And So It Begins

I've been posting a good bit about adoption lately, but I haven't been posting about my adoption much. It wasn't intentional, no big secrets or anything. I guess the thing about the adoption journey is there's typically no news until there's NEWS, you know what I mean? We've been semi-patiently waiting for our final home study (read, not patiently at all) and frantically working to complete our profile book. As of Friday evening, both are officially done. We received an email pdf of the home study (paper copy should arrive today) and I ordered twelve copies of our profile. As soon as we have those in hand, we'll be ready to take our next step and apply with a couple of different agencies/attorneys.

For now we've decided to apply with two. It's a delicate balancing act. Obviously the more agencies or attorneys we apply with the more opportunities we will have, but the more money we will spend too. We are desperately trying to be good stewards of both our own money and the money that has so generously been gifted to us. It would be easy to apply for every scenario we see… we'd most likely be matched in no time, but we'd also watch this adoption climb north of 50 or 60 thousand dollars really fast. We're trying to be patient and wait and pray that the right opportunity will come.

Ironically enough, that opportunity may have presented itself. Not twenty four hours after I ordered twelve copies of our profile book, I received an email from our adoption consultant. It's a very confusing process to explain, but essentially we can apply with several attorneys or agencies, but we also receive scenarios through our consultant. She is not the contact for the birth mothers, but rather she has contacts in the adoption community and she forwards these scenarios on to her clients when they come to her. We've seen approximately fifteen scenarios since we started working with our consultant. We've never applied for any of them before as a home study is typically required. We've used this time more to familiarize ourselves with the process, what information we will and won't receive, and to stretch our muscles of discernment as we review these cases.

Let me tell you, I can pretend all I want to, but it feels extremely different when you read a scenario that you know you can't apply for verses the real deal. I don't know what it was about Saturday… I don't know if the situation was just that good, or if the fact that the home study document was sitting in my inbox, but I suddenly felt anxious/nervous/excited… I'd say it was reminiscent of the IUI days. All those butterflies in my stomach while I waited for them to call me back with the wash results as I climbed on the table. I still feel that way.

Our original plan was to wait to put our names forward until we had $10,000. It was an arbitrary line as we still don't know exactly how much this adoption will cost, but we're trying to be wise and patient. We do not have 10K yet, but well, patience has never been and will never be my virtue. We've decided to put our names forward for this situation. Our very first time. It feels monumental in some ways, but I think I'll probably feel differently in a few days… after doing this ten or twenty times, I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune. I don't feel at liberty to share many of the details of the case on the blog… we're just presenting and very well may not make it beyond the mailing of our profile. But I will share this: baby is due SOON, like so soon my mind is both blown by amazement and terrified by the ten thousand lists I was supposed to get to make and check off before a baby ever crossed the threshold of my home.

I guess that's really the take away here… I've felt in control of this whole adoption thing. Thus far, it moved at my pace (for the most part); if I don't turn in paperwork we stall, but if I bust my butt we move forward. I'm in control of when and how often we're presented. I have final say, or so it felt... until now. It's all an illusion friends… this thing is so far out of my control. In my head, I know this is probably a one in a million shot. I have no idea how many other prospective adoptive parents we're up against, but my guess would be thirty... so a one in thirty chance of even being chosen. My head knows not to get too excited because this could be a long road of putting ourselves out there over and over and over again. My heart on the other hand, is a whimsical, sorry creature that simply will. not. learn. no matter how many times it is crushed and smooshed like a bug. If I had to describe my feelings right now, it would most closely align to the first IUI. That first IUI felt SO HUGE. I remember feeling like THIS COULD BE IT while waiting for the nurse to call us back. And then six minutes later I had been inseminated and it was over, please and thank you. But ohhhh the hope. My head knows not to get too excited, to reign the emotions in, to protect the heart, but truth be told, I feel like I just overnighted my heart in a little envelope.

And so it begins, my friends, and so it begins.