Tune My Heart

Man, this adoption stuff is not for the faint of heart. This has quite possibly been the longest week ever. The best way I can describe it would be the beta day that never ends. Imagine you wake up for your beta, believing that today, one way or another, you'll be put out of your misery... it'll either be positive with much rejoicing or negative with much weeping, but either way you'll know. Except, imagine that you wait all day long, but your phone never rings. You wake up the next day just knowing that your nurse will call any minute and the wait will finally be over. But the phone doesn't ring. You wait all day, but it never rings. No news at all. Now imagine that this scenario is on repeat, day after day, after day. That's what this week has felt like. I am emotionally exhausted and I've said on more than one occasion that I am not cut out for this. The wait makes me into a crazy person.

The wait can really start to alter your thoughts too. I started off reading the profile of this mother last Saturday feeling really sad for her. All of these scenarios are sad... many are really frustrating too, but they are all sad. I started off the week simply praying for the birth mom. I wanted her to find clarity and peace with her decision, whether that was to parent or place the child for adoption. Believe me, I'm not interested in adopting someone's baby if that person wants to parent... does that make sense?But as the days wore on, my thoughts slowly began to shift away from her and her needs to me and my needs. And then I read this:

And, oh, how my heart needs tuning! I forget His goodness. I forget there are “streams of mercy, never ceasing.” I forget that I’m already accepted, covered, held, known, beloved. And when I forget that I’m His cherished daughter, I start hustling for my worth. Grasping for “good” as if I don’t already have access to the Giver of every good thing. 

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. 

I’d never play a song with an out of tune guitar, but so often (too often) I am willing to live with a heart that is out of tune. Dissonant. Fearful. Discontent. Ashamed. All because I don’t take the time to restore my heart to its rightful place, to a place of gratitude for a Love that will never leave me.

I love She Reads Truth... It's not always the meatiest, but the commentary reads like a conversation between friends. It's typically spot on and really refreshing. This particular excerpt is from a devotional on the hymn "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". It hit me as I read this that this next phase of the adoption process is going to be about repeatedly tuning my heart, over and over and over again. 

It's easy to start with the best of intentions. That's exactly how I felt last Saturday. I remember reading through the profile and praying for that unborn baby and asking The Lord to provide THE BEST for this child... whether that be the birth mom, us, or another prospective adoptive couple. But after a few days, the anxiety, the fear, the hope, the dreams it started to affect my heart. By Thursday, I was in a different mindset. Anxiety over being rejected, fear of never being picked, hope of bringing home a baby, and dreams for our future pulled my heart away from wanting the absolute best for this birth mom and baby. Instead my focus turned inward to MY needs and MY future. It happened so fast. 

I'll tell you this, this part of adoption feels completely foreign from fertility treatments. When I was waiting for beta, I felt justified in some way for praying for life. God is good, and He is the creator of life, so it felt natural to ask for life for my womb. But this feels very different. This is a child, and a woman, and a man, and potentially other family members... It seems insane to ask that they not keep their family together. But in the midst of me and my sadness and anxiety it's easy to inch that direction. So yeah, this process is going to be one long, continuous tuning of my heart. This is certainly not all about me... my heart's got to remember that. 

We're still waiting to hear one way or another, but I'm feeling better today. The crazy anxiety left over the weekend. I'd definitely like to know one way or another, but I think I can give my keyboard a rest and only refresh my email once every 20-30 minutes now, verses every 2.4 seconds... it's progress friends. My heart is going to need continuous tuning, but I'll get there.