Clomid Update

Well, its day 17 of my current cycle, and no good news so far. My doctor has instructed that if I don't get a positive OPK (ovulation prediction kit) by tomorrow, to call him. I'm not sure if that means more blood work, ultrasounds, etc, or if he simply wants an update. It's hard not to be a bit upset that the clomid hasn't worked so far. I really had such high hopes that this would work for me. My doctor seemed so optimistic, but now I can't help but start to wonder if I might be clomid resistant.

When I first started I was so confident that it was working. I didn't have any horrible symptoms, but I could certainly tell that it was doing something. The first few days I was incredible moody; feeling the need to cry randomly, and getting angry over really small things. Even more noticeable have been the pains in my lower abdomen. It started out as a mild discomfort and grew into sharp pains when I would move or bend on both sides. After about a week of that it has become less severe and only really hurts on my left side. To me it seems like the pain should have grown until ovulation and then receded or gone away completely, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Clomid resistance is ultimately not responding to the medication with ovulation. My research sums it up like this, "Sometimes ultrasound will show the follicles growing is response to clomid, but the midcyle LH surge isn't strong enough to bring on ovulation. In this case, your doctor may prescribe clomid along with an injection of hcg to trigger ovulation and boost the mid cycle LH surge." 1 After that it appears the next step is to move on from clomid to other medications, which aren't as widely used and have higher risks involved. And after that, it appears the next step would be IUI (intrauterine insemination). This is probably the last step that Sam and I can afford at this point as it can cost up to $5000 (It can be much less, so lets hope it is if we need it!)

Here's to hoping that tomorrow is the day and all this worrying is for nothing!

Infertility = Marital Strain

I think everyone who goes through infertility struggles would say that it adds stain on their marriage. And honestly, I haven't handled the situation all that well in regards to my dear husband. I think my intensity and fervor have begun to make my husband feel isolated. This is totally not what I intended to do, obviously. However, I think it is probably pretty normal for the struggles with fertility to affect the woman more, especially miscarriage. I don't think men grasp and wrap their minds around pregnancy as fast as most women. I think it was mostly hard for Sam to see me in so much pain and feel helpless. And I guess I can understand where he's coming from. Ultimately, Sam wants kids, sure, but now, I think he mostly wants kids because I do. To him, 30-35, that is perfectly reasonable and rational age to have kids. To him we've got all the time in the world, and I need to "chill out".

But chilling out is not really an option for me. My type A personality plus my need to worry excessively, prevent any form of "chill". I don't feel that relaxing and just "letting it happen" is an option for me, as pregnancy isn't coming very easy for us. I'm having to work and think about the process every day. It starts in the morning with the alarm. To me this doesn't signal "wake up", it signals "take your temperature", 7 days a week. Then the rest of my day, somehow (maybe boredom at work) leads me to think about, plan for, and worry about getting pregnant, pregnancy, and a new baby. I have to check my CF at least 3 times a day, and then, chart, chart, chart, all my symptoms and fertility signs everyday. Then its time to take my OPK test. Then it's time to take the clomid and prenatal vitamins and go to bed praying that this cycle, my miracle is coming. I think it's kind of understandable with all of that going on, that my focus has been leaning towards pregnancy. Especially because no one knows that we are trying to conceive other than Sam and my mom. I can only talk to two people in the whole world about the one thing that consumes 50+% of my thoughts on a daily basis.

That's my vindication for the way I've behaved and my attitude for the last several months; however, proving my feelings are valid isn't the point. The purpose of my marriage is to show Christlike love and compassion to my husband everyday, even when he seems unloveable. So how do I fix this? Obviously I need to chill out with the baby talk. I need to limit discussion of my feelings, symptoms, and dreams it terms of babies, and find something else to talk about again. There will be plenty of time to choose names, pick cribs and bedding, and decide on paint colors once we are pregnant (it takes nine months after all). Secondly, I need to work a bit harder at speaking my husband's love language: words of affirmation. The power of the tongue is important in all marriages, but I have to remember that it is particularly powerful in mine. I speak love to Sam by words of encouragement, and admiration. My words have been telling Sam that my top priority is getting pregnant, not him or our marriage.

My husband is an amazing, AMAZING man. On a daily basis, he is SO good to me! Let me take a moment to brag: Sam regularly checks in on me throughout the day to see how my day at work is going, he cooks dinner for me every night, and nine times out of ten, he does the dishes too (lucky me). He constantly and consistently tells me that he loves me. And he really cares about my feelings. If I'm down, or feeling blah, he attempts to comfort me, or make me laugh. My sweet husband puts up with a lot; I'm not an easy person to live with. These last six months have made that even more apparent. The Lord has blessed me richly by giving me Sam. He is a far better husband to me, than I am a wife to him. I don't deserve his care, compassion, or patience, but I am thankful for it.

I'm praying that I will find ways in the coming months to allow this journey to bring us closer together. I believe that the Lord wants that for us. Maybe it is even a part of the reason for my struggles. I'm praying that the Lord will teach me new and better ways to show love to my husband. And that our communication and unity will grow under the shepherding of the Lord.

Fertility drugs?!?

It's official, I'm starting fertility drugs today. This starts my 10th cycle since coming off all forms of contraceptives. I had my day 3 blood work on Monday, and after talking to the doctor today, I now know that there is nothing seriously wrong... no medical reason that I shouldn't be able to get pregnant if my ovulation could be regulated. Enter the star of the show: clomid. At first, I really felt awful about needing fertility treatments. I mean seriously, who needs fertility treatments in their mid-twenties? However, now that I have a plan of action, and my doctor has encouraged me to be optimistic about this treatment, I can't help but be EXCITED!!!! Who cares if I need fertility treatments, I don't think my son or daughter will ever be ashamed that I didn't conceive naturally. He/she will just know how much I wanted a child!

Concerns: Well, there's the fear of twins for sure. I certainly wouldn't mind AT ALL to have a healthy set of twins, but my sweet husband is terrified of multiples, and I think a first child will be overwhelming enough for him without any extra stress/fear/worry. Twins scare me only for the reason that it's a more risky pregnancy, and after one miscarriage, I cannot imagine the pain of losing another one (or two)! Basically, studies have said that the average person has about a 1-3% chance of twins. I assume I'm about a 3% girl myself as my dad is a twin and his mom was a twin too! Clomid increases your chance of multiples to about 8%, so there is a chance, but not that great. Multiples or not, I'm just praying for favor, that this treatment will work for us.

I'm also worried about the side effects of the medication. There's a fairly short list of side effects: blurred vision, abdominal pain, vaginal bleeding, nausea, headaches. The scary one: a 10% chance of ovarian cysts. The cysts can be extremely painful, require surgery, and require obstaining from trying to conceive for several cycles until cysts disappear (nightmare!).

Ultimately, I'm trying not to stress (any more than normal), and to be optimistic. One way or another, I will know if clomid works for me in about 6 cycles. Praying that is does and this marks the start of our family!

Stressin'

How do you de-stress when everything about TTC (trying to conceive) is stressful. Charting is supposed to make you feel in control, empowered... it makes me feel helpless, like I'm a freak. I know now what is supposed to happen... My CF should move from dry to wet as I approach ovulation, my LH (luteinizing hormone) should surge 12-36 hours before ovulation, the day after ovulation my temperature should spike, my CF should quickly dry up, and my temp should stay elevated above my cover line until dropping right before starting my period, or better yet, not drop for 18 days indicating pregnancy. In essence a chart should look like this:

But what about when your chart looks like mountain peaks and the software tells you your chart has conflicting data?What happens when your chart looks like this:

Stress can supposedly delay ovulation, dry up your CF, and sometimes even make you annovulatory (not ovulating)... S0 my goal is to chart my stats about five times a day, meticulously plan intercourse, and yet not stress as I speedily inch closer to thirty everyday... yea right!

Weary of Worry

It's biblical not to worry. God demands faith in him for our needs and desires. So let me confess: this is my greatest sin right now. I am in a constant state of worry. My BBT, and CF, and OPK tests don't match up... I worry. I eat heavy Italian food, no, correction, I gorge myself on fattening garlic butter roles, pan-fried chicken covered in tomato sauce and cheese, probably consuming a weeks worth of calories in one sitting... I worry. I drink a diet coke... I worry. I'm in a continuous cycle of second guessing every decision in regards to conceiving. It's one worry after another, after another.

I'm so completely jealous of my friends who, by some happy miracle, just discover that they are pregnant. Here I am eating healthier that I have in my entire life, rarely consuming even 100mg of caffeine, taking prenatal vitamins, never consuming alcohol, and I'm not even pregnant.

Today I heard a friend discussing how she had a glass of wine before she even knew she was pregnant. Instead of thinking, that could happen to anybody, I immediately think you shouldn't be consuming alcohol if you are having unprotected sex. I know, it's her body, her baby, and the odds are that everything will be fine. But oh, it is so hard to see people nonchalantly shrug off alcohol consumption while pregnant or drinking coffee everyday without any cares or worries. Especially when I'm worried sick about EVERYTHING!

Patience is a Virtue

They say patience is a virtue; it's one that I don't have. I'm trying so very hard to trust in the Lord and believe that his timing and plan is far more perfect than mine. But lets be honest, we say things like that often thinking that at some point God's plan and our plan will match up, it's all about the timing. But what terrifies me: what if God's plan is that I am barren and no amount of modern medicine can help me to conceive?

If I had some kind of a promise... a promise that some day, some way, I'd deliver a child of my very own, I think I could have more patience. So maybe, it's not just patience that I need, but FAITH!!!

2012 Reading List

So where have we been and what have we been doing that has kept us so obviously missing from the blog world? Nothing... that's the problem. Life has been one endless series of days that involve crawling out of bed, going to work, sitting watching the clock, coming home to eat dinner, and going to bed. That's me at least. Sam, on the other hand, has done all kinds of fun things, like a week long trip to Haiti and a camping trip with his classmates, but I can't convince him to blog.

So how do I track that these next several months (7 to be exact) are in fact moving forward? Checking off my reading list!

I'll start with what I've accomplished so far this year:

Millenium Trilogy by Stieg Larson

My mom said I had to read them, as she wants to see the movie. I was hesitant at first, but pleasantly surprised! Excellent series! The first one, The Girl with the Dragon tattoo, was definitely my favorite, but the series as a whole is a must!

Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

This is a series I've been wanting to read for a while, but I've been trying to read only free books for a while now. Thanks to some Christmas gift cards, voila! They are fast reads, and kind of short, which was a little disappointing. I read each in a day, so it was over way too fast, but these are EXCELLENT! I don't think I'd let my ten year old read them (personal preference), but teenagers and adults will love them! I'm super excited about the movie! I just hope the girl who plays Katniss is AWESOME! Don't let me down!

Okay, now onto the books that I want to read this year:

For Fun:

Hurt by Travis Thrasher

Temptation by Travis Thrasher

Brisingr by Christopher Paolini

Inheritance by Christopher Paolini

My Blood Approves series by Amanda Hocking

A Dance with Dragons by George R R Martin

And no cover image yet, but I'm hopeful:

A Memory of Light by Brandon Sanderson & Robert Jordan

For Faith:

Rocking the Roles by Robert Lewis & William Hendricks

Choosing to Cheat by Andy Stanley

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Crazy Love by: Francis Chan

Love & Respect by : Emerson Eggerichs

I'll probably read quite a number more than just these, but I'm looking forward to each!