Radio Silence

Tomorrow, February 27, 2013, thousands of people across this planet are going dark. They are shutting down all forms of social media for the day in honor of the 27 MILLION men, women and children in bondage today. Modern day slavery exists. In fact, there are more people enslaved today than at any other time in history. In 161 countries, including our own, slavery still exists.

Passion Conferences has created a campaign called End It Movement with the purpose to shine a light on slavery. They want every man, woman and child to know that there are 27 million people, just like them who are forgotten, who are pushed out of mind, who are living in the shadows. You may have heard a little something about this on CNN as they reported the kick off of this campaign earlier this January.

So, I'm joining in. Tomorrow, February 27, I'm signing off from social media. No Facebook, no Twitter (I don't tweet), and no blogs. It's one very small thing that I can do to call attention to their plight. I can't change the world, but together we can be a force for good. Our collective voice is stronger. I'll see you all on the 28th.

Baby Mania

It appears to be round 3 of baby mania around here. Round 1 occurred about the time I was marrying Sam. That spring and summer there was a rash of baby announcements. All of those babies are turning 2. Then came the more recent explosion. About a year ago, Facebook lit up like a Christmas tree and we received call after call to hear somebody was pregnant. I survived round 2... the babies are born. I was hoping for a respite. A little down time in which the only pregnant people would be my infertile friends. I should have known.

Round 3 is officially underway. It appears that the entire world, or at least the world who didn't just have a baby sometime in November through February is now pregnant and due sometime between June and September. I know that I shouldn't let it get me down, but for a bunch of these ladies it's their second or third child. And for the rest, they got married like six months ago. Blah.

And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. As I have mentioned before, on Sunday's I have the privilege of hanging out with some pretty awesome toddlers. I swear to you, within the last couple of weeks, I've learned that nearly every one of them is becoming a big brother or sister. Huh? Didn't you like just push this one out? How are you pregnant again, already?

It would be so easy to sit here and begrudge all the mommies and daddies in my world who are becoming mommies and daddies times two, or three, or five. But really, I'm just jealous. They are all leading my life, or at least the life I thought I'd have. I remember, in my ignorance, I planned exactly how far apart all of my children would be spaced. I took my cues from 7th Heaven, to get the spacing right. It was about two years give or take from birth to birth. From my perspective now, a second or third baby when you still have one in diapers seems insane. Not insane like "why would you?", more like "how could you?". I mean, seriously, what are you people, rabbits? Do you have sex every day? Ten times a day? That's my initial attitude. But then when the green envy monster that lives in me cools down a tiny bit, I realize that this is simply life for most people. They have sex, they get pregnant.

For the last year or so, I've felt like I need to educate young women. To save them from themselves. To save them from their husband's, and culture's idea that waiting longer to start a family is a good idea. I want to save them all from the pain of finding out getting pregnant is going to take a while or cost a fortune. But seriously, who am I kidding? The odds are that they would all be pregnant in a matter of months. Heck, some of them will probably get pregnant with their pants on.

Going through infertility has made me totally appreciate the miracle of the ten million things that have to go exactly right to achieve a pregnancy. Understanding all of the places that it can go wrong has in some way made me feel like getting pregnant must be moderately hard for everyone. I know that's weird to say, and I don't think I'm even explaining myself well. I guess all of this is to say that round 3 of babies, as they are all little brothers and sisters, conceived on birth control, or conceived within six months of the wedding night, is reminding me of this: I'm really broken.

Conception is certainly a miracle. It's true that a bazillion things have to go right at the exact right time for a baby to be made. However, our God is a pretty good designer. Despite the infinite things that can go wrong, he made it so that it can go right without even trying for most people. It's not THEM who are abundantly fertile freaks of nature, it's ME, with the a chronically empty uterus, who is the anomaly.

Confession

"These are my confessions: Just when I thought I said all I could say,

My chick on the side said she got one on the way"

I know this is what played in your head… apparently,

 Usher has forever altered the connotations of that word.

Confession time: my prayer life stinks. At one point in this journey to make a baby, I was praying like crazy. It seemed as if every waking moment was a cry to God for something to work. At previous times in my life, I feel like I literally communed with God. When the Bible says pray continuously, I can honestly say I know what that means. My days were like ongoing conversations with my Father.

However, things aren't that great now. I don't feel like I consciously decided not to pray. There wasn't a turning point in which I said "this is dumb. Why am I wasting my time?" It has sort of just evolved. 

I still fully believe in the power of prayer. But the thing is, I believe in the power of other people's prayer, not really my own. So I'm like, "you should pray about it" to others, but when it's my own thing, ehhhh. Hypocrite, I know.

The problem is that when I start to pray, a wrestling match/debate starts in my mind. I pray, "God, you know the desires of my heart…", but then thoughts like, "He knows, but does He care?" and "the scriptures say that He will give me the desires of my heart [if/when/once] I delight myself in Him." I know that God cares about me and loves me like a daughter; however, I also believe that He is God, and therefore, His ultimate plan is to bring glory to Himself. If my little (feel huge) problems don't fit in with His story, if they don't bring Him glory, then why am I praying about them?

It's a mess up in my head I tell you, a mess. Infertility has made me question my faith like nothing else ever has. And I don't mean that as if I'm suddenly wondering "is there a God?". My faith in God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit has not shifted, but I'm finding myself asking a lot more questions of who, how, and why?

The niggling doubts and questions that infertility has woven into my prayer life has then affected my prayers about everything. I should be praying for a job. Things are starting to get pretty desperate around here. It's a minimum of three months before Sam will have a job. We need money. I need to get out of the house. So again, I should be praying for a job, and trusting that God will provide, but I'm not. I try to, but then those prayers get interrupted with, "if He doesn't answer prayers for BABIES, He's not going to trouble Himself with jobs." 

I absolutely hate this about myself. I want to be someone who ardently believes in the power of prayer. Prayer is a biblical command, so I want to get it right. It seems easiest now to blame infertility. To say if I hadn't been dealt this hand of cards, I'd be better, have more faith, pray more. However, the scriptures are full of stories in which the characters were tested and yet they came out the other side with more faith, with more trust in God. 

I want to get there. To the other side, and I want to be there with my faith fully intact and prayers powerful enough to make powers and principalities tremble.

Adrift at Sea

I'm adrift at sea... Four years ago when I was in college, I had such big dreams. I don't mean President of the United States big, not even med school big, but they were big enough for me. I was working at an awesome job as I was completing my final semesters and I started to see what my life could look like. I started to understand the ways in which I could leverage my education, skills, and experience for the Lord. Soon after graduation, my dreams started to come true and I felt like I was shooting straight to the top. I felt like God had a distinct plan for my life and that I was needed.

Shortly after graduation, my dreams started to disintegrate. I felt so confused, "didn't you need me, God?" However. I told myself that I had big things ahead and important life changes to concentrate on. It was time to get married and focus on Sam. It was Sam's time to pursue his dreams.

Initially, I told myself that my dreams for my career were just on hold. I believed it would all work out soon. And honestly, I told myself that even if those doors closed for me forever, even if I never got another chance to do what I love to do, and do it for the kingdom, I would be okay. I felt like my greatest calling was to be a mom. That superseded everything else. I thought that very quickly I would be a mom and find huge fulfillment in that.

But now I'm neither. I'm not a mom, and I probably won't be any time in the near future. But I also don't have a career that I can call meaningful. I feel as if all of dreams are dissolving before my eyes. My life looks NOTHING like I planned. Nothing like I thought it would. At every turn along this road, I thought it was just a small detour. I thought in 6 months or a year, maybe two or three years the path I was on would meet back up with the path I was destined to be on.

Instead, I think my path looks more like a series of forks. I initially went left when my life should have gone right, and it's been left after left ever since. I don't know if I should try to cut a path back to the original plan or just blaze a new trail.

My biggest frustration in all of this is that I completely lack a sense of purpose. I know that sometimes in life, the purpose is simply to pay the bills. Sometimes in life, it's about getting from point A to point B. Sometimes, it's apparently about saving up for IVF. But is it not possible to do all of those things and have a sense of purpose? A feeling of fulfillment?

Years ago, I really thought that I was going to be doing what I love through ministry opportunities. I thought God specifically wanted me. Now, I feel like I've been cut loose. I have no rudder, no sail, and I can't find a current. I'm just floating out here hoping for some direction.

I know that God does have a plan, both for His ultimate glory and for my life. But right now, I have no idea what my direction is supposed to be. I need for there to be a purpose for my days. He has a plan, but I don't have the map. Where do I go next?

Love is...

Now that "love day" is over which apparently has become synonymous with posting photos of your rich spoils on Facebook, and my new personal favorite, announcing your pregnancy, we can discuss actual love. Sorry, I'm still on my rant from yesterday, but really, Facebook was INTENSE. I can only imagine what it would have been like to be a single lady yesterday.

Anyway, off topic. My devotional early this week kind of stuck it to me good. Serious conviction time. So I thought I'd share. We will start with this:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Everyone has heard that scripture. It was probably read at more than half the weddings you've attended. Those verses never really meant too much to me, I guess from their abundant use, until I heard Andy Stanley's series "Falling Staying in Love". This is an INCREDIBLE series, and in it, Andy explains how to stay in love. We all know how to fall in love, that part is easy. But in our culture, staying in love is really, really hard. And I'll admit, coming from a broken family, with more broken families all around me, and marrying a man who also came from a broken family, I was having some doubts about my ability to love him three, five, ten, twenty years in. Four years ago, when I heard this message, it just hit me: God commands us to love one another. It's not a noun, it's a verb. So falling out of love isn't the problem… it's not a thing. You can't fall out of an action.

But apparently, I need reminders, because despite understanding the verse, I still fail at carrying it out A LOT.

So this is how my devotional breaks it all down:

Love endures long. It has the ability to put up with stuff for a long time. Fail. I so often have a short fuse. One little thing goes wrong and my mood swings like a pendulum.
Love is never envious, it doesn't want what it doesn't have. Fail. I'm currently so envious of Sam. He knows what he wants out of life, and his dreams are about to come true.
Love is never boastful or vainglorious, it doesn't call attention to itself. Fail. My pride so often gets in the way of loving my husband.
Love is never conceited or rude. Fail. I'm rude to him all the time. Not intentionally, but little things don't show him respect.
Love doesn't insist on its own way. Love pays no attention to a suffered wrong. Fail. Isn't that what arguing is all about, "I want my way"? I know that for me, laying down my will and forgetting the moment I feel slighted or mistreated is so hard.
Love never gives up!

Man oh man, do I fall short of loving Sam well. I've been so richly blessed to have a man like Sam in my life. But I fail so often at showing my gratitude and communicating love and respect to him. I'm so thankful that Sam doesn't give up on me!

How about you? Are you actively living out love? Are you doing love? If you're married, how are you doing at loving your spouse? If you're not married, who has the Lord placed in your life and asked you to love? Are you loving well?

Happy Hallmark Day

So maybe I'm a teeny, tiny bit cynical about Valentine's day. Maybe.

We don't really celebrate Valentine's day around the Greavu household. It's predominantly my fault. Super, duper early on in our relationship I explained my strange relationship with this holiday. I told Sam that under no circumstances was he to EVER to propose on Valentine's day, as it would be the most UN-romantinc thing I could imagine.

Plus, we have bad luck on Valentine's day when we try. Our first V-day together, Sam was going out of town to play basketball (I don't remember which city, but lets just say it was GA vs Ole Miss). We were SUPER early in our dating relationship so he was still trying really hard. After class that morning, he had minutes with which to work before catching the bus to Atlanta for their flight. He went to buy me a plethora of cupid and heart themed items and was rushing back to break into my apartment, when he was caught speeding. It was something awful like 54 in a 25. I felt HORRIBLE. He of course used it to show just how much he loved me. I just thought it was a super expensive day for a balloon, a bear, and some candy by the time you added in the cost of the ticket. Sad.

My issue with V-day is basically this: I want my love to buy me flowers and chocolates, write me sweet notes and send me love letters, and shower me with gifts because he WANTS to, not because a day shows up on the calendar and he feels guilty if he doesn't. I'd rather be the ONLY girl at work to receive a bouquet of flowers on a random Tuesday in July, than one of many girls who receives a bouquet on February 14th.

So ultimately, this means that we don't do much on Valentine's day. Which, I'm honestly okay with. The only thing that we've done the last few years, well I guess longer than a few now, this is our 8th V-day after all, is buy some steaks to cook at home. It's nice. We don't splurge on good steaks very often. We also cheat the system and order a Bloomin' Onion from Outback to go. I know a healthy vegetable (errr, root?) turned into a heart attack… but gosh, golly they are so yummy.

I'm kind of bummed to say that this year we will be breaking tradition. Staying with my mom (yes, we're still here) kind of changes things, but it's so not a big deal. I'd much rather stay in and eat chicken than go out and wait for 2 hours for a tiny table in the middle of a PACKED restaurant just because we feel like we don't love each other enough if we don't mark this day.

However, if you looooovvvvvveeeeee Valentine's day and this day means the world to you, I hope you get everything that communicates love to you. I hope your special person showers you with love and affection. I hope that every day, but particularly today, that you feel loved.

Logistics

This is a super lame, boring post. If this is the future of Genuine Greavu, we're doomed. However, it took me for-ev-er to discover how to handle the following problems, and I thought, well, I should share. Sharing is good, right?

Okay, so all of you blogspot bloggers out there, this is for you: Many of you probably already have this set up, but for those who don't you may be interested to know that you can respond to comments via email. Let's say you have an awesome post that drums up lots of interest. The comments start pouring in. You'd like to respond to some (or all) of them, but you don't want to do so on the blog. Well, there is a way to respond to that individual commenter privately through email.

Let me show you what this looks like:

Okay, so my friend Allison already has this all figured out, so we will use her as an example. Allison commented on one of my posts.

Comment from Allison on the blog.

Now obviously, I can view Allison's comment on the blog. And it shows up when I log into blogger too. But I also receive all of the comments posted on the blog directly to my email. So that's step one. You do this by setting up your "Comment Notification" settings.

So all the comments on my blog are sent directly to my email. Here is where the best part comes in. I can respond directly to Allison through email. It's private and it doesn't junk up the blog feed. I don't know about you, but I NEVER click "Notify me of Further Comments". Some people receive a GAZILLION comments. I don't want to be notified every time. And I never, ever go back to see if someone responded to my comment. This prevents these problems entirely. Here's how it works:

Gmail response to Allison's comment on the blog.

Now Allison and I can go back and forth and neither of us ever have to return to the blog. But here's the thing, this only works for certain people. Why? Because unless you manually change your settings, your default email address is noreply-comment@blogger.com. See?

Okay, so how do you set all of this up? Like I said it took me forever to figure it out. Someone spent time writing about it, and I figure, "why reinvent the wheel," right? So here's a link to a great step by step tutorial of how to set this up. I know some people like anonymity on the blog, but it allows you to enter any email address. You can make one up entirely for your blog and remain anonymous.

Everybody with wordpress, you're on your own. I'm sure there is a way, but I don't know what it is. Sorry.

On a completely separate note, let's discuss what "following" does and does not do. Following means you love me. So all of you lurkers out there and real life friends go on and click that little button to the right. Show me some love. I'm not asking for a Tiffany's ring or anything, just a little commitment. I know, I know, shameless self promotion is so tacky. If you have a google account, it will allow you to stay up-to-date with the blog (and any others you may stalk) through Google Reader. I currently try to remember to post a link to the blog on Facebook with each new post, but let me tell you, this may not continue forever. If another outbreak of baby announcements occurs in which 10 zillion friends all announce pregnancies within two weeks, the Facebook account will probably get deactivated. Sorry. And I know you would be sooooooo sad to miss out on these exciting updates from the Greavu household. So do yourself a favor and follow me already!!! Following the blog will not fill your email up with spam or hack into your personal accounts. It's safe, I promise. You can also get updates via the "email option", but that doesn't show the love in quite the same way. Boo.

So, now that you're fully updated on your many blogger questions, I'm off to find something to do with myself. It looks like we have a long weekend ahead of us--full of resume building and cover letter writing for Sam! Big boy is starting to APPLY FOR JOBS!!!! Show me the money!!!!