Heavy Heart for the Holidays

Not too much to report on the baby making front… We're au naturel for this cycle (and the next several), so not too much hope right not. But we are doing our part and carrying on as if BBT's and OPK's really do help make babies. Strangely, I got a positive OPK waaayyyyy early this cycle. The earliest I've ever gotten a positive OPK before during a non-medicated cycle was CD 16. Normal is CD 19. This month, I was dragging my butt and didn't start testing until Monday, CD13… and don't' you know, it was positive. I didn't get a shift on CD14, so I tested again… still positive. Hmmmm…. No clue what any of that means. I'd like to say that three months in a row of medication taught my body the appropriate time to ovulate, but I didn't get a shift today, CD15, either. So maybe it's the opposite, my body doesn't know how to do anything now without meds… lovely.

I am excited about the slew of appointments we have coming up! As you can see from my timeline, I have three appointments at different clinics to get second opinions, discuss IVF, and find the place I'm the most comfortable before moving on. We also have an appointment with a urologist, just to get a specialist to give us the all clear and thumbs up for Sam before we move on. I know that no one will have the magic key, it's called unexplained for a reason, they don't have a clue what's wrong, but I'm hoping that someone can restore some of my hope in the medical world. I want to really believe in the process if we are going to sink a down payment on a home into these procedures.

In the mean time, I'm going to try to enjoy Thanksgiving. I've read on several infertile ladies' blogs that they are skipping family time this year as it is just too tough… I wish. There's no escaping for us: Thanksgiving is being held at my mom's, which is where we currently live. There will be two precious new faces at Thanksgiving this year, my niece Alexis, and my cousin's little girl. But there should be three new little faces. Alexis is 8 months old, my cousin's baby is 7 months, and my little one would have been 6 months. Needless to say, I feel like the failure. Here's my grandmother wanting to hold and love on all her great-grandkids, and I failed to provide. Here's my mom cleaning the nursery that she converted a guest room into incase her granddaughter spends the night. She thought it would get tons of use from my niece and all of the babies I'd be bringing into the world. The crib has yet to be used. Poor mom.

My family will more than likely not even mention my failures at motherhood. And that is certainly not how any of them would put it. They are good people, and I love them all. But I will feel the underlying tension, hear the unspoken questions, even if it's all in my head. While every one oooo's and ahhhh's over the new little one's in the family, my heart will be breaking, I want someone to oooo and ahhhh over mine, but she's not here.

But there are plenty of wonderful people who are here, great conversations to be had, wonderful food to eat, and a beautiful home to celebrate the holiday in. It's a lot more than most people have. I will try my very best to keep bitterness at bay tomorrow, to love on my family, to serve with a joyful spirit. I am blessed, even while I'm waiting on one particular blessing.