Doctors are Confusing

Have you ever left an doctor's appointment (infertility or otherwise) going "huh"? That's how I felt from start to finish today. Today was supposed to be my consultation/pre-op. It turned into utter confusion. When I called several weeks ago, I talked with the nurse about my interest in possibly doing a laparoscopy. We had talked about it over, and over, and over again, with all of the doctors we've seen. Everyone's (wait, doctors agree?) initial consensus was postpone, not to do surgery, I'd get pregnant on my own. My doctor at ACRM eventually came around after the three failed IUI's to thinking an exploratory lap might be a good idea… and then I left. My current doctor at RBA initially said wait as he could not see any evidence of endo. But then my last appointment, after the CA-125 results came back, he felt more optimistic (err, justified?) in doing a lap. We discussed that I was in the gray zone and that there is just no way to know without surgery.

So I went back and forth for months, finally got the nerve to call, but wanted to chat about risks vs rewards before going under the knife. My nurse assured me the best method was to schedule surgery and set up a consultation. She then said if I decide to do the surgery, I can go ahead and have pre-op the same day. Thus today's appointment was born scheduled.

I got there and I swear, after "How are you?" came, "I'm not so sure about a lap". WHAT?!?!?! So we spent the entire consult talking about everything under the sun. I'm coming to the conclusion that unexplained patients should just be scheduled for two appointment blocks… there's too much to talk about when you know NOTHING and need to try EVERYTHING. By the time we discussed my cycles and pain levels and looked back through my charts, he had re-convinced himself that a laparoscopy is a viable option. He doesn't think it's necessary but he does think it would be nice to know one way or another.

And that's exactly where I sit. I'll feel like a fool if I have the surgery and he finds NOTHING. But, if I don't do the surgery, and we move onto IVF and it F-A-I-L-S, I'll always wonder if there was a reason it didn't implant. Doing the surgery will give me zero piece of mind until the surgery is over, but after, I'll know, and for me, I just gotta know.

But after we chatted about our favorite topics of Endo, PCOS, IVF, IUI's Varicocelectomies, and money, we had exceeded our allotted appointment time and I never got to the pre-op part. UGH! Thankfully, my surgery is scheduled at noon, so they let me squeeze it in that morning so I don't have to take any more time off from my new job. The minus is that I feel inadequately prepared going in. I never asked how many surgeries he's done, or what the risks are, or what to expect… nothing. The positive is this: the less I know, the less likely I am to back out. So I'm going to stay clear of blogs like my friend Erika's where she explains the process and the recovery… once back through was enough, I just need to remember she's still alive, and move on.

So what else did we come up with in that exceptionally confusing appointment? I'm so glad you're interested/nosy/concerned because I'm going to tell you:

• I'm going on something called Pregnitude. I had heard another blogger mention it, like, once… I was skeptical then, and I still am. I'll admit I'm not a big supplement girl. Some people love doctors who prescribe "alternative treatments". I like doctor's who prescribe medicine… or better yet, fix it with neither. I'm just not very big on taking pills of any kind beyond vitamins, and even then, I'm embarrassed to tell other TTCers what I take, because compared the their extensive lists, I take the equivalent of a Flintstone vitamin. But whatever, Dr. Slayden feels confident and says he's getting great results since he started using it (I failed to ask if that was last year of last week. Yay for being a guinea pig).
• We're moving ahead with the laparoscopy. Oh, and a hysteroscopy. Oh, and a D&C. I thought he didn't think he'd find anything. Go big or go home, I guess.
• We'll consider doing ovulation induction IMMEDIATELY following the lap. 

He said my greatest chance of getting pregnant without IVF will come from this combination:

Laparoscopy + D&C + Pregnitude + Metformin + Femara/Clomid + IUI

Apparently, endo or no endo, following a D&C, they see about a 10% increase in a woman's chances in the following cycle. So add all of that nonsense together, and well it seems like I should be at 50%, but it's probably more like 20%.

I haven't worked though my feelings on doing another IUI. My gut tells me no. We don't get great post wash counts and its expensive… it would just delay IVF. But the other stuff, I'm okay with. I left today with assurances that I'll be calling to cancel the Lap any day because I'm pregnant… Oh, Dr. Slayden, the eternal optimist.

Insurance Headaches

When I start my new job, I'll drop the super expensive coverage I've maintained through COBRA for the last 8 months and move to the coverage offered by my employer. It's a different insurance provider, different policy, different everything. I'm not sure what my infertility coverage might be, but I doubt it's more than what I currently have, which is diagnostics only. But regardless of what the coverage is, I'm afraid that they won't cover anything because of the whole "pre-existing condition" thing. Now, as far as IVF and further treatment, I'm not concerned because, well, they can't cover less than nothing, and that's what my current insurance policy will cover. But what I am afraid of it this: I'm concerned that as we approach IVF or after IVF fails, my doctor will ask for additional tests. As we can all attest, lab work can be crazy expensive, so I'd like to preempt this scenario by asking for any tests at my appointment on Monday.

So give me some feedback: What have you had tested? What test do you want? Is there a test that was a game changer for you?

This is what I've had tested thus far:

Hormones:

• AMH- 5.7, 2.54, 4.3
• FSH- 5.9, 8.1
• LH
• prolactin- 15.55, 15.0, 12.6
• testosterone- 28.91, 31.5
• TSH- 1.75, 2.34, 1.99
• Estradiol

Clotting Disorders:

• Factor V Leiden
• Anticardiolipin
• Homocystine Plasma
• Protein S Panel
• Antithrombin III
• Protein C Deficiency

General Health:

• blood counts
• thyroid function
• liver function
• kidney function
• cholesterol
• blood sugar
• vitamin D levels
• iron levels

Infectious Diseases:

• Hepatitis B
• Hepatitis C
• HIV
• Rapid Plasma Reagin (syphilis) 
• Rubella

Genetic Testing:

• Cystic Fibrosis
• Fragile X Syndrome
• Alpha-Thalassemia
• Beta- Thalassemia
• Sickle Cell
• Canavan Disease
• Familial Dysautonomia
• Tay-Sachs Disease

Miscellaneous:

• Hysterosalpingogram
• Chlamydia antibodies
• CA-125- 39.6

Blue Skies Smiling at Me

Remember how I said that there were some good things coming to the Greavu's? Well praise the Lord, some good things have arrived!

First of all, Sam accepted a job. Not just any job, but a FANTASTIC job! We were really so blessed to be in the opportunity to choose between jobs. I mean, it's 2013, we're in a recession post-recession double-dip financial crisis time where employment is hard to come by. Who gets offered TWO careers? Apparently people in the medical field. As I stated before, most of the opportunities in Colorado that we were pursuing kind of fizzled out. The one that looked promising was in a less than ideal location, Colorado Springs, (we want Fort Collins or Loveland areas) and the salary was less. Significantly less. So despite the cool factor of living in Colorado and the awesome factor of going to CCRM, we decided to X that one. That left us with two solid opportunities here; both of which offered Sam a position. We seriously felt like we couldn't go wrong. Both are really solid businesses, run by really awesome guys, with really promising futures. It was a tough decision for Sam to make, but ultimately, we are THRILLED with our decision!

Secondly, I GOT A JOB! No seriously, I got a job. It was kind of a whirlwind of a week. Sam made his decision on Wednesday, I woke up to an email on Thursday telling me that I was the top candidate and to hold tight. Friday I accepted a position! Sweet!

Are you ready for this? On top of all of that awesomeness, I met with my old boss from my college years and he wants me to come back and do graphic design work! I'm ECSTATIC! I love working with him and the entire church! It's really a dream place to work. It's only part-time, so I'm going to do both: full time job during the workweek, and part time job at night or on the weekends.

And to top it all off, the last piece of good news is this: we found a home to rent in Athens. As I mentioned before, this process can be terrible. Particularly in a college town where rental units are often not cared for, expensive, and occupied. We decided to live well below our means for the next year in the hopes that we can accomplish two things: IVF and a down payment for a house. If both of those things happen in a year, I'll be blown away, but we decided to go for it and give it everything we've got. We're not getting any younger!

So there: after a lot of not so great news, and months of waiting, we smashed a heck of a lot of EXCELLENT news into ten days! Things are looking up and we're EXCITED!!!!

Three Years to Celebrate

We made a rule in our house before we ever got married. It goes something like this:

We will ALWAYS celebrate our anniversary. 

We made a promise to each other over three years ago that no matter how busy our lives get or how difficult it is to get away from the kids (what kids?) that we will always take time to get away and celebrate another year of marriage. The previous anniversaries were pretty special. First we went on a cruise. And then we went to Atlanta and stayed at the Ritz Carlton. I knew several months ago that this anniversary wasn't going to be anything like those. We simply don't have the funds. But I really didn't want to break the promise either, I mean, we don't even have five kids to find a babysitter for. What's our excuse?

I started looking into some cheap cabins in the north Georgia mountains. I figured we could pull together a couple hundred dollars if we really, really tried so that we could have a nice, relaxing weekend. I was discussing our plans with the girls in my small group when one of them said that her in-laws own a lake house. Well don't you know, those people are extra generous and they let Sam and I stay for free! We were so blessed!

But wait, back up… I haven't told you about our actual anniversary. We went down to Atlanta to eat on our anniversary. This is the first year that we haven't been able to link up the getaway with the actual day, but it still turned out nice. We ate at Ruth's Chris in Buckhead. Every year for Christmas, my step-dad gets us a gift certificate to an Atlanta restaurant. It's a pretty sweet gift. We would never go to these places without that gift card, so it's a really nice treat. We had never been to Ruth's Chris before, so it was a lot of fun.

The food is, of course, delicious. And expensive. Like holy cow expensive… like really, was the cow holy? Because it sure costs enough! But still, very tasty. I'll be honest and say there were a few things I didn't love about the restaurant. Firstly, the cost. It's even more  expensive than out favorite Atlanta steakhouse, Chops, which I didn't think was possible. Secondly, the plates. The plates that the steaks are served on are 500 degrees!!! I get that this is their claim to fame, but seriously, it was like having a weapon on the table. Even knowing they are scorching hot, it's tough to reach around and not brush the plate. Sam bumped his and informed me that yes, they are hot. Can you imagine kids at the table????

Anyway, here's our spread:

top left: Calamari, bottom left: Lobster Mac & Cheese
top right: sizzling plate o' steak, middle right: pommes frites,
bottom right: chocolate mousse cheesecake

Friday morning we packed our bags, kissed Sterling and Everest goodbye, and headed to the lake house. It's a lovely place on a little lake just north of Atlanta. We spent Friday picking up some groceries, taking the paddle boats out, enjoying the hot tub, and going out to dinner! Dinner was great! We found a cute little restaurant in Canton called Downtown Kitchen. It was a great find! Apparently the teenagers think so too (or maybe their moms?) as the Canton homeschool coalition was having prom above us. Haha! So fun! We left and one of the boys was outside smoking (shame on him) in a CAMO VEST with his tux!!! Ahhh! I wish I had been brave enough to snap a picture! Anyway, I digress, the food was delicious, as you can see:

Saturday we were extra lazy. We lounged on the porch in a swing, canoed, interrupted a goose mating dance, lounged in the hot tub, watched Game of Thrones, took the paddle boat out, met a duck, cooked dinner, and watched the Final Four! Yea, the NCAA tournament is always a part of our festivities. Way back when, I made the mistake of scheduling our wedding on the Final Four (my bad, it's not a holiday on the calendar). Which means that there were TV's at my wedding reception, we spent Monday of our honeymoon ordering in pizza, and every year since we've spent either Saturday or Monday holed up inside instead of out on the town. But whatever, it's a fun tradition.

top left to right clockwise: morning porch swing, Fried Chicken,
relaxing in the hammock, our duck friend, Sweet Potato Fries,
hot tub fun, Blackened Shrimp Pasta, cheesy self-photo

So yay for us, we managed to celebrate with some style thanks to some penny pinching, gift cards, and our incredible hosts for the weekend! I'm calling anniversary #3 a success!

A Look Back

Everyone's asking, and as it is still my anniversary, I broke out the wedding CD's just for your viewing pleasure. The pictures make the day look a lot more together than it really was. Thankfully, my photographers didn't capture all of the behind the scenes moments, like running two hours late due to my hair, or sinking three inches in red Georgia clay because I was silly enough to wear ivory stiletto heels outside in the woods. However, looking back, it tells the story of a pretty special day. Hope you enjoy!

Also, we looked this good in huge part to some really spectacular photographers! All of these photos are by Chris + Allie Bartelski of  the*Reason.

For Better of For Worse

It's my anniversary. Three years since we said "I do" on a beautiful spring evening before our family, friends, and the Lord.

"First Look" captured by the*Reason

I'd love to write this whole post about how incredible these three years have been, but honestly, some of it has been pretty tough.

Immediately following our honeymoon we moved away from all of our family and friends to Augusta, a city we never really learned to love. Those initial months were difficult as we learned to balance married life with grad school life. But then we found our rhythm and life was really beautiful. We were blessed to live in "our first home", find employment, buy a monster puppy, and finish a year of grad school.

And then we pulled the goalie. Sam started his second year of grad school as we returned from our first anniversary cruise, and we kicked the condoms to the curb. Soon after we had the hardest month of our marriage, possibly our lives. We miscarried. Since then, life has been a whirlwind, particularly this past year.

Our third year of marriage began with a lot of hope. We went to our first RE appointment. We decided to start more advanced treatment. Sam completed his final semester of classes. We moved from Augusta. We had a lot of really really good things going for us.

And then treatment failed, and failed, and failed. I can't really explain the affect the three failed IUI's had on me, and thus our marriage. We've been given fair odds at becoming parents, but for a price. A price we can't currently fathom.

Our third year had a lot of "for worse" in it. We lived with one set of parents or the other for eight of those months. We've lived on student loans alone for so long we don't remember what "date night" is. And we can't even remember what two pink lines look like. The worse sucks.

When does the better start? We are really, really hopeful that year number four is going to be great. There are a lot of things to be excited about, so lets take a look at some of those:

• Sam will accept an offer TODAY for his first job as a physical therapist.
• We will move OUT of my mom's house and IN to a house in Athens
• I will get a job (the odds are high within a year, right?)
• We WILL pay for IVF
• We might get pregnant
• And if we're really, really blessed, we might buy a house within the next year.

Basically, all of that is to say that, yeah, there has been a lot more "for worse" in our short marriage than "for better". We never thought life could be this complex or painful in our twenties, but it is, and it has been. But the really cool part about marriage: you've got somebody to walk through the "for worse" with. And when the "for better" comes, that person understands better than anyone else how much you have to celebrate!

I'm so thankful that we are both in this thing for better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. In sickness and in health. Because we've dealt with all of that in our three short years. Life isn't a cake walk. The streets of life are not paved in gold. But I am oh so very thankful to have Sam by my side through all of these early unforeseen bumps. I have no idea what tomorrow may hold, but I feel truly blessed to face whatever comes with my husband at my side.

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life! I'm so blessed to call you mine! I'm so lucky to be in love with my best friend!

Not My Will, but Yours

Easter turns me into a weepy mess. I know that I am supposed to celebrate Good Friday and remember that that day in history was pivotal to my redemption, to my forgiveness, to my acceptance into the Kingdom. But really, I just see a day where a perfect man was betrayed, ridiculed, beaten, and ultimately murdered. It's a sad story, even if you know that Sunday's coming. It's a tough day for me to celebrate.

Last night, like many Christians, I gathered with a body of believers to honor and remember the day that Jesus allowed himself to be crucified. The service was beautiful, and moving, and profound. I cried from start to finish. It's hard for me to come face to face with the brutality of that day. It's hard for me to accept my role in that bloodbath. It's hard for me to acknowledge that there was no other way. I mean Jesus, a PERFECT man, the SON of God, BEGGED for a different part in the story. He knew the will of God and he wanted no part of it. He prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me" (Luke 22:42 emphasis mine). But even then, even in the midst of his fear, Jesus recognizes that it is the Father's will that is important. He continues with, "yet not my will, but yours be done".

Oh, Jesus. You had to set the bar so high, didn't you? I mean it wasn't enough to DIE for my sins, but you had to willingly submit yourself to a different plan, a story with a vastly different ending than you would have chosen. You had to lay down your dreams in exchange for the Father's in order to show all of us what it truly means to offer ourselves as living sacrifices. Being perfect wasn't enough? I mean if it was me, I'd have let the WHOLE WORLD know that this was not my plan. I would have pouted about the injustice of it all. I'd have bartered and bargained with God in that garden as I explained why my plan was better. But not you. You literally laid your will, your dreams, your plan down in order to carry out your Father's will.

Good Friday, unlike any other day of the year, makes me confront the reality of sacrificing my will. It's so easy to sing songs that say "Take my life, and let it be, all for you, and for your glory," or "We raise our white flag, we surrender, all to you, all for you." But in reality, what I mean is I'll submit to being a moral person, to trying my best to live out your commands, to loving others, etc. as long as I get to keep the outline of my plan, as long as my will is your will. Good Friday makes me confront the reality that sometimes our will and God's will are in absolute conflict with one another. Christ wanted to live. The Father knew he must die. Direct opposition.

If I'm honest, despite the detours and a lot of bumps along the way, my plan is still possible (mostly). I'm clinging to that with all my might. My will is still possible. I may be bitter about the detours and the extra heartache, but I'm still believing that my plan is attainable. But what if my will is in direct opposition to God's will? Will I ever have the grace to truly lay down my will and really mean it when I say, "not my will, but yours"? I can't honestly say that I feel that way today. If the Lord intends that I never know motherhood in any capacity, I'll pitch a fit. I'm just being honest. I want to say that I would trade in my little story for whatever role he has for me in His BIG story, but truthfully, I'd rather have my way. I'm comfortable with my plan. The story I've dreamed up is simple. There's room in it for the Lord, for church, for loving others, for serving widows and orphans. My story doesn't relegate God to a corner, it lets Him shine, it allows me to serve Him, it enables me to raise up Godly men and women. There's nothing inherently wrong with my story. Lots of incredible women have my story. And I really like it. I mean, I really, really like it. I don't want to trade it in.

At this point, I don't feel like I've been asked to give up my plan. There have certainly been a lot of things added to the story that I didn't foresee, but I guess I still see that there could be purpose for this season. I'm hoping that infertility means "not right now" or "wait a little longer" and not "lay it down". And I'm going to cling to my dream for as long as I can. Hopefully, laying down my will only means surrendering to His timing and a slightly different path. But what if?

Could you earnestly and honestly lay down your will in perfect honor, humility, and grace in order to carry out the Father's will?