Reflections

Now that I'm out of the haze of anesthesia, I'm able to more clearly analyze my feelings. The laparoscopy revealed zero endometriosis. Does that ever happen?!?! I feel like every infertile leaves the surgery with a diagnosis of at least stage I. I really thought it was going to be stage I or stage II. My doctor wasn't so sure, but based on my history of painful periods, the regular presence of large clots, my mid-cycle cramps, and my higher than normal CA-125 levels, he felt like it was worth a shot.

Endometriosis is no joke. I certainly don't want to have to repeat a laparoscopy every six months or year. I never want to go on birth control ever again (unless of course for IVF). I don't want to worry about endometrial tissue damaging my ovaries or causing my tubes to adhere to my abdominal walls. Endometriomas sound terrible and terrifying… no thank you. I totally get that endo is not a fun diagnosis. 90% of the world assumes endometriosis is "killer cramps"… I don't envy the girls who have to explain that it's so much more. So why was I/am I upset with my "all clear" post surgery?

Everyone was asking and wondering what I was hoping for in terms of the surgery. I hadn't spent too much time thinking about it beforehand. Honestly, I was so scared, I just wanted to wake up and to have all of my essential reproductive organs still intact. But as I said before, upon hearing that there was no endo, I began to cry. I was admittedly kind of surprised by my reaction, and I'm sure a lot of it was due to the anesthesia. But I also think that on some level, I was disappointed. I wanted there to be a reason, a partial explanation, a diagnosis that I can explain to people. I wanted to leave the surgery with an increased chance of pregnancy. I want there to be something there that we can treat.

Instead, I'm left with knowledge. I don't take that for granted. I now know that despite my symptoms, despite my elevated levels, I do not have endometriosis. There has not been anything within my uterus obstructing implantation. My tubes are open and capable of transporting the eggs effectively. These are all good things to know. I'm super thankful that I can mark those things off the list. Any pain that I've experienced from the surgery I consider well worth the knowledge we've gained.

However, with this knowledge, with these answers, comes more questions. And several of these questions are hard. For example: Is my body killing off healthy embryos? Are Sam's sperm and my eggs incompatible? Are there genetic or chromosomal reasons why we can't conceive? You get the picture… the questions I'm left with are game changers. Endometriosis is terrible. But in the big scheme of things, it was an option that I could wrap my hear around. I knew what the treatment options would be and I knew that our chances of conceiving a child (even if via IVF) would still be high after treatment. Now that I've marked it off my list of "why's", I'm forced to look at two years of actively trying and only one recorded pregnancy which quickly failed, and well, I'm forced to confront the possibility that things may be a lot worse than I thought.

But that's as far down that rabbit hole as I'm willing to go at this point. This coming week has a lot of really good awesome things worth celebrating, (like Sam's graduation) so I'm not letting myself spiral into despair yet. I've got to schedule my post-op tomorrow… there's plenty of time to wonder and worry after I talk to my doctor. Until then.