The Holidays are Here Again

It's November. I think people say this every year, and it's proably a sign of age, but really, this year has gone by SO fast. In a lot of ways last November feels like only a few weeks ago. Sometimes I have to remind myself that we actually already did IVF; I somehow forget we're not waiting for it to finally get her. I know we've done a lot this year: IVF in January, FET in March, bought a house in May, started the adoption process in September... maybe that's why this year has gone by particularly fast. I don't know why exactly, but waking up on Saturday, November 1st was depressing. I'm not ready for another holiday season.

For a lot of infertile couples, Halloween is hard. There are SO many pictures of cute kids all over Facebook and Instagram. The commercials on TV are all about candy, costumes, and fun family stuff. And then the actual day of Halloween arrives and you have to smile while handing out candy to everyone else's kid. For one reason or another Halloween never really gets me down though, and this year was no different. I'm not sure if that's because Halloween was the least celebrated holiday in my family growing up. Or maybe because I don't hand out candy but rather opt to hide in the house with a frantic dog with a bucket of candy on the porch. Or maybe it's because everyone kept posting these hilarious photos of their kids having meltdowns in their costumes. But for whatever reason, I wasn't sad, or weepy, or whiny on Friday. Well, except for the fact that it was 60 degrees in my house... wahhhhh! Sam and I quietly worked on our puzzle for the adoption fundraiser while singing loudly every time we heard kids in our pathetic attempt to distract Sterling. It was a pleasant (cold) evening and I was fine.

Saturday morning however, I looked at my phone and saw the date. How is it November, already? And then I was suddenly sad. It's the holiday season again, and once again we will celebrate sans children. That pretty much feels like a sucker punch straight to the gut. Especially in light of the fact that even with infertility factored into the equation, I should have a two and a half year old and a new baby to celebrate the holidays with. I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the holidays the least amount I ever have before, and for someone who LOVES Christmas, that's quite a change.

Even though I swore I'd never do Christmas with all of the family again after Christmas 2012, we powered through last year because: IVF, and hope, and all those warm feelings made me semi numb to the holiday season. In November we were frantically dotting the Is and crossing the Ts for our trip to Jacksonville. In December, I was packing and double checking all of my medications and worrying about keeping everything at the optimal temperature. There was just a lot of stuff to take my mind off of all the holiday stuff. This year however, I'm expecting that we'll enter the waiting period right around the Thanksgiving holidays. The home study will be over, the profile books will be ordered (and hopefully mailed)... we'll just be waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

I honestly don't know if I have it in me to do this again. To smile. To laugh. To sit quietly while 20 kids run though the house. To pretend I'm not in pain. There is a huge part of me that simply wants to run away for the holidays. I want to find some cabin in the woods and settle in with my husband and enjoy the holiday the only way I know how (alone). Or as it appears we've already skipped Fall in Georgia and gone straight to winter, maybe a nice tropical vacation. I hear Jamaica is nice this time of year. But let's get real, that's not going to happen. We're saving for a freaking adoption, not long weekends in the mountains or island vacations. The only free holiday is at my mom's, so that's where we'll be. It's time to man up, put on the big girl panties, and find things that I still enjoy about the holidays. Now is not forever... I just need to keep reminding myself over and over and over again.