Bad News

So I called my doctor yesterday because I still had not gotten a positive OPK test. He gave the option of coming in for an ultrasound now or the week after my next period. I chose now. The ultrasound is so hard to understand. All I saw the whole time was fuzzy gray with two huge black spots, which I assumed were my ovaries. I was so bummed because I didn't see little follicles all over with my little eggs inside. Boy was I wrong. My doctor informed me that, no those weren't my ovaries, but two very large cysts, one in each ovary.

The bad news: I have to cancel all treatments for THREE MONTHS and wait to see if these shrink by themselves. That means no clomid, no new treatments, no nothing. This takes my chances of getting pregnant pretty much down to nil. On top of that, my doctor advised that it would be in my best interest to go on birth control for the next three months in hopes that this will help the cysts subside, and might regulate my cycles so that when I come off, my body is more ready to cooperate. I get all that, but man is it hard, when you are so desperate, to consciously choose to eliminate any chance of pregnancy.

The scary news: If these don't go away within three months, I will probably have to have surgery to remove them from both of my ovaries. And the process of waiting is not risk free. The cysts are so large that I am at a greater risk for a ruptured ovary and torsion (twisted ovary). I could end up literally losing one or both of my ovaries. Talk about scary news to someone who wants children more than anything.

I'm trying to stay calm, and honestly right now, I'm kind of numb. This just doesn't seem real. How many things can possibly go wrong in this process that seems so simple for everyone else. Trying to keep my head up, and trust that my doctor knows what he's talking about, and that the Lord is in control here.

Another One Bites the Dust

The baby dust that is. Baby dust is what fellow TTCers sprinkle your way when they are wishing you good luck. Message boards are full of baby dust showers and sprinkles.

Yesterday, Sam dropped the bomb on me that another one of our friends is pregnant. I literally burst into tears. The angry green jealousy monster that permanently resides in me reared her ugly head. I didn't want to know any details, how far along, boy/girl, nothing! But because I'm sick and twisted and love pain, I asked. The icing on the cake: they weren't even trying. My mood for the day plummeted! I couldn't even scrounge up a lick of joy or excitement for them. I just sat in my dark, lonely head and threw a pity party.

Today, my head is a little more clear. I truly am so very happy for them! They will make amazing parents! I wish I didn't react this way, but when caught off guard, I tend to react negatively until I have time to process the news and realign my thoughts.

Before you judge me too negatively, know that I am not only a desperate woman, but also affected by fertility meds that seem to enhance my craziness. Also, let me assure you who are not in the midst of trying to conceive, I am not alone in my crazy reactions: I will leave you with an excerpt from the book Every Drunken Cheerleader: Why Not Me?

When it comes to handling baby showers or the big announcement that yet another friend is pregnant, you get pretty good at faking congratulations. While you are undeniably happy for your friend or family member that God has chosen to be a mother, you are reminded by the way of the announcement that He has not yet chosen you. The pendulum of emotion can be dizzying. I have made no secret through writing this book that I suffered a serious case of jealousy. I can only apologize to myself and those I love for the green monster that manipulated me for such a long time. I once read that jealousy is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It is true that the person who suffers most in this unbalanced emotional state is the one chewing on the jagged pill of envy.

Truly, like this author states, it's not an issue that I wish they weren't pregnant, it's simply a reminder, that I'm still not pregnant. It is not a question of why her, but rather why not me? Hopefully with time, I'll learn to react in a more positive light (better yet, hopefully I won't have to wait long enough to learn that lesson).

Aunt Amanda

I'm an aunt! Shane and Hollei had their baby girl Friday, March 9! Sam and I made it home for a very brief visit, but I was happy to get to meet her. Hollei had informed us all earlier in the week that her doctor had scheduled her to be induced in two weeks, so I mistakenly assumed that meant it was very unlikely she would go into labor before her due date. I was incredible surprised to hear that her water broke early Friday morning. Sam and I had already scheduled a game night at our house for Saturday, so we decided to stick around, enjoy the party, and head home after.

Saturday we had a busy day getting ready for the party, and I was super jealous that my mom got to spend the whole day at the hospital. We had a great night at the party though! Lots of laughter with some great friends! We finished up the party a little after 10, and then loaded up the car to head home. Sadly all of this excitement also coincided with the start of daylight savings time, so we officially got home to my mom's house a little after 2 o'clock. To compound the sleepless night, Sterling was up all night throwing up because of the bone he literally demolished during the party. Needless to say, Sam and I were exhausted Sunday morning, but we were up and ready by about 8, and at least one of us was excited.

And finally, I got to meet my sweet niece, Alexis Christine Whelchel:

Miss Lexi: 6lbs 4oz 19in

Happy Grandma

Such a sweet family!

Sleepy baby! So sweet!

Sadly, Sam has lots of schoolwork so we couldn't head home again this weekend, but my mom is getting lots of snuggle time with baby Lexi. Shane and Hollei are staying with her for the weekend! Here is baby Lexi at one week old!

Clomid- Round 2

The roller coaster continues and that's really all I can say. I'm in a funk tonight wishing I could snuggle with my husband and unload all my heartache to him, but he's off to bible study. And honestly, I wouldn't anyway. It doesn't help. He is emotionally unable to provide what I'm looking for in these darkest hours (no fault of his own, I doubt any man can). I guess it is partially due to his maleness, partially his personality, and partially that he is sick of the whole TTC process. What I really need is a friend to go through this with me. I don't even have to know the person, it could be a faceless person across the country. I just need someone to talk to who really understands.

But I'm trying to stay as hopeful as I can. I start round 2 of Clomid tonight, which means the wicked witch of the west is moving in to my house for the next week or so. I'm upping the dose from 100mg to 150mg. The doctor is hoping that this will move my ovulation day up. I just want to be in the "normal range" this month... under 18 days.

I'm also thinking about taking up yoga. The doctor gave me the all clear as long as I stick to gentle stretching. Maybe yoga would help me deal with the overload of stress from this whole process and get rid of some of the weight that I've tacked on that I can only blame on moodiness and a sedentary lifestyle.

Well that's it for tonight... If I continue on I will only convince my readers of a bleak outlook on life as I throw myself another pity party. Here's to hoping that 150mg kicks my ovaries into high gear (but not overdrive) and that the husband still wants to baby dance!

2WW

For those of you not up on your TTC lingo, 2WW means two week wait. Basically referring to the average two week time frame between ovulation and the expected start of the next cycle. And let me tell you, fourteen days have never seemed so long. I'll admit, I cheat all the time and test early, which is totally dumb because even when I get a negative, I don't accept it. I tell myself "maybe it was too early". So I convince myself to wait a few more days and waste another three dollars. Another admission: I don't usually even have to wait two weeks. I have long cycles, but my luteal phase (the time from ovulation to menstruation) averages about ten days.

Well not this cycle! Although the clomid did nothing to move my ovulation date up, it seems to have increased my luteal phase, which is good. A short luteal phase, known as luteal phase defect, is a serious hindrance to implantation. Basically I can conceive, but the fertilized egg doesn't have the time to implant in the uterus before my body starts sending the "cancel" signal to start preparing for menstruation. A fourteen day luteal phase is considered perfect (exactly two weeks) and that is exactly what I am sitting on today. Tomorrow I can test with moderate confidence. But these fourteen days have been an emotional roller coaster. I simply expect my period by day twelve at the latest. The only time I've gone longer, I was pregnant, so you can imagine every day past ten, my heart inflates a little more. If AF (aunt flow) shows, my bubble will burst and I will fall quite a distance to smack back onto the pavement of reality.

There is absolutely no way anyone who has not experienced one BFN (big fat negative) after another could possibly understand the emotional toll trying to conceive can have on a woman (and her husband). Even women who experience miscarriage won't necessarily understand. For many, miscarriage is a horrible, overwhelming, devastating period, but they are soon gifted with a healthy pregnancy which helps to alleviate some of that heartache. But infertility, that is another story entirely. Month after month, you ride a roller coaster nightmare. You are strapped in, can't get off, have to finish the ride. The problem is, it never ends, it simply starts again. Some days I feel optimistic, I think to myself, "maybe this is it". Hours or days later, my optimism is missing, replaced by something worse than pessimism. It's called depression. It's dark and lonely. Tears don't clear the air to a brighter outlook, they just leave a stuffy nose and bloodshot eyes. Laughter is half-hearted and hollow. Despite knowing in my head that thousands of women are experiencing the same thing, I feel so alone. There is no one to talk to but Sam and my mom. Sam doesn't like talking about it, and my mom is often too optimistic and cheerful to stomach (sorry mom). She is what the world calls a "glass is half-full" kind of lady, and she has spent twenty-six years trying to help her "glass is half-empty" daughter have a more positive outlook, but to no avail. In these dark moments, I want to wallow in my despair and have someone truly understand. But there is no one. Instead I'm surrounded by happy pregnant ladies looking radiant and full of life who discuss names and nurseries.

I think my 2WW is coming to an end soon, and I don't think I'll get that BFP (big fat positive) this time. My temperature chart is starting to show that downward slide that means AF is coming to visit.

So here is to hoping if she's on her way, she'll come soon, stay short, and that I won't have to see her ugly face again for at least nine months!

Blessings

"Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord."

~Psalm 127:3

The bible is clear, children are a blessing from the Lord. The scripture goes on to say that the greater number of children you have, the better off you will be. So I can't help but question, why is this blessing being withheld from Sam and I? I go back and forth with this, thinking that it cannot possibly be that the good people get blessed with kids while bad people will suffer infertility. It is obviously not as simple as conceived in sin, or not. My thoughts continue to circle back and forth, returning over and over again to the idea that maybe this blessing is being withheld because I haven't trusted the Lord. I have tried to control the future and plan it all out. After getting married, I took birth control pills and used many forms of contraception because we weren't "ready". Even now, I'm trying to control it by charting, and taking clomid. So maybe this gift is not mine because instead of willingly accepting it in God's time, I'm trying to take it on my own time.

The Duggar family (you know, the ones with 19 kids) have always been kind of hard for me to swallow, that is, until I heard more of their story. Jim Bob and Michelle got married in 1984, and like many newlyweds they chose to go on the pill to prevent conception until they felt they could support a family. When they felt they were ready, Michelle went off the pill and they conceived their first son, Josh. Immediately after giving birth, Michelle went back on the pill. Surprisingly she conceived while on the pill. She miscarried her second child after her second month. They decided then that they would not control the size of their family any longer; they would give it to God. A few months after that decision, they conceived twins. So maybe it is all about giving it over to God, and trusting in His promises.

But then I second guess myself as a travel down that road, thinking that taking a doctors advice in this situation is the same as taking a doctors advice in any other moment. So if I was diagnosed with a treatable disease, would I choose not to receive treatment? Absolutely not! So why shouldn't I follow my doctor's lead and do everything possible to increase my chances of conception? Ultimately the miracle still rests in God's hands. Nothing that I do or my doctors do can take the power from the Lord.

So then I think, well maybe it's because I'm not asking for the blessing loud enough, or long enough, or often enough. I think back to reading the book, The Prayer of Jabez, in middle school. The idea behind this book is that Jabez called upon the Lord asking for blessings, and the Lord heard him and answered his prayer. Maybe the Lord is waiting, wanting to give me this gift, but waiting for me to turn to Him and fall on my knees asking for Him to bless me richly.

Obviously, I have a lot of time on my hands to ponder all of these complex topics and more. And I don't know that I'll ever know why one person conceives accidentally while another will try for years and never conceive. I'm in the midst of the dreaded "two week wait" right now, so I'm sure I'll have lots of time to think on this and many other things during this time. But hears to hoping that my first of many blessings is already on the way!

Clomid Update

Well, its day 17 of my current cycle, and no good news so far. My doctor has instructed that if I don't get a positive OPK (ovulation prediction kit) by tomorrow, to call him. I'm not sure if that means more blood work, ultrasounds, etc, or if he simply wants an update. It's hard not to be a bit upset that the clomid hasn't worked so far. I really had such high hopes that this would work for me. My doctor seemed so optimistic, but now I can't help but start to wonder if I might be clomid resistant.

When I first started I was so confident that it was working. I didn't have any horrible symptoms, but I could certainly tell that it was doing something. The first few days I was incredible moody; feeling the need to cry randomly, and getting angry over really small things. Even more noticeable have been the pains in my lower abdomen. It started out as a mild discomfort and grew into sharp pains when I would move or bend on both sides. After about a week of that it has become less severe and only really hurts on my left side. To me it seems like the pain should have grown until ovulation and then receded or gone away completely, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Clomid resistance is ultimately not responding to the medication with ovulation. My research sums it up like this, "Sometimes ultrasound will show the follicles growing is response to clomid, but the midcyle LH surge isn't strong enough to bring on ovulation. In this case, your doctor may prescribe clomid along with an injection of hcg to trigger ovulation and boost the mid cycle LH surge." 1 After that it appears the next step is to move on from clomid to other medications, which aren't as widely used and have higher risks involved. And after that, it appears the next step would be IUI (intrauterine insemination). This is probably the last step that Sam and I can afford at this point as it can cost up to $5000 (It can be much less, so lets hope it is if we need it!)

Here's to hoping that tomorrow is the day and all this worrying is for nothing!