Sunshine and Roses

For several days now I've had every intention of responding to all of the lovely blog awards floating around the blogosphere these days. For some reason, people keep nominating me for the Sunshine Award... I imagine my mom gets a kick out of that. I think I was seven years old the first time I she told me I needed to be more positive. Sorry mom. It doesn't seem that I ever grew out of my pessimistic realistic ways.

But you guys, I just can't do it. I can't drum up a post of happiness and sunshine amidst all of the sadness that seems to have struck the infertility community. Some days it just seems so unfair. Why do the women who spend years trying to get pregnant, who take out loans and second mortgages just to pay for treatment, why, when it seems it is all finally coming together, are their dreams turned to nightmares, their hopes dashed? It just doesn't make any sense. I know that the world is full of the unfair; we live in a broken world. But some days, I just want kick my feet and scream because my friends don't deserve this.

My heart is broken for Holly right now, as I know many of yours are. She has fought so hard for this pregnancy. She has already suffered loss, both before this pregnancy and during. This is her second time going through a fresh IVF cycle and her third transfer. She transferred three embryos, saw THREE heartbeats, but sadly lost baby B at nine weeks. This pregnancy has already been filled with extreme highs and extreme lows. And now this. On the heels of her gender reveal her water broke at 17 weeks. Brinly, her precious daughter, is not expected to survive. There is no fluid surrounding her sweet girl. It is heartbreaking! Her son, Jude, is in a lot of danger too. Holly could go into labor at any time and obviously, at 17 weeks, there is nothing anyone can do to save either of her children. Holly is so strong. I know she'll get though this no matter what the outcome is, but it is just so, so sad that she even has to deal with this. I just want her to bring her babies home.

Sadly, Holly isn't the only mama to be struggling mightily with loss here lately. Conceptionally Challenged just lost her twins. Her membranes ruptured at just shy of 20 weeks and she ended up delivering both babies two days later. My heart broke reading about her labor and delivery story. I literally cannot fathom the kind of strength that it takes to unexpectedly deliver your first born in the bathroom at 20 weeks.... can. not. imagine.

These are just a couple of the late term crises that have come up in the month of October... I know there are several more out there dealing with PPROM or birth defects or other issues. It's really sad... really, really sad. At what point can a woman celebrate, and decorate, and feel confident in her pregnancy? I know for so many infertile women this is a huge issue they have to overcome... the fear of losing the pregnancy can be debilitating. I know for me, as I approach IVF for the first time in just a little over two months, I do so solemnly. I'm taking nothing for granted and recognizing that IVF is just the first step in a very long road towards a baby. Thoughts and questions have been swirling around in my head for the last few weeks... all the "what ifs?" and the "what do we do whens?". Some days the distance between point A (here, preIVF, no baby) and point B (there, bring home baby) seems so far... it's daunting. Who am I to think that my IVF will be successful when so many other beautiful women that I love and care so much for fail? Why do I think my pregnancy will be any different than Holly's or The Unexpected Trip's?

I'm so sorry to fill up the blog with sadness and despair. I know that my God is still God even when things look bleak. That He is a God of miracles, even if it's not the miracle we are looking for. I believe He is in control, but some days I'm still really, really mad. Today is one of those days. I promise I'll be back soon with a more balanced display of sunshine and clouds. Today, I'm somber as I envision the road before me and pray for my friends. Join me in sending lots of love to all of the ladies who have recently lost their precious babies and to Holly who is currently fighting for hers.