Who Takes Care of Me?

I've mentioned before that I get the awesome honor to love on some toddlers on Sunday mornings at my church. Well, each month we have a "big idea" that we try to get across to the little ones through songs and activities. November's big idea is this:

God takes care of me.

Simple, huh? But really profound when we actually get it.

I think I've been on the verge of tears about a hundred times today. I fight it off because I know if I give in, it won't stop. Sunday morning in the toddlers room is not the place to lose it. Before we started this morning with the little ones, we met as a group for some encouragement. I happen to be led in this environment by a beautiful, loving, happy lady who really cares about the volunteers' lives. She opened up by saying that maybe the "big ideas" that were created and intended for the children could actually work in us too. Hmmm... I needed that this morning. The day after finding out that I'm super duper broken, far more than I ever dreamed, I needed to hear this.

God takes care of me.

I'll be honest. I don't feel taken care of. I don't feel loved. I feel abandoned. I feel forgotten. I feel inferior. I look at other couples who have beautiful families and our friends who are adding sweet babies to their families, and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but wonder why them? Or better yet, why not us too? I feel like my prayers are bumping the ceiling, like I need a megaphone to get His attention. "Hey, I'm down here. I'm hurting. I'm asking for a miracle and believing that you are the miracle worker. Don't forget me. "

That's what I feel. But faith is not about feelings. Faith is about trusting. So today, despite feeling like the best place for me is in bed under the covers, I'm saying my faith is in my Heavenly Father. And even though I feel forgotten, abandoned, and left-out, I'm believing that He will take care of me.

Cry fest almost came about again during worship as a friend was leading the church in Matt Redman's song, "Never Once". This is so beautiful:

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did you leave us on our own.
You are faithful, God, you are faithful.

Beautiful and true. I may feel abandoned, but I am covered in the grace of the one who said "I will not abandon you". I either believe He is faithful, or I'm calling him a liar. If He is faithful, then I have not been abandoned. He is at work. I just can't see it yet.