Patience is a Virtue

They say patience is a virtue; it's one that I don't have. I'm trying so very hard to trust in the Lord and believe that his timing and plan is far more perfect than mine. But lets be honest, we say things like that often thinking that at some point God's plan and our plan will match up, it's all about the timing. But what terrifies me: what if God's plan is that I am barren and no amount of modern medicine can help me to conceive?

If I had some kind of a promise... a promise that some day, some way, I'd deliver a child of my very own, I think I could have more patience. So maybe, it's not just patience that I need, but FAITH!!!

2012 Reading List

So where have we been and what have we been doing that has kept us so obviously missing from the blog world? Nothing... that's the problem. Life has been one endless series of days that involve crawling out of bed, going to work, sitting watching the clock, coming home to eat dinner, and going to bed. That's me at least. Sam, on the other hand, has done all kinds of fun things, like a week long trip to Haiti and a camping trip with his classmates, but I can't convince him to blog.

So how do I track that these next several months (7 to be exact) are in fact moving forward? Checking off my reading list!

I'll start with what I've accomplished so far this year:

Millenium Trilogy by Stieg Larson

My mom said I had to read them, as she wants to see the movie. I was hesitant at first, but pleasantly surprised! Excellent series! The first one, The Girl with the Dragon tattoo, was definitely my favorite, but the series as a whole is a must!

Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

This is a series I've been wanting to read for a while, but I've been trying to read only free books for a while now. Thanks to some Christmas gift cards, voila! They are fast reads, and kind of short, which was a little disappointing. I read each in a day, so it was over way too fast, but these are EXCELLENT! I don't think I'd let my ten year old read them (personal preference), but teenagers and adults will love them! I'm super excited about the movie! I just hope the girl who plays Katniss is AWESOME! Don't let me down!

Okay, now onto the books that I want to read this year:

For Fun:

Hurt by Travis Thrasher

Temptation by Travis Thrasher

Brisingr by Christopher Paolini

Inheritance by Christopher Paolini

My Blood Approves series by Amanda Hocking

A Dance with Dragons by George R R Martin

And no cover image yet, but I'm hopeful:

A Memory of Light by Brandon Sanderson & Robert Jordan

For Faith:

Rocking the Roles by Robert Lewis & William Hendricks

Choosing to Cheat by Andy Stanley

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Crazy Love by: Francis Chan

Love & Respect by : Emerson Eggerichs

I'll probably read quite a number more than just these, but I'm looking forward to each!

All Alone

They say as many as one in every three pregnancies ends in miscarriage. It certainly doesn't feel that way. I know of one (count them ONE) other person who has had a miscarriage in their 20's. Instead it feels as if everyday another friend from high school or college announces a pregnancy. My cousin Autumn is pregnant, my brother is expecting a baby girl in March. Had I carried my pregnancy to term we would have all been right in a row: Shane in March, Autumn in April, and me in May. But no, it was not to be.

It seems as if everyday that I log onto Facebook someone's wall post declares "My Baby's Progress". I feel as if everyday I have to learn (don't really have to, but I must love pain) about someone's baby drinking his own pee, or growing eyelashes. I literally just want to scream. Let me clarify, in no way do I wish any of these ladies ill. I regularly pray that they have healthy, happy pregnancies. But I can't help but question, why not me?

I'm truly happy for my friends who are becoming mommies and daddies for the first time (second timers are a little hard to swallow : ) ) I'm truly happy for my friends and family, but jealousy is a powerful emotion... one that I can't currently control.

Tears and Torn Hearts

I've decided to blog about my troubles with conception. I'm hoping that I'll release all of the blogs once I'm pregnant and feel fairly certain that everything is progressing well. I wanted to blog about this, not only for myself, but for others who may also be silently dealing with the heartache as they try to conceive.

Infertility and miscarriage is so hush-hush in our society, especially among twenty somethings. You might expect someone in their late 30s or 40s to discuss trouble conceiving and fertility treatments, but no one believes it would be a problem in your 20s. Miscarriage is so private, so personal. No one announces a miscarriage on Facebook as their status. But I can't believe that I am the only one who has or who will experience the heartbreak of miscarriage. So this is my story:

I've wanted a baby (girl) since I was about ten years old. I don't really remember wanting a sister; I wanted her to be mine. I had always thought (and planned) I'd marry young and start a family, probably by the time I was twenty-two. Well, twenty-two came, I was still in college with no ring on my finger. I told myself that twenty-five was not too old to start a family; I could still fit five kids in before it was too late (or dangerous). Twenty-three comes and we finally get engaged. Twenty-four, and we are finally (finally) married. But marriage begins just a few short weeks before three full years of PT school. Sam is ardent that he does not want a baby while in school. At first I'm appeased; my heart is full just to be married. I finally have the man I love beside me as my husband. So I happily say okay, we will shelve the discussion on babies. I want at least a year without children for just the two of us anyway.

But the baby bug bites before the year is up. And it's like I can literally hear my biological clock ticking. As a meticulous planner I spend several months going back and forth planning when the perfect time would be to get pregnant. In the back of my mind, I've always been concerned I will struggle to get pregnant. My mom only had two children, she lost one herself. And I've never had a twenty-eight day cycle in my life! But I continued on, blindly optimistic that I can plan this as if I simply push a magic baby button and WHAM: baby TBD (to be delivered) nine months from then.

I convince Sam that the second year of school is a good time to start trying, as I sweetly tell him I'm sure it'll take a while, but secretly I am thinking if it takes a while I will freak out! May comes (the start of year two) and I tell myself that I'm not trying, I'm just not trying not to. When my cycle ends and I'm not pregnant, something clicks and I realize how desperate I am. I immediately jump in to crazy mode and start researching. I discover I should be tracking my basal body temperature (BBT). I go out and buy a thermometer. Sam tells me not to go crazy; I assure him I won't.

June, cycle one of tracking my BBT: no luck. June turns to July, which turns to August. August fades into September. My optimism has faded. I plan my annual exam with a new OB/GYN for October, and plan to discuss possible fertility problems. But suddenly I don't feel quite right. Could it be? I tell myself no, there's no way, and I'm not buying another box of these ridiculously expensive sticks to pee on. I'm late, but what's new? Each day of September I'm gaining more symptoms. I'm exhausted, not tired, but EXHAUSTED! I couldn't care less about food. I'm not vomiting, but I'm strangely nauseous all day. By Wednesday the 7th, I KNOW that I'm pregnant. I don't have all of the symptoms listed as early signs, but I've never felt like this before... I have to be pregnant.

I don't want to alarm anyone, and if it turns out I'm not pregnant, I don't want another item that everyone can add to the list of reasons I'm a hypochondriac. But I can't take it any longer. I go buy another box of tests. There is nothing like waiting for that stupid stick to change colors. But, no, not again. There's one dark line and a faint second line, almost invisible. So no, I'm not pregnant, right?

WRONG

What I didn't know at the time is that the depth of color in the line doesn't have to match the control like. And tests can vary. If you have a line, any line at all, develop within the time frame, it's a positive.

Thursday I have a dentist appointment before work. My stomach is gurgling so loud and I am so embarrassed, but I'm not hungry in the least. I stop to get a coffee before going to work as the fall Pumpkin Spice latte has just returned (yippee!) I continue to feel ultra pregnant, in fact, I'm miserable, but I tell myself that obviously I've wanted to get pregnant so badly that I've deluded myself into feeling this way. Friday comes, it is day thirty-nine. I'm still miserable, so I go out and buy an even more expensive test: the digital. You are supposed to wait until the morning to test, but once I have the box in my hand I can't stand it. But to my great surprise PREGNANT gleams back at me. I'm shocked, frantic, screaming, jumping, more screaming. I tell Sam, and in his quiet way, he's excited. I don't think the stick means too much to him. I doubt he will really grasp the PREGNANT memo until he sees a sonogram. But I am over the moon. I cannot wait until Monday to schedule an appointment with the OB.

For one glorious night I was going to be a momma. I was already planning how to tell our parents, planning maternity leave, etc. I went to bed with a happy heart. When I woke up, I just wanted to see the PREGNANT again. I used another digital test and got a "not pregnant". I immediately tested again... I used every pregnancy test I had in the house. They were all undeniably negative. I can't even describe what went through my mind. My heart broke and I immediately thought "how do I tell Sam?" I remember walking out of the bathroom and handing the test to Sam. I was so numb. I couldn't even process. Sam told me not to stress, but to call the doctor on Monday. This turned into the longest, most miserable weekend. I simply had to wait until Monday... but waiting can be deadly when you are alone with just your mind to ask 100 questions and second guess everything.

Monday morning I called the doctor and spoke with a nurse, Rhonda. She said not too worry, I needed a blood test to confirm one way or the other. I took an early lunch and went to the lab. The results were not available by the end of the day, so more waiting. Tuesday morning I went to work, but almost immediately received a phone call from Rhonda. She informed me that I was pregnant, but that I was either so incredibly early that I conceived last week, or I was in jeopardy of miscarrying. She suggested I go straight home to strict bed rest until the doctor calls.

I immediately burst into tears and went to notify my manager. She told me to go on home. I thought I was going to keep everything a secret from my mom until I could give her the good news, but Sam was in class and I needed someone to talk to. I called my mom, who was in Yellowstone Park, and told her everything. She comforted me and told me how sorry she was that she was across the country when I needed her. I told her to enjoy her vacation and that I'd keep her up-to-date.

I spent the rest of the day in bed questioning the coffee I drank and all the jumping I did (I was excited!). Dr Burns, the OBGYN, called me later that day. He told me that after hearing that I had a positive pregnant test Friday, he was pretty certain I would miscarry. The average pregnancy test will show a positive once levels of HCG reach 25mIU/ml. My blood test showed levels at 2mIU/ml. I'm not sure why the nurse even said that was a positive pregnancy test as everyone seems to indicate a level of at least 5mIU/ml indicates pregnancy. The doctor told me to contact him if I had any concerns, but that nature would probably runs it course and this would resolve naturally. He scheduled an appointment for Thursday and told me to take it easy and stay home until then. I cried, and prayed, and cried, and slept, and cried, and lay staring at the ceiling. About a half hour after my conversation with him, the bleeding started, and I knew this was real.

Thursday I went in and met Dr Burns. He said my blood levels had returned to normal and the ultrasound looked good. The miscarriage process was almost over. He told me not to worry and not to beat myself up. Lots of people have miscarriages, and at six weeks, it was probably due to chromosomal problems and nothing I did. He also cautioned me to stop trying for two cycles to allow my body time to get back in rhythm. And that was it. In the blink of an eye, my baby was gone, my joy was stolen, my future changed. And that is how my journey of trying to conceive began.

I'm currently in the midst of cycle two of abstaining from trying to conceive. It's so hard! I cannot help but want to try. But I'm terrified of losing another one. The pain has slowly started to ease. The fog I lived in for weeks has cleared. I still burst into tears if I talk about her (I hated referring to my baby as an "it". I decided she was a girl. If I get to heaven and find out I'm wrong, I'll apologize to him) But ultimately I'm trusting that the Lord knew what he was doing when he took my baby away. And I'm looking forward to the end of this cycle when we can try again.

Bluegrass Lovin' at Summers End

Where have we been you may ask. Certainly missing from the blog world. Sam and I enjoyed a peaceful summer as Sam spent eight weeks in clinical here in Augusta. It was wonderful to have weekends free of homework and evenings of no studying and stress. But all good things must come to an end (thankfully a temporary end), and Sam had to head back to class for his FINAL year of school!

Before going back to school, we decided I would take a week off of work to enjoy one another and get some rest. We decided to head to the family farm in Kentucky! We had a WONDERFUL time and were blessed with some gorgeous weather.

Our journey began after dropping Everest off with my mom and taking Sterling on a six mile walk to wear him out before the long car ride. Everything started off well, until we hit Tennessee. Sam and I have some bad history with car problems in Tennessee as we were stranded there for hours one Sunday years ago. I had just dropped off to sleep and Sterling was quietly slumbering in the back when Sam woke me up to say I needed the car manual as my check engine light had come on. This kind of thing only happens to us on a Sunday when everything is closed in the dreaded state home to Volunteers and Commodores. After waisting an hour checking everything we could think of and calling plenty of people who know nothing about cars, we decided the warning light would just have to stay on. We set off again, and wouldn't you know, the light went off as we crossed the Kentucky border!

We pulled into the farm about 11pm and after a 7 plus hour trip in the car, we were all exhausted and ready for bed. The next morning we pulled the shades, and Sterling went berserk! Ten feet from the house were two horses. He was very distraught that such large unknown animals had snuck up on us in the middle of the night. So we decided to take him out to meet Uncle Bill's two horses, Marvin and Dakota. Surprisingly, Sterling loved them, and by the end of the week, Sterling and Marvin had become best friends.

We set out sans Sterling to go canoeing on the Kentucky river. It was a beautiful day, and we had an excellent time.

We spent the majority of our time on the farm relaxing. But we also rode a four-wheeler around the farm and spent one afternoon riding Dakota. Poor thing, Dakota is only about 14 hands, and Sam was a lot of rider for the little horse, but he was a good sport.

We also met up with a couple we met on our cruise back in April. Sadly, there are no pictures of our time together in Kentucky, but we thoroughly enjoyed some foot long breadsticks and good conversation with Chris and Sara Waynick one evening.

It was back to Augusta after a few short days, but I'll leave you with some more of our favorite memories from the Bluegrass state.

Hamilton Family Homestead

(Sam's mom's childhood home)

Tree swing in the front yard

Old Bull Pen now for Marvin and Dakota

Old Barn

Sterling meets cows

Friends!

View of the farm from Uncle Bill and Aunt Carole's Home

Sterling giving Marvin kisses

Happy Puppy!

Cruising the Caribbean

Well, we made it home from Miami with tons of adventures behind us. As we are a family with only one computer these days, and the husband needs it constantly for projects, studying, and research, it's been tough to get a blog together about are week cruising the Caribbean, but we are home safe and sound and happy to have had a week to relax and love on one another as we celebrated our first anniversary!

We started off friday by heading back to Gainesville where my amazing momma agreed to watch Sterling and Boo Boo, which as Sterling broke into her pantry over Christmas break was a loving and generous gift to us. We left her with a brand new 80lb steel cage for the monster and best wishes on Saturday as we headed to Daytona.

Due to road work all the way down I-75 it took us 10+ hours to reach Daytona, but we finally arrived at my aunt and uncle's house. Tired and sweaty I honestly wanted a shower and sleep. My nerves were shot from non-stop worrying about the cruise. But my aunt and uncle were amazing and despite our late arrival picked up some tasty Philly cheesesteaks and we had a quiet evening watching the final four (Sam was very happy as he missed last year's due to our wedding, which he may never forgive me for). We woke up at the crack of dawn, I stuck my nausea patch behind my ear, said a prayer, wished my husband Happy Anniversary, and we headed out the door and on to Miami to board the Carnival Valor.

Port was much larger than I imagined, much more like a terminal in an airport, but we quickly made our way through check-in and boarded the ship. After some lunch we headed to the rooms to change into our swimsuits and luckily found my haven for the cruise. I knew I wanted to be at the front of the boat as seasicknesses 101 says to look out at the horizon. Luckily the front of the boat is an adults only lounge area with several of these amazing chairs.

Perfection. I could lay in a chair and look out at the horizon... incredible! The only problem is that as you can see the area is named Serenity, but it is located just in front of the worlds loudest horn, which they feel the need to sound at least five time upon leaving each day. But with a few long, ear-deafening blasts, we were on our way! We spent the day laying out on the deck and then headed in to get ready for dinner.

Monday was a very long day for me... first day at sea with no land in sight. I was definitely not made for sea and by the time we made it to dinner, I was ready to kill the Captain. Our boat, for some unknown reason rocked, and as we mockingly called it, shimmied. Two very different feelings that were only exacerbated at the back of the boat in the dining room. Lesson number one: request a dining room in the front!

Tuesday meant one thing for me... LAND!!!! I was sooooo excited to wake up and not feel my bed lurch or watch my juice cup sway! We headed off the boat only to discover we weren't getting off too soon... Grand Cayman requires a tender. So how do you get 3000 people off a boat and to shore? One 300 person boat at a time.

Honestly it wasn't that bad once we were going, the waters were calm and the ride was only a few short minutes till Land!!! Everyone told me that I'd get so used to the boat that land would then feel odd. Nope! I could have kissed the ground!

We didn't have an excursion planned in Grand Cayman but I was thrilled to walk around sipping on a ginger ale and explore. Sam was feeling good after a day of winning in the Casino, so he bought me a beautiful ring!

After a great day we capped off the evening with a great dinner and a hilarious married couples show.

Wednesday, we had to wait till noon to get off the boat in Roatan, Honduras, and despite the lure of land I was fine with this as I repeatedly saw my life end on this day as I plunged to my death from a snapped cable. However, I love my husband very much, and he said he thought that zip lining would be fun, so I entrusted my life to the locals at Clip-N-Zip!

We loaded ourselves into the back of a truck and rode through the forest, unloaded and continued our hike until we reached the first platform. After a quick explanation on how-to and safety instructions we were climbing the platform and a young man was clipping us to the cables. The nice thing is that with the super thick gloves, you can actually control your speed, so I traveled just fast enough to get me to the other side. Sam on the other hand enjoyed the no break necessary method and zoomed along the lines. Now let me tell you, hanging from a series of cables with only a harness is not that comfortable, but we had a great time and arrived safely back at the starting area. We then headed back to the ship (the luxury of tender-free ports), enjoyed a quick lunch and then headed back our for an afternoon at the local beach, Mahogany Bay.

Thursday we arrived in Belize City only to hear that it was a 5 MILE tender to the port. There were tons of cruise ships in the area and the boats were racing back and forth trying to get people off the ships as quickly as possible. The water was awful and I honestly debated the wisdom of boarding the tiny boat when they said it would be a 10-15 minute ride to land. Blah! My nausea patch was definitely put to the test that day! But we made it and we found our bus to take us through the countryside and to the jungle. We had about an hour long bus ride until we reached the river. Belize City is definitely ridden with poverty, and it was a humbling passage through the city as our guide told us about her life. When we arrived we loaded up the sunscreen, grabbed a tube, and a head lamp (sadly no pictures) and headed out for our hike through the local forest. Sam was a sweetheart and carried both of our floats the whole way. Sam and I didn't take our camera, fearing it would get wet, but these photos will give you an idea of what we experienced.

Thankfully the good people of cave-tubing.com had upgraded the tubes since these pictures were taken, think more like a water park tube, and I was able to keep all body parts out of the water, which suited me just fine after entering the cave, only to hear one of the guides talk about anacondas. The caves were beautiful and the tour was very relaxing. After the cave tubing we loaded up on the bus and the guides took us to their own tiki hut where they served us lunch. The people at cave-tubing.com were incredible and we would highly recommend the tour. These locals certainly work for every penny they earn, and judging by the countryside we witnessed in Belize City, it is money well spent.

Thursday night was our second formal night of the cruise and we also headed to the lounge for a night of laughs from the comedians. One was a riot, and the other not so much, but we laughed for the rest of the cruise about the poor guy.

Friday was another wonderful day! Cozumel is a very nice port with good shopping, but best of all, NO TENDER! My kind of city! Sam and I had decided to end our vacation with a nice relaxing beach day, so we booked a private beach, Nachi Cocum.

This beach charges you a flat rate and allows only 100 people on the beach each day. Every person gets a lounge chair and a natural umbrella to share. All of our food, and drinks (including alcohol) was included. They also had a nice pool and a jacuzzi for adults. The food was delicious and the service was great.

After a wonderfully relaxing day at the beach we headed back to port to a bit of browsing the shops before heading back on the boat to prepare for 36 straight hours at sea.

Saturday was another long one, with 70 knot winds (80+ miles per hour) you could pretty much lift off the deck. We attempted to soak up as much sun as possible and Sam hit the casinos one last time. I spent the morning sunning myself with our new friend Sara and Sam and her husband, Chris, conquered the on-ship slide.

After a toasty morning resulting in a bit too much sun all around we headed in for a chocolate buffet and a glorious nap! Our final evening was bittersweet as we said goodbye to all of our table mates and packed our bags for an early morning departure.

After the bags were packed we headed to the last comedy show of the cruise and off to bed for our long travel day the next morning. I certainly was not made for the sea, but I learned a lot and would certainly cruise again with my lessons learned as a guide to a better time. But ultimately the best part of it all was a week with my husband all to myself, no work, no school, just Sam and I celebrating our first year and all the blessings we have received.

How Do You Measure, Measure a Year?

Wow! No, better yet WOW! It's been almost been a year since Sam and I stood before God, our family and friends and committed to love and serve one another for the rest of our lives. Today's my last chance for blogging abilities as Sam and I head out tomorrow to begin our journey to Miami... CRUISE TIME! But I didn't want to let the one year mark pass with out a little blog time.

Despite the craziness of our wedding day, it was by far the greatest day of my life. Not because it was flawless, no, our day was far from that. We ran behind schedule from appointment number one until we finally hit the lobby of the Ritz Carlton that night. And not because I was so overjoyed or happy all day. I was a bundle of nerves and quite ill though our reception. No, it had little to do with the hours of planning or the dollars spent. Instead it had everything to do with the promises made and the contentment gained in knowing that Sam is mine forever!

So what have we accomplished in a year? Well firstly there was the honeymoon! Sam learned to ski which was a great sign to me that I might make it back to Colorado more permanently some day! We were so blessed to able to take such an amazing trip! And despite the late season , we received a huge blessing in the form of 13" of snow! Paradise!

Soon after we moved into our first home in Augusta! We settled in nicely and began to add some personal touches to our little rental.

Sam started Physical Therapy school at MCG... a dream come true! Although Augusta may not be our favorite city we are so blessed to be here while Sam follows his dream to become a PT. At the end of May he will be finishing his first year of PT school and receiving his white coat! I couldn't be more proud!

Our first year has been full of new beginnings and lessons learned about one another as well as our lives together. But ultimately, as the song goes, "it's measured in love," and I am fortunate enough to be madly in love with my best friend.

Happy Anniversary to the Love of my Life! I look forward to many, MANY more years with you!