It's Not That Simple

November is Adoption Awareness month. I thought I was aware. I thought I understood. I mean what's so hard to understand? Internationally there are an estimated 153 million orphans. Domestically, there are birth families that are unwilling or unable to care for their children. Those two things combined means we have a lot of children in the world who need parents. I thought I understood. It seems so simple: just move the children around the world from the orphanages, state homes, and foster homes into permanent, loving, forever families. It's not a hard concept, but it's not that simple.

Let me be the first to tell you, nothing about adoption is simple... not one thing. It seems like it should be, but it's not. It's why so many well-meaning people offer adoption as an end to the pain of infertility. "Have you thought about adoption?" they ask, as if thinking about adoption for half a second gets you from point A to point B in a snap. Often times it seems so simple for these people: there are children who need families. You have a family and need a child. Unite the two and, voilà... you kill two birds with one stone, right? Let me tell you, I've thought about adoption. I've thought and I've thought. I've read and then I've read some more. It's no clearer today than yesterday or last year; in fact, the more I learn, the more murky the entire topic becomes.

The one thing you'll learn quickly about adoption is this: things aren't always as they appear. Set even one tiny toe into the adoption and foster care world and you'll learn really quickly that there are two (or more), typically very good arguments, for every single facet. In light of the recent election, think of it like Democrats and Republicans... both say that they are for the US government. Neither party runs on platforms purporting to ruin or overthrow the government. Both groups want to help the US citizens, but if you talk to an extreme leftist about the right, holy moly, right? And it's exactly the same with the other side. It's kind of similar in the adoption world. On every topic, you've got opposing view points. Neither group is hoping for anything but the best for all children in need of loving homes, but they often have very different views about what that means, how to achieve it, etc.

Now please, don't for one second think we're not moving forward with adoption. We are plowing through and pushing forward, while also holding onto everything as loosely as possible. We want a baby and it is our complete desire to adopt a baby, but that doesn't make it is simple or easy or cheap. And that's frustrating. So lets take a moment and look into why adoption is not any of those things.

Adoption is not simple. It's not, not at all. I would say the easiest adoption scenario imaginable would be this: A family is looking to adopt. They get in touch with a woman who is looking to put her child up for adoption due to financial or educational reasons. The birth father is in the picture, but also uninterested in parenting. Both biological parents sign. There is no drug or alcohol use. All parties are of the same race. Oh and, the birth mother requests no aid of any kind during or after the adoption... that would be the easiest, simplest adoption. Why? Well, any time any one of those things changes, you've got a entire group with very strong opinions about what should be done in that scenario.

How about a few examples?

Example 1: The birth mother is willing, but the birth father is not, or at least not willing to sign. This is mostly a domestic adoption issue, but it's a common one and the scenario is different every time. A lot depends on the birth mother's state. Which is weird... in one state birth dad has no rights and in another the adoption can't go forward without his signature. Some states require males to list sexual partners on a registry in case they are ever listed as a birth father. Some states care only about financial contribution during the pregnancy. There are different rules for every scenario and just as many opinions on what rights a birth father should or should not have... and lets be clear: no one set of rules will work for every scenario. Sometimes the biological father is unknown, sometimes the biological father is missing, sometimes the biological father is refusing to sign because he would like to parent, sometimes he is refusing our of malice (a she hurt him, now he'll hurt her scenario)... the list goes on and on. It is anything but simple.

Example 2: Lets say one or two parties involved is of a different race. There are wildly different opinions on this topic, and I'm not even getting in to all of that here any more than to say this: Racism is real and still prevalent in our world. It is universal in the US and abroad. We think of racism as black and white here in the US, and that is obviously still a huge part of it, but racism exists in hundreds of other scenarios too. And parties on both sides of the disputes recognize that racism still exists to some degree or another, but they have very different opinions about how adoption plays into that. Some would say take the neediest child, and if that child is of a different race, then so be it. He/she has a need and now it's met by loving parents who just happen to be of a different race. Others would say if your dining room table of friends and family isn't as diverse as your child, you have no business adopting a child of a different race. Those two statements probably offended a whole slew of people... believe me, somehow both offend me at different times. My point isn't to argue, but just to say this: any time you add race into the picture it becomes messy, even if by "adding race" you're excluding race. Some will call you racist for choosing not to bring an African American baby or a baby from China into your family, while others will applaud you for not subjecting a child to a life with people who do not look similar, share history, understand the culture. Race and racism makes adoption the opposite of simple.

Example 3: The birth mother has financial need. This issue varies wildly based on whether it's an international or domestic adoption. In an international situation, you may wonder why there is a birth mother at all... aren't we talking about orphans after all? Well, remember things aren't always as they appear. The Christian Alliance for Orphans suggests that while 153 million children are considered orphans by UNICEF (United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund) 17.8 million of those are what we call "double orphans" meaning both parents are deceased. In 101 million of those 153 million children's lives, there is a living mother who for various reasons, is unable or unwilling to provide for her child, and so the child ends up in orphanage or state home. So you see, the issue of birth mother expenses is very real in both domestic and international adoptions. "What's the problem?" you might ask? Let's look at both independently.

In domestic US adoptions, once again, every state has different rules and regulations. Some states offer a list of services or items that can and cannot be purchased or given to a birth mother. So money for counseling is okay, but a car is not. In some states, there is a cap on the amount. For example, Florida says that no more than $5,000 worth of goods can be given to a birth mom... except when there is exceptional need at which point the agency or attorney can petition the court for a larger allowance. Some of you may think these numbers are outrageous and some think it should be more... once again, the issues divide us even if we all want the same things. There are certainly ethical issues involved here making this murky territory. Where is the line drawn between a need and a bribe, and is that line even a permanent thing? What one birth mother may legitimately need, may look like a bribe when given to another birth mother. It's hard. No one is suggesting that babies should become a commodity that is bought and sold. No one is a proponent of offering so much incentive that women become pregnant just to get an apartment for six months, healthcare, food or clothes. But no one wants to force pregnant women out on the street either. It's all just hard. Really, really hard stuff. It's definitely not simple.

International is similarly difficult, but for different reasons. In many of the countries participating in international adoption, there is little or no government regulation... corruption is possible at every turn. And that's not to say that the countries with lots of government oversight don't involve just as much corruption. No one wants to go through international adoption only to learn that a birth mother placed her child for adoption out of monetary incentive, but it happens. And tracking when and how often and why it happens is really hard. Some people are quick to say shut such countries down, they are selling babies. I'll offer you a hypothetical situation to drive the point home:

A birth mother, living on the streets has three children and her daughter has no means of helping the family other than the sex trade industry. She wants a better life for the daughter and she and all of her children are starving, so she approaches a state home and says she'd like to relinquish her daughter. The worker looks on the mother with pity, decides to take the daughter even though she has a living parent, and because the mother is obviously struggling slips the mother $500 for food and a means to get her other children off the street temporarily. 

Is this bribery? Should the mother have been forced to leave and directed towards aid that helps her keep all members of her family? Should the daughter have been accepted, and no money or aid offered to the mother? Or is it okay to offer the starving, homeless mother aid as she was going to place her daughter for adoption anyway? These scenarios are never simple.

This blog has never shied away from the hard topics, and these issues and deep thoughts have been swirling around in my head for years, but obviously even more so now. So in light of November's spotlight on adoption, I'm diving in. I hope you'll dive with me. I did a similar series last year on fertility treatments, the ethical and faith based concerns, and why it's often not as simple as it appears. As you can see these topics on adoption are hard, and murky in similar ways and it makes for loooooong reads. So I'm breaking this into a few different posts that I'll put up throughout November. My hope is not to scare anyone away from adoption... the Lord knows it's scary enough without adding to the fear factor. My goal is simply to educate and shine a light on adoption and the issues surrounding it. My hope is that everyone would become more aware of adoption... more aware of the options, yes, but also more aware of the hard questions that we all want answers to like, "why does adoption take so long?" and "why is adoption so expensive?". So dive in with me. Even if you know for a fact that adoption isn't in the cards for your family, you may know someone who is going through adoption or you may simply find that you care for orphans and adopted children and want to help in other ways.