I May Never be a Mother

I may never be a mother. There I said it. And it's true. I'm not saying this because I'm pouting post IUI failure. This isn't part of the pity party. This is me admitting that I have no control here. I feel like I've been digging my feet into the sand telling God that He may think he has a plan for me, but I'm going to be a mother, whether he likes it or not. I've been claiming it like it's my right and like I have some control over it.

When I first began treatment way back when, I occasionally felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt that if I was meant to be a mom, it would happen naturally, so when we moved on to treatment, sometimes I wondered if God heard "I'll show you". Like if He won't give me a baby, then I'll just make one for myself. Oh silly me! All of this is ridiculous I know. There is NOTHING that I can do to MAKE a baby. But treatment let me feel like I had some level of control in all of this, and that was comforting. It was always in the back of my mind that even if we went all the way through treatment to the end and never came home with a baby, I could adopt still. But then I worried if God heard, "If you won't give me one, I'll take one" from me. Again, silly me.

Hear me when I say: I have ZERO control over being a mom. I can do everything right every month, I can create a happy little home for an embryo, I can make my body super healthy, I can pay thousands of dollars for medical treatments, but none of that guarantees me a baby. Oh, and the adoption thing, that's not a sure thing at all. I know about 5 things about adoption currently and they are the following:

1. I really, really want to adopt, but I don't feel ready now.
2. It's expensive… like crazy expensive. Why? I don't know.
3. It can take forever. If 2+ years is forever, than yea, it takes forever.
4. It's crazy scary. Huge leaps of faith in people you've never met.
5. There is NO guarantee that you will get a baby.

So yea, when I say I have no control over the situation, I mean it. I have no control over the situation. And I HATE it! I'm guessing that this is my lesson in all of this: I am not in control.

Now none of this is to say that I'm giving up. I'm still hoping and praying for a miracle. I'm going to continue to do everything available to become a mother. And it may happen. I might be a mom one day. In fact, I still feel like I will probably be a mom one day. But there are no guarantees. And that, my friends, is a very humbling realization.