Yea, yea, I know. I come, leave you with insight, wit, drama, sadness and then disappear for a week. I am a self-professed terrible blogger. I've got about a zillion posts less than half completed floating around in my head, but none of them sound interesting/are worth typing/have an ending. You're already excited about this one, aren't you?
Essentially, I think my bad blogging habits of late are simply an extension of a larger problem: my brain is a muddled mess. And not the kind due to a lovely smooshing of mint and stuff, just a jumbled, disorganized, vapid wasteland where thoughts go to die. If you could Magic School Bus yourself inside my head right now, you'd find one long stream-of-consciousness style mess of stuff. And I don't even like stream-of-consciousness... Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury was my own personal kind of hell sent just to destroy my straight A college English record. But lately my thoughts look like this:
I need a vacation...I like cake...I wonder if mom will make me a cake this weekend...I should learn to bake...umm, no cake isn't low carb dummy...I love carbs...IVF is going to suck...we should just take out a loan...I want a baby...I love diet coke...diet coke is deadly...who cares...I need coffee...you're not supposed to drink coffee...who cares...I should brush Everest...I need a vacation...I should go back to school...Work is overrated...I want a baby...I'm tired...infertility sucks...I want to see Despicable Me...I can't wait for fall...eww, fall means birthdays...28 = too old...birthdays aren't fun anymore...birthdays are even less fun without presents...I just want a new pillow... pillows aren't in the budget...budgets make my head hurt...I need a vacation...vacations aren't in the budget either...I want a baby
You see what I mean? And I'm being honest, that was the tame, sort of coherent version where there are some logical leaps. Most of the time it's like this:
Fall:sunburn:cake:baby:vacation:sleep:read a book:remember to ___:I love Sam:clean the tub:
And that's in the space of like sixty seconds. So you'll forgive me (and silently rejoice) that I haven't been filling the blog and vast internet with my nonsense. If you noticed there are two reoccurring thoughts in that muddled mess: I want a baby and I want a vacation. Essentially, I'm tired of infertility: tired of writing about it, tired of thinking about it, tired of worrying about it, tired of spending money on it, and tired of all the sadness in my life because of it. But I still want a baby. Nice, huh? And essentially, although I've only been working full time for just over three months, I feel the tension and could really use a vacation. I'd love to just get away, chill on the beach, drink beverages that I shouldn't, and not care in the least whether they will affect my ability to have a baby. I feel the need to get away and spend some time with my husband, just the two of us. I don't want to think about school, work, babies, infertility, IVF, loans, debt, money, none of it. My fairytale world sounds pretty nice, right? I bet we could all use one of those.
Cue reality check: I just started working, so I don't have enough leave saved up for a vacation. And even if I did, I'm going to need all the paid time off I can get when the time comes for IVF. And the reality of the situation is that we are in debt and a baby is going to cost us money, so we have no business taking a vacation. So instead, I'll just sit here with my jumbled thoughts and hope that some direction and clarity comes soon.
I rather enjoyed this blog post. :) Probably because those same thoughts enter my head in, well, probably every half hour increments. I bought an eclair last night for dinner. I don't even like eclairs. Cake sounds so much better! xo
ReplyDeleteYes, hope that clarity comes soon sweet girl! Hope the new job is going well!
ReplyDeleteI just want to solve this for you! Ugh, I hate it. :( And, sad, my b-day is in the fall too. This is the first birthday I've approached feeling legitimately sad because I was supposed to have a baby by now (almost 26). Okay, I was supposed to have two by now. I wish so many things were different for you and life worked out in such a way that you could enjoy all these wants (baby, vacation, cake, diet coke, etc.). Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteHahaha Faulkner also was my personal hell. As I Lay Dying. UGH. Made me wish I were actually dead so that I wouldn't have to read it. I like your stream-of-conscious much better. It's a lot like mine. I think you should at least lighten up on the Diet Coke and coffee. One of those can make a whole day seem better, and for such a low price? Don't deny yourself.
ReplyDeleteYour stream of consciousness is totally coherent. Which is great because God knows our thoughts/prayers before we even say them. So don't be surprised if 28 brings you an awesome vacation to the diet coke factory... or hopefully some other way more exciting combination of birthday wants!
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you with those thought patterns... No wonder my husband was in hell when I added clomid to the mix!!
ReplyDeleteI turned 28 during my second IVF in April. Let's hope this year is good to both of us ;)
I can so relate to this post. This is what keeps me from sleeping soundly at least once a week. I just turned 35, if that makes you feel any better.
ReplyDeleteYour brain sounds like my brain. If it makes you feel any better, 28 is so young. I wasn't even married until I was 30, you have a lot of time to get things figured out. I'm sorry, I know that doesn't help anything, but time is on your side.
ReplyDeleteYep, this is me lately too! Can't keep a clear thought in my head, can't focus for more than a few minutes, can't seem to articulate myself at all. Bah. Since you aren't able to take a vacation right now, I think you should plan a little staycation--take a weekend just for yourself, go ahead and drink beverages that you shouldn't, watch movies, and sleep in :) You deserve it! Hope the fall brings good things all around.
ReplyDeleteLove this post!!!! I think you just read my mind.
ReplyDeleteHaha this post made me laugh out loud, you're funny! And I can completely relate to feeling like a jumbled mess, I'm on the brink of that myself. I'm one step away from muddled mental oblivion! Can you maybe do a long weekend somewhere near you? A cute B&B or something? That's always fun to take a staycation!
ReplyDeleteCan I come to this fairy tale world with you?!?! xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh, I can so relate. And the worst is when you wake up in the middle of the night and have the same hamster wheel of random thoughts going round and round and round. I'm going to be blogging about it soon, but the book The Power of Now is ALL about separating yourself from your mind, where you become an observer of your mind and can just say, "There goes my mind again thinking about xyz." And then the idea is to take notice of those thoughts and then to practice just dropping them like hot coals and getting back to enjoying the exact place you are at right then. As someone who is Type A analytical, it's helping me quite a bit this week. Maybe you would like it too?
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