Four for Four

Way back when, before we were married, I made Sam agree to always celebrate our anniversary. Like a legit celebration, not a card or flowers from the grocery store on the way home from work. No, I want an actual break in the regular day-to-day stuff, a pause to reflect and look forward. I totally recognize that this is a hard commitment to make, particularly if there are several little ones running around. As we still do not have said little ones, are excuses typically center around a lack of funds (because said funds were spent in the process of procuring said little ones). Our anniversaries have simplified and simplified year after year... we started off big and slowly made less and less of a celebration out of it. This year, despite not having ample funds I really wanted to do something. I'm thankful to say that, thus far, we are four for four in our commitment.

Year One: Caribbean Cruise

Year Two: Atlanta

Year Three: Lake House

and...

Year Four: Myrtle Beach

I didn't set out to go to Myrtle Beach, but rather I just wanted some place warm. I think pretty much the entire country would agree that this winter has been looonnngggg and cooolllldd. And for our family, this winter has been about as depressing as I can handle, so I really felt the need to feel warm sun and see bright skies. Not to mention I'm fairly sure if the clinic checked my Vitamin D level these days I'd be back at the "chronically low" stage. It seemed like the beach was just calling my name. I started off researching glamorous things like Mexico... scratch that idea. I downgraded to Key West... mmm, no. Vacation wasn't looking too glamorous after crunching the numbers. Thankfully, just a few weeks ago, I found a Groupon Getaway for a hotel in Myrtle Beach. After a little TripAdvisor research I decided this was a nice spot and a good deal... we booked it. I'm so glad we did!

The hotel, Marina Inn at Grande Dunes, was kind of ridiculous... as in ridiculously nice (so don't go look it up and assume we paid that... umm, no) Definitely a vacation destination for people in a different tax bracket than us, so thank you Groupon. We walked into the lobby and I thought we were lost. Needless to say, we looked slightly out of place in our travel gear after a six plus hour drive at check-in where everyone else was in resort wear or business attire. But whatever, my clearance bathing suit from White House Black Market and Rainbow sandals served me just fine. 

We were super nervous about the weather. All week we'd been checking and it was getting worse and worse. When you're only staying two nights, that one full day becomes REALLY crucial to the success of the trip. Luckily, we woke up Saturday to clear, blue skies and warm sunshine. We had a glorious day on the beach! The beach was practically empty! The hotel has a small "private" section, and randomly none of the other hotel guests decided to utilize it that day. It was so nice and quiet... just a really lovely day to relax with my husband. 

My only complaint is that our trip wasn't long enough... I could have used another day or two. But time off of work and money are hot commodities these days. Regardless, I'm so thankful we got away, had time to rest, and time to remember how blessed we are to have each other.

Top Left, clockwise: Fish N' Chips for Anniversary dinner, Coldstone (eek),
the beach,  view from hotel room, awkward photo on the beach, my monogrammed towel
and not so tan legs, Sam and his Double Pig dinner on our Anniversary,
lovely hotel room for less than half the price

Here's to year number five!

Another Year Gone

It's a little surreal, but today is our fourth anniversary! I swear it seems like it was just a few months ago that I was writing about our third anniversary! I guess it's really true what they say: the days are long, but the years are short. There have been some really, really long days this past year. Days that I'm content never to repeat. But last night, as I read back through the previous years' anniversary posts (here, here, and here), I was pleased to see how how much we've done, how far we've come, and how much we've learned. Last year I was looking ahead to our fourth year of marriage. On that day, I was excited about:

• Sam will accept an offer TODAY for his first job as a physical therapist.
• We will move OUT of my mom's house and IN to a house in Athens
• I will get a job (the odds are high within a year, right?)
• We WILL pay for IVF
• We might get pregnant
• And if we're really, really blessed, we might buy a house within the next year.

And don't you know, we actually did almost all of the above except buy a home, (and the obvious one) but as we had our home inspection this morning, we came very, very close to sneaking that one in too. And honestly, I'd forgotten it was even a goal until last night! 

There is certainly one GIANT thing missing that we were desperately hoping for out of year four: a bring home baby or a solid pregnancy. Obviously that didn't work out like we were hoping despite saving and paying for IVF. It's really easy to start grading the years based on the one thing we're missing. When it's the one thing you spend all your time and money on for an entire year, it really feels like a failed year when that one thing doesn't work out. But the truth is, we've had a good year. We both got jobs, we moved to Athens, we completed our goal and paid for IVF (and an FET) without debt, and we're hoping to buy a home soon. Sure, this year would have been just about perfect if the IUI, or IVF, or FET had worked, but they didn't… it doesn't change what we did do, what we did accomplish.

There seems to be a general theme the least few years as I've recapped the previous year… sadness and hope. Sadness for what has gone before and hope for what might come tomorrow. That pretty much sums up this year as well. Marriage is about for better or for worse. Our for worse is most certainly infertility… it's a repeat theme year after year. And I'm not sure when or if that will ever change, but I'm still so incredibly thankful that we have each other. The worse is significantly better than it could be when you're with the one you love and you can support each other.

So Happy Anniversary to my best friend! I feel abundantly blessed to call you my husband! I'm looking forward to year five and hoping for better and brighter days with you!

April 3, 2010: Courtesy of the*Reason

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:7

Hard Choices

For the sake of simplicity in this post, I'm dividing our next steps into two groups: group 1- we both (Sam and I) have a genetic relationship, and group 2- one and/or both of us do not have a genetic relationship with our child.

I'm currently struggling with our next steps. Unfortunately, I don't even really know what I want, which makes it particularly hard to agree (or disagree) with Sam about any of it. Every time I try to talk about any of the options, I start to cry. I'm feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and all possible plans make me feel even more so. But I like to have plans, so I continue to think through them even if it's uncomfortable.

There are things that I like and don't like about each of the possible plans. I like that domestic infant adoption feels quick(ish)… it's certainly not a guarantee, but the possibility is there. I like that IVF gives me the potential to overcome infertility. I like that donor embryos is a cheap less expensive option. But with all the plans that fall into group 2 (donor egg, donor embryo, domestic and international adoption) I have a couple of things that I really don't like, a couple of things that I'm afraid of and can't seem to work through.

I've said several times before that adoption has always been a part of my family building plan. In my teens and early twenties, my dream was for 4-5 biological children first and then 1-2 adopted children, specifically via international adoption. To say I had a rose colored glasses view of adoption would be an understatement. I had never heard of adoption scams, or stealing infants from hospitals. I would never have dreamed that there was an underground rehoming network taking place in my own country. Adoption just seemed beautiful: it was all about rescue and redemption. I never thought I might need adoption in order to have a family, so it seemed almost ministerial rather than simply family building. 

My view of adoption has slowly changed. I'm honestly a little afraid of adoption. I'm afraid of getting in over my head, of unknowingly contributing to crime, of separating a child from his/her first family unnecessarily. In no way do I mean to say that adoption is bad. I have many, many friends who have or are currently adopting. I've seen adoption work. I've seen adoption be beautiful just like I imagined. But I've also heard things that make me nervous, things that seem to freeze my feet in place. 

My greatest fear with adoption seems to be spreading into all forms of family building that don't have a genetic connection, essentially all plans in group 2. My greatest fears center around the third party... the biological mother and/or father. Whether you want to admit it or not, adoption, donor embryo, and donor egg/sperm all have a third party involved. The fact that I would not have a genetic reflection in the face of my child isn't what I'm afraid of... looking at my child and not seeing high cheekbones or thick brown hair doesn't frighten me. What scares me is how the third party (or lack there of) might affect my child. How not knowing anything about his biological mom might forever leave a giant hole in his life. It seems to be a nonissue for some kids and a giant deal for others… I'm not sure if the difference is in the children or how they are raised.

In donor egg/sperm situations there is almost always no information available. In some instances, the couple receiving the eggs only knows height, weight, hair and eye color, and education level. Other than that, they simply know the donor passed whatever sort of preliminary tests required of donors. Unlike is most adoptions, even once the child turns 18, there is simply no additional information to provide the child… she will never know more about the woman who helped create her. The lack of information is typically to protect the donor from a child/children hunting for her years later. I don't think this eliminates donor eggs for us, but it's certainly something to think about, something to prepare for, something to process.

If the fear of raising a child who feels like a giant piece is missing from her life due to the lack of information frightens us, it seems that our next steps should be some form of open adoption or open embryo donation. But the moment I hear "open" an entire new set of fears arise.  I'm not sure if it makes me insecure or shallow but the idea of my child knowing and/or seeing his biological parents scares the dickens out of me. My dream of parenting never included a third party... the "adoption triad" as it's called. I understand why it's often the best situation for the child, but oh my heart. I'm not sure if I'm mature enough to handle that dynamic... I imagine I would forever be jealous of any connection my child might have with his/her biological parents. Meeting up at a park or inviting them to birthday parties scares me... and not simply because our parenting styles might be different or they might not be people I'd naturally choose for my child to hang out with. My biggest fear is that my child would prefer them over me. (insecure much?)

I can literally hear it ring in my ears, "you're not my mom." She might scream it as she turns, flouncing her hair, and slamming her bedroom door. The words probably came following a fight about boys or make-up. I'm pretty sure I said equally mean and hurtful things to my parents growing up, but that phrase might just rip my heart out if I ever hear it. It might be my biggest fear about losing the genetic connection with my kid(s). I certainly don't want to raise kids who feel incomplete, but I'm also afraid of allowing the biological parents into our lives. I'm afraid of how the third party would change my relationship with my child. It all just feels scary and foreign in ways I wasn't prepared to feel until group 2 was really right in front of me.

All of these thoughts have been swirling around ever since I wrote "Plans G-K". I had asked Sam several weeks ago to start thinking through our options so that we could discuss it soon. We finally talked about how we each feel about the different plans this past weekend. Essentially, I feel like we have six options (not including another FET or living child-free).

1. Expensive IVF: Somewhere with GOOD statistics like CCRM or maybe Advanced Fertility Centers of Chicago
2. Cheap(er) IVF: It would be $1000 less to go back to FIRM (which was already a fraction of the cost) for another round
3. Domestic Adoption
4. International Adoption
5. Donor Eggs
6. Donor Embryos

It should be shocking to no one that Sam and I didn't list our options in the same order. That would make things way too easy.

Sam's list: 3, 5, 6, 1, 4, 2
Amanda's list: 1, 5, 6, 3, 2, 4

Sam likes adoption for two things: he thinks it will be faster and that it's more of a sure thing.
I like IVF with CCRM (or other really good clinics) because it eliminates all of my above fears and allows me another shot at beating infertility (I'm not normally so competitive). International adoption is at the bottom of my list because, if this happens to be the only child we ever have, I don't want to miss having a baby. And I think repeating IVF at FIRM is at the bottom of both of our lists because of my poor response. It just seems dumb to repeat the same thing and hope for different results.

So how do we move forward from here? Obviously, we arm wrestle for it. I think the best move from here is to research each of our top options first. We might have a phone consult at CCRM and go to a few informational meetings at a couple adoption agencies. I've just finished reading Called to Adoption: A Christian's Guide to Answering the Call. I'm on the hunt for other good reads. I don't think we're in a desperate hurry to make up our minds… I'm in a desperate hurry to have a baby, but as all options cost a good chunk of change, it won't be any time soon. We've got time to research and talk and pray… hopefully our next steps will seem clearer to both of us with time. I do think I'll schedule a consult with Dr. Duffy at FIRM in the coming weeks to at least discuss the possibility of transferring all four remaining embryos. If he likes that idea, that may be our next step as it's certainly the cheapest and we'll have fully exhausted our options before moving forward.

Essentially, all of these are good options… there's no bad option here is it brings us a child of our own. But that doesn't mean choosing is easy… these are hard choices to make. These are decisions that I never in my wildest dreams thought we'd be making, not even when infertility was dumped on us. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the reality of our life. There are moments when I just want to cry, tell God he's completely unfair, and refuse to give up any more than I already have. In those moments I just want a baby without stress or fear, without worry or heartache… I just want it to be simple. But simple it is not. I certainly don't believe the old saying that the Lord won't give us more than we can handle… I think the story of Job pretty clearly disputes that. But I do think wherever He leads me or allows my life to go, He'll see me through. He's allowed infertility to be a part of my life for one reason or another… I have to believe He'll see me to the other side, hard choices and all.

Stuck on Repeat

Well friends, it's another negative. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad... super sad. Two more of my embryos died. Two thousand more dollars were spent for another negative. I really don't know what else to say... we tried, we failed (again).

I have absolutely no idea where we need to go from here. I know I'm not ready to kiss the dream goodbye, but I also know that I am so, so tired. I'm so over this season, this journey. Can I have a different story? Even if the grass isn't as green as I imagine it is on the other side, I'm ready to cross over. But how much more do I want to go through? How much of the dream am I willing to give up? Genetics? The pregnancy? The birth? Infancy? Do we move on to the next logical step and simply try IVF again, maybe at a better clinic like CCRM? But what if that fails too? Then what? We'll have spent $30,000 on CCRM... we'll need another $10,000-35,000 to move on to the next, next step. Or should I simply admit that my eggs aren't up to par and skip a second round of IVF? Should we go straight to adoption or donor embryos? I feel overwhelmed by the possibilities, but even more so by all the zeroes following the dollar signs.

We do technically have four (maybe three) frozen embryos. One 8 cell, one 6 cell, one 4 cell, and one 3 cell.... the 3 cell is the questionable one. I don't really understand  enough about meiosis and mitosis and all that stuff to get what my doctor was saying, but essentially, he's not sure that the 3 cell actually has male DNA in it. I know, weird. Essentially he said on Saturday (day two) the egg looked to be unfertilized, so he reported that we had seven embryos. But when we showed up on Sunday, what had looked like an unfertilized egg the day before suddenly had three cells. He's unsure if it successfully fertilized or not... at least, I think that's what he said. The 8 and 4 cell are frozen together and the 6 and the 3 cell make our fourth straw. At this moment, if we did another FET next, I'd want to transfer all four. I can't believe I'm saying that... three months ago transferring three seemed like a terrifying and dumb choice... but that was transfer one and this would be transfer three, with the four worst embryos. The odds have to be incredibly small of a 3 cell, day 3, grade 3 embryo becoming our take home baby. I don't want to toss it, but I just don't feel good about transferring either group alone.

I really don't know which way is forward... all paths thus far just seem to circle us around and around and around. Our story just seems to be stuck on repeat. But ultimately, we have time to figure it out. As we don't have $30,000 in our bank account, we're not ready to move forward with plan G, H, I, J or K. In the mean time, I'm going to let myself cry, take a long, hot bath, and drink a Diet Coke... and there's probably a pint of Ben and Jerry's Salted Caramel Core in my very near future. Other than that, I'm going to look forward to the good things we have ahead: house hunting continues tomorrow and anniversary next Thursday. Life's not all bad... I've got to remember that.

The Trifecta

I'm in search of The Trifecta. What is that, you ask? Oh well it's essentially my pursuit of happiness: a good job, a home, and a kid. I'm knocking on the door of 28.5 years and I'm still in search of The Trifecta. I know it's become the sad, sad, sad story of my generation that we're reaching milestones later, and later than we (or our parents) ever imagined. Sam and I appear to be particularly stunted... thanks infertility.

Suddenly it feels as if there is potential, potential to achieve The Trifecta. Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. I won't get in to the employment thing because that just seems dumb to talk about on a public blog, but I'm EXCEPTIONALLY pleased to announce that the Greavus are house hunting! Eeekkkkk! I know, I know. Probably not that exciting, but to us, we're beyond pumped. The reason we're finally pulling the trigger on a house is probably a little premature and maybe the strangest reason ever to start the search. Essentially, if we decide adoption is our next step, we will have to move. No one, and I really mean that, absolutely no social worker would approve us for a home study in our current setup... we don't even have smoke detectors. When we started thinking about moving, we realized (once again) that rent is not cheap. We started crunching numbers and well, to get into a nice(r) place that will accept our 80 lb Weimeraner, our cat, and would pass a home inspection.... well it's not pretty. I exclaimed, "we could own a house for less than that!" And do you know what? We actually can!

Regardless of the decision to adopt, we would never feel comfortable bringing our child home to our current place, so moving is a must at some time. And now that we've started looking, we're both full three quarters steam ahead. We are trying to be EXTRA cautious with our choices. While we fully realize that the third part of our trifecta could come in the form of the two little embryos we transferred, we also realize that it might not. We could be years and thousands upon THOUSANDS of dollars away from a bring home baby. In order to save thousands, we need enough margin in our monthly budget. Which means the house of our dreams is not in the works, nor is the house we thought we'd buy when we got married... no this is the house of reality. The reality that says any child may cost $30,000+... literally. Dream homes are for later... much, much later. This will be a true "starter home"... and not like the starter homes my generation and those proceeding us thought were starters homes, no this will be a true starter home. But the cool thing is, we're still so excited about it. It probably won't even have five of our top ten wants, but it's still INCREDIBLE that we're even doing this.

As to the whole baby thing... I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought of the potential we have right now. The potential for a positive pregnancy test on Friday and a bring home baby in 36 weeks. I've certainly thought of how ASTONISHINGLY different out lives would look if we weren't expecting to spend the next few years saving for a chance at a baby. I mean obviously, our lives would look waayyy different just because we have a baby... that in and of itself would be ridiculously different. But in terms of finances, things would radically change if we weren't up against IVF or adoption.

The potential for big things, for life altering change is definitely there... as to how significant the potential is, I have no idea. What are the odds we actually achieve ALL THREE?!?!? Probably slim... our lives simply do not seem to work that way. But two out of three? Still amazing. One out of three? I'd still be thrilled with ANY positive thing right now. Particularly if that one is a BABY... literally, I'll live in a hovel and work for minimum wage for a baby.

Speaking of baby... test day is Friday. I'm giving myself about a 5% chance of a positive beta which is low even for me. My doubts are at an all time high because I had period-ish cramps on and off all day Sunday, all day Monday and most of Tuesday. They are gone now, but I still don't think this bodes well. But one way or another, we'll find out on Friday.

And even if all three fall through, our anniversary is next week... I'm reminded that we are abundantly blessed to have four years of marriage behind us. We have a small trip planned to get away and relax together over a long weekend and I'm ridiculously excited! Other than Florida for IVF (which was too stressful and sad to even consider a vacation) this will be the first getaway since our last anniversary. We're ready.

What Will Be

I apologize for the delay in updating after the transfer. I realized yesterday after quite a number of "hey, you okay?" texts and emails that I should probably update, but I didn't. I'm struggling to find much more to say on it other than it happened.

The transfer was pretty boring (which is good) and pretty much exactly like last time. It was interesting to note the similarities between IUI #1 and IVF #1 and then IUI #2 (3 & 4) and FET #1... for both IUI #1 and IVF #1 there was so much suspense, so much drama surrounding the transfer. Ooooo, this could be it. And eekk, what's going to happen? Anxiety level 12 out of 10 for both. And then its over, the sperm are deposited or the embryo is in place and it's like, ughhhh, what a let down. Glad that's over, but I don't feel any different. And I still have to wait, and wait, and wait. The drama should really be reserved for beta day.

I guess that's why we were both pretty chill about the whole thing. Sam and I both kept checking in, "are you nervous?" we asked about twenty times. That morning I woke up, rolled over and asked Sam if he was ready to pick up the kiddos from the daycare (aka, the freezer). I wasn't nervous. At least not until we got there and they called us back to meet with the doctor. When we were there last time, everyone in for a transfer went straight back, no chit chat. So when they called us back to chat, I immediately thought that one or both failed to thaw. And then I felt dumb for not being nervous about the thaw. Luckily, they both survived the thaw. The doctor explained that a successfully thawed cell does two things: it plumps back up nice and full, and it's translucent when light is shined through it. For an embryo (day 3) to successfully pass the thaw, at least half the cells need to do both of those things. Our 9 cell did perfect, 9 for 9. Our 8 cell dropped back to a 7 cell, but the doctor said that was still excellent. So in the end, we transferred two day 3 grade 3 embryos, one 9 cell and one 7 cell.

The transfer itself was fine. I'm still bummed that I don't get photos of the embryos. I'm thinking about writing a letter to Dr. Duffy with my two biggest "complaints". They aren't really complaints, but just things that I was really frustrated about when I found that FIRM does things differently than 90% of the other clinics out there. Number one: I think it's dumb that they don't allow the partners back in the room. The reason feels like it has zero to do with keeping a sterile room, and everything to do with processing the transfers quickly. It's like a mill back there. One person gets a transfer while one or two others change and sign releases. One comes out, another goes in. Despite the fact that the transfer feels very anticlimactic after it's over, I still wish Sam could be part. The second wish would be for photos of the embryos. For some of us, those are the only photos we will every have of our babies. Once they're gone, they're gone, and it's too late.

But all in all, it was a success. We traveled down to Jacksonville on Saturday, watched Georgia lose to Kentucky, walked around the mall, and had a delicious dinner Maggiano's. Sunday morning we completed the transfer and then hit the road. It was an incredibly short trip and super exhausting. Therefore, I took yesterday off to recuperate and rest. I'm not sure that it was incredibly necessary for the embryos as implantation will most likely take place on Thursday or Friday if all goes well. It was nice to catch up on laundry and chill though. I've got one episode left of Revenge, and we caught up on The Walking Dead last night (whoa!). Speaking of laundry, I don't know if the nurse made a mistake but she said not to lift more than three pounds… three pounds?!?! Umm lets see here, Everest (my cat) weighs seven pounds and she's like lifting air. I kept analyzing the laundry… "let's see, four socks, three t-shirts, and a pair of Sam's shorts… that's about three pounds… trip one to the washing machine. One of Sam's hoodies…eek, that's about three pounds too… ehh, just leave it, I don't have time for 1,000 trips to the laundry!" Seriously, three pounds? Who comes up with this stuff? I'm pretty sure my laptop and my purse individually weigh three pounds, and I don't even have 25 lip products like other people (not naming names). I guarantee I've lifted more than three pounds since the transfer and I'm not sure that there's anything to be done about that unless I'm spending the next two weeks in bed with a servant to tend to my every need… which I'm not.

Test day is next Friday, March 28th. If all goes well, super! If it goes like things typically go, I have one week to get over it before our Anniversary… perfect timing. My attitude is kind of "what will be, will be"... I'm not particularly optimistic, but I am feeling slightly more hopeful as is usual post transfer. Ten more days to go.

Still in the Trenches

It's Spring Break for 99% of the city of Athens and the town I call home is dead... it's glorious! I know, I know... don't call a college town home if you don't like college students. I actually love college students, but there's something rather spectacular about the quiet. About a city's streets carrying the amount of traffic they were actually intended to rather than an additional 30,000 motorists. Downtown is lovely, and peaceful, and not filled with students handing out flyers, blasting loud music, or smoking. (Geez, I sound old) Campus is a ghost town. It's similar to summer, except even better... only the zealous over achieving graduate and professional students remain.

The quiet is really nice... something this introvert really relishes. But it also opens up the ability to reflect and ruminate. Today I find myself realizing something. It is both amazing and disheartening; both exciting and frustrating; both exhilarating and draining. That thing is this: I'm getting left behind. Day by day, my friends climb out of the trenches of infertility and start the next chapter. And that is INCREDIBLE and about ten other positive adjectives in all caps. It's what we're all hoping for, praying for, fighting for. I know anyone who has ever been in the trenches knows what I'm talking about. You're fighting side by side with some of the most beautiful, inspiring, lovely women you've ever met. For a while it's all, "we've got this," but then suddenly you look to your right and where there were ten fellow fighters, there are two. You quickly look to your left and find that they too have all, every last one, climbed out of the pit. No, actually, there is one left, but she's on the final rung of the ladder, and not for one moment do you want to call her back, or tell her to wait. You give her the thumbs up and smile as tears stream down.

Slowly but surely, it happens to us all. In the course of anyone's journey, if you find yourself stuck in the trenches long enough, you will find yourself looking left and right and wondering, "where did everyone go?" I suddenly find myself there. It's not an actual baby boom, but more of a revelation... the longer I stay, the more I'll have to say goodbye. I really hate goodbyes. The goodbyes are sweet for sure. I'm so incredibly happy for all of my friends. The point of the journey is to get out, to cross over, to move on... it's beautiful when it happens. But no matter what, even if they stick around to blog, something changes. To no fault of anyone, the relationship changes. The commiserating comments and words of shared frustration change to positive, happy, blissful words of encouragement. It becomes, "don't give up; your day's coming" as if once out of the trenches the memory and fear of never crawling out somehow begins to fade. The relationship, while valid, and beautiful, and worth continuing, changes.

I personally don't dislike reading about bumps and bibs and bottles and birthdays. Seriously nothing puts a smile on my face faster than a bump update from Aubrey. That girl fought so hard... she deserves every single moment of this and then some. But there are inevitably the moments where I am left without words to share. When we're all in the trenches there is a sisterhood of shared experiences. We've all got something to share whether that's "my first time on climid..." or "my follicles grew 4mm in one day..." or "I had a weird reaction to that medication too!" or "my husband's counts really improved after...". Months and years go by where I feel a connection solely based on experience... we live in different cites, come from different faiths, exist in different socioeconomic levels... but we're all here fighting (in different ways) for the same thing. There is always something to say. And then suddenly she has outpaced me and I have no clue why a Dr. Brown's glass baby bottle matters or whether a Moby wrap is better than a K'tan. Do I say, "I have no idea about any of that, but I'm excited you're making these fun decisions" or does that feel like a subtle reminder that she is there and I am not?

This post was never intended to be a discussion on our relationships during and "after" infertility. Really it's just my musings as I realize that my friends are climbing out and crossing over. And like I said it's AMAZING... but it's also kind of lonely. And yes, there are always more women learning of their diagnosis. There will always be women turning to blogging and starting the journey with this beautiful community. But hunting new blogs feels daunting and overwhelming. I love the serendipitous ways I've encountered my friends over the years. To sit down and actually search out new blogs feels forced and tiring... kind of a "will you sit beside me at lunch?" kind of thing.

So where to from here? I don't know. It's always hard to know, because you never know how long you'll actually be in the trenches. But one thing I certainly think I should do is take a moment to celebrate the BEAUTIFUL women I love who have crawled or are crawling out of the trenches. I'm so, so  happy for you ladies. You have fought the good fight... you deserve every blissful moment and then some.

Second trimester and beyond:
Amanda @ beloved burnt toast: 26 weeks
Emily @ Eat Love Procreate: 17 weeks
Hopeful and Hungry: 18 weeks
Kimberly @ No Good Eggs: twin boy and girl 27 weeks
Annie @ Sweetest in the Gale: 16 weeks
Em @ Teach Me to Braid: twins 32 weeks
Team Hop: 23 weeks
Rebecca @ The Road Less Traveled: 27 weeks
Aubrey @ Two Hearts and One Dream: twins 21 weeks
Mrs. Lost @ Where is That Bird?: twins 20 weeks


Out of the trenches (Fall 13-Spring 14):
dspence @ Donating Hope: baby boy born March 5, 2014
Ali @ Here I Go Again: baby girl born March 1, 2014
Genny @ His Plan, Our Journey: baby girl born October 8, 2013
Sara-Lynn @ Home Grown Love: twin boys born October 16, 2013
Lentil @ Lamenting the Lentil: twin boy and girl born February 19, 2014
Lindsey @ Operation Baby Gage: baby boy born February 11, 2014
Rain Before Rainbow: baby girl born February 27, 2014
Ready for My Turn: twin girls born November 18, 2013
Laura @ The Adventures of an Infertile Myrtle: baby girl born February 16, 2014
Allison@ The Blogivers: baby girl born November 1, 2013
Emily @ The Empty Uterus: baby girl born February 6, 2014
Jennie @ You've Been Sass'd: baby boy born September 29, 2013

And to the ladies who are a few steps up the ladder: we are all rooting for you. Keep climbing girls!

First trimester:
Julia @ Finding a Way Out of IF
Infertile 625 @  Hidden Infertility
Conceptionally Challenged
Kasey@ Stupid Broken Eggs
Beth@ Beth & Harrison Slatery

I'll be honest, I shed a few tears putting that list together. We're going to blame it on my estrogen levels. It is incredible to look over a list like this… someone, somewhere beats infertility every day. And honestly, I'm so glad it's you girls. You are beautiful, beautiful women and I know you'll be fantastic mothers. Congratulations to you all!