The Fear Factor

So I just read Emily's blog: she's facing a second miscarriage. Trisha is dealing with her fourth loss. A friend from high school emailed me this week: she's recovering from her third miscarriage. As I read other blogs, hear other stories, I'm realizing something, something awful. You know that statistic that doctors quote at you after a miscarriage, the 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage stat? Well, I'm beginning to realize that infertile couples carry the brunt of that load. I know this shouldn't be a revolutionary idea, no lightbulb moment involved. But I'll be honest, it never dawned on me until I started talking to other infertiles, hearing other stories of heartbreak that I might experience the loss again. I guess the odds seemed with me somehow, and a second loss seemed to cruel. Spread the wealth, right?

As I realize that my chances for miscarriage are even greater simply because we are an infertile couple, simply because we have experienced a loss before, I am gripped with fear. Am I strong enough to survive that kind of heart ripping, soul shredding loss again? I was a real mess for a while after that dreaded phone call. And I was in a MUCH better place emotionally, physically, spiritually then, after only 3 months of trying, than I am now, 16 months later. So many women are recovering from their fourth, fifth, or even 6th miscarriage. They are all so strong. I don't know if I am that strong.

I guess I'm willing to risk it. I'm not on birth control, we aren't using condoms, and we are discussing IVF. And I guess, yes, I am willing to risk it. I'd walk through fire to bring a baby home. But what kind of woman will I be on the other side? Will I be refined by the flame or scorched and scarred?