Not Chosen

Adoption offers something unique that infertility treatment does not, a special feeling of sorts, that I had not experienced… until now. It's true that there can be certain parallels drawn between adoption and TTC, particularly if your adoption efforts are due to infertility, but there are also certain things that are just different. One of those things is the feeling of not being chosen… that's certainly unique. I guess the closest parallel to not being chosen would be a failed cycle, but it's a weak comparison. When your IUI cycle is a bust, it is devastating, but no one chose for your cycle to fail. Does that make sense? No, not really… I told you it was a weak comparison.

We've submitted out profile four times now. The first time was back in November, and the birth mother ultimately decided to parent. It was a whirlwind of a week as we waited for her decision, but I walked away feeling okay… she never chose any potential adoptive parents, so it wasn't like we were not chosen. Does that make sense? Since then, we've submitted on two situations but we've never heard from the agency at all. Not a "hey, thanks for your profile" or a "the birth mother picked another couple" or even a "your profile wasn't a good fit, so we didn't give her yours"… just nothing. We don't know if we were presented to the birth mother or not, if she made a selection, if she chose not to go through with the adoption. It's been the same agency both times, so needless to say, I'm not very impressed with them, and if we send our profile again, I wouldn't get my hopes up at all. But on Thursday of last week, there was a very real case and my hopes were very high.

I was on my lunch break when I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I typically take all phone calls these days as you just never know… it was the lady who completed our home study and she had a baby she'd like to tell us about. The baby was already born, so my initial instinct was "no"… I really want to be there for those early days. But as she went on, I had a "this could be it" kind of moment. She was excited… I was excited. At first it felt like we just had to say yes, like they needed someone for this baby. We had to make a decision as soon as possible. We'd need to have 100% of the money which we certainly don't have yet… so we'd be maxing out credit cards, taking out loans… that sort of thing. The baby also had some potential life altering health risks and there was no way to know anything before making a decision. We frantically called friends and family and doctors and nurses… everyone we could think of to get as much information as we could, but how much information can you get in half an hour? We both knew we'd ultimately just have to leap… and so we did. We eventually found out that we'd just be submitting our profile… one of an unknown number of other potential adoptive families. But still, adrenaline was coursing through me as I made preparations not to return to work… our social worker felt a decision would be made within 24 hours, so we'd need to be ready to go and soon. She even said to be by the phone all night as this group had been known to call with additional questions in the evening hours. She sent me his photo and I stared at his adorable little lips and prayed. And we waited.

I was a bundle of nerves Thursday night and Friday morning. There was a baby one state away from me, who was being released from the hospital that day and no one was going to be there to get him. He was being transitioned into what they call cradle care until arrangements could be made. My heart was breaking for this little boy and suddenly I stopped wanting a baby… I wanted THIS baby. I kept staring at his picture (probably not the wisest thing, but I couldn't help it). I could feel myself getting frustrated as we waited for the phone to ring. My focus once again began to turn inward, to me, to my needs. I'm telling you, not nice thoughts pop into your head while you wait. I went back and read the devotional from this blog post over and over again throughout the day as I tried to tune my heart towards this little boy and his birth mother. Waiting for LIFE CHANGING news is just so hard.

You can already see where this is going. We waited all day for news, but none came. By the end of the day, I was pretty sure that I knew what that meant. Sam was holding out hope that a decision just hadn't been made yet, but I was pretty sure we simply weren't chosen. I called yesterday to confirm. Apparently they had emailed our social worker with the news on Friday, but she had failed to pass it along to us. We were not chosen. 

I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. It's like being picked last for some game in elementary school, only 10,000 times worse. A million thoughts run through my head… justifications for why she didn't choose us. We're too tall. She's blonde. She may not like dogs. Or cats. And the truth is that those are real things that may sway her one way or another. But under that, lies the true fear. The fear that she looked at us and found us lacking. That we're not good enough. Not beautiful enough. Not wealthy enough. Not worldly enough. Not vibrant enough. That we're simply not enough to be chosen as parents.

You often hear in the adoption world of people waiting for ages and ages, but I actually know quite a number of couples who were chosen the very first time they were presented. It happens. But it's not happening to us. There's certainly the danger for comparison and jealousy to creep in as I analyze why some are chosen so quickly and others "sit on the market," if you will. We've been told time and time again that the birth mothers are looking for a connection with the intended mother, that she is the one on display in the profile books. And so I feel even more disappointed. It's easy to say, "just as in infertility, it's me… I'm the problem. I'm the one preventing us from having a family." It's a terrible feeling. But of course, there's some personal reflection and analyzation needed in all of this. Are we simply not presenting ourselves well? Do we come across poorly in our profile book? Should we make changes? The profile book is just twenty pages… a tiny little glimpse into who we are. It's really just a tiny sliver of us. Is the tiny sliver leaving the wrong impression?

As in the case back in November, once the decision was known, my emotions have calmed down a bit. The frantic need to make a decision so quickly, plus the timeframe of this situation with the baby already born created quite the frenzy of emotions. Now that I've had a day to process, I'm doing better. Not being chosen stinks, but I have to trust that things are being orchestrated for our good beyond what I can see. We weren't chosen this time, but the next time will be a new situation all over again. A new mom. A new baby. A clean slate.

Maybe next time.