November is Adoption Awareness month and as such I'm using the blog to shine a light on some topics in adoption that we all have questions about. Last time I discussed just a very, very few of the reasons that adoption isn't simple. We all want adoption to be simple, and in its most basic principle it is: a family wants and has the means to care for a child. A child needs a loving, forever family. Move the two together and you should have instant happiness. But like most things in the world, it's just not that simple. There are SO many things that complicate the situation, things that many of us are unaware of, so I hope the first post helped to open our eyes to what can make adoption anything but simple.
Adoption is also not easy. The process of adoption is certainly not easy; I can attest to that. But I think many of my friends who are adoptive parents would also say that the after is hard too. Everything doesn't magically become easy the moment the judge bangs the gavel and declares the child forever yours.... the hard stuff continues. If you think about it from a Biblical perspective, Jesus instructs us to look after and care for widows and orphans... it wouldn't be a command if it was easy and natural. A recent study said that around 33% of Americans think about or consider adoption at some point... less than 2% actually adopt. That's obviously a very small percentage, so what happens to the other 31%? Why do they stop at just thinking? Many families that are interested in adoption turn away, and many are scared away because of the difficult process. So let's take a look at what about adopting and adoption is hard.
Adoption is always about brokenness and loss. Every day something reminds me of this truth again and again. A child who was once the oldest is now the middle child. The family birth order is broken. A child who once spoke the same language as everyone around him suddenly finds himself in a new town with people who look and sound nothing like him and no one speaks his language. The child experiences loss of everyone and everywhere he knew. When a child leaves a broken home where one or both of his parents have died or are unable to parent her, she is placed into a new home where everyone and everything is different and they call it family. Gah... that's crazy hard. Even infants experience loss. There's been a push for additional research lately into maternal separation and how the initial loss of the one person the child innately recognizes by sound and smell affects the child going forward. In the earliest moments of life, that baby knows loss. That's tough to even comprehend. And parenting kids who have experiences with brokenness and loss is hard. If you want to read an often hilarious and witty post about parenting internationally adopted children after the airport, read this post from Jen Hatmaker's blog. Or better yet, look around you, find an adoptive mama, and ask her what is hard for her right now... I bet it boils down to brokenness and loss. Every single adoption scenario is surrounded by the theme of brokenness and loss, and that is anything but easy.
Adoptions fail. Ughh. I kind of want to vomit just typing that sentence. It's true and we all know it, but that doesn't make it less terrifying. In fact, for adoptive or potential adoptive parents, it makes it more. Studies suggest that, historically, anywhere between 10 and 25 percent of adoptions "disrupt" which specifically covers scenarios in which a child is placed with a family and then is removed prior to the finalization of the adoption. This does not include adoptions in which the birth mother changes her mind and chooses to parent prior to the placement of the child. To bring it a little closer to home, our consultant shared that she's seen about 10% of matches that occur in the last 12 weeks of pregnancy fail. That's not east to swallow and it's certainly not easy to prepare for.
Adoptions are always analyzed. Always. And anytime problems arise, the solution is a new policy or law. Those policies or laws complicate the process. They are not necessarily or inherently bad, in fact, when you think about it, most are good, or at least started with good intentions, but few if any are in place to make adoption easier. Let's look at an example: ICPC also known as the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children is a law in the US within all fifty states that requires both the state where the child is born and the state where the adoptive parents are returning to give approval before the child is moved. At first glance that sounds dumb. "It's my baby and I can go wherever I want with it," right? No one polices the movements of families after they leave the hospital if they gave birth to the child. But prior to the creation of this law, if a family left one state and entered another, they simply fell off the radar. The sending state felt it was no longer its responsibility to follow up and the receiving state had no knowledge that a family had crossed state lines with an adopted child. ICPC makes the two states communicate for the safety of the child. I would venture to say that we want ICPC and most other laws and policies to exist in order to protect our children, but those laws and policies rarely make it easier to adopt and often make it more expensive. Continuing with the ICPC example, Sam and I will most likely adopt from out of state (statistically speaking there are more scenarios outside of Georgia than within) but that will require an extended stay in another state, typically anywhere from 10 to 14 days. The policies and laws certainly don't make things easy.
Adoption is slow. And waiting is hard. Can I get an amen? My infertile sisters know this first hand. Waiting is hard. You can consider yourself a patient person, but when months turn into years, everyone's patience begins to run out. Lifeline Children's Services provides an estimated timeline for their international programs, ranging from twelve months to eight years depending on the country and the specifications for the child. Nightlight Christian Adoptions suggests that an average wait for a domestic infant adoption is one to two years. Years people. Adoptions often take years. And that's hard for anyone.
While you wait, things can change. This typically affects international adoption, but it happens in domestic adoption too. Policies are constantly being put into affect and cancelled. Everyone heard about it when Vladimir Putin, Russia's President, signed a bill closing Russian adoption to the US. You may not have heard about the Democratic Republic of Congo. Since September of 2013, the DRC will not grant the children exit visas, so there are currently hundreds of children who have been legally adopted, yet cannot leave the country and join their new families. If you're looking closer to home, policies and bills are constantly put forth within a state or nationally that can affect the adoption process. Take for example the Adoption Tax Credit, in the years 2010 and 2011 it was a refundable credit. However if your adoption became delayed and finalized in 2012, the credit was no longer refundable. When things change, our expectations are often unmet, and that is never easy.
Adoption is not easy. I think that most of us agree about that. In fact, I think fear is what drives many people from considering adoption. On one hand that makes me sad, but on the other, I think a healthy fear of a situation is often good. Painting a situation to be something it's not will never help anyone. Everyone needs to know what they are stepping into before they get there. However, I'll add this: adoption isn't easy, but I truly believe it's worth it. Ask Erika how she feels right now, actually don't worry about it, she already wrote it earlier this week: She writes, "I'm constantly overwhelmed by how incredibly worth it she is. Every negative pregnancy test, every pillow sopping wet with tears, every prayer that felt unanswered, every miserable Mother's Day, every dollar wasted on doctors and surgeries, every tear, every tear, every tear. Every tear was worth it."
Whether you're thinking about adoption because of struggles with infertility or because you have a heart for orphans or because you'd like to add to your family, you probably know it's not going to be easy. We all hope we're the lucky ones that magically get a push through the bureaucracy, we want to be the ones who get fast tracked to the front of the lines, but all too often adoption stories aren't about that. They are about years of waiting, they are about failed adoptions, they are about sad situations of abuse or corruption. We hope our situation will be different, somehow easier than the one we heard about last moth, but ultimately we know adoption is hard. I have about 15 friends who have adopted and I'd put money that even on their worst day, they'd say the road to adoption and the journey after is certainly not easy, bit it is all worth it.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
It's Not That Simple
November is Adoption Awareness month. I thought I was aware. I thought I understood. I mean what's so hard to understand? Internationally there are an estimated 153 million orphans. Domestically, there are birth families that are unwilling or unable to care for their children. Those two things combined means we have a lot of children in the world who need parents. I thought I understood. It seems so simple: just move the children around the world from the orphanages, state homes, and foster homes into permanent, loving, forever families. It's not a hard concept, but it's not that simple.
Let me be the first to tell you, nothing about adoption is simple... not one thing. It seems like it should be, but it's not. It's why so many well-meaning people offer adoption as an end to the pain of infertility. "Have you thought about adoption?" they ask, as if thinking about adoption for half a second gets you from point A to point B in a snap. Often times it seems so simple for these people: there are children who need families. You have a family and need a child. Unite the two and, voilà... you kill two birds with one stone, right? Let me tell you, I've thought about adoption. I've thought and I've thought. I've read and then I've read some more. It's no clearer today than yesterday or last year; in fact, the more I learn, the more murky the entire topic becomes.
The one thing you'll learn quickly about adoption is this: things aren't always as they appear. Set even one tiny toe into the adoption and foster care world and you'll learn really quickly that there are two (or more), typically very good arguments, for every single facet. In light of the recent election, think of it like Democrats and Republicans... both say that they are for the US government. Neither party runs on platforms purporting to ruin or overthrow the government. Both groups want to help the US citizens, but if you talk to an extreme leftist about the right, holy moly, right? And it's exactly the same with the other side. It's kind of similar in the adoption world. On every topic, you've got opposing view points. Neither group is hoping for anything but the best for all children in need of loving homes, but they often have very different views about what that means, how to achieve it, etc.
Now please, don't for one second think we're not moving forward with adoption. We are plowing through and pushing forward, while also holding onto everything as loosely as possible. We want a baby and it is our complete desire to adopt a baby, but that doesn't make it is simple or easy or cheap. And that's frustrating. So lets take a moment and look into why adoption is not any of those things.
Adoption is not simple. It's not, not at all. I would say the easiest adoption scenario imaginable would be this: A family is looking to adopt. They get in touch with a woman who is looking to put her child up for adoption due to financial or educational reasons. The birth father is in the picture, but also uninterested in parenting. Both biological parents sign. There is no drug or alcohol use. All parties are of the same race. Oh and, the birth mother requests no aid of any kind during or after the adoption... that would be the easiest, simplest adoption. Why? Well, any time any one of those things changes, you've got a entire group with very strong opinions about what should be done in that scenario.
How about a few examples?
Example 1: The birth mother is willing, but the birth father is not, or at least not willing to sign. This is mostly a domestic adoption issue, but it's a common one and the scenario is different every time. A lot depends on the birth mother's state. Which is weird... in one state birth dad has no rights and in another the adoption can't go forward without his signature. Some states require males to list sexual partners on a registry in case they are ever listed as a birth father. Some states care only about financial contribution during the pregnancy. There are different rules for every scenario and just as many opinions on what rights a birth father should or should not have... and lets be clear: no one set of rules will work for every scenario. Sometimes the biological father is unknown, sometimes the biological father is missing, sometimes the biological father is refusing to sign because he would like to parent, sometimes he is refusing our of malice (a she hurt him, now he'll hurt her scenario)... the list goes on and on. It is anything but simple.
Example 2: Lets say one or two parties involved is of a different race. There are wildly different opinions on this topic, and I'm not even getting in to all of that here any more than to say this: Racism is real and still prevalent in our world. It is universal in the US and abroad. We think of racism as black and white here in the US, and that is obviously still a huge part of it, but racism exists in hundreds of other scenarios too. And parties on both sides of the disputes recognize that racism still exists to some degree or another, but they have very different opinions about how adoption plays into that. Some would say take the neediest child, and if that child is of a different race, then so be it. He/she has a need and now it's met by loving parents who just happen to be of a different race. Others would say if your dining room table of friends and family isn't as diverse as your child, you have no business adopting a child of a different race. Those two statements probably offended a whole slew of people... believe me, somehow both offend me at different times. My point isn't to argue, but just to say this: any time you add race into the picture it becomes messy, even if by "adding race" you're excluding race. Some will call you racist for choosing not to bring an African American baby or a baby from China into your family, while others will applaud you for not subjecting a child to a life with people who do not look similar, share history, understand the culture. Race and racism makes adoption the opposite of simple.
Example 3: The birth mother has financial need. This issue varies wildly based on whether it's an international or domestic adoption. In an international situation, you may wonder why there is a birth mother at all... aren't we talking about orphans after all? Well, remember things aren't always as they appear. The Christian Alliance for Orphans suggests that while 153 million children are considered orphans by UNICEF (United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund) 17.8 million of those are what we call "double orphans" meaning both parents are deceased. In 101 million of those 153 million children's lives, there is a living mother who for various reasons, is unable or unwilling to provide for her child, and so the child ends up in orphanage or state home. So you see, the issue of birth mother expenses is very real in both domestic and international adoptions. "What's the problem?" you might ask? Let's look at both independently.
In domestic US adoptions, once again, every state has different rules and regulations. Some states offer a list of services or items that can and cannot be purchased or given to a birth mother. So money for counseling is okay, but a car is not. In some states, there is a cap on the amount. For example, Florida says that no more than $5,000 worth of goods can be given to a birth mom... except when there is exceptional need at which point the agency or attorney can petition the court for a larger allowance. Some of you may think these numbers are outrageous and some think it should be more... once again, the issues divide us even if we all want the same things. There are certainly ethical issues involved here making this murky territory. Where is the line drawn between a need and a bribe, and is that line even a permanent thing? What one birth mother may legitimately need, may look like a bribe when given to another birth mother. It's hard. No one is suggesting that babies should become a commodity that is bought and sold. No one is a proponent of offering so much incentive that women become pregnant just to get an apartment for six months, healthcare, food or clothes. But no one wants to force pregnant women out on the street either. It's all just hard. Really, really hard stuff. It's definitely not simple.
International is similarly difficult, but for different reasons. In many of the countries participating in international adoption, there is little or no government regulation... corruption is possible at every turn. And that's not to say that the countries with lots of government oversight don't involve just as much corruption. No one wants to go through international adoption only to learn that a birth mother placed her child for adoption out of monetary incentive, but it happens. And tracking when and how often and why it happens is really hard. Some people are quick to say shut such countries down, they are selling babies. I'll offer you a hypothetical situation to drive the point home:
This blog has never shied away from the hard topics, and these issues and deep thoughts have been swirling around in my head for years, but obviously even more so now. So in light of November's spotlight on adoption, I'm diving in. I hope you'll dive with me. I did a similar series last year on fertility treatments, the ethical and faith based concerns, and why it's often not as simple as it appears. As you can see these topics on adoption are hard, and murky in similar ways and it makes for loooooong reads. So I'm breaking this into a few different posts that I'll put up throughout November. My hope is not to scare anyone away from adoption... the Lord knows it's scary enough without adding to the fear factor. My goal is simply to educate and shine a light on adoption and the issues surrounding it. My hope is that everyone would become more aware of adoption... more aware of the options, yes, but also more aware of the hard questions that we all want answers to like, "why does adoption take so long?" and "why is adoption so expensive?". So dive in with me. Even if you know for a fact that adoption isn't in the cards for your family, you may know someone who is going through adoption or you may simply find that you care for orphans and adopted children and want to help in other ways.
Let me be the first to tell you, nothing about adoption is simple... not one thing. It seems like it should be, but it's not. It's why so many well-meaning people offer adoption as an end to the pain of infertility. "Have you thought about adoption?" they ask, as if thinking about adoption for half a second gets you from point A to point B in a snap. Often times it seems so simple for these people: there are children who need families. You have a family and need a child. Unite the two and, voilà... you kill two birds with one stone, right? Let me tell you, I've thought about adoption. I've thought and I've thought. I've read and then I've read some more. It's no clearer today than yesterday or last year; in fact, the more I learn, the more murky the entire topic becomes.
The one thing you'll learn quickly about adoption is this: things aren't always as they appear. Set even one tiny toe into the adoption and foster care world and you'll learn really quickly that there are two (or more), typically very good arguments, for every single facet. In light of the recent election, think of it like Democrats and Republicans... both say that they are for the US government. Neither party runs on platforms purporting to ruin or overthrow the government. Both groups want to help the US citizens, but if you talk to an extreme leftist about the right, holy moly, right? And it's exactly the same with the other side. It's kind of similar in the adoption world. On every topic, you've got opposing view points. Neither group is hoping for anything but the best for all children in need of loving homes, but they often have very different views about what that means, how to achieve it, etc.
Now please, don't for one second think we're not moving forward with adoption. We are plowing through and pushing forward, while also holding onto everything as loosely as possible. We want a baby and it is our complete desire to adopt a baby, but that doesn't make it is simple or easy or cheap. And that's frustrating. So lets take a moment and look into why adoption is not any of those things.
Adoption is not simple. It's not, not at all. I would say the easiest adoption scenario imaginable would be this: A family is looking to adopt. They get in touch with a woman who is looking to put her child up for adoption due to financial or educational reasons. The birth father is in the picture, but also uninterested in parenting. Both biological parents sign. There is no drug or alcohol use. All parties are of the same race. Oh and, the birth mother requests no aid of any kind during or after the adoption... that would be the easiest, simplest adoption. Why? Well, any time any one of those things changes, you've got a entire group with very strong opinions about what should be done in that scenario.
How about a few examples?
Example 1: The birth mother is willing, but the birth father is not, or at least not willing to sign. This is mostly a domestic adoption issue, but it's a common one and the scenario is different every time. A lot depends on the birth mother's state. Which is weird... in one state birth dad has no rights and in another the adoption can't go forward without his signature. Some states require males to list sexual partners on a registry in case they are ever listed as a birth father. Some states care only about financial contribution during the pregnancy. There are different rules for every scenario and just as many opinions on what rights a birth father should or should not have... and lets be clear: no one set of rules will work for every scenario. Sometimes the biological father is unknown, sometimes the biological father is missing, sometimes the biological father is refusing to sign because he would like to parent, sometimes he is refusing our of malice (a she hurt him, now he'll hurt her scenario)... the list goes on and on. It is anything but simple.
Example 2: Lets say one or two parties involved is of a different race. There are wildly different opinions on this topic, and I'm not even getting in to all of that here any more than to say this: Racism is real and still prevalent in our world. It is universal in the US and abroad. We think of racism as black and white here in the US, and that is obviously still a huge part of it, but racism exists in hundreds of other scenarios too. And parties on both sides of the disputes recognize that racism still exists to some degree or another, but they have very different opinions about how adoption plays into that. Some would say take the neediest child, and if that child is of a different race, then so be it. He/she has a need and now it's met by loving parents who just happen to be of a different race. Others would say if your dining room table of friends and family isn't as diverse as your child, you have no business adopting a child of a different race. Those two statements probably offended a whole slew of people... believe me, somehow both offend me at different times. My point isn't to argue, but just to say this: any time you add race into the picture it becomes messy, even if by "adding race" you're excluding race. Some will call you racist for choosing not to bring an African American baby or a baby from China into your family, while others will applaud you for not subjecting a child to a life with people who do not look similar, share history, understand the culture. Race and racism makes adoption the opposite of simple.
Example 3: The birth mother has financial need. This issue varies wildly based on whether it's an international or domestic adoption. In an international situation, you may wonder why there is a birth mother at all... aren't we talking about orphans after all? Well, remember things aren't always as they appear. The Christian Alliance for Orphans suggests that while 153 million children are considered orphans by UNICEF (United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund) 17.8 million of those are what we call "double orphans" meaning both parents are deceased. In 101 million of those 153 million children's lives, there is a living mother who for various reasons, is unable or unwilling to provide for her child, and so the child ends up in orphanage or state home. So you see, the issue of birth mother expenses is very real in both domestic and international adoptions. "What's the problem?" you might ask? Let's look at both independently.
In domestic US adoptions, once again, every state has different rules and regulations. Some states offer a list of services or items that can and cannot be purchased or given to a birth mother. So money for counseling is okay, but a car is not. In some states, there is a cap on the amount. For example, Florida says that no more than $5,000 worth of goods can be given to a birth mom... except when there is exceptional need at which point the agency or attorney can petition the court for a larger allowance. Some of you may think these numbers are outrageous and some think it should be more... once again, the issues divide us even if we all want the same things. There are certainly ethical issues involved here making this murky territory. Where is the line drawn between a need and a bribe, and is that line even a permanent thing? What one birth mother may legitimately need, may look like a bribe when given to another birth mother. It's hard. No one is suggesting that babies should become a commodity that is bought and sold. No one is a proponent of offering so much incentive that women become pregnant just to get an apartment for six months, healthcare, food or clothes. But no one wants to force pregnant women out on the street either. It's all just hard. Really, really hard stuff. It's definitely not simple.
International is similarly difficult, but for different reasons. In many of the countries participating in international adoption, there is little or no government regulation... corruption is possible at every turn. And that's not to say that the countries with lots of government oversight don't involve just as much corruption. No one wants to go through international adoption only to learn that a birth mother placed her child for adoption out of monetary incentive, but it happens. And tracking when and how often and why it happens is really hard. Some people are quick to say shut such countries down, they are selling babies. I'll offer you a hypothetical situation to drive the point home:
A birth mother, living on the streets has three children and her daughter has no means of helping the family other than the sex trade industry. She wants a better life for the daughter and she and all of her children are starving, so she approaches a state home and says she'd like to relinquish her daughter. The worker looks on the mother with pity, decides to take the daughter even though she has a living parent, and because the mother is obviously struggling slips the mother $500 for food and a means to get her other children off the street temporarily.Is this bribery? Should the mother have been forced to leave and directed towards aid that helps her keep all members of her family? Should the daughter have been accepted, and no money or aid offered to the mother? Or is it okay to offer the starving, homeless mother aid as she was going to place her daughter for adoption anyway? These scenarios are never simple.
This blog has never shied away from the hard topics, and these issues and deep thoughts have been swirling around in my head for years, but obviously even more so now. So in light of November's spotlight on adoption, I'm diving in. I hope you'll dive with me. I did a similar series last year on fertility treatments, the ethical and faith based concerns, and why it's often not as simple as it appears. As you can see these topics on adoption are hard, and murky in similar ways and it makes for loooooong reads. So I'm breaking this into a few different posts that I'll put up throughout November. My hope is not to scare anyone away from adoption... the Lord knows it's scary enough without adding to the fear factor. My goal is simply to educate and shine a light on adoption and the issues surrounding it. My hope is that everyone would become more aware of adoption... more aware of the options, yes, but also more aware of the hard questions that we all want answers to like, "why does adoption take so long?" and "why is adoption so expensive?". So dive in with me. Even if you know for a fact that adoption isn't in the cards for your family, you may know someone who is going through adoption or you may simply find that you care for orphans and adopted children and want to help in other ways.
Monday, November 3, 2014
The Holidays are Here Again
It's November. I think people say this every year, and it's proably a sign of age, but really, this year has gone by SO fast. In a lot of ways last November feels like only a few weeks ago. Sometimes I have to remind myself that we actually already did IVF; I somehow forget we're not waiting for it to finally get her. I know we've done a lot this year: IVF in January, FET in March, bought a house in May, started the adoption process in September... maybe that's why this year has gone by particularly fast. I don't know why exactly, but waking up on Saturday, November 1st was depressing. I'm not ready for another holiday season.
For a lot of infertile couples, Halloween is hard. There are SO many pictures of cute kids all over Facebook and Instagram. The commercials on TV are all about candy, costumes, and fun family stuff. And then the actual day of Halloween arrives and you have to smile while handing out candy to everyone else's kid. For one reason or another Halloween never really gets me down though, and this year was no different. I'm not sure if that's because Halloween was the least celebrated holiday in my family growing up. Or maybe because I don't hand out candy but rather opt to hide in the house with a frantic dog with a bucket of candy on the porch. Or maybe it's because everyone kept posting these hilarious photos of their kids having meltdowns in their costumes. But for whatever reason, I wasn't sad, or weepy, or whiny on Friday. Well, except for the fact that it was 60 degrees in my house... wahhhhh! Sam and I quietly worked on our puzzle for the adoption fundraiser while singing loudly every time we heard kids in our pathetic attempt to distract Sterling. It was a pleasant (cold) evening and I was fine.
Saturday morning however, I looked at my phone and saw the date. How is it November, already? And then I was suddenly sad. It's the holiday season again, and once again we will celebrate sans children. That pretty much feels like a sucker punch straight to the gut. Especially in light of the fact that even with infertility factored into the equation, I should have a two and a half year old and a new baby to celebrate the holidays with. I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the holidays the least amount I ever have before, and for someone who LOVES Christmas, that's quite a change.
Even though I swore I'd never do Christmas with all of the family again after Christmas 2012, we powered through last year because: IVF, and hope, and all those warm feelings made me semi numb to the holiday season. In November we were frantically dotting the Is and crossing the Ts for our trip to Jacksonville. In December, I was packing and double checking all of my medications and worrying about keeping everything at the optimal temperature. There was just a lot of stuff to take my mind off of all the holiday stuff. This year however, I'm expecting that we'll enter the waiting period right around the Thanksgiving holidays. The home study will be over, the profile books will be ordered (and hopefully mailed)... we'll just be waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
I honestly don't know if I have it in me to do this again. To smile. To laugh. To sit quietly while 20 kids run though the house. To pretend I'm not in pain. There is a huge part of me that simply wants to run away for the holidays. I want to find some cabin in the woods and settle in with my husband and enjoy the holiday the only way I know how (alone). Or as it appears we've already skipped Fall in Georgia and gone straight to winter, maybe a nice tropical vacation. I hear Jamaica is nice this time of year. But let's get real, that's not going to happen. We're saving for a freaking adoption, not long weekends in the mountains or island vacations. The only free holiday is at my mom's, so that's where we'll be. It's time to man up, put on the big girl panties, and find things that I still enjoy about the holidays. Now is not forever... I just need to keep reminding myself over and over and over again.
For a lot of infertile couples, Halloween is hard. There are SO many pictures of cute kids all over Facebook and Instagram. The commercials on TV are all about candy, costumes, and fun family stuff. And then the actual day of Halloween arrives and you have to smile while handing out candy to everyone else's kid. For one reason or another Halloween never really gets me down though, and this year was no different. I'm not sure if that's because Halloween was the least celebrated holiday in my family growing up. Or maybe because I don't hand out candy but rather opt to hide in the house with a frantic dog with a bucket of candy on the porch. Or maybe it's because everyone kept posting these hilarious photos of their kids having meltdowns in their costumes. But for whatever reason, I wasn't sad, or weepy, or whiny on Friday. Well, except for the fact that it was 60 degrees in my house... wahhhhh! Sam and I quietly worked on our puzzle for the adoption fundraiser while singing loudly every time we heard kids in our pathetic attempt to distract Sterling. It was a pleasant (cold) evening and I was fine.
Saturday morning however, I looked at my phone and saw the date. How is it November, already? And then I was suddenly sad. It's the holiday season again, and once again we will celebrate sans children. That pretty much feels like a sucker punch straight to the gut. Especially in light of the fact that even with infertility factored into the equation, I should have a two and a half year old and a new baby to celebrate the holidays with. I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the holidays the least amount I ever have before, and for someone who LOVES Christmas, that's quite a change.
Even though I swore I'd never do Christmas with all of the family again after Christmas 2012, we powered through last year because: IVF, and hope, and all those warm feelings made me semi numb to the holiday season. In November we were frantically dotting the Is and crossing the Ts for our trip to Jacksonville. In December, I was packing and double checking all of my medications and worrying about keeping everything at the optimal temperature. There was just a lot of stuff to take my mind off of all the holiday stuff. This year however, I'm expecting that we'll enter the waiting period right around the Thanksgiving holidays. The home study will be over, the profile books will be ordered (and hopefully mailed)... we'll just be waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
I honestly don't know if I have it in me to do this again. To smile. To laugh. To sit quietly while 20 kids run though the house. To pretend I'm not in pain. There is a huge part of me that simply wants to run away for the holidays. I want to find some cabin in the woods and settle in with my husband and enjoy the holiday the only way I know how (alone). Or as it appears we've already skipped Fall in Georgia and gone straight to winter, maybe a nice tropical vacation. I hear Jamaica is nice this time of year. But let's get real, that's not going to happen. We're saving for a freaking adoption, not long weekends in the mountains or island vacations. The only free holiday is at my mom's, so that's where we'll be. It's time to man up, put on the big girl panties, and find things that I still enjoy about the holidays. Now is not forever... I just need to keep reminding myself over and over and over again.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
This Community
Every single day I am thankful for this community. I have no idea how anyone lives through infertility alone... simply can't imagine. This community of women from different cities, different states, different countries, all come together to support one another during the hardest years of our lives. It's a really beautiful thing. No matter where you are in the journey, you can find someone to walk alongside you. If you're pursuing an egg donor, you're in good company. If you're on your third round of IVF, you're not alone. If your choosing to forgo treatments in hope of a miracle or because you're choosing to live child free, you are guaranteed to find someone who feels just like you. This community is absolutely, hands down, the best part about infertility.
I'm so thankful every day for the connections, the friendships, the stories. When days are good, it's wonderful to have a group of people cheering for you, supporting you, and encouraging you. When things go terribly wrong, this community becomes vital in the blink of an eye. When the rest of the world doesn't know what to do or what to say, our sisters do. We know how to rally. We know how to love. I'm thankful everyday for this blog, that by some small miracle led me to each of you. I don't take that for granted in anyway. Infertility has affected every single part of my life, and most of the time those effects feel negative, but the one thing I can say without a doubt is this: the friendships I've formed here are so positive. These friendships are life breathing in some of the darkest of days. I'm so thankful for the infertility community and all that it brings every day, but today I am particularly thankful.
In case you haven't heard, Jessah's egg donor is Suzanne's gestational carrier... how crazy awesome it that?!? When you hear the stories, you've simply got to stop and say wow. The fact that two blogs from two women on opposite ends of the country walking different journeys ended up at the same clinic on the same day for very different procedures and that somehow that led us to today is mind blowing!
I remember when Jessah first posted about finding her donor, I sobbed, What an incredible gift! What a beautiful opportunity! What a selfless woman, K must be to offer the gift of her eggs! I was so happy for her. But around the same time, everything was falling apart for Suzanne. After the wildest, longest, hardest journey to the transfer, her FET using donor eggs failed. Life isn't supposed to be that hard, people. Suzanne and I discussed surrogacy. And we discussed the cost... and I almost vomited. Renting uterus space and time is expensive. I wanted so badly to find a solution for Suzanne and her husband, but wanting to solve a problem doesn't make you a ready made solution. But then, because of this community, because of the connections we form, because of that one meeting in Colorado, because of the generosity of one woman, Suzanne suddenly had a possible match.
It's been a very long road to today, and there is more road to travel for both of these ladies. Jessah's about half way through her pregnancy and Suzanne is still setting up and finalizing the details for her transfer. But you guys, if these stories don't give you goosebumps and a BIG goofy grin on your face, I don't know what will. Jessah explains in her post that it was meeting Suzanne and hearing her speak about egg donation that gave her and her husband the courage and desire to move forward with egg donation when her cycles at CCRM failed... that in and of itself is a beautiful testimony to this community. Our stories help each other. Our experiences help our friends. When you add in Suzanne's part to the story and you learn how she found K... wow! You guys, this place is so special.
My heart is simply bursting with happiness! Suzanne and her husband signed the contract with K and her husband over the weekend. It's real people! It's going to happen. Two of the longest, hardest journey's among us are going to end well, and not just well, but beautifully! This community just makes me so happy and so thankful! This is a beautiful place made up of beautiful people!
I'm so thankful every day for the connections, the friendships, the stories. When days are good, it's wonderful to have a group of people cheering for you, supporting you, and encouraging you. When things go terribly wrong, this community becomes vital in the blink of an eye. When the rest of the world doesn't know what to do or what to say, our sisters do. We know how to rally. We know how to love. I'm thankful everyday for this blog, that by some small miracle led me to each of you. I don't take that for granted in anyway. Infertility has affected every single part of my life, and most of the time those effects feel negative, but the one thing I can say without a doubt is this: the friendships I've formed here are so positive. These friendships are life breathing in some of the darkest of days. I'm so thankful for the infertility community and all that it brings every day, but today I am particularly thankful.
In case you haven't heard, Jessah's egg donor is Suzanne's gestational carrier... how crazy awesome it that?!? When you hear the stories, you've simply got to stop and say wow. The fact that two blogs from two women on opposite ends of the country walking different journeys ended up at the same clinic on the same day for very different procedures and that somehow that led us to today is mind blowing!
I remember when Jessah first posted about finding her donor, I sobbed, What an incredible gift! What a beautiful opportunity! What a selfless woman, K must be to offer the gift of her eggs! I was so happy for her. But around the same time, everything was falling apart for Suzanne. After the wildest, longest, hardest journey to the transfer, her FET using donor eggs failed. Life isn't supposed to be that hard, people. Suzanne and I discussed surrogacy. And we discussed the cost... and I almost vomited. Renting uterus space and time is expensive. I wanted so badly to find a solution for Suzanne and her husband, but wanting to solve a problem doesn't make you a ready made solution. But then, because of this community, because of the connections we form, because of that one meeting in Colorado, because of the generosity of one woman, Suzanne suddenly had a possible match.
It's been a very long road to today, and there is more road to travel for both of these ladies. Jessah's about half way through her pregnancy and Suzanne is still setting up and finalizing the details for her transfer. But you guys, if these stories don't give you goosebumps and a BIG goofy grin on your face, I don't know what will. Jessah explains in her post that it was meeting Suzanne and hearing her speak about egg donation that gave her and her husband the courage and desire to move forward with egg donation when her cycles at CCRM failed... that in and of itself is a beautiful testimony to this community. Our stories help each other. Our experiences help our friends. When you add in Suzanne's part to the story and you learn how she found K... wow! You guys, this place is so special.
My heart is simply bursting with happiness! Suzanne and her husband signed the contract with K and her husband over the weekend. It's real people! It's going to happen. Two of the longest, hardest journey's among us are going to end well, and not just well, but beautifully! This community just makes me so happy and so thankful! This is a beautiful place made up of beautiful people!
Monday, October 27, 2014
All Exhausting Things Finally Come to an End
I feel like I just ran a marathon... the home study is finished. Well, so close it doesn't count. I've got to pick up one last form from the Police Station this week and fax it in, but otherwise, it's over. We sent our home study application in on October 6th, heard back two days later, and officially started the paperwork on October 11th. We did all three visits within ten days. I never imagined it would go this fast. It has been an absolute whirlwind. I'm incredibly thankful I have a semi-flexible job that allows me to take off work with little notice as I've been all over the place with doctor's appointments, fingerprinting requests, background checks, not to mention the home inspection was Saturday, so Friday was a deep clean/organize kind of day. Thankfully, she wasn't one to check in drawers or under beds.
October passed in an absolute blur. I barely acknowledged the birthdays this month (mine, my mom's, and my husband's). I think Everest was brushed for the first time all month on Friday so the home study inspector didn't find some correlation between tangled cat hair and bad future parent. I have been super neglectful of a lot of things all month, but we've been in overdrive. Now that it's over, I'm obviously completely exhausted. If it gives you any indication, Sam and I got home from our annual camping trip with our friends on Sunday and promptly took a two hour nap (heaven). Sam then proceeded to go to bed for the night at eight o'clock and slept until six this morning. We are beat. October is typically my favorite month of the year, but I'm strangely looking forward to November and a change of pace. Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend, and I am pumped! A- I need some incentive to get up in the morning, and a pitch black bedroom is not one of them, and B- an excuse to go to bed at eight o'clock every night sounds marvelous right about now.
We do still have our profile book to complete, so the stress isn't truly over, but it's waaaaayyy less stressful than the home study. And once it's completed an off to the printer, we're basically done. I'm sure there will still be things to do, but nothing like the last few weeks. I guess that's one great thing about rushing through the home study at warp speed, now that it's over, the hard part is definitely behind us. We're about to enter the period of active waiting, which I should be dreading, as patience is still not my virtue, but really, I'm looking forward to it. Essentially, once we send our home study and profile book off, we'll simply wait. It's a different sort of waiting than a lot of prospective adoptive parents go through, though. In our scenario, we won't get presented to birth mother's unless we but our names forward, which allows us to review the situation ahead of time. As an example, we've seen a few cases with predicted costs as high as $49,000... we won't be putting our names forward for those scenarios. The bad part about this setup is that we will know every time we are presented to a birth mother (and subsequently every time we are not picked)... I'm kind of dreading that part. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I have a feeling the first time it happens, it's going to feel like a kick to the stomach.
So that's about all of the update I have in me today. I'm hoping to finalize the profile book this week, and maybe, just maybe send it to the printer this weekend. After that, we'll start working on the puzzle. So consider this an open invitation to come over to my house if you enjoy puzzles. When I designed the puzzle, I failed to think through our many colors puzzles typically have... ours is a bit monochromatic, which I'm assuming will make this endeavor SUPER fun.
This post feels scattered and disorganized, but I'm too tired to start over. So I'll just end by reminding everyone that Caroline's Stella Dot trunk show is still open for a few more days. Caroline has been extremely sweet to offer this fundraising project, so if you want in on the action, you have until the end of THIS Friday.
October passed in an absolute blur. I barely acknowledged the birthdays this month (mine, my mom's, and my husband's). I think Everest was brushed for the first time all month on Friday so the home study inspector didn't find some correlation between tangled cat hair and bad future parent. I have been super neglectful of a lot of things all month, but we've been in overdrive. Now that it's over, I'm obviously completely exhausted. If it gives you any indication, Sam and I got home from our annual camping trip with our friends on Sunday and promptly took a two hour nap (heaven). Sam then proceeded to go to bed for the night at eight o'clock and slept until six this morning. We are beat. October is typically my favorite month of the year, but I'm strangely looking forward to November and a change of pace. Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend, and I am pumped! A- I need some incentive to get up in the morning, and a pitch black bedroom is not one of them, and B- an excuse to go to bed at eight o'clock every night sounds marvelous right about now.
We do still have our profile book to complete, so the stress isn't truly over, but it's waaaaayyy less stressful than the home study. And once it's completed an off to the printer, we're basically done. I'm sure there will still be things to do, but nothing like the last few weeks. I guess that's one great thing about rushing through the home study at warp speed, now that it's over, the hard part is definitely behind us. We're about to enter the period of active waiting, which I should be dreading, as patience is still not my virtue, but really, I'm looking forward to it. Essentially, once we send our home study and profile book off, we'll simply wait. It's a different sort of waiting than a lot of prospective adoptive parents go through, though. In our scenario, we won't get presented to birth mother's unless we but our names forward, which allows us to review the situation ahead of time. As an example, we've seen a few cases with predicted costs as high as $49,000... we won't be putting our names forward for those scenarios. The bad part about this setup is that we will know every time we are presented to a birth mother (and subsequently every time we are not picked)... I'm kind of dreading that part. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I have a feeling the first time it happens, it's going to feel like a kick to the stomach.
So that's about all of the update I have in me today. I'm hoping to finalize the profile book this week, and maybe, just maybe send it to the printer this weekend. After that, we'll start working on the puzzle. So consider this an open invitation to come over to my house if you enjoy puzzles. When I designed the puzzle, I failed to think through our many colors puzzles typically have... ours is a bit monochromatic, which I'm assuming will make this endeavor SUPER fun.
 |
| 1000 pieces to this bad boy... I've already claimed the red. Sam gets the brown. : ) |
This post feels scattered and disorganized, but I'm too tired to start over. So I'll just end by reminding everyone that Caroline's Stella Dot trunk show is still open for a few more days. Caroline has been extremely sweet to offer this fundraising project, so if you want in on the action, you have until the end of THIS Friday.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Twenty-Nine
Today is my birthday, more specifically my 29th birthday. Now before I even start I know many of you are going to think, "who cares?" or "I'll trade ya'" or "I wish I was twenty-nine again" and I get that. It's not that twenty-nine feels particularly old, in fact twnety-nine suddenly feels very young, you know? I think for every year I age "old" moves two years farther out from my original idea of "old". I'm not old... that's not the problem. The problem is what my twenty-ninth birthday represents.
I've mentioned this before, but somehow as a child, I got the idea into my head that I wanted to be just like my mom and stop having babies at twenty-nine. Well (insert four letter word). In fact, mom didn't just stop at twenty-nine, more specifically she had me five days after her 29th birthday. For some unknown reason, this arbitrary and unrealistic goal followed me from my childhood and into my adult life. I've never been able to shake the idea that I should be done with baby-making before thirty. I remember when Sam and I were dating I tried to express the urgency of the situation... we couldn't expect to have five biological babies before twenty-nine if he kept dragging his feet on the dang engagement.
We got engaged at twenty-three. I knew then somewhere in my head that this was an impossible task. I could not get married and have five children before my thirtieth birthday. I should have kicked this silly, idealistic plan to the curb then, but I didn't. When infertility struck like a sledgehammer to the gut, I should have recognized that there was absolutely zero chance this would happen, unless my idea of a family changed from five to one. And honestly, I guess that's initially what changed. Instead of moving twenty-nine down the road a few years to thirty-five or remove this antiquated finish like altogether, I simply lowered my expectations. Instead of five children, I was hoping for three children. Gracious, I was naive. For any infertile person to have three children in four years would be absolutely wild.
With time, I slowly began to recognize that the twenty-nine deadline was not going to happen. Once again, I had the opportunity to drop the nonsense and move on, simply feeling fulfilled if I ever had a baby, and yet once again, I clung to the birthday as the date I needed to at least start my family. If I could have one baby before my 29th birthday, I would feel satisfied I told myself. From there, I could go on adding to my family without deadlines and checkpoints. Thus the October Baby became so important to me. I mourned that this was simply not meant to be after IVF failed in January. Other than a premature birth (which I would obviously never hope for) there was simply no way I would meet this whimsical idea. And so, I tucked the idea away and moved on, silently and secretly dreading this birthday like the plague.
I'm not going to lie. This birthday hurts. All birthdays take on a special type of pain in the midst of infertility, but this one has extra sting. My mommy friends are quickly moving onto their second and third and (bless them) fourth children. My non mommy friends are most often several years younger than me. I'm stuck in between, not exactly a good fit in any world. As a child, like all good Generation Xers and Millenials I was told I could do anything if I simply worked hard, put my mind to it, and never gave up. Well friends, I did all of the above, and yet here I sit. Now I fully recognize in my cognitive, rational mind that the "you can be anything you want to be" is a lie, but on some level I still hear whispers that I failed.
I have to admit though, despite wanting to kick myself for every giving myself this ridiculous deadline, in some ways, I'm really thankful. I'm so glad I was in a desperate hurry to start having babies so I could fit them all in by twenty-nine. I'm so thankful that my biological clock was shrieking at twenty-four. I'm so thankful that we started trying at twenty-five, just thirteen months after getting married. I'm so thankful I felt burdened to be a young mom, even though I feel like a failure today. I'm thankful because this idea, the deadline, this "hurry-up" feeling has given me the blessing of time. Time we wouldn't otherwise have had if I'd felt I had all the time in the world. Time we wouldn't have had if I'd given myself a more normal deadline of 35 or 40. Now the fact that we're almost four years into this infertility battle doesn't mean time is up, or the door is closed. So while it sucks to feel like I failed, I'm still really thankful to have had such a silly idea in my head for so long.
Twenty-nine is such an odd birthday to have a mini midlife crisis over. Again, the freakout has nothing to do with the idea of being old. I don't look at my friends in their thirties and think of them as old; rather I look at my friends in their mid twenties and think of them as fresh-faced young'uns. This day is not about being old, or one step closer to thirty, it's about failing. In some ways, I guess it's a blessing. This day is finally here, and now I can move forward, leaving the idea behind, embracing the path before me, and forgetting this self-imposed line in the sand. The truth of the matter is, be it twenty-nine or thirty-nine, we will be beyond thrilled to enter parenthood at all. This birthday will pass, and we will move on just as excitedly, just as diligently, just as eagerly on building our families, but today, I'm really missing that October Baby and that First Baby that would have made me a mom so many years ago.
I've mentioned this before, but somehow as a child, I got the idea into my head that I wanted to be just like my mom and stop having babies at twenty-nine. Well (insert four letter word). In fact, mom didn't just stop at twenty-nine, more specifically she had me five days after her 29th birthday. For some unknown reason, this arbitrary and unrealistic goal followed me from my childhood and into my adult life. I've never been able to shake the idea that I should be done with baby-making before thirty. I remember when Sam and I were dating I tried to express the urgency of the situation... we couldn't expect to have five biological babies before twenty-nine if he kept dragging his feet on the dang engagement.
We got engaged at twenty-three. I knew then somewhere in my head that this was an impossible task. I could not get married and have five children before my thirtieth birthday. I should have kicked this silly, idealistic plan to the curb then, but I didn't. When infertility struck like a sledgehammer to the gut, I should have recognized that there was absolutely zero chance this would happen, unless my idea of a family changed from five to one. And honestly, I guess that's initially what changed. Instead of moving twenty-nine down the road a few years to thirty-five or remove this antiquated finish like altogether, I simply lowered my expectations. Instead of five children, I was hoping for three children. Gracious, I was naive. For any infertile person to have three children in four years would be absolutely wild.
With time, I slowly began to recognize that the twenty-nine deadline was not going to happen. Once again, I had the opportunity to drop the nonsense and move on, simply feeling fulfilled if I ever had a baby, and yet once again, I clung to the birthday as the date I needed to at least start my family. If I could have one baby before my 29th birthday, I would feel satisfied I told myself. From there, I could go on adding to my family without deadlines and checkpoints. Thus the October Baby became so important to me. I mourned that this was simply not meant to be after IVF failed in January. Other than a premature birth (which I would obviously never hope for) there was simply no way I would meet this whimsical idea. And so, I tucked the idea away and moved on, silently and secretly dreading this birthday like the plague.
I'm not going to lie. This birthday hurts. All birthdays take on a special type of pain in the midst of infertility, but this one has extra sting. My mommy friends are quickly moving onto their second and third and (bless them) fourth children. My non mommy friends are most often several years younger than me. I'm stuck in between, not exactly a good fit in any world. As a child, like all good Generation Xers and Millenials I was told I could do anything if I simply worked hard, put my mind to it, and never gave up. Well friends, I did all of the above, and yet here I sit. Now I fully recognize in my cognitive, rational mind that the "you can be anything you want to be" is a lie, but on some level I still hear whispers that I failed.
I have to admit though, despite wanting to kick myself for every giving myself this ridiculous deadline, in some ways, I'm really thankful. I'm so glad I was in a desperate hurry to start having babies so I could fit them all in by twenty-nine. I'm so thankful that my biological clock was shrieking at twenty-four. I'm so thankful that we started trying at twenty-five, just thirteen months after getting married. I'm so thankful I felt burdened to be a young mom, even though I feel like a failure today. I'm thankful because this idea, the deadline, this "hurry-up" feeling has given me the blessing of time. Time we wouldn't otherwise have had if I'd felt I had all the time in the world. Time we wouldn't have had if I'd given myself a more normal deadline of 35 or 40. Now the fact that we're almost four years into this infertility battle doesn't mean time is up, or the door is closed. So while it sucks to feel like I failed, I'm still really thankful to have had such a silly idea in my head for so long.
Twenty-nine is such an odd birthday to have a mini midlife crisis over. Again, the freakout has nothing to do with the idea of being old. I don't look at my friends in their thirties and think of them as old; rather I look at my friends in their mid twenties and think of them as fresh-faced young'uns. This day is not about being old, or one step closer to thirty, it's about failing. In some ways, I guess it's a blessing. This day is finally here, and now I can move forward, leaving the idea behind, embracing the path before me, and forgetting this self-imposed line in the sand. The truth of the matter is, be it twenty-nine or thirty-nine, we will be beyond thrilled to enter parenthood at all. This birthday will pass, and we will move on just as excitedly, just as diligently, just as eagerly on building our families, but today, I'm really missing that October Baby and that First Baby that would have made me a mom so many years ago.
Monday, October 20, 2014
So Much to Do
Oh man, you guys, I'm not sure if I've ever been this tired. The last few weeks have been INTENSE. The good news is that we're flying through our home study, the bad news is moving so quickly is A LOT of work.
We had our first home study visit last Thursday after a last minute cancellation on Wednesday. I guess I should clarify really quickly that the "home study" does not always take place in our home... and thank God for that because it's about all I can do to get a load or two of laundry done the last few weeks. The house looks like a tornado came through. Every home study is a little different depending on the state and the social worker, but for ours we have three visits plus eight bazillion pages of paperwork that make up our home study. The first two are outside of our home, it's the final one where they actually come and inspect our home.
Our first visit went pretty well, so thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. I think we were both pretty nervous with so many unknowns, but our case worker is very kind and thus far, not at all like the horror stories you often hear. We aren't expected to have covers on the outlets or child locks on the cabinets... she's a realistic woman that doesn't expect us to live in a baby-ready, toddler-proofed house while we wait. I really appreciate that as I would go CRAZY if I had to live with those constant reminders for a year.
We have our second appointment this Thursday and our final visit, including the home inspection, this Saturday. While I'm thrilled that we will be done with our responsibilities for the home study by Saturday morning, the work required to actually get there is unreal. I picked up a septic tank letter and had a TB test this morning all before going into work. Wednesday I've got to have the test read so I can prove I don't have tuberculous and that my entire reason for adopting is not to spread infectious diseases. Also between now and Saturday morning, we've got to pick up six letters of recommendation, get finger printed by GBI/FBI, conduct a 911 records report in the last two counties that we've lived, and run a criminal background check, not to mention complete our written portions of the home study paperwork.Should be easy, right?
This past weekend we went to the Together for Adoption conference. It was a great experience, we learned a ton, and came back feeling both really encouraged and really overwhelmed. It was unfortunately terrible timing as I had 2.4 million things that needed to get done, but it was also a great escape from the paperwork. The conference was really interesting as it dealt with some heavy issues like ethical concerns within the adoption community. Ethics and social justice have always been things that both interest me and overwhelm me. I, like so many at the conference, want to make sure that everything about this adoption and any future adoption is handled ethically and with the absolute best interest of the children involved. It was also really good for me to be reminded of the root reason I've been interested in adoption for so many years... not simply family building but also kingdom building. In light of infertility, adoption has seemed so much about what we are gaining...and we are gaining much through adoption. That will always be at the forefront of my mind; adoption gave us the opportunity for a family. However, the conference reminded me that adoption could also be incredibly life changing for our son or daughter. We may have the opportunity to break generational chains of poverty, alcohol and drug abuse, criminal records, etc. Obviously not every child is put up for adoption in America for such reasons, and we will happily help a college student who wants to place her child so that she can continue her education, but the reality is that many of the birth moms are placing their babies for adoption because they are dealing with drug addiction, they are homeless, or have no financial means to care for another child. It was good for me to be reminded that good can come from this for all of those involved.
We will hopefully get our home study report back sometime next week, at which point we can begin to present ourselves to birth mothers... except that we have nothing to present ourselves with. My bad. We've been SO focused on the home study that the profile book has slipped a bit. I'm hoping to edit out profile text and resubmit that to our consultant for review today. From there, I'll need to begin putting our book together. Once we have books in hand and and the home study report submitted, we can begin to present ourselves to birth mothers. Adoption, is much like infertility treatments I've found... a lot of hurry up and wait.
So if I fall off the face of the earth and forget this little blog entirely, you can find me under a pile of paperwork or starting to put our puzzle together for the puzzle fundraiser.
This past weekend we went to the Together for Adoption conference. It was a great experience, we learned a ton, and came back feeling both really encouraged and really overwhelmed. It was unfortunately terrible timing as I had 2.4 million things that needed to get done, but it was also a great escape from the paperwork. The conference was really interesting as it dealt with some heavy issues like ethical concerns within the adoption community. Ethics and social justice have always been things that both interest me and overwhelm me. I, like so many at the conference, want to make sure that everything about this adoption and any future adoption is handled ethically and with the absolute best interest of the children involved. It was also really good for me to be reminded of the root reason I've been interested in adoption for so many years... not simply family building but also kingdom building. In light of infertility, adoption has seemed so much about what we are gaining...and we are gaining much through adoption. That will always be at the forefront of my mind; adoption gave us the opportunity for a family. However, the conference reminded me that adoption could also be incredibly life changing for our son or daughter. We may have the opportunity to break generational chains of poverty, alcohol and drug abuse, criminal records, etc. Obviously not every child is put up for adoption in America for such reasons, and we will happily help a college student who wants to place her child so that she can continue her education, but the reality is that many of the birth moms are placing their babies for adoption because they are dealing with drug addiction, they are homeless, or have no financial means to care for another child. It was good for me to be reminded that good can come from this for all of those involved.
We will hopefully get our home study report back sometime next week, at which point we can begin to present ourselves to birth mothers... except that we have nothing to present ourselves with. My bad. We've been SO focused on the home study that the profile book has slipped a bit. I'm hoping to edit out profile text and resubmit that to our consultant for review today. From there, I'll need to begin putting our book together. Once we have books in hand and and the home study report submitted, we can begin to present ourselves to birth mothers. Adoption, is much like infertility treatments I've found... a lot of hurry up and wait.
So if I fall off the face of the earth and forget this little blog entirely, you can find me under a pile of paperwork or starting to put our puzzle together for the puzzle fundraiser.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)