I swear you guys, I was all prepared to write a happy, optimistic post about blogger love, but I just can't. Not after this. I've sobbed for the last half hour. I'm sure my coworkers think my dog died. My makeup is gone... no signs that I even tried to get ready this morning. But ughhh, my heart is just so broken! I can't imagine living through what Holly and her husband experienced last night. Just reading about it tears my heart to shreds and scares me half to death.
Holly, even in her darkest hour, is concerned for her pregnant friends. She doesn't want them to be afraid. She keeps explaining just how rare the condition is, how unlikely it would be for any of her friends to experience the same condition. I'm not even pregnant and I'm scared. I think I've seen too much. I know too much. I've heard too many heartbreaking stories to believe that two pink lines means a baby. Hell, I'm not sure I believe the second trimester or even a positive anatomy scan means a bring home baby. Holly had all of those things, and now this.
And Holly isn't the only one. My sweet friend Caroline just passed the due date for her precious son, Jackson Dean. But of course Caroline doesn't have Jackson at home with her because he passed away just a few short hours after his birth over three months ago. She's now gearing up for a FET. There is so much strength there; it's really astounding.
I've never experienced a pregnancy... not really. For the last twenty years or so I've thought of pregnancy as this beautiful wonderland of fluffy clouds and wildflowers... what could be better? Pregnant women just glow, right? The experience of a pregnancy was actually part of the reason I wanted to pursue IVF rather than adoption... I wanted the experience. But after all I've seen, all I've read, all I've heard, pregnancy is starting to look and sound like the perfect cocktail for a mental breakdown. I've always been a fearful person. I'm not a risk taker... like, at all. I never learned to ride a bike because "what if I fall?" I'm not adventurous. I've never said "lets try it, just once". I typically stick to the safe, easy, tried and true method of things. IVF is not safe, easy, nor tried and true for me. It's adventurous, it's unknown, it's scary.
The days on the calendar are ticking by at some kind of crazy rate all of a sudden. For years, I have felt like the days were barely moving, like I couldn't wait one more minute to get there. But now that there is a date on the calendar, time is flying. And I'm scared. I'm scared of the medications. I don't do medication well... I have to be in a lot of pain to even take Tylenol (because what if it causes liver damage?). I'm the person who should not read the warning labels on medications because I will suddenly manifest all of the above. And IVF meds are no joke, so I'm scared. Scared of the risks I'm willing to take with my health both now and later to achieve this dream. I'm terrified of the needles. I know we already sort of conquered this with the last IUI... but lets get real. Follistim is the smallest needle available. And it isn't even a painful medication. It's not viscous. It doesn't burn. It's the easiest of all of the meds. The big boys are still to come. Risa just wrote a post about progesterone in oil... I'm pretty sure I swallowed bile. I'm terrified of the needles to come. I'm afraid of the pain from growing 20-30 eggs, afraid of the egg retrieval, the anesthesia, the risk of OHSS... it's all just really scary.
But the fear doesn't end there. Then there's the fear of failure. The fear of a broken heart, one that is far more severely broken than anything I've dealt with to date. I have assumed that even if it worked, I'd be afraid. I've seen two pink lines before... I know that fear well. But at some point, at some magical place I have assumed the fear would end. That the fluffy clouds would descend and the wildflowers would bloom and pregnancy would be this blissful wonderland of discomfort and nausea and pure AWESOMENESS. But now I'm not so sure. Will I ever be able to embrace a pregnancy and say "this, this is my bring home baby"? Today, it doesn't seem like it.
But the truth is, there is no easy way forward. IVF is fraught with danger and fear. There's no way around it... just got to go through it. Adoption isn't the fearless path either. I assure you, Erika is afraid of losing Ellison. The path from here to motherhood is going to be a scary thing. There doesn't seem to be any way around it. Even if I got pregnant on my own, without IVF, I would be afraid. I know too much.
The bible is filled with calls for faith, for trust... "Do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Isaiah 43:5) I am not Peter... I don't think I'd ever crawl out of that boat. But I'm asking the Lord to lead me through, to give me faith, to make me fearless. It's a long way from where I stand today to where I want to be. A long time to work on this fearful heart.
Please join me in continuing to pray for Holly, Darren, and baby Jude.
Thinking of all these ladies!! There has been a lot of heartache, but so much joy too! So much life that the Lord is bringing. Remember every time you have any the littlest sense of fear enter your mind, that is never ever ever from the Lord. It's 100% ALWAYS the enemy. He is trying to steal, kill and destroy what the Lord is trying to bring life to. 2 Timothy 1:7 and John 10:10!! Hope this finds you encouraged today, friend!
ReplyDeleteIt is scary. Like you said, I feel like I know too much and worry I'll never be able to fully enjoy a pregnancy if I ever achieve one. Sometimes my only comfort is knowing that God is in control. I never thought about infertility as "crawling out of that boat," but it's a good parallel.
ReplyDeleteI have been in tears this morning for Holly and Darren as well. My heart hurts so bad for them. It is a scary process for sure, but Christ and his light are leading me. The shots I am currently taking for IVF aren't fun but I am trying to make the best of it and I have faith that you can too!
ReplyDeleteWhen you experience infertility, no path is easy. I worry all of the time. And I know if we were pursuing adoption we would have the same fear. Here is what helps me : this is just preparing us to be parents cause from what I hear parents worry all the time! This is just practice. When they get here we will worry about what the eat and wear and sleep and how they are doing at school and where will they go to college and will they have their heartbroken. When these babies are 50 I will probably still worry about them. That is parenthood!
ReplyDeleteI am also so heartbroken by Holly's story. I'm glad you posted this, Amanda, because I have been having many of these same thoughts and fears. I thought trying to have a baby would be an experience in seeing the power of life, but instead it has shown me life's incredible fragility. It's terrifying and overwhelming. We can only pray for God to give us the strength we need to face each day as it comes.
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head when you said I know too much. That is exactly how I feel but even once you do have your take home baby I feel like as a parent we would worry for the rest of their lives for them ya know? I don't think the worry ever ends per say BUT I always go back to what Caroline says. The fear and worry is not from the Lord :)
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post myself. We know too much and our hearts are too fragile. The only choice we have is to be hopeful and positive, but there are many days where the worry and heart break just take over...
ReplyDelete:( there are truly just no words.... xoxo
ReplyDeleteAnd this is why I struggle with being envious of all the women out there who just conceive no problem and pop out a child no problem. This journey has made us all grow to wise of all the complications. One of the hardest things to change is the way we think about fear of failure.
ReplyDeleteSometimes knowledge can get the best of us. This journey is full of surprises along the way, good and bad, but we just have roll with the punches. Heck! If I knew I would end up with OHSS on my first IVF cycle would I have done it? Probably because I was already warned and I still said what the hell. Did I know how painful it could be? No but I don't regret it. As long as I move fwd and have a shot at ever being pregnant. The fear is always gonna be there for all of us. Sometimes u have to ask yourself how far are you willing to let your heart go. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh. :( Poor, sweet Holly. Hell on earth. It's just not fair. This whole thing is so scary and out of our control. I want so badly for all of us to experience that beautiful, blissful pregnancy... It does seem quite far from reality at times.
ReplyDeleteHolly's story breaks my heart. It's terrifying, and I agree that we know too much. I'm at 24 weeks today, and am so excited to reach "viability." And it just recently dawned on me that none of the other pregnant women in my life view 24 weeks as anything special, and probably don't even know when a baby reaches viability. It's unfair that we have to be so fearful.
ReplyDeleteBut I keep reminding myself that more often than not, babies are born full-term and healthy. I think it's helpful to read the happy stories too.
I'm not sure if the worrying ever stops, after having seen so many tragic stories, or after having lived through one.
ReplyDeleteI would like to be glad for every day we get. Every day with my wonderful husband, and every day in a future pregnancy, which I so much hope for, someday. This won't always be easy, but I figure being scared won't prevent bad things from happening. I had marked 20 weeks as a milestone in my calendar...
I hope you'll find faith to guide you through this journey.
Thanks girl for mentioning me! It is so hard to have faith sometimes and not be fearful but we have to. We can't let fear stop us or the devil wins!
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda, thanks for sharing our story. I've always been nervous throughout my pregnancy but the truth of the matter is after 12 weeks according to "what to expect when you are expecting" the chance of losing your baby drops to like 1 in 1000. Unfortunately somebody has to be that 1. All my doctors are convinced I'm experiencing a freak accident. I too hated these "horror" stories and it's only human to wonder if you will be next. I bet you 99% you will have a smooth pregnancy :) Because of the love we have in our hearts to be a mom, we move forward and I'm so excited for you. I've been blogging forever and I've NEVER seen someone I've followed have this situation after pregnancy. It's so so so so low and random. I like the verse too. Keep moving forward, because of HIM we can overcome that fear :)
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