Newlywed Advice

I'm suddenly surrounded by newlyweds through several different areas in my life. When we first moved to Augusta and Sam started PT school, us married folk were a rare breed. Now that school is winding down, the marriages and engagements are piling in. Upon moving back north, we joined a community group of newlyweds at our church. And when I say newlyweds, I mean it. We're talking weeks for a lot of these couples.

I've been asked so many times in the last few months about marriage advice. I don't know when 2.5 years gave you "authority", so I rarely feel like I have a lot to say. But truly, when I think about it, I have TONS of advice. Things about communication and conflict. Ideas on love languages and intimacy. I've had lots of "life lessons" in these 31 months of marriage from which I've gleaned knowledge. But my greatest peace of advice is this:

Stop waiting to start your family.

Believe me when I say, I know what it is like to have fears. I am married to Mr. Hesitant. He had a list a mile long about why we shouldn't have a baby, about why waiting until out late twenties/early thirties was a good idea. About how we needed a house, careers, financial plans, etc. 

Hear me when I say this: It is complete ARROGANCE to believe that you can plan when your baby enters the picture. I was so arrogant when I use to dream about things like scheduling baby births around holidays and making sure he/she wasn't the youngest in the class. For whatever reason, this is how we have come to operate in this day and age. We are either PREVENTING or TRYING. We desperately work so hard, spend so much to make sure that a baby is not possible until we are "ready". And then as soon as we are ready, we immediately think, where's my baby? What would happen if we worried more about simply LIVING? If you're married, you're relationship is stable, you're working, and you have a place to live, then what would happen if you got pregnant? Simple, you'd become a family of three. Once upon a time married couples simply had sex to make love. They didn't know about basal body temperatures, or ovulation windows, or correct positions. Pregnancy was a chance every time, and a miracle every time.

If you really, really want a family someday, let me give you a few facts: You are the most fertile you'll ever be between your late teen years (depending on when you started your period) and 25. That's right, I said 25, not 35, not 45, 25. Can you get pregnant after 25? Of course. Is it as easy? Nope. Most people won't notice, but statistically, it's harder. How about a chart to express things a little more clearly?

Normal fertility over 12 month period

A little help with this chart: keep in mind that infertility isn't a disease, it is defined at the inability to become pregnant after one year of unprotected sex. So the green line doesn't mean you're on the road to disease, it means you're on the road to menopause. But along the way, long before menopause, more and more women will leave the "fertile train" and hop aboard the "infertile train" with a one way ticket towards spending bookoos for a baby. As you can see, the difference between 24 and 25 is almost 10%. Meaning you are almost 10% less likely to conceive within one year at my age, 27, that at say 23. Something to think about.

Lets look at it from a smaller scale, because you, like me, are sure you'll get pregnant in a year. What about your chances month to month. A healthy couple in their early to mid twenties has about a 25% chance each month of getting pregnant. Not bad, right? Late twenties, that starts to drop to 20% each month. At 35, your chances are dropping still, and by 40, you have less than a 5% chance that you will get pregnant. And remember, this is if both parties are healthy.

Who's not healthy? Estimates say that more than 10% of couples, or 1 in 8 will deal with infertility. It just so happens, that my small group has 8 couples. We will use that group an an example. So, 8 couples in the group… the odds are that one will be infertile. Luckily, that has already been determined. But there is no reason to assume that there isn't another. Here are some things that might mean you aren't included in the normal, healthy group:

• If you don’t ovulate, there is a 0% chance of getting pregnant
• If he has no sperm, there is a 0% of getting pregnant
• If you have had a tubal ligation, there is a 0% chance of getting pregnant
• If you have severe tubal disease which has closed off your tubes, there is a 0% chance of getting pregnant.
• If your menstrual cycle is irregular, your chances of getting pregnant are lower.
• If your corpus luteum phase is shorter than 12 days, your chances of getting pregnant are lower.
• If you ovulate irregularly, on different days of the cycle, your chances are lower.
• If you ovulate late in the cycle, after cycle day 21, mathematically, you have a lower chance getting pregnant because there are less ovulations per year and also because implantation is less likely in a uterine lining that’s older than 3 weeks (after the last menstrual period).
• If you are underweight (BMI under 19.5) your chances of getting pregnant are lower.
• If you are overweight (BMI over 25) your chances of getting pregnant are lower.
• If you take certain medications your chances of getting pregnant may change.
• If you had surgery on your cervix your chances may be lower.
• If you have an infection your chances may be less.
• If you use lubricants your chances are lower.

The list goes on and on. I say none of this to scare you. I say it to educate you. Assuming that you can stop your birth control pills and get pregnant the next month is highly unrealistic. Will is happen to some people? Of course. Will it be you? No way to know. So my point is this: don't plan on it.

50% of healthy couples in their 20's will get pregnant within 6 months of unprotected sex. Those aren't bad odds, but it's also not what we are led to believe. I don't know about you, but I grew up thinking that sperm leapt through layers and layers of clothing all the time, and if even one little sperm made it, well, it was a done deal. I remember the first time my period was late after Sam and I got married. I was on the pill, but I was like a day late. Sam had a hissy fit. Insisted I go buy a test. I thought he was going to have a heart attack. He just knew that despite using the pill accurately (and sometimes condoms too) that we were pregnant. I bought the test, it was negative, he started to breathe again. I use this to illustrate the point that somehow, we've come to expect pregnancy every time intercourse occurs (protected or otherwise if your Sam). I think it's partially carry-over scare tactics from sex ed, but regardless, it's just not true.

So, all of this is to say, if you don't want kids right now, I mean honestly don't want a baby, then fine, but recognize that you will not have forever. And assuming that you will be one of the lucky ones, assuming that you both fall into the "healthy" category, assuming that you have all of the time in the world is simply arrogant. You can't know what your future holds, and acting like a baby is completely within your control can come back to bite you.

Also ladies, I want to close with this: I started going to an OBGYN in college. I saw 3 different doctors during college and then a 4th before getting married. I asked ALL of them if my irregular cycles were a reason to suspect I might have trouble getting pregnant. They ALL assured me that no, I was healthy, when I was ready, it would happen. I think the doctors at university clinics must get paid to say this. Well let me tell you, when you're struggling to conceive, the first thing they ask you is if your cycles are regular. Irregular cycles are the number one sign of infertility as well as cramping or bleeding at odd times during your cycle (not during your period). This can be a sign of anovulation, endometriosis, and other fertility related issues. If you're cycles vary from month to month, if your cycles are extra long, if your period is extremely light or heavy, talk to your doctor. If there is reason to believe you might struggle getting pregnant, it's better to know now, than in five years when you get around to starting your family.

If I could go back to the beginning of my marriage (and convince my husband) I'd skip the pills and the condoms and the worry. I'd simply love my husband. I'd put my family in God's hands and trust that He's got us. Some might say that is not responsible, but I disagree. I don't think there is anything more responsible than saying I'm married and I'm going to love my spouse and I'm giving the rest to God. I might be pregnant or even have a child by now if we had done that. Probably not, but it's possible. I might be right where I am today. Either way, I'd have no regrets.