Now of course there is the super obvious ways I'm failing: failing at conception, failing at pregnancy, failing at motherdom, etc. But this goes WAY beyond that. Do you ever think about all the things you should be doing? Do you get overwhelmed? I do. I've never understood how I could possibly be even mediocre at everything, let alone excellent. Take for example the grocery store. Seems simple. Buy food. Take it home. Cook, eat, repeat. But man, oh man, it's SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED. See, I know, for instance, that I'm supposed to eat healthy... organic fruits and veggies, hormone free milk, free range chicken, grass-fed beef, etc. But there's another whole side to the grocery store and that's called the budget. The current budget barely supports chicken, let alone chicken for SIX DOLLARS PER POUND. The budget does not have room for organic everything. I'm not saying that I don't understand why organic is more expensive, (just ask Erika, she's dealing with the world's largest worms) I'm saying I can't double the grocery budget to allow for all of this stuff AND save for IVF at the same time (well, I guess I could, but I'd also be forty by the time we got there). You see what I mean? Something has got to give! Either the budget's happy with all the processed goodness that coupons can buy or the body is happy with all the healthy quinoa, tofu, and organic eggplant available. It can't be both.
Let's look at another example, shall we? So yea, we should all exercise. Mm, hmm.Yep. We all agree. Apparently we should exercise for 30 minutes FIVE days a week. Blaghh! I'll skip the eight hundred reasons I haven't exercised lately (rain, more rain, 100% humidity, no gym membership) and be real honest... I'm lucky if I get the dishes washed. Actually, my husband is lucky if I get the dishes washed. Between work, the other work, researching IVF like it's a full time job, and just regular boring old life, I'm normally "done" for the day at about 8pm at which point I can decide to A- go exercise, B- go wash dishes, C- do a load of laundry, or D- say to hell with it all. I pick D a lot. There's a pile of laundry on my couch that's been there since Monday (shhh... don't tell my mom).
I'm not really trying to gripe about my life... life is really great these days. I'm just struggling with the idea of sucking at adult life. I was really, really good at pre-adult life. My mom may argue, but I'm pretty sure I ROCKED as a baby. And I'm confident I excelled at childhood. My teachers loved me, I loved school, I was awesome at everything (except sports, but hey, nobody's perfect). I was pretty awesome at college too. I wasn't stellar at the extracurricular part of it... no sororities, no clubs, no stereotypical college stories to reminisce over later in life, but academically- nailed it, athletic participation via spectatorship- yep, all over that, finding the love of my life-check. It's this whole grown up thing that I'm not sure I'm cut out for. Balancing the checkbook, sticking to the budget, cleaning house, laundry, preparing meals... I'm failing at that stuff. Adult life seems to be all about restriction and worrying about everything. Got to get rid of all plastics because of BPA, got to get rid of all non-stick cookwear because Teflon might make me more infertile, got to recycle and buy green cleaning products because we've got to save the earth, got to use crazy expensive/less effective health and beauty products because of all those chemicals, etc. Adult life is all about cholesterol, and BMI; 8 hours of sleep, and staying active; saving for retirement, and paying off debt. #failing at all of the above
And you know what the kicker is... I don't even have any kids. I'm fully aware that my mom friends are infinitely more busy and tired than I am. And why wouldn't they be? They have an additional mouth to feed out of the same budget because no one gives raises for expanding your family. And they have to worry about sleep schedules, BPA free bottles, organic baby food, and cloth diapers. They've got to deal with carpool, and daycare, homework and reading logs. I'm failing at my small, little, unfit for Twitter life, and yet, I'm hoping it gets a whole lot worse.
Anybody #winning at life these days?
Being an adult is WAY over-rated. Everything you just typed is so common for many adults. It is for me anyways. I like to look at the small victories. It makes life less overwhelming. Like, "hey I vacuumed the house today" instead of the "I vacuumed but the place is still dusty". Ya know? Besides - you are a great person and amazing at encouraging others when they are down. Isn't being a good person more important and actually make you a better adult? XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteI so hear you on the organic food dilemma. I thought I was going to go 100% organic until I saw the price tag on everything... there is no way we could afford that!!
ReplyDeleteI get where you're coming from, but I just want to assure you that you are NOT #failing at all those things... you are just living life and doing the best you can! All you are doing is being human, so don't be too hard on yourself ;)
ReplyDeleteThese are all the same things that worry me constantly. They worry me so much so that I think now why is it I want to bring a child into this?? At the end of the day all I can do is say my prayers and trust that God has it all figured out for me, I just need to do my part every day to be the best me :) And side note: Thank goodness I have a husband that likes to clean, that helps!! haha
ReplyDeleteYou don't suck AT all!!! You shouldn't speak those words over your life! :) I think you are great! And, I agree, our grocery bill has tripled since we started buying the high quality meat, etc etc. We don't buy everything organic either, b/c it's way too expensive, but a quick trick that we do is soak all fruits and veggies in 50% water/50% vinegar - it removes 92% of pesticides :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the worm shout-out...I'd like to inform everyone that my worms are currently #failing at life, aka I killed them all. But now there are new things (they fly, not sure what they are) trying to devour my crops, so I sprayed them with (a supposedly 'natural') pesticide...buh-bye illusion that my tomatoes are organic, don't nobody have time for that. ;) But anyways. I totally relate to all of this. When we decided to get (more) serious about eating clean, the only way we could afford it was to cut out meat. Organic/grass-fed/whatever meat is TOO DANG EXPENSIVE! But if you're not paying for ANY meat, then you can afford for a lot more of your veggies and dry products to be organic. It works for us...plus now I never have to touch raw meat, which is always a bonus.
ReplyDelete#failing! Woman have you gone mad!! For one, you have a college degree very few can say that. You have a man who loves you and is willing to be by ur side through this journey. Stop focusing on the negatives and look at the positives.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, you're going through a lot right now. Don't be hard on yourself. But, I totally understand what you mean. Being an adult totally sucks sometimes; these days I just feel like going home to Mom and Dad and being a kid. I hate this for you. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm #failing right alongside you, girl!! I've come to the conclusion that it all can be blamed on IF: the finances, the lack of working out, maybe not the poor eating - but I blame it all on IF anyway! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm in your same situation and often wonder how I would do all this plus a child. Sometimes it is just hard to find the motivation. Don't feel down. You're totally normal.
ReplyDeleteYou my friend, are anything but failing. You go through so much yet are always still so positive and supportive of so many around you. BTW...I'm back and I've missed you! :) You will pick yourself up and the dreams will find you. No doubt. I hope it's soon! Don't you dare give up!
ReplyDeleteOh honey. I can relate to this post so much. Last month, I wrote one very similar. It is so hard to keep up with everything. Keep yourself healthy, safe, and well-fed. It is certainly not easy. I don't have any answers for you as I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. But I would say to try to give yourself a break. You're better at this life stuff than you think. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this! Not sure if you ever read Hyperbole and a Half, but this is one of my all time favorite posts:
ReplyDeletehttp://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
I just found your blog after reading one of your comments on another blog I follow. I'm sorry you're having to go through this struggle. You seem like a great person, and I'll be hoping things start looking up for you soon.
I think if you're #failing, most of us are. The pricetags of both IVF and healthy living are tough. Maybe adult life really is overrated -- if you look at the happy people around you, are they "good adults", or have they just figured out a way of enjoying life besides/despite of all the things that need to be done?
ReplyDeleteOh Amanda! I'm sure plenty of commenters have said this already, but you're way too hard on yourself! Everything really IS so much harder than it should be...even the easy stuff. And all of that pressure we put on ourselves makes it ten times worse. I wonder what it would look like for all of us to lower our standards with certain aspects of life and allow "failing" to no longer really be an option. Well, in an ideal world, I guess.
ReplyDelete