Block of Ice

So yea, the actual arrival of my period was worse than the phone call. I guess there is something in the visualization of all my dreams literally going down the toilet (forgive me) that adds just enough drama to break my heart anew. But I'm hanging in there. I thought I'd feel like a total mess this cycle if Aunt Flow showed up again. There seems to be so much riding on each individual cycle now. But honestly, I feel pretty emotionless. There have been a few tears over the last couple of days as I watched my chart take the dreaded downward turn, and then the phone call, and then the flow, but I guess I knew it was coming. I was prepared(ish).

Mostly I feel numb; frozen. I'm not particularly hopeful for this cycle, but I'm not hopeless either. I guess I'm just sitting here with a nice dose of 10% optimism and the understanding that if this is going to work, It's going to have the be the Lord.

I don't want to talk to anyone about it; at least not anyone who isn't equally infertile and broken. I don't want hugs, pats on the back, or "it'll happens". I want to hole up in my room with no one (except maybe Everest) in the dark and do nothing, until the point that I might decide to watch a feel better movie like Harry Potter. If that seems a bit dramatic, calm your nerves, I've been known to do this during my periods for years. I just happen to have a better excuse now!

I am looking forward to one thing: Consultation with my favorite doctor tomorrow morning. I've got so many questions, and I don't feel like there is an opportunity to ask anything in any of my regular appointments. I don't know if that's just me, if I'm not aggressive enough or persistent enough, but it seems odd to have a "hey, listen" or "I was thinking" conversation while reclining on the table with my "sheet" while the doctor peels off gloves. Anyway, hopefully I'll get some answers tomorrow!