison also loves bath time, but he's in serious need of some bath toys. He loves to splash around, but he REALLY loves throwing things in the water and fishing them back up. As we don't have any bath toys, he's been playing with the bath thermometer. I've been saving myself from buying a bunch of bath toys since Christmas is coming, but I think he'll really enjoy them.

Get me some toys!

Dislikes: Being separated from Mommy. Oh. My. Gosh. I have to admit this part is exhausting. The mornings and evenings are hard. If I have 100% of my time available to sit and play with him, he's generally pretty happy. But that rarely happens. I have to get ready for work, or wash clothes, or wash diapers, and well, any moment away from mommy is the WORST thing ever.

Mommy, don't leave me. Ever. Not ever. Not even to pee.

He also dislikes being told no. Now that he's on the move, he's into EVERYTHING. Including things that he really shouldn't be in. Like electrical cords. And dog bones. And water bowls. Once upon a time, I could just move him away from the object of his desire and distract him with some other item, but now? Oh no. He. Is. Relentless. I'm not sure if it's too early, but I've been gently telling him no and removing the dangerous/undesirable item from him and redirecting to something more suitable and less deadly. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Mom told me I have to eat these beets but I want her CHICKEN

Looking forward to: Well, it's the most wonderful time of the year, so uhh, yeah, you could say I'm looking forward to Christmas. I'm so excited I can hardly breathe. I spent so many years struggling at Christmas due to infertility and the giant mess of feelings the holidays and family gatherings bring up. I'm excited to experience the joy of seeing Christmas through his eyes this year. He'll be ten months on Christmas day!

As promised: the cutest little Frog Prince you've ever seen

The last few weeks have also been weeks to bring a lot of clarity and perspective to my days. Yes, they are hard. Yes, they are busy. Yes, I'm tired. But this is also the GREATEST year of my life. I have been so blessed with this little bundle of love and and the fact that he's here: happy, and healthy, well that's really the greatest gift of all.

Pieces of Eight

Another month has flown by. Garrison is now 8 months (and seven days…oops) old. The days are seriously flying by. I know I'll blink and Thanksgiving will be gone and Christmas will be just days away. Moments later, my teeny, tiny baby will be turning one. It's been that kind of a year. I'm trying so hard to enjoy it all and soak it all in. Unfortunately, a lot of days I feel like a plate spinner…you know those people who spin multiple plates on pointy sticks for fun? That's what I imagine I look like, except a lot less graceful. So before I drop all the plates or enough days pass and he's nine months old, let's get this update together.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubba, Bubs

This is all the smile you're going to get mom...shoot fast.

Stats: I don't have an official height, but I did take him in for a weight check. He weighs 15 lbs 14.7 oz. I measured his height at home, and unfortunately it doesn't look like he's grown in height at all. Still about 25.5 inches. I'm telling myself that means a big growth spurt is coming. One thing I am not used to is dealing with short legs and arms. That has never been my issue. At 5'8, I've always been right at the line where I need tall pants even in flats, but my real problem has always been the length of sleeves. Sleeves are never long enough…so frustrating. And then I met my 6'9 husband who needs 36" inseams and wears size 14 wide shoes and my frustrations no longer seemed all that valid. Needless to say, we order a lot of clothes online in this family. I never dreamed we'd have a kid who needs his pants rolled up 2-3 times. New territory for us for sure. He's still wearing size 3-6 or 6 month clothes and size two diapers.

He loves his chirpy chicken.

Eating: We're still offering 5 ounces about every three hours, but he will eat well one bottle and then not the next, or eat everything in sight one day and then be completely uninterested the next day. He's eating about 20-26 ounces a day between the seven bottles we offer. I unfortunately did not get very brave or adventurous this month with baby led weaning. He's still eating avocados, pears, and occasionally bananas. We added sweet potatoes this month and he does like those a lot. He's eating two "meals" a day, but only 2-4 slices at each meal. He's just not a big eater. I hope to be more adventurous this month so that by nine or ten months he can eat a bit more of what we actually eat. That will make meal time a tad less stressful for all of us.

Naked baby enjoying some sweet potatoes.

Sleeping: Sleep continues to be the same…he's a pretty phenomenal sleeper at night and a super crappy sleeper during the day. Daycare typically tells me if he naps for more than thirty minutes like it's some kind of celebration. Some days he continues to wake up at 5:30 in the morning. There doesn't seem to be a reason, but it's pretty consistent: if he's going to wake up, it's going to be between 5 and 5:30 in the morning.

Those lips! Also note the cat sleeping on his butt.

Likes: Garrison's current obsession is standing. He learned to pull up about a week before he hit eight months and how he wants to stand ALL. THE. TIME. He has zero patience for sitting. Why sit when you can stand? He enjoys standing on the edge of his exersaucer and holding on to the side.

So Many Pumpkins...he was super over it at this point.
The opened-mouth, half smile was as good as he was giving.

Garrison has also perfected the art of the army crawl. He's sooooo close to really crawling, but for now, he's pretty dang fast at pulling with his arms. I think he's enjoying his freedom a good bit.

All-Most-There

Dislikes: This new freedom has ironically been paired with some SEVERE separation anxiety. I read that some babies will cry when mom leaves the room around this age. Garrison takes it to the extreme… if I move or even shift my weight in preparation to leave, he loses his ever loving mind. This has made our morning routine pretty miserable. I have been known on more than one occasion to load up the car without finishing my makeup or my hair just to drive around for 10-20 minutes to end the non-stop screaming. Thankfully, he does like the car again, so that typically works.

Beep beep. Out of the way.

Looking forward to: Well, Garrison is moving to a new class in daycare. While on one hand that makes me a little sad, on the other hand, I'm pretty proud. There are other babies who are younger than he is, but developmentally farther along in the new class. It makes me happy that he's catching up and meeting the milestones needed to move on. Fall has been wonderful thus far. I continue to look forward to more days with my little love. I'm seriously counting down the weeks until Thanksgiving when I'll get a nice little break from work and some serious time at home with my little man.

Thoughts on Infertility from the Other Side

This blog has become what I always thought it would be (with a lot less blogging than I imagined). You see, I never set out to be an infertility blogger. I didn't really set out to be an anything blogger. I just started blogging. While a lot of infertility bloggers struggle with the space they've created once they bring home a child, I'm not. Or at least not in the same ways. This space is mine and it's the space I've created to write about my life. In this current season, blogging is HARD because finding time to do anything is hard, let along string together two well thought out sentences that someone might actually want to read. But blogging about my son, his milestones, our adventures...it feels natural. This is the life I always thought I would lead (well except that I was six years younger and twenty pounds lighter in my dreams, but hey).

While blogging about my son and our life together (or more accurately his monthly updates...let's be real) feels normal and good in this space, I haven't forgotten my roots. Infertility is in me, down deep. I'm blissfully happy, overwhelmed at the grace given to me in the form of this beautiful boy, but I am still infertile. Thoughts on infertility don't consume me, but I do still think about infertility. Pretty regularly actually. My thoughts are probably two fold...part from being a mother on the other side of the waiting and yearning for a child, and the other from having chosen adoption to get there.

What are my thoughts on infertility now that I'm a mom? Well for starters that season of my life SUCKED. I may still be infertile, but I'd rather be infertile with a child than infertile without every. single. day. While I may absolutely go through another season of longing and waiting to add to my family, I can't imagine that anything will be as miserable as those first four years.

Secondly, nothing about my body has changed...it's still just as broken as ever, but my outlook on this broken body and the crappy circumstances of infertility is so much more optimistic now that I have Garrison. But I remember those days, the ones where I honestly wasn't sure if I'd ever hold a child and call him son or daughter. That was the darkest season of my life.

While that season is definitely over, I am still infertile. My body is still broken, still not functioning the way that a woman's body should. I will have to make my peace with that or allow it to haunt me, but either way, adopting Garrison or any other child will not change my body. And, unlike the recent upsurge of those surprisingly pregnant after giving birth from a successful IUI or IVF treatment in the community, adoption will not reset or convince my body that it does in fact know what to do. I am still just as infertile today as this time last year when we started the adoption process, and the year before that as we prepared for IVF. Garrison didn't change my broken body. I imagine that in some ways pregnancy and birth after infertility are healing. At least, I always thought it would be. My body's triumph over this stupid condition...adoption does not provide that same sense of victory. I don't hate my body, that's really not the issue. Sure, I wish it was less pudgy, slimmer, with curves in the right places rather that where they currently reside, but I don't look at my body and think FAILURE should be tattooed across my forehead. However, adoption isn't changing the way I see my body...and it's probably never going to. My breasts will likely sag (even more than they do now), but I will never look at them with joy or pride for the nourishment that they provided. I'll likely have a stretch mark or two, but they won't be the sign of a warrior, proud of the life she carried inside. Rather they'll just be the lingering reminder of one too many pints of Ben and Jerry's. I am still infertile both in definition and in spirit, despite the adorable blue-eyed boy perched on my hip.

Despite the almost daily reminders of my infertility, it is not the all consuming presence it once was. And interestingly enough, Garrison is not a reminder of my infertility, which many have voiced as a question to me. I don't look at Garrison and think of my infertility or even his adoption into our family...I just see my son. The daily reminders of infertility are the same things they always were--pregnancy announcements, the fertility friend app on my phone ("Did you know that charting your cervical fluid can help you pinpoint your most fertile days?" Umm, yeah, NO.), the box of used needles from my IVF cycle in my linen closet, the packets of Pregnitude that fall out of the medicine box, pregnant women. They all still remind me of my condition just like they always did. Pregnany belly bumps still hurt like crazy. It's not exactly a knife in the stomach any longer, but it's still a good firm kick. The largest part of my free thoughts go to Garrison and planning and dreaming about the future, but there are still (and maybe always will be) triggers. So yes, I absolutely feel infertile and yes, I still think about infertility pretty regularly; however, I no longer feel completely consumed or trapped by my infertility. I have found my path to my family and it has freed me to dream about growing a large family again.

What are my thoughts on infertility after adoption? I don't think anyone, infertile or otherwise, really knows how they will feel about adoption until they've lived it. It's part of the fear. "How will I feel looking into the eyes of a child that it not biologically related to me?" You can't really say until you do it. "How will I bond with this child who did not grow inside of me?" There are 1,000 different experiences and no one can say how the bonding and attachment season will go until you're neck deep in it. I really struggled with the idea that adoption was a calling and I wasn't sure if I was called...maybe adoption wouldn't "work" for me because I just simply wanted to adopt. Interestingly, adoption is changing me, changing who I am and what I dream about. Adopting made adoption my calling. The presence of infertility in my life no longer seems like the end of my story. It's a big freaking part, but more importantly it's the avenue, the walls of the river, if you will, that funneled me to my family. I still can't say that I would chose infertility, but I can say that I'd chose my son every day, and if infertility is the only way I'd find him, I'd walk that road again just to hold him in my arms.

What are my thoughts on biological children/pregnancy after adopting and becoming a mom? Before adopting, I was 100% confident in me need to experience a pregnancy at some point. I knew that after our first adoption I would return for IVF, donor eggs, or donor embryos because experiencing a pregnancy and giving birth was extremely high on my priority list. Now? It's really not. Would I like to experience all of that? Abso-freakin-lutely. Am I willing to spend the next five years chasing that dream? No, I'm really not. There are other ways to build my family, ways that currently excite me so much more than pursuing round after round of treatment. And this is in no way a slight against those seeking treatment. I get it. I was full steam ahead with ART once upon a time too. What I do wish, so deep down in my soul, is that those who are still waiting and wondering if they will ever hold their child would find the way to that child. Whether that's through medication, lifestyle change, prayer, acupuncture, adoption, fertility treatments, surrogacy...whatever the path is, I hope everyone finds it. My path didn't look anything like I thought it would, and my path continues to change even now. My son is changing what I want for my future, what I want for our family, where I want my money to go, and how I want to spend my days as we build our family.

The desire to give birth to a biological child is still there, but it has very little to do with wanting a child to share my DNA...actually it has nothing to do with that at all. It also has very little to do with wanting to carry a child. As I mentioned, I would like that experience. Very, very much. However, ultimately my desire to get pregnant and give birth comes from a desire for God to heal me. Sara Hagerty writes in Every Bitter Thing is Sweet, "I struggled, instead, with knowing that God could heal me, but he didn't." That's really the whole deal right there. I wrote about Sara's book earlier this year and said that I wasn't sure who I'd be if my fertile years run out and he never chooses to heal me. Will I still love God? Will I be bitter to the depths of my core? It seems much less severe today after becoming a mom, but like Sara, I still wrestle with that question. I want to be pregnant and give birth not because I'm desperate to look into a pair of green eyes with a head full of hair, but rather I yearn to see my God do the impossible in a tangible way.

For me, adoption has been the greatest blessing. Garrison is healing parts of my heart that have been broken for so, so long. I wasn't sure if I'd really ever by happy again, and this little boy is making morning sunrises and the changing seasons and so many other things glorious and new again. He's also changing my heart, allowing me to begin at the very smallest level to look from my own pain, which often causes us to look inward, and begin to look out and see the pain around me. Adopting Garrison is opening my eyes to the plight of the orphan in new ways. Now I cry over orphans and children in foster care...literal tears. It's no longer just a sad story for me, it's a desire to help in a real and tangible way. I long to scoop up the oppressed, marginalized, ignored, and forgotten, along with those who were deeply loved but whose birth family could not provide and bring them home. If I had to guess today, I doubt our family will look like the average family...and our kids certainly won't look like us. I imagine all of the kids will be blended in color, ethnicity, origin...and likely even how they join the family. Donor embryos and adoption (likely international) are the most probable ways for us to continue our family, and I seriously could not be more excited about the opportunities and possibilities before us.

Seventh Heaven

The months just keep passing, no matter what I do. Somehow, my itty, bitty baby went and turned 7 months old. For a thousand reasons I want to freeze time and never let him grow one minute older. This is such a sweet age. We're starting to really see his personality and it absolutely melts my heart. I wish he could just stay exactly like this forever. But then there are a million things that I'm looking forward to...watching his first movie together, reading a book together before bed that he actually acknowledges rather than trying to slobber on the pages, introducing him to Harry Potter, taking him to Disney World...there's just so many things I can't wait to do. The fact that the days speed by faster than ever is slightly less depressing when I think about all of the amazing things he will experience in the coming years.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubba, Bubs...we're narrowing it down to a theme here.

Really excited about these monthly pictures now.

Stats: I don't have official numbers this month, but he came in at 15 lbs 3 oz and 25.5 inches long at home…so a little less than a pound and about a half inch of growth in a month. Nothing earth shattering here. Still hanging out around the 5th percentile. He is still in size 2 when he wears disposable diapers and he's still in size 3-6 month clothes. I expect we'll be here for a while.

I'd really like to eat that phone!

Eating: Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd lost weight the way he's been eating. He's been teething since Labor Day. He now officially has two teeth, but man, getting those suckers out was basically a food strike. He was NOT interested in the bottle.

Don't worry about me, mom! Look at my rolls.

We finally started solids. We're trying to go with the baby led weaning approach, but I currently feel like a mega failure in terms of solids. My pediatrician about lost her mind when I said I hadn't started solids at his 6 month appointment...she thought we were very behind. While I know BLW takes a different stance on timing, I am worried that he's behind. I know he would do better and improve faster if he had more practice, but currently we're doing really good to get one meal a day in with solids. I have about an hour, maybe an hour and a half if he naps poorly with him awake in the evenings during the week. Somehow I'm supposed to do physical therapy, eat dinner as a family, give him a bath, read a book, and give him a bottle all within that period of time...it doesn't give a lot of time for him to just play with his food. But he'll get there. I'm going to ask daycare if they can start doing a feeding at school. Thus far he's had banana and avocado in terms of BLW. He definitely prefers avocado (little weirdo). Oddly, he's much better at feeding himself with a spoon right now than finger foods. I load the spoon and hand it to him. He gets it to his mouth right side up more than 75% of the time. So far he's tried oatmeal, sweet potatoes, and apples. We're going to try cucumbers and sweet potato sticks next.

Doubling up on those spoons!

Sleeping: Garrison continues to nap terribly to the point I wonder if it's even worth sticking to the schedule and fighting for naps. Some days, I'm so desperate for him to nap that I just hold him the entire time. This is the only way we come close to 45 minutes or longer. Otherwise it's typically 15-30 before he pops his head up like a little gopher. I can't complain too much though because Garrison continues to sleep well at night. There's typically a night or two each week where he wakes up between 4 and 6 o'clock in the morning...those days are obviously not my favorite. All in all though, I'm so thankful for a baby that sleeps through the night.

A brief visit to daycare during lunch. We decided to practice sitting. 

Likes: Garrison still enjoys bath time, so I think we'll need to find some bath toys soon. He gets super frustrated that I won't let him sit up in the bath, but my little guy continues to be a terrible sitter and the bath does NOT feel like the place to practice.

Give me a kiss ma'! Ooo, and give me some of your HAIR!

All in all, Garrison likes things that he can put in his mouth (mom's hair, cat hair off the floor, spoons, really anything is fair game) and toys that make noise. If it lights up AND makes noise, his little mind is blown and he can't stop smiling...for approximately five minutes until he wonders where his mom is and why she's not sitting RIGHT beside him.

Exhausted and full after his first tailgate.

Dislikes: I think Garrison mostly doesn't like to be tired...that's really when I feel like he's most cranky. Which to that I say, "take a FREAKING nap!" This kid just doesn't know how good he's got it. Imagine getting time painstakingly carved out of your day for you so that you can nap not once, not twice, not THREE times. At no other time in your life does someone so carefully help and encourage napping. He's going to regret skipping all of these naps one day.

Garrison at his first Georgia game.
He was a teeny bit more excited than pictured.

Looking forward to: It's almost October, my very favorite month of the year. We have a LOT to pack into this month. I have plans for a mini session of family photos, taking Garrison to a corn maze, getting his picture taken in front of a million pumpkins (because obviously), dressing him up in his ADORABLE Halloween costume, and celebrating our birthdays. It should be a really great month.

I continue to be simply amazed that this little love is mine forever and ever and ever. The pain and sadness are beginning to pale in the presence of such radiating happiness. He is the best thing about my day and I know that we are so fortunate to call this beautiful boy our son! Seven of the absolute best months!

Working Mom and Daycare

I've been back to work now for four months. Garrison has completed eighteen weeks at daycare. I think that's long enough to have valid thoughts and opinions on being a working mom with a baby in daycare, so I thought I'd share. This is in NO WAY an argument for staying home or going back to work. That's a personal decision for each mom to make and there are so many factors at play in every situation. Instead, I share this for those who might dread returning to work, but feel that they must.

For the last decade or more, I imagined myself as a stay at home mom. Which totally makes sense...I was going to knock out five kids before I was 29. I wasn't going to have time for work, let alone a career. Even in college, I consciously chose a degree that I felt would allow me to work from home. The reality is that we simply don't have the money for me to quit, especially if we want more children. I don't make a ton of money, but we're also not at that place where the cost of childcare outweighs my bring home salary either. Until we reach that place, or we pay off student loans, I'll likely be working. 

There are a lot of things that are really hard about being a working mom (not that there aren't hard things about staying at home), but surprisingly I've found some things to be really thankful for too. The negative aspects of working are difficult to come to terms with. Obviously I waited a really long time to be a mom. It sucks to leave him in someone else's care all day. It's especially hard when I think about the fact that the daycare teachers get 90% of his awake hours. Garrison sleeps until 7:30 in the morning. In the afternoon he comes home and promptly takes a forty-five minute nap from sheer exhaustion. The plan is that he'd stay up until 8:00 pm, but currently we're lucky if he makes it until 7:30 pm. It's just not a lot of time with him.

It reaaalllly sucks when I think about milestones. Miraculously, Garrison rolled over for the first time over the Fourth of July weekend, so Sam and I both got to witness it. I'm not sure if I'd call it lucky, but his first tooth started to come through over this past weekend. While it wasn't exactly fun, I'm glad I was the first too see his little tooth and I'm thankful I was there to comfort him. However, the odds are that some milestones will occur at daycare. When I think about him taking his first steps there rather than towards me, I just want to cry. Or if his teachers hear his first words??? Missing out on the days with him and knowing I'll probably miss a few "firsts" are definitely really hard parts about working.

In addition, it's hard to deal with the differences between daycare and home. While we did not start with any type of schedule at birth, by about 8 weeks, I started introducing a schedule. I truly believe this was the number one thing to help with all of the fussiness. Garrison does SO well on the schedule. He's easier to feed and get to sleep when he's on his schedule. But when there are seven other babies in the room, it's hard to expect them to stick to the schedule exactly. And while Garrison will nap decently at home in the most perfect napping conditions, there is just too much stimulation at daycare. Thirty minute naps have become the norm. It's SO frustrating because I know that he can nap longer, and I know that if he got good naps in the day, he'd be more likely to stay up a little longer at night. But I also know that he's not a good napper…the conditions have to be just right and a lit room with music and crying babies is not optimal for napping. All the sleep training books talk about various things to help your baby, but they all work on the assumption that you are able to let baby nap in his/her crib and control lights, sounds ect. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I am simply not in control at daycare. They have his schedule and do what they can to keep it, but some days are just going to suck under those conditions. That's really hard when I just want a happy (and awake) baby in the limited hours I have with him.

The hard parts of working probably aren't that surprising. I didn't expect the good parts though. For one thing, I really believe Garrison is hitting his milestones when he is because of daycare. If I was home with him, I would feel so much pressure to keep the house up, fold the clothes, do the dishes, etc. There would be stretches of time where I'd leave him to play by himself out of a sense of duty to my home and husband. While there are certainly times when he is playing by himself at daycare, those times feel more engaging. There are SO many things to look at and play with, and his teachers are constantly talking to the babies. It just feels very developmentally friendly to me.

The other positive that I see about daycare is social experiences. Garrison is constantly around other babies and other adults. As someone who was incredibly shy and hated any type of group experience as a kid, I'm hopeful that these early experiences during his formative years will help him learn to make friends. While I am PRO introverts (woo hoo, introverts unite...via text message, over a cup of coffee in the privacy of our own homes), I also really hope that he'll be comfortable in social situations whether he is introverted or extroverted, and I think a lot of that comfort just comes from socialization at a young age.

And lastly, immune system. Man, I would have SWORN that sending my formula-fed preemie into daycare was going to mean ongoing sickness. I was told to expect about one illness a month. I desperately clung to my days off from work, terrified that he'd constantly be sick. Within the first four days of starting daycare, Garrison got sick. Projectile vomiting. Explosive diarrhea. The whole deal. Sam and I could just see the writing on the wall. Believe it or not, that was the last time Garrison has been sick. May 7 was the last pediatric appointment for something other than his monthly checkups. We are shocked, but so, so thankful that his immune system is getting stronger. Once upon a time we had to do a three-minute scrub just to enter the same room as Garrison, and now he shares toys and equipment with seven other babies...I'm pretty sure they share a few germs too.

Lastly,  I am surprised to find that work to be a positive experience for me. My nature would be to stay home if I was a stay at home mom...as in all the time. It would be very unusual for me to venture out for more than errands. I wouldn't sign up for clubs or groups and set up play dates with other moms. I also wouldn't enroll my son in music class for toddlers of baby gymnastics as those things all cost money and I'd feel a strong desire to save every penny if I was staying at home. Knowing myself, it would be hard for me to be anything but a hermit if I stayed home with Garrison. And yet, I would crave some adult interaction. Working provides that for me...a reason to get dressed in something other than pajama pants and my husband's t-shirt, a reason to put on makeup and do my hair, an opportunity to get out of the house guilt free, and an opportunity to engage in conversation with someone who isn't six months old. Working is good for me. While I certainly miss my baby, I feel like I'm a healthier and happier mom for going back to work.

I truly enjoy my job, which I'm sure helps, but I'm honestly surprised that overall, I'm happy with out current arrangement. I do think that as the years go on, I will likely want to find some other arrangement. My mom quit her job after my seventh grade year and was available to pick me up from school or meet me at the bus stop for those years and it was SO important to me. It was a huge sacrifice on her part, but one that truly changed my life. I would really like to be able to take Garrison into school and pick him up each day once he starts school rather than enroll him in some form of after school program. Working part time seems like an ideal situation for me...all of the benefits and very few of the negative aspects of being a working mom. For now, we're comfortable and happy with our situation, but a girl can dream.