Faith and Fertility Treatments (part 1)

Let me preface this post by saying I am in no way an authority on this topic. I can't tell you how many hours over the last few years I've spent thinking, reading, searching for answers. The bottom line is this: the following two part series (yep, series) includes the conclusions that I have come to. They are what works for my family and the way we plan to move forward. If your family chooses or has chosen a different path or a different view, I may disagree, but I don't hold that against you. This is a highly sensitive subject, so let us agree to step into the deep end and tread these waters with a whole lot of grace.

I am a Christian. And I am infertile. For some reason, these two things seem to bump into each other a lot. From day one infertility beat up on my faith. I remember wondering if I was being punished, if I was unfit in the Lord's eyes for motherhood... I asked a lot of questions in those early days. The hardest issue for me to grapple with was prayer and faith in terms of infertility. Ultimately the question came down to this: should we seek treatment or should we simply pray about it? Initially, I wondered if choosing treatment meant that I didn't believe in prayer, believe in the power of prayer. At the time I first made my decision, only two people in my world knew about my infertility. My dilemma wasn't due to feeling judged or persecuted for my decision... no one knew I was making it. As I'm now about to embark on IVF, you can ascertain where I eventually came down on that decision.

But it wasn't a one time thing... I've had to ask myself at each and every step along the way if I should continue down this path. When I initially chose treatment, I was putting my toe in, per se, to see if the water was warm. We were just choosing an oral medication (clomid) to increase the chances of ovulation, but it seemed monumental at the time. And then the next decision was upon us: do we stop here, or do we move forward? It's one of the reasons I'm often thankful for our financial situation; it made us stop, made us pause long enough to think. If you had asked me 10 years ago how I felt about IVF, I'd have told you no way, not for me, I don't want to play God. So am I letting my circumstances change my morals, or was I simply an uninformed, opinionated, seemingly fertile teenager? Ultimately, I believe it is the latter. But I still believe some of the same things I did as a teenager. I've just learned that this is a really, really murky world. There is no black and white here; if you're looking for that, turn and run away, because if you really dive in you'll see that it's gray... gray, gray, gray.

I've also been forced to question my decision to pursue treatment over and over again because of the questions and comments I have received along the way. I have often felt judged for "not having enough faith". People tell me stories all the time about their sister, mother, cousin, best friend, etc. who couldn't have children but they prayed or they went to a healing service and then they became pregnant. I'm never sure exactly what I should to do with those conversations. While I'm thrilled for their sister, mother cousin, etc, I never know if this is a thinly veiled remark on my faith (or lack there of). Are they sharing simply to share God's power and encourage me on my way, or to suggest that if I prayed harder, I wouldn't need IVF? I never know. Am I being overly sensitive? Possibly. This is a sensitive subject. But it often feels as if the group of women who choose not to pursue treatment for whatever reason are championed more... like those pursuing treatments are cheating in some way.

So let me tell you what I've come to believe is true: I can do IVF 100 times with the best doctors in the wold, but if the Lord doesn't breathe life, no amount of science will bring me a baby. So why then does the Lord seem to breathe life only for those embryos to fail? Why then does He breathe life and allow miscarriage? Why then does He bless a woman who does not want a child and will eventually choose abortion? I do not know; I am not God. But I really, really believe that the Lord will either bless our journey through fertility treatments with a baby, or He won't, and the outcome has nothing to do with the fact that we chose treatment. His ways are higher than my ways. I do not feel confident that we will leave IVF with a baby. Why? Because God has not promised me a baby. Not via IVF, or adoption, or by any other means. And I don't believe that I can extrapolate God's promise to Sarah or Hannah from the Bible onto my life and my circumstances. And so I embark on IVF with no confidence in our success, but full confidence that my God loves me and is for me.

Choosing treatment, in my opinion, doesn't negate my faith or diminish it, no more than is true for a person seeking a lung transplant for Cystic Fibrosis or a patient seeking chemotherapy for breast cancer. In addition, the fact that I chose treatment does not mean that I decided not to pray over our circumstances. I don't believe that this is an either/or scenario. I'm choosing treatment and I'm on my knees at the same time, asking for blessings, asking for peace, asking for provision. So to those who would look at an infertile couple pursuing treatments and judge, I would simply ask you this: if you were diagnosed with a treatable disease today, not a deadly one, just a life changing one, would you do as your doctor recommends, or would you say no thank you and turn to prayer? If the latter is your answer, good for you; I suppose you can judge those of us pursuing treatment. But if your answer is the former, I would caution you to approach these circumstances with as much grace as you can muster.

Like I said, it's murky water out here in the deep end. If you dive in, you won't know what's up and what's down. This is tough stuff that requires a lot of pondering, questioning, asking, and listening. There are moral and ethical decisions tied up in fertility treatments whether you are a Christian or not, whether you acknowledge them or not. So stay tuned for part 2 of Faith and Fertility Treatments.